Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Grief Jokes
My therapist wanted to tell me about the 5 stages of grief. I said...
But nothing bad has happened! How DARE you imply that it has? I'm only paying half for this session. Thanks for ruining my good mood... Okay, tell me all about it.
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...
...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.
The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."
Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"
In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."
Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"
Recurring Visions
This is an old one.
A man goes to a psychologist and says "Doc, you have to help me. I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes my mother is right there giving me grief. When I open them, it's even worse, there she is again nagging and bullying me. Sometimes its so bad, at night time, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The doctor looks at him and replies "What? One piece of toast? For a big boy like you?"
George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...
and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane c**... early this morning.
Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"
An elderly woman's husband dies
and she is so shackled with grief she wants to kill herself. She decides to use his old service p**... to shoot herself in the heart. She asks her doctor where her heart is to which he responds "right below your left breast". The next day she was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her left knee.
Mad Man
Wife: How would you feel if I die?
Husband: I will go mad with grief.
Wife (a bit glad): You wouldn't remarry, would you?
Husband: You never know. A mad man can do anything!
Bernie Sanders was asked why he is still in the race
and he responded "there are still some states left for me." Those states are Denial, Anger, Grief, Bargaining and Acceptance.
My friend told me "the first stage is grief"
"Isn't it denial?" I replied.
"No, not for me"
Every animal goes through the stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, deppresion, etc.)
except ants, for some reason.
I just want to let all of the Hillary supporters out there that I share their grief.
I post it to facebook where me and my friends can laugh at it together.
Charlie Brown, now a young adult, sits with an academic advisor before enrolling in college....
He tells her he wants to be a counselor, but isn't sure what direction to go.
She looks over his scores as says, "I think you'd make a good grief counselor."
You can explore grief peace reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean grief heartbreak dad jokes. There are also grief puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What's an Egyptian's favorite stage of grief?
D'Nile
Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The m**... lives in the house with the yellow door."
"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."
How did Charlie Brown adaptively respond to snoopy's evemtual death?
Good grief.
Thought I would do something admirable this holiday season and donate a kidney
but I got nothing but grief from the Salvation Army bell ringer who's bucket I was trying to shove it in
I think Holocaust deniers actually took what happened worse than the rest of us...
I mean, they're still stuck on the first stage of grief.
What is the first stage of grief for an Egyptian?
De\-nile
The best friend of us is tissue
Next to you in grief
Next to you at the peak of pleasure
Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."
What is the first stage of grief for an Egyptian?
Denile.
What's the difference between new and old hamburger meat?
One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.
What did the misogynist general exclaim in grief when his soldiers died in war?
#notallmymen
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"
(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)
Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief?
They keep getting stuck in de Nile
My grief counselor died recently
Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care
My grief counselor died the other day
He was so good, that I didn't even care
The Southern stages of grief:
- Aw naw
- Aw h**... naw
- Y'all done up and done it naw
A man walks into a f**... and asks the widow if he can say a word.
The widow, sobbing in grief, agrees.
The man says "Plethora"
The Widow says "Thanks, that means a lot"
Cocktail
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff v**...." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir.
Food that makes you cry.
My friend gave me grief for tears leaking feom my face when i was chopping some strong onions. He called me a weakling, and said there was no food that made him cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
Next!
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand.
Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment.
Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.
Her boyfriend screams, Honey, don't do it… The blonde yells back, Shut up! You're next!
My grief counsellor died the other day
He was so good at his job, I don't even care
b**... h**... He was good
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
[old indian joke] while on a tour of Tajmahal, the guide was explaining how Shahjahan built this tomb for his wife due to grief.
My wife asked : would you build me one like this ?
I replied " I already bought vacant land, now it's your turn" .
Why did Draco Malfoy's f**... service take place outside?
Because he hated grief indoors.
My grief counselor just died
He was so good, I didn't give a s**....
Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid
The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.
My grief counselor suddenly died.
Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.
The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.
"He stopped calling for help yesterday
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake!
Why did the Egyptian go swimming as soon as his mom passed away?
De Nile is the first stage of grief
My grief counselor died
He was so good, I don't even care.
A man is visiting his mother's grave at the cemetery.
He notices another man on his knees weeping wildly and exclaiming, "Oh why did you have to die? Oh WHY did you have to die??" First man says to him, "I'm so sorry for your grief. You two must have been close". Second man wipes away tears and replies, "Oh, I never knew him". Puzzled, the first guy asks, "If you never knew him then why are you so upset? Who was he"?. Second guy stood up and said, "He was my wife's first husband".
My grief counselor just died…
must have been doing a great job 'cause i didn't care at all
My grief counselor died and I don't care.
I guess he was good at his job.
I just found out that my Grief Counselor died
Luckily, he was so good at his job, I don't really give a toss
