Grocery Shopping Jokes
93 grocery shopping jokes and hilarious grocery shopping puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grocery shopping that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Grocery Shopping Short Jokes
Short grocery shopping jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grocery shopping humour may include short grocery jokes also.
- Garlic powder $5.99. steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99. Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless
- WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED! Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
- My wife gets jealous when I go grocery shopping... There's always a cashier checking me out.
- My wife and I went grocery shopping with our masks on when we got home and took off our masks, I discovered I brought home the wrong wife. Stay alert people!
- Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some Especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
_______________
I stole this joke. - Grocery Shopping I wrote down some stuff I needed at the grocery store. When I got there, I realized I forgot the note at home. I wandered around the store feeling listless the whole time.
- I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
- Two grizzlies are out grocery shopping... Then one grizzly turns around and says to the other : "it's kinda quiet in here today dont you think?"
- Shopping for Melons My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons".
I guess it was the honey dew list. - A Spanish teacher is at the grocery store- -and as he's shopping he sees a sign exclaiming "Soy milk!"
So he stops and says, "Hola milk! Soy Ricardo!"
Share These Grocery Shopping Jokes With Friends
Grocery Shopping One Liners
Which grocery shopping one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grocery shopping? I can suggest the ones about supermarket shopping and grocery store.
- Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany.. Just look for the *gluten tag*.
- Where is Benedict Arnold's favorite place to shop for groceries? Traitor Joe's
- Where do pianists put their groceries while they shop? In a Chopin cart.
- Where does Mike Flynn do his grocery shopping? Traitor Joe's
- How does a ninja shop for groceries? No one knows.
- I do my grocery shopping at Office Depot It's a staple diet.
- Where do fungi go shopping? At the grocery spore.
- Ajit Pai is shopping in a grocery store...
- What neighborhood grocery store did Benedict Arnold always shop at? Traitor Joe's.
- Grocery shopping fosters risky behavior. I always put all my eggs in one basket.
- A kid and his mom are shopping at a grocery store.
- Where does Neil DeGrasse Tyson do his grocery shopping? Black Hole Foods
- Embarrassed Shopper I get so embarrassed grocery shopping when I see the Salad Dressing
- What do you call a group of guys grocery shopping? Brocery shopping
- Where do dogs shop for groceries? Wagmans.
Hilarious Grocery Shopping Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about grocery shopping you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grocery cart jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grocery shopping pranks.
Two nuns are doing their grocery shopping.
As they pass the cooler full of beer, one nun says longingly to the other one, "A cold beer would go down great tonight!" "Indeed," the other nun replies, "but how can we show up with beer at the check-out counter?" "Don't worry, I have a plan," the other nun answers. "Grab a six-pack." The cashier is surprised when he sees the beer, but the one nun is ready with an explanation. "We use the beer to wash our hair" she says. "At the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.'" Without hesitation the cashier bends down, grabs a package of pretzels, and throws it in one of the nuns' groceries bags, saying "The curlers are on the house."
A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?
He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.
She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes.
"Wow! What a great idea," he thinks to himself and buys three of them.
Two weeks later, however, he goes back to using toilet paper.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast.
Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.
I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."
My favorite part of grocery shopping is rushing home to look at the shopping list on my counter to see what I forgot to buy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Made this joke up while working at Whole Foods a couple years back...
**What do you call a Whole Foods employee that shops at another grocery store?**
>!A "Traitor" Joe !<
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is grocery shopping when he sees a beautiful blonde, who smiles and waves at him.
She stops to talk to him, and he can't remember who she is. Instead of faking it, he fesses up and says, "Hi - you look really familiar, but I don't remember how I know you."
She responds, "My name is Taylor, and I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy's mind reels with shock, and he thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife. He asks, "Were you the dancer at my batchelor party, who my friends paid to tie me up and ride me, while I was drunk?"
The lady responds, "No - I'm your son's Math teacher."
A young man shopping in a supermarket
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $137.85," said the clerk..
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye.
She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, "Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy freaks out. He says, "I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?"
She says, "I'm your son's Sunday school teacher."
An old couple go shopping...
... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims "that's ridiculous!" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into her purse.
After they leave the store a police officer stops them, informing her she was seen stealing the peaches on video. When she gets to court to answer for her crime the judge says, "this kind of petty theft is unacceptable and becoming more common. I'm afraid I need to make a lesson of you." He looks at her carefully. "How many peaches are in the can you stole?"
"Seven" she replied.
"Very well. I am sentencing you to seven days in jail."
Just then the husband piped up. "Uh, your honor?"
"Yes?"
"I should probably tell you she also stole a can of peas."
A man and his wife go grocery shopping...
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
A Chinese girl parked in a handicap space...
And continues onto the shops, unaware she accidentally parked in the handicap space. Coming back to her car, she sees a ticket inspector writing a bunch of tickets. She has a lot of groceries an is hurried in putting them away. The parking inspector takes one look at her, says 'carry on and have a nice day', and continues walking.
