Grocery Jokes
171 grocery jokes and hilarious grocery puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grocery that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some funny grocery jokes? Check out our collection of jokes about grocery stores, shopping, and food!
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Funniest Grocery Short Jokes
Short grocery jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grocery humour may include short supermarket jokes also.
- Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
- My wife is so much better looking than me... ...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.
Cr - Garlic powder $5.99. steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99. Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless
- Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US. Trump will make America grate again.
- A really hot girl was checking me out today. Then I paid her for the groceries and left the store.
- WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED! Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
- The great thing about inflation, is if you spend the same on groceries,
the bags are lighter and easier to carry home. - A man walks into a grocery store. Asks for a pound of tomatoes.
The grocer says, "we call them kilos over here."
The man replies "fine, a pound of kilos then." - I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday. You can say he was having a midlife crisis
- poor guy. The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries...
Until I unpacked them all & said, "That's how I want you to do it."
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Grocery One Liners
Which grocery one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grocery? I can suggest the ones about supermarket shopping and pantry.
- /u/username goes to the grocery store.... username checks out.
- ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts. ALDI's nuts
- I think the girl at the grocery store likes me, she was totally checking me out.
- What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store? Picking his nose
- What do you call an Iraqi father carrying all the groceries? Baghdad.
- What did the vegetables say when they got stuck in a grocery bag? Lettuce out!
- If Dire Straits robbed a grocery store They'd get honey for nothin' and chips for free.
- Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany.. Just look for the *gluten tag*.
- Where is Benedict Arnold's favorite place to shop for groceries? Traitor Joe's
- Dr. Dre was arrested at a grocery store today. He dropped too many beets.
- Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocked grocery shelves. Go on. Aisle weight.
- I went to the store and bought 2% milk… And 98% other groceries
- Yo mama is like groceries during a pandemic... ...available for curbside pickup.
- How does a composer remember which groceries to buy? She writes a Chopin Liszt.
- I forgot a bag of groceries in my taxi. It's been driving me bananas.
Grocery Store Jokes
Here is a list of funny grocery store jokes and even better grocery store puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There is an Arab boy lost in the grocery store... The manager of the store walks up to the boy and asks "what does your mother look like?" The boy replies " I don't know".
- I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section. All I did was take a leek.
- Wife:Do you need anything at the grocery store? Me: pick up 30 bottles of minute maid
Wife: why so many?
Me: didn't you hear the news? O.J. is free! - They say "Eat before you go to the grocery store, you do not buy as much" That does NOT work with a liquor store....
- A man flashes a woman at the grocery store She says " Oh my gosh ! Thank you ! I almost forgot to get baby carrots
- I went to the grocery store. The sign outside said: "No food or drinks inside". So I went home again.
- I used to be able to go to the grocery store with $20 and come back with food for a month Try doing it nowadays with cameras everywhere
- I hate it when I run out of toilet paper and I have to make the trip to the grocery store in really small steps.
- A man walks into a grocery store and says, "Three pounds of potatoes, please." The cashier responds, "Sorry, we only sell kilos now."
"Ah, too bad. Three pounds of kilos, then." - Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section. I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.
Grocery Shopping Jokes
Here is a list of funny grocery shopping jokes and even better grocery shopping puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife gets jealous when I go grocery shopping... There's always a cashier checking me out.
- My wife and I went grocery shopping with our masks on when we got home and took off our masks, I discovered I brought home the wrong wife. Stay alert people!
- Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some Especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
_______________
I stole this joke. - Grocery Shopping I wrote down some stuff I needed at the grocery store. When I got there, I realized I forgot the note at home. I wandered around the store feeling listless the whole time.
- I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
- Two grizzlies are out grocery shopping... Then one grizzly turns around and says to the other : "it's kinda quiet in here today dont you think?"
- Where do pianists put their groceries while they shop? In a Chopin cart.
- Where does Mike Flynn do his grocery shopping? Traitor Joe's
- Shopping for Melons My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons".
I guess it was the honey dew list. - A Spanish teacher is at the grocery store- -and as he's shopping he sees a sign exclaiming "Soy milk!"
So he stops and says, "Hola milk! Soy Ricardo!"
Grocery Bag Jokes
Here is a list of funny grocery bag jokes and even better grocery bag puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag? One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...
And the other carries groceries. - Man walks into a grocery store When the cashier asks if he wants his milk in a bag, he says "No thanks. Keep it in the jug."
- What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous to kids. You put groceries in the other.
- While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up.
Don't bother, young man, said the customer.
It's self-rising. - Gotta love a dad joke Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'
- Bob was grocery shopping in France... Cashier: That'll be 20 euros.
Bob: Alrighty!
