Grip Jokes
56 grip jokes and hilarious grip puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grip that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Grip jokes are what comedians use to keep audiences laughing out loud! From jokes about film grips and key grips to puns about vise grips, death grips and ankles, these jokes will help you seize control of the room with laughter.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Grip Short Jokes
Short grip jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grip humour may include short grasp jokes also.
- Why did the gorilla become an accordion player? It had a strong grip and a great sense of rhythm.
- What do you call a shoe with no grip? A slipper.
(Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else) - With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?" Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"
- Why do witches go commando when riding around on their brooms? Better grip.
Happy Halloween :) - losing my virginity was a lot like how I learned to ride a bike My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders .
- I watched a gripping rock-climbing documentary on netflix the other day It was great but it ended on a cliffhanger
- Over the weekend, I watched a documentary on the proper way to hold hand tools... ...it was gripping.
- What do you call Gaffer with one hand? A Light-y
What do you call a Grip with one hand?
An Evening Alone. - A Vietnamese knight encounters a stray dog... He grips his blade and calls out, "friend or pho?"
- My receptionist says you came here with two problems. Patient: I have delusions of grandure and can't seem to get a grip on reality.
Doc: And what's the other problem?
Patient: I'm Batman.
Share These Grip Jokes With Friends
Grip One Liners
Which grip one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grip? I can suggest the ones about grabs and glove.
- Why don't witches wear underwear? ... to get a better grip
- What is the difference between pink and purple? The grip.
- Why are ribs so good? Because you get a better grip.
- So I watched a documentary on tires yesterday. It was gripping.
- Why do witches wear a skirt? So they can grip the broom.
- Get a grip! Wow... or not. Looks like I'll be climbing this mountain alone.
- What is the best tool for getting a handle on your gambling addiction? A vice grip.
- I regret skipping grip day. Because now I can't get a hold of myself.
- Why do witches not wear underwear? So they get a better grip.
- I saw moonlight last night What a gripping story
- What do you call Clint Eastwood's mistress? Grip Eas'-wood!
- Why are strippers and h**... similar? They both like to keep a firm grip on the Poles.
- Why do barbie dolls have purple n**...? Because GI Joes have kung fu grips ...
- I have a m**... addiction. I really need to get a grip on myself.
- Why do crazy people perform terrible h**...? They can't get a grip.
Death Grip Jokes
Here is a list of funny death grip jokes and even better death grip puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just flew into town and man are my arms tired.... ....I had a window seat on SouthWest airlines. Death grip on the armrests the entire flight.
Happy Grip Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about grip you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grin jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grip pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde decides to try horseback riding...
..even though she has had neither lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In t**..., she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Old man Johnson and his world-champion pole vaulting neighbor are really one in the same...
They both grip their sticks and try to get it up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just before the love-makin' starts on a honeymoon...
The man says to the woman: "Y'know honey, I know we rushed into this wedding. I have to tell you a big secret of mine. It's very important that you know this about me... I am obsessed with golf. Everything I do is about golf. I eat sleep and dream thinking about golf."
The woman says: "Oh that's alright! I'm glad you brought this up. I have a secret to tell you too... OK here goes... I'm a h**...."
The man says: "That's easy to fix, if you adjust your grip and swing you'll be fine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my h**... like I play golf
Grip it and rip it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde decides to try horseback riding
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experiences. She mounts the horse unassisted & the horse
immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady & rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In t**..., she grabs for the horses's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup & she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again & again.
The blonde's head is continually battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when........
The Walmart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde tries to go horseback riding ....
.....
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In t**..., she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.
Unfortunately, the Blonde's foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Walmart's Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.
In a shelter for abused women.
My husband used to beat me on regular basis. Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman, enough is enough. So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk, I run away to this shelter. After 6 months I feel much better. The thing I like the most about this place is that there is no punchline.
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
I invented a radical new type of pencil today.
Well, to be honest, the more you write with it, the more of the barrel and grip gets used up.
But the point remains...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What should you never say to a neurotic strangler?
Get a grip, pal!
I found out why I can't play well with my new golf clubs.
They have a loose nut on the grip. 😜
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One cold January morning
On a cold January morning a f**... was being held for a man who passed away. After the service the pal barers are caring the coffin out of the church. As they walk down the steps one man slips and loses his grip on the casket causing the others to lose their grips. The coffin goes sliding down then steps, into the road and down a hill. At the bottom of the hill it crashes through the front window of a local pharmacy and goes crashing through the whole store and slams into the counter in the back. As soon as it hits the coffin opens and the dead guy sits up. The Pharmacist asks How can i help you? The dead guy says Ya you got anything to stop this coffin?
My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.
A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.
Did you hear about the director who was freaking out because the camera wouldn't say steady during shots?
He really needed to get a grip.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've got a gripe with my town's gay mayor.
You can't get a straight answer out of him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I thought about quitting m**... for good.
But, ultimately, I decided to just get a grip. Despite all the ups and downs, I'm just not prepared for anything to get out of hand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best advice you can give men addicted to p**.../m**...?
Get a grip man, get a hold of yourself.
I was surprised to fail No Nut November this early and with a broken hand too.
It's just hard to grip.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk guy gets pulled over
and the cop said, "May I see your license, please?" The guy said, "You people need to get a grip. One day you take it away from me and the next day you ask to see it."
A spill
While doing a lab experiment I was listening to music by a band who's bassist was a known drug abuser. During his solo, I slipped on some spilled vinegar & lost my grip on a beaker full of sodium hydroxide.
Looks like while he was tripping on acid dropping the bass, I was tripping on acid dropping the base
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A CEO went on a rock climbing trip with one of his employees.
The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the employee was so scared he couldn't find a handhold. The CEO yelled, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let you go."
The employee, accepting his fate, was praying when a w**... of cash hit him in the face. He yelled to the CEO, "What the h**... is this for?"
The CEO, while cutting the rope, replied, "It's your severance pay."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bought the ex wife some crotchless p**... for Halloween...
Nothing s**..., just to give her a better grip on the broomstick.
A man decided to take up golf
so he signed up for lessons with the local pro. The pro showed him the proper stance and grip and swing and then said, Now just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green. The novice teed up and smacked a beauty, straight down the fairway, onto the green, stopping inches from the hole. Now what? the man asked the shocked pro. Uh, you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup. Oh, great! said the beginner in a disgusted tone. Now you tell me!