Puzzled, she resumes putting away the bags then decides to continue shopping. She later returns to her car and sees the same parking inspector. She approaches him and asks 'why didn't you give me a ticket earlier for illegally parking?'. The man replied 'love, I'm just happy that you're off the road.'
A man approached me on the train...
...and said "Remember Leonardo DiCaprio," and then ran away.
Later when I was grocery shopping, the same man came over to me and said "Remember Leonardo DiCaprio," and then ran away.
Then at night, when I was at a bar, the man came, said "Remember Leonardo diCaprio," and ran away.
When I had gone to bed and was trying to fall asleep, he entered my room, said "Remember Leonardo DiCaprio," and ran away.
At that point I had gotten tired of him so I called the police. They asked if I could tell them anything about him. "I do not know his name," I told them, "but he reminds me of Leonardo DiCaprio."
At the annual women's rights convention the speaker got up and said...
At the annual women's rights convention the speaker got up and said "last year we talked about making our husband's do more of the work often considered women's work, let's hear how that went."
First a lady from the USA got up and said "I told my husband I wasn't going to do any more cleaning until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he cleaned the whole house from top to bottom." Everyone cheered.
Next a lady from Britain stood up and said "I told my husband I wasn't doing laundry until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he not only did his laundry, but mine as well." More cheers.
Then a lady from Australia got up and said "I told my husband I wasn't going to do any more grocery shopping until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye"
Three Old Ladies
Three elderly women were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping for groceries in the old days, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper, too, and she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Daddy, why do you do all the work around here?
A young child kept noticing that at his home his dad always seemed to do all the house-work, and his mother did nothing. It was his dad that fixed the meals, shopped for groceries, cleaned the house etc.
Finally, one day, the son goes up to his father and asks him, "Daddy, why do you do all the work around here?"
His dad replies "Well, when you were born, I had a deal with your mother. For my part of the deal, I have to do all the work around here."
"So, what was her part of the deal? Was it worth all the effort that you put in everyday?"
"Ofcourse it was worth the effort, Goku, ofcourse it was."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local grocery store.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife.
They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
M. Night Shyamalan
Mark: While grocery shopping last night, I noticed the overweight cashier looked really familiar. It wasn't until I left that I realized it was Chubby Checker. Irony, right?
Paul: What do you mean?
Mark: Chubby Checker was a chubby checker.
Paul: I still don't get it.
Mark: That's The Twist!
Why did the cow exit the grocery store with 6 carts teeming with food?
She went shopping on four empty stomachs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife are grocery shopping
The husband grabs a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks his wife.
"It's on sale, just $19.99!"
"Put it back, we can't afford it."
Dejected, the husband puts it back and they continue. A few aisles over, the wife picks out a face cream and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's $40, but it makes me beautiful and s**... for you" says the wife with a smile.
"So does the beer, and at half the price."
I went shopping . . .
I went to the supermarket to get some groceries. When I got to the dairy section, they only had one piece of cheese left.
It was provolone.
Butcher Shop
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
A woman wants to buy a pair of spectacles.
A woman walks into a shop and says," Doctor, I think I need a pair of spectacles! "
The shopkeeper replies," You certainly do ma'am! This is a grocery store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We went shopping for a turkey to cook for Thanksgiving.
We're expecting 20 people at our house and my husband wanted to find the perfect turkey for the s**.... After picking through the stock at the grocery store he can't find one he wants. He says, "Don't these get any bigger?" I replied. "No, honey. They're already dead."
Cheeky
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
One of everything.
A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."
A man and his son were at the grocery store today...
They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!
Whata country..
You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"
I was doing some shopping at the supermarket...
...and had a cart full of groceries and a lovely bouquet of flowers. Coincidentally, my wife walked in just as I was checking out.
She noticed the flowers I was buying and jokingly said "Those had better be for me!"
The teenager at the register turned and said "Even if they weren't, they definitely are now!"
A dinosaur goes to a supermarket
A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:
'So how are you paying today?'
The dinosaur replies:
'With tyrannosaurus checks.'
Where is my wife
A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store.
Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife.
Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife.
Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like?
Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.
Judge: I'm sentencing you to an evening of grocery shopping. Don't forget the coffee.
Husband: You don't have grounds for that.
Whats the difference between a bag of potato and an elephant?
U better not do grocery shopping..
Looking for raisins
I was looking for some raisins while grocery shopping but
My search was fruitless
Bob was grocery shopping in France...
Cashier: That'll be 20 euros.
Bob: Alrighty!
Cashier: Would you like a bag?
Bob: Sure. Baguette. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is doing some grocery shopping...
She's going to the checkout line and the cashier says:
"Coke... mayo... some corn flakes... a bottle of wine... some chips. Let me guess, you're single right?"
The lady goes "Well... yeah, how do you know?"
The cashier answers, "Because you're ugly"
I like to bring reusable shopping bags to the grocery store
It's important to me to have something to forget and leave in the car.
