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Grocery Jokes

178 grocery jokes and hilarious grocery puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grocery that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for some funny grocery jokes? Check out our collection of jokes about grocery stores, shopping, and food!

Funniest Grocery Short Jokes

Short grocery jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grocery humour may include short supermarket jokes also.

  1. My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.
  2. Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
  3. My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure. Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.
  4. My wife is so much better looking than me... ...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.
    Cr
  5. Garlic powder $5.99. steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99. Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless
  6. A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.
  7. Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US. Trump will make America grate again.
  8. They say don't go grocery shopping when you are hungry... But it's been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
  9. A really hot girl was checking me out today. Then I paid her for the groceries and left the store.
  10. A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."
    The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.

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Grocery One Liners

Which grocery one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grocery? I can suggest the ones about supermarket shopping and pantry.

  1. /u/username goes to the grocery store.... username checks out.
  2. ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts. ALDI's nuts
  3. I think the girl at the grocery store likes me, she was totally checking me out.
  4. What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store? Picking his nose
  5. What do you call an Iraqi father carrying all the groceries? Baghdad.
  6. What did the vegetables say when they got stuck in a grocery bag? Lettuce out!
  7. If Dire Straits robbed a grocery store They'd get honey for nothin' and chips for free.
  8. How do pianists remember which groceries to buy? They use a Chopin Liszt!
  9. I'm going to start a grocery store for fat virgins It's a huge untapped market
  10. Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany.. Just look for the *gluten tag*.
  11. Where is Benedict Arnold's favorite place to shop for groceries? Traitor Joe's
  12. Dr. Dre was arrested at a grocery store today. He dropped too many beets.
  13. Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocked grocery shelves. Go on. Aisle weight.
  14. My girlfriend left me because I'm so insecure... No wait, she was just getting groceries!
  15. I went to the store and bought 2% milk… And 98% other groceries

Grocery Store Jokes

Here is a list of funny grocery store jokes and even better grocery store puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent... ...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
  • My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store... I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
  • A man walks into a grocery store. Asks for a pound of tomatoes.
    The grocer says, "we call them kilos over here."
    The man replies "fine, a pound of kilos then."
  • They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?
  • I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday. You can say he was having a midlife crisis
  • I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday. Everything was OK, he was just having a mid-life crisis.
  • They said a mask was enough to go to the grocery store. They lied. Everyone else had clothes on
  • A man using apple maps walks into a bar.. ..or maybe it was a church or a grocery store or something
  • There is an Arab boy lost in the grocery store... The manager of the store walks up to the boy and asks "what does your mother look like?" The boy replies " I don't know".
  • I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section. All I did was take a leek.

Grocery Shopping Jokes

Here is a list of funny grocery shopping jokes and even better grocery shopping puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED! Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
  • When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker Self-checkout every time
  • My wife gets jealous when I go grocery shopping... There's always a cashier checking me out.
  • Grandpa: "Back in the day, you could walk into a grocery store with $ 2 and leave with a full shopping cart. But nowadays they have security cameras everywhere!"
  • My wife and I went grocery shopping with our masks on when we got home and took off our masks, I discovered I brought home the wrong wife. Stay alert people!
  • Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some Especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
    _______________
    I stole this joke.
  • Grocery Shopping I wrote down some stuff I needed at the grocery store. When I got there, I realized I forgot the note at home. I wandered around the store feeling listless the whole time.
  • My girlfriend left me today because i'm to insecure No wait she's back, she just just got back from grocery shopping
  • I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
  • Two grizzlies are out grocery shopping... Then one grizzly turns around and says to the other : "it's kinda quiet in here today dont you think?"
Grocery joke, Two grizzlies are out grocery shopping...

Grocery Bag Jokes

Here is a list of funny grocery bag jokes and even better grocery bag puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The great thing about inflation, is if you spend the same on groceries,
    the bags are lighter and easier to carry home.
  • poor guy. The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries...
    Until I unpacked them all & said, "That's how I want you to do it."
  • What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag? One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...
    And the other carries groceries.
  • Man walks into a grocery store When the cashier asks if he wants his milk in a bag, he says "No thanks. Keep it in the jug."
  • What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous to kids. You put groceries in the other.
  • How Is Michael Jackson Different From A Plastic Grocery Bag? Well, one of them is white, made of plastic and dangerous for your kids to play with.
    The other one you put groceries in.
  • I forgot a bag of groceries in my taxi. It's been driving me bananas.
  • While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up.
    Don't bother, young man, said the customer.
    It's self-rising.
  • :Grocery Store : Bag Boy - Paper or Plastic? Mark - Whatever, you Pick. Bag Boy - Sorry, Baggers can't be choosers.
  • Gotta love a dad joke Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'