Cashier: Would you like a bag?
Bob: Sure. Baguette. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) - What are some similarities between a brunette and a steak at a grocery store? You can't bag either of them.
- I like to bring reusable shopping bags to the grocery store It's important to me to have something to forget and leave in the car.
- The clerk at a grocery store asks a man if he needs any bags He replies "no thanks I was married to one once"
- Tom Brady walks into a grocery store. He buys a bag of chips, equaling up to $1.75. How much does he give the cashier? 2 dollars, so he gets a quarter back.
Grocery Store Cashier Jokes
Here is a list of funny grocery store cashier jokes and even better grocery store cashier puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why can't clerks at the grocery store pick which cashier they work with? Because baggers can't be choosers.
- What did Dave Mustaine say to the grocery store cashier? "Can you put a price on peas?"
Amusing Grocery Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about grocery you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean local supermarket jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grocery pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Made this joke up while working at Whole Foods a couple years back...
**What do you call a Whole Foods employee that shops at another grocery store?**
>!A "Traitor" Joe !<
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a drunk guy in line at the grocery store...
The woman in front of him has a block of cheddar cheese, a half gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs.
He stumbles up to her and says, "Why, you must be single!"
Rather surprised, she looks at him and replies, "Yes, I am single! You could tell that just from what I'm buying?"
Without missing a beat, the drunk guy says, "No, it's 'cause you're f**...' ugly!"
A woman walks into a grocery store...
... she grabs a 2 liter bottle of coke zero and a big bag of sugar. she pays for the pop and leaves the store. she is later arrested fro shoplifting. when the police ask why she payed for the coke but not the sugar she said "well it said sugar free"
A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye.
She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, "Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy freaks out. He says, "I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?"
She says, "I'm your son's Sunday school teacher."
I saw an entire display of beer fall over onto a small child
at the grocery store today.
Luckily the kid was okay. It was Bud Light.
Sometimes at Wal-Mart...
Sometimes at Wal-Mart I like to fill my grocery cart up with wonderful toys. Then I try to find a mother with annoying kids and I hand the kids one of the toys. I make a quick get-a-way so the mother can deal with the aftermath.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, I bumped into this cute g**... the way out of the grocery store...
We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.
Grocery Economics
A man and his economist friend are having lunch.
the man mentions that he's noticed something strange when he buys groceries each week. "I always buy a tub of margarine, but I've noticed that, even though it's the same price every time, there's less margarine in the tub. I can't figure out what's going on."
The economist friend nods with a knowing smile and responds "what you have there is a case of the Law of diminishing Margarinal returns."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How To Catch a Polar Bear
First, go to the grocery store, and buy some peas. Doesn't matter if they're frozen, or canned, or whatever, just get some peas. Bring those peas to the Arctic, where the polar bears live. Then find a large-ish hole in the ice. It should be big enough to fit a couple people in. Put some peas in front of the hole, and hide. Now when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole!
Have you ever heard of the ckicken plant?
I guess the eggplant came first!
I work at a grocery store and a guy in the produce department told me this. He thought it was hilarious
While browsing broom section at grocery store with girlfriend...
Me, to older man also browsing: "you think the cheap $4 ones work just as well as the $12 ones?"
Older man, without missing a beat: "I don't know, ask her to take it for a spin."
I was at the grocery store with my gpa when a couple girls in super short skirts walked by....
Gpa said, looks at those jet skirts, as we both admired the two ladies. I had to know, what's a jet skirt? Gpa replied, it's a skirt so short that when they bend over you can see the cockpit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent...
...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman decides to call her friend in a foreign language while waiting in line at a grocery store.
When she finishes, a racist American man gets annoyed.
The man says, "You have to speak English in God's forsaken land of America! If you want to speak Spanish, go back to Mexico!"
The woman says, "I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."
So a pirate walks into a grocery store...
And he asks for blubber. The clerk is amazed to see a pirate and exclaims "Are you *really* a pirate!?"
"Aye, matey."
"Whale: aisle B!" replied the surprised-yet-helpful clerk.
A man walks into a grocery store
After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill
I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers
but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
A woman wants to buy a pair of spectacles.
A woman walks into a shop and says," Doctor, I think I need a pair of spectacles! "
The shopkeeper replies," You certainly do ma'am! This is a grocery store.
A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home...
She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen"
He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread
Dad joke I came up with at work.
I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."
A Lady walks into a Grocery Store..
A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath". The clerk asked "Pasteurised?" She replied "No just up to my chin"
One of everything.
A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."
