grocer Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious grocer puns

Vegans think butchers are gross

But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer


A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments


A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.


A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.


At the grocery store, I went to the checkout line with the cute cashier...

I started unloading my groceries onto the belt.

Package of Ramen noodles.
Quart of milk.
Half a dozen eggs.
A couple of frozen dinners.

As she is scanning the items, she looks up and smiles, "so, you're single, huh?"

I look at my groceries and smile back. "Yeah, ha, what gave it away?"

"Because you're fucking ugly."


A woman is checking out at the grocer ...

She places 1 whole frozen chicken, 1 gallon of whole milk, and 1 dozen eggs onto the check-out counter.

The clerk looks over her items and says: "Chicken, milk, and eggs ... I bet you're single, ma'am."

"That's amazing!" says the woman. "How could you tell that just from my groceries?"

The clerk responds, "Well, you're fucking ugly."


A man walks into a grocery store.

Asks for a pound of tomatoes.

The grocer says, "we call them kilos over here."

The man replies "fine, a pound of kilos then."


When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker

Self-checkout every time


Age old debate.

People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.


So a grocer is restocking the vegetables...

When a woman taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?" The man replies "Well ma'am we're out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then." The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks "Sir, I was wondering where I could find the broccoli?" Confused, the grocer says "Well ma'am we are out of broccoli today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow." The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks "Pardon me, but do you know where the broccoli is?" The grocer looks at her angrily and says "Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?" The woman replies "D-O-G" "Okay" says the grocer. "Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?" "C-A-T" says the woman. "Perfect" the grocer replies. "Now how do you spell fuck, like in broccoli?" Confused, the woman says "But, there is no fuck in broccoli." The grocer says "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA LADY! THERE'S NO FUCKIN' BROCCOLI!"


So this lady is at a small grocer to buy some potatoes.

She does not see any, so asks the manager: "Sir, i am looking for one bag of potatoes". He replies that they have none in stock.

Lady: "I understand, but even half a bag will be fine for my needs"

Manager: "Lady, we don't have ANY potatoes in stock."

Lady: "Ok. But even if it is just 4 potatoes. Can you check your stock room?"

Manager: "Mam, can you spell the eas in peas?"

Lady: "Yes, E-A-S"

Manager: "Good. Can you spell the oes in tomatoes?"

Lady: "Yeah. O-E-S"

Manager: "Very good!. Can you spell the fuck in potatoes?"

Lady: "There's no fuck in potatoes!"

Manager: "That's what I've been trying to tell you. THERE'S NO FUCKIN POTATOES!!"


I was at the grocery store with my gpa when a couple girls in super short skirts walked by....

Gpa said, looks at those jet skirts, as we both admired the two ladies. I had to know, what's a jet skirt? Gpa replied, it's a skirt so short that when they bend over you can see the cockpit.


Grocery Economics

A man and his economist friend are having lunch.

the man mentions that he's noticed something strange when he buys groceries each week. "I always buy a tub of margarine, but I've noticed that, even though it's the same price every time, there's less margarine in the tub. I can't figure out what's going on."

The economist friend nods with a knowing smile and responds "what you have there is a case of the Law of diminishing Margarinal returns."


I have a librarian friend and a grocer friend who rarely want to hang out with me

because they're just too shelf conscious.


As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting

but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer


Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic

because baggers can't be choosers.


At the grocery store.

Customer: "Are these GMO carrots?"
Worker: "No, why do you ask?"
Carrot: "Yeah, why do you ask?"


Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany..

Just look for the *gluten tag*.


They say don't go to a grocery store when you're hungry

But I ran out of food a week ago


Grocery store

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"


Talking to a vegan today

I was talking to a vegan today and they said : "I think butchers or anyone who sells meat is disgusting ! " to which I replied "well I think people who sell fruit and veg are grocer"


Grocery store meat departments are starting drone delivery but customers think it's risky.

Its a high-steaks situation


100 kisses

A miser wrote a letter to his wife saying that he can't send her money this month, so he sends hundred kisses instead.

She replied a month later saying: Thanks for the kisses, dear, because they helped me a lot. Here's how I spent them: 2 kisses for the milkman, 7 for the grocer, the landlord comes everyday and takes a kiss or two, the butcher and the greengrocer weren't satisfied by the kisses and so I gave them other material, and gave the doorman and the plumber about 40 kisses. I still have 35, and I hope it will last me for the month. I will follow this way for the next months, because it solved many problems for me.

Regards, your loving wife .


A woman asked the grocer if he had any cucumbers.

He said, Yep, they're 79 cents each or two for a dollar. She said, Okay, give me two, I'll eat one.


Grocery produce aisle

ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?


At the grocery store today and when asked paper or plastic, I said you make the call the guy replied no can do. ...

I asked why not? To which he replied
Baggers can't be choosers.


A vegan told me that people who eat meat are disgusting..

I said people who eat vegetables are Grocer. πŸ˜… πŸ˜…πŸ˜…


I went to the grocery store to grab some milk

But the lady at the cash register said her pump was broken.


What did the grocery store owner say to the customer that asked him if he sold tires?

He shrugged and said, "I've got asparagus."


The Housewife and the Grocer 1988 (cat. no. 62)

A Housewife selected three small tomatoes and was told by the grocer they were 75 cents.

"What!" she exclaimed, "75 cents for those small tomatoes? Well, you can just take them and you know what you can do with them!?

"I can't lady," replied the unhappy grocer, "there's a 95 cent cucumber there."

- Richard Prince


Grocery stores nowadays have amazing selection

We have powdered milk, powdered orange juice, powdered eggs, baby powder...


My grocery store always has a few items on sale and today they had cheese and soup so I had to buy it

It was a souper gouda deal


Why should you never buy food at a place that sells ones and zeros?

Because they're a little bit grocer.


A grocery store visit I will never forget

So, I was at my local grocery store pushing my cart along the meat aisle when I directed my attention to the shelves as I pushed farther down. Suddenly I felt my cart hit something and I fixed my gaze forward. At first I couldn't see anything but when I looked down, I realized I had struck a midget.

"Are you okay?" I asked, he responded with an indifferent nod , his face looked pale.

"Are you feeling okay sir?" I further inquired

"Well I'm certainly not happy." He replied

"Then which one are you?"


A blind man walks up to a grocer

Grabs some grapes and asks for the price.
The grocer says, "sir, those aren't grapes, those are my testicles."
The blind man replies, "well, that explains the taste"


What are the most funny Grocer jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Grocer? Well, here are the best Grocer dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Grocer pick up lines to share with friends.

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