Grocery Store Cashier Jokes

Here is a list of funny grocery store cashier jokes and even better grocery store cashier puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man walks into a grocery store and says, "Three pounds of potatoes, please." The cashier responds, "Sorry, we only sell kilos now."
    "Ah, too bad. Three pounds of kilos, then."
  • Why can't clerks at the grocery store pick which cashier they work with? Because baggers can't be choosers.
  • I want to buy one of those grocery store dividers but the cashier keeps taking it off the moving belt and putting it back on the rack.
  • So a man walks into a grocery store and asks the cashier if they have helicopter flavored potato chips. The cashier says, "sorry we only have plane." ✈️
  • What did Dave Mustaine say to the grocery store cashier? "Can you put a price on peas?"
  • I was at the grocery store yesterday and the cashier told me to kill myself! I guess that's what you get for using self checkout
  • Tom Brady walks into a grocery store. He buys a bag of chips, equaling up to $1.75. How much does he give the cashier? 2 dollars, so he gets a quarter back.
  • I got kicked out of the grocery store while trying to pay with a debit card. The terminal instruction read "s**... down, facing cashier".
    I locked eyes for dominance.
  • When checking out at the grocery store, I always pick the cashier who's most likely to have s**... with me. I always end up at the self-checkout.
Grocery joke

Amusing Grocery Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends

What funny jokes about grocery you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean local supermarket jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grocery pranks.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

There's a drunk guy in line at the grocery store...

The woman in front of him has a block of cheddar cheese, a half gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs.
He stumbles up to her and says, "Why, you must be single!"
Rather surprised, she looks at him and replies, "Yes, I am single! You could tell that just from what I'm buying?"
Without missing a beat, the drunk guy says, "No, it's 'cause you're f**...' ugly!"

A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye.

She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, "Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy freaks out. He says, "I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?"
She says, "I'm your son's Sunday school teacher."

Sometimes at Wal-Mart...

Sometimes at Wal-Mart I like to fill my grocery cart up with wonderful toys. Then I try to find a mother with annoying kids and I hand the kids one of the toys. I make a quick get-a-way so the mother can deal with the aftermath.

So, I bumped into this cute g**... the way out of the grocery store...

We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.

What do you call a Jamaican man who has committed some sin?

A cinnamon.
It's turrible I know, but I thought of it at the grocery store and had to share it.

Grocery Economics

A man and his economist friend are having lunch.
the man mentions that he's noticed something strange when he buys groceries each week. "I always buy a tub of margarine, but I've noticed that, even though it's the same price every time, there's less margarine in the tub. I can't figure out what's going on."
The economist friend nods with a knowing smile and responds "what you have there is a case of the Law of diminishing Margarinal returns."

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...

... He walks up to the lady at the register and says: "Give me a pack of condoms, please." The lady says: "Sure, do you need a grocery bag with that?" The guy looks at her and says: "No thank you, this time she isn't that ugly."

A programmer's wife...

...says to her husband that she wants him to go to the grocery store. She says "I need you to get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer later returns with twelve loaves of bread.

Have you ever heard of the ckicken plant?

I guess the eggplant came first!
I work at a grocery store and a guy in the produce department told me this. He thought it was hilarious

This guy goes through the checkout line of the grocery store…

and he's got, like, a stack of frozen dinners, a six-pack of beer, a big 'ol bag of chips, and a single roll of toilet paper.
The cute checkout girl says, "Well, I know *you're* single!"
The guy says, "Well, yeah—how'd you guess?"
She says, "You're ugly."

A programmer...

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, they had eggs.

While browsing broom section at grocery store with girlfriend...

Me, to older man also browsing: "you think the cheap $4 ones work just as well as the $12 ones?"
Older man, without missing a beat: "I don't know, ask her to take it for a spin."

I was at the grocery store with my gpa when a couple girls in super short skirts walked by....

Gpa said, looks at those jet skirts, as we both admired the two ladies. I had to know, what's a jet skirt? Gpa replied, it's a skirt so short that when they bend over you can see the cockpit.

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...

On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....

A programmer went to go grocery shopping.

A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.
His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."
So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.

A man walks into a grocery store

After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill

I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers

but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back

A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.

Wife: Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
Husband: O.K., hun.
Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.
Wife: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Husband: They had eggs.

A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home...