Heard this gem from a coworker yesterday
A man and his wife are out grocery shopping when the husband stops in beer section and gets a 24-pack for $10.
The husband puts the 24-pack in the cart and his wife stops him and say "We can't get that, we have to stick to the budget!" so he puts it back on the shelf.
Later on the wife stops in the cosmetics section and gets a container of face cream for $20. When she puts it in the cart, her husband stops her and says "We can't get that honey, it's not in the budget".
The wife says
"This face cream is what I use to look good!"
The husband says
"Well the beer makes you look good for half the price!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Shopping for singles
I went to a small grocery shop. I am on my way to pay and look for a line. I suddenly notice one young and pretty cashier with almost empty line so I go for it. I start to unload my groceries on a tilt. One pack of hard cigarettes, 6 beers, frozen pizza, some bacon and chocolate bars.
The cashier smiles at me and says: ''You are single, right?''
Little shocked I reply with a smile ''Yes... why? Did my selection of grocery gave it away?''
''No, you are ugly as f*c**....''
A husband and wife were grocery shopping ...
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.
"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.
"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
"So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts the husband.
A young woman goes grocery shopping...
She wanders through the store more or less aimlessly, finally arriving at the checkout, where she places her items on the conveyor belt: Ramen noodles, a two-pack of toilet paper, a bottle of cheap wine, some grapes, a frozen pizza and a chocolate bar.
The cashier looks at her items, looks at her, looks back at her items and says, "Let me guess, you're single".
"Yeah, you're right", the woman admits, "but how did you know that?"
"Well...", she responds, "you're ugly"
A blonde is out grocery shopping,
but she's having trouble finding the Toasties. So she asks one of the stockers, to which he replies "I'll see" and walks off. After ten minutes passes without the stocker returning, she finds another stocker where she can find the Toasties, to which he replies "I'll see" and then walks off. After ten minutes, she's fuming at the poor service, so she finds another stocker. This time she demands he take her over to where the Toasties are shelved. So he leads her past the baking goods in Aisle A, the condiments in Aisle B, to the Toasties in Aisle C.
A man asks another "do you have a car?".
"Sorta", he replies.
"What do you mean?", asks the man.
"Well, it's my wife's car when she goes grocery shopping, it's my son's car when he goes to his girlfriend's, it's my daughter's car when she goes out at night and it's mine when it's out of gas!".
What's for Lunch??
Wife: Have you had your Lunch??
Husband: Have you had your Lunch??
Wife: I'm asking you??
Husband: I'm asking you??
Wife: Your copying me??
Husband: Your copying me??
Wife: Lets go grocery shopping.
Husband: I've had my lunch.
[punchline challenge] So an elderly couple is going grocery shopping...
The cashier notices something about what they're buying and asks:......
Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)
A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".
Father and son are shopping in a grocery store and the son asks dad what are these for?
*pointing at the condoms*
Dad: oh well son, remember the birds and the bees? Well those are something you use for protection
Son: what's this 3 pack?
Dad: those are for high school kids, just getting starting.. 1 Friday, 1 Saturday and 1 Sunday
Son: this 6 back?
Dad: These are for college students.. 2 Friday, 2 Saturday, and 2 Sunday
Son: and these?
Dad: oh the 12 pack? These are very special. These are for married folks.. 1 January, 1 February, 1 March...
A guy in a grocery store notices an old woman staring at him
He walks to her and say can I help you?
the woman says I have lost my son and when I saw you, you reminded me of him.
" please call me mother" the old woman says. the guy feeling for the poor woman calling her mother throughout the shopping.
at the exit the old woman looks back with her eyes full of tears and says "goodbye my son" and the guy says "goodbye mother"
and the guy proceed to checkout and he received the 500 bill and says oh I didn't buy that much!! and the seller says i know, your shop is just $30 and the rest is your mother's bill she said "my son will pay for it"
A man goes to the doctor and finds out he only has three months to live...
He says, "but Doc...three months isn't enough TIME!"
The doctor pauses and thinks. Then he says, "Stay home every day, all day long with your wife and kids - no office, restaurtants, movies, or shopping...and only leave the house once a week for groceries...."
"Trust me, it will be the LONGEST three months of your life !"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Arabic joke translation attempt
A guy walks into a grocery store and asks the shop guy, do you have cucumbers?
Store guy replies: yes I do
The man replies: put it in your a**...
The next day, the man does the same thing, walks in, asks about cucumbers and tells the store guy to put it in his a**....
The following day, the store owner thinks, this has to stop.
The man walks into the store, asks if the shop guy has cucumbers.
The guy replies: no I don't have any.
The man tells him: get them out of your a**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.
The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have b**... sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car c**... at the intersection. I want to dip.'
Three nuns.
Three nuns are at the grocery store shopping. The eggplant they wanted to buy was only available in packs of four. Distressed, the first nun says , what do we do sister? There are three of us, but the package is for four! Don't you worry about that, says the second nun. We'll just cook the fourth eggplant for dinner.