I believe i can fly
i believe i can flyyy
got shot by the pizza guyyy
all i wanted was some onion ringggss
from McDonald's or Burgerkinggg
I believe i can soarrrr
mom slapped me in the grocery storeee
Even though im 24 I still got an imaginary dinosoarrrrr
I believe i can falllll I tripped on a bouncey ballll
Thought id post this funny jokes. Even though i got no votes.
A close call.
Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke told by an old man.
I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: s**... you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .
The cashier at my local grocery store hates me...
I'm always paying in 1$ bills and I use a lot of them. I attempted to calm her down with some humor.
"I'm an exotic dancer...and I'm really good at it", I said with a wink.
She replied with a glare, "I doubt that. If you were any good you'd be paying with $5's"
Why are some cucumbers individually wrapped with plastic at the grocery store?
Double usage
A man and his son were at the grocery store today...
They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!
Whata country..
You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"
A dinosaur goes to a supermarket
A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:
'So how are you paying today?'
The dinosaur replies:
'With tyrannosaurus checks.'
Where is my wife
A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store.
Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife.
Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife.
Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like?
Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got kicked out of the grocery store while trying to pay with a debit card.
The terminal instruction read "s**... down, facing cashier".
I locked eyes for dominance.
Mother and son in Grocery store.
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal." - collected
A woman from the ghetto is in the grocery store with a whole crew of kids...
She yells out, "Billy!" and nine boys come running and line up by the door.
A passer-by laughs to himself and asks, "Did you name all your sons Billy?"
"Yup. Makes calling them for dinner a lot easier."
"What happens when you only need to talk to one of them?"
"Then I just call them by their last name."
I cut the entire line at the grocery store.
When they asked what I was doing, I said "I'm losing wait"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If m**... starts getting sold in a grocery store...
Would it be in the pharmacy or the baking aisle?
Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.
My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Shopping for singles
I went to a small grocery shop. I am on my way to pay and look for a line. I suddenly notice one young and pretty cashier with almost empty line so I go for it. I start to unload my groceries on a tilt. One pack of hard cigarettes, 6 beers, frozen pizza, some bacon and chocolate bars.
The cashier smiles at me and says: ''You are single, right?''
Little shocked I reply with a smile ''Yes... why? Did my selection of grocery gave it away?''
''No, you are ugly as f*c**....''
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
A couple of police officers taught me a valuable lesson about grocery stores.
Apparently, employees aren't supposed to have free thyme.
Grocery store meat departments are starting drone delivery but customers think it's risky.
Its a high-steaks situation
Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic
because baggers can't be choosers.
Grocery store
I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"
Store Applicant
One day a manager at a grocery store was interviewing applicants to take up a position in his store.
He asks one applicant, "Do you have any experience with stocking?"
The applicant replies, "Yes, actually, I have four convictions for that."
A woman had a terrible skin disease
That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said
"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."
The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."
The man on the phone exclaimed "40 gallons pasturized!?"
She said "heavens no... Just past my waist."
A man asks another "do you have a car?".
"Sorta", he replies.
"What do you mean?", asks the man.
"Well, it's my wife's car when she goes grocery shopping, it's my son's car when he goes to his girlfriend's, it's my daughter's car when she goes out at night and it's mine when it's out of gas!".
There's a guy sneaking around in grocery stores in my town dropping chunks of dry ice in boxes of cereal.
We're being attacked by a cereal chiller!
A man tells his wife he's not feeling well.
When she comes home from the grocery store, she brings him his favorite soy sauce to cheer him up. He says Oh, I see, Kikkoman when he's down .
Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)
A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door you'll never get in there."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a c**... fell out of my wallet.
I was a little embarrassed.
I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.
I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."
It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn't carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.
Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. I was so excited, she told us later, that I bought two!
Whenever she was asked her name, a little girl told people, I'm Mr. Anderson's daughter.
Her mother told her this was wrong. Instead, she must say, "I'm Sarah Anderson."
At the grocery store she was approached by a friend of her fathers. He asked, "Aren't you Mr. Anderson's daughter?"
Sarah replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.
As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."
The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"
"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."
He gazed listlessly at the grocery store shelves..
..because he had forgot the list at home.
A guy goes into a grocery store.
He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:
"What are those?"
"Those are potatoes"
"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"
The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.
"What are those?"
"Those are plums..."
"Can I have a kilogram of plums all individually wrapped?"
The store keeper cusses under his breath and starts packing plums.
"... and what are those?!
"Those are poppy seeds and they are NOT for sale!"
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me.
He said "Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?" I said "Absolutely." So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away.
It's going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.
The only way you're getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.
My friend told me he got hit hard, lost 40% of his net profit in the market in the last year.
I said "so? I lost 85% of my net worth in the market in 1 day"
He said "what? Was it in a mutual fund?!"
I was like "no....my iPhone was stolen at the grocery store"