She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen"

He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread

A woman is shopping at a grocery store.

She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

Dad joke I came up with at work.

I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."

One of everything.

A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."

A close call.

Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: s**... you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

At the grocery store.

Customer: "Are these GMO carrots?"
Worker: "No, why do you ask?"
Carrot: "Yeah, why do you ask?"

Why are some cucumbers individually wrapped with plastic at the grocery store?

Double usage

A man and his son were at the grocery store today...

They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!

Grandma: "I remember the days when we could walk into a grocery store with a ten dollar bill and come out with a handful of stuff"

Me: "That's cool Grandma. But you can't do it anymore, they've got cameras everywhere"

People always say don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry.

But I haven't eaten for a week and I'm getting really, really hungry.

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

A dinosaur goes to a supermarket

A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:
'So how are you paying today?'
The dinosaur replies:
'With tyrannosaurus checks.'

Where is my wife

A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store.
Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife.
Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife.
Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like?
Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.

I hate it when I run out of toilet paper

and I have to make the trip to the grocery store in really small steps.

Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless.
(The most common first comment I see for every joke is "repost". I just made this one up. If someone came up with the same punchline before, guess what, it's a coincidence. Great minds think alike)

Mother and son in Grocery store.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal." - collected

Wife:Do you need anything at the grocery store?

Me: pick up 30 bottles of minute maid
Wife: why so many?
Me: didn't you hear the news? O.J. is free!

An elderly woman appears in court for stealing

A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor."

"Very well then. 6 days in detention for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole a can of peas!!"

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...

She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."

A woman from the ghetto is in the grocery store with a whole crew of kids...

She yells out, "Billy!" and nine boys come running and line up by the door.
A passer-by laughs to himself and asks, "Did you name all your sons Billy?"
"Yup. Makes calling them for dinner a lot easier."
"What happens when you only need to talk to one of them?"
"Then I just call them by their last name."

If m**... starts getting sold in a grocery store...

Would it be in the pharmacy or the baking aisle?

Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.

My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.

Shopping for singles

I went to a small grocery shop. I am on my way to pay and look for a line. I suddenly notice one young and pretty cashier with almost empty line so I go for it. I start to unload my groceries on a tilt. One pack of hard cigarettes, 6 beers, frozen pizza, some bacon and chocolate bars.
The cashier smiles at me and says: ''You are single, right?''
Little shocked I reply with a smile ''Yes... why? Did my selection of grocery gave it away?''
''No, you are ugly as f*c**....''

"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,

"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."

Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic

because baggers can't be choosers.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, We're out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six.
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
He replies, They had eggs.

A man asks another "do you have a car?".

"Sorta", he replies.
"What do you mean?", asks the man.
"Well, it's my wife's car when she goes grocery shopping, it's my son's car when he goes to his girlfriend's, it's my daughter's car when she goes out at night and it's mine when it's out of gas!".

They say "Eat before you go to the grocery store, you do not buy as much"

That does NOT work with a liquor store....

A man tells his wife he's not feeling well.

When she comes home from the grocery store, she brings him his favorite soy sauce to cheer him up. He says Oh, I see, Kikkoman when he's down .

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door you'll never get in there."

I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a c**... fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.
I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.
I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn't carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.

Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. I was so excited, she told us later, that I bought two!

Whenever she was asked her name, a little girl told people, I'm Mr. Anderson's daughter.

Her mother told her this was wrong. Instead, she must say, "I'm Sarah Anderson."
At the grocery store she was approached by a friend of her fathers. He asked, "Aren't you Mr. Anderson's daughter?"
Sarah replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.

As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."
The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"
"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."

A guy goes into a grocery store.

He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:
"What are those?"
"Those are potatoes"
"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"
The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.
"What are those?"
"Those are plums..."
"Can I have a kilogram of plums all individually wrapped?"
The store keeper cusses under his breath and starts packing plums.
"... and what are those?!
"Those are poppy seeds and they are NOT for sale!"

I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.

For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.

I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me.

He said "Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?" I said "Absolutely." So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away.

Blind man walks into the grocery store with his seeing eye dog...

The man walks to the middle of the store, bends down, picks his dog up by the tail and begins swinging the dog around in a circle over his head.
The manager of the store approaches him and hesitantly asks, Sir, may I help you? . To which the blind man responds, No thanks. We're just looking around.

Scientists say, "Eat before you go into a grocery store, so you don't buy as much."

That does not work in a liquor store.

Grocery joke, Scientists say, "Eat before you go into a grocery store, so you don't buy as much."

jokes about grocery