Greg Jokes

What are some Greg jokes?

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

Monday: Greg Tuesday: Ian Wednesday: Greg Thursday: Ian Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

Husband: Grab some updog on your way home hon..

Wife: for the last time Greg, the kids an I are never coming back. Stop calling us, please...

Husband: not much, what's up with you?

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours is a worthy contender

Greg " that's not it ,chief "

And then places a piece of bread on the stone and takes the knife in his hand

" What I'm about to do will blow your mind " .

Bridge to Hawaii

Greg is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Greg that he has earned right for one wish.


Greg: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time.

God: Ehhhh…. your wish is too materistic! I would have to get the concrete, carefully think about the design, along with pipes and suspensions for balance and aesthetics. It would be quite a bit to handle on my part! Wish something else and I will grant it.

Greg: Alright…Hmmm OK I wish to be able to read women's minds. I want to know exactly what they're thinking at all times, what they mean when they say nothing . Basically, I want to understand women inside out.

God: So you want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?

Which car will you get in heaven?

Three guys are standing in heaven, their names are Greg, James, and Tony. They are at a car dealership, and an angel asks them "were you faithful to your wives?" Greg answers "yes, I never cheated on my wife." He is given a new Lamborghini. The angel then asks James if he ever cheated on his wife. He says "once, and I am ashamed to admit it." He is given a Toyota Corolla. The angel then asks Tony, and he says "yes, lots of times." He is given an old Morris Marina.

A few days later, Tony sees Greg sitting on a park bench, and Greg is crying. Tony Asks Greg "you were given a Lamborghini the other day, why are you crying?" Greg responds "I just saw my wife, they gave her a pair of roller skates."

Greg wins Β£25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home

"Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.

Two fish in a tank

Fish 1: uh, Greg?


Fish 2: what


Fish 1: how do we drive this thing

It was the Milkman's last day...

It was Greg the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words."

He said, "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Invention of the knife

"What is that?"

I call it the 'knife'.

"Wow, that's the best thing since bread!"

Greg, I am about to blow your mind.

2 old men...

2 old, Greg and Patrick, are gambling at the casino. Having exhausted all but $2 of their cash, they decided to try their luck at the roulette table.
not knowing which numbers to pick, Greg says "How many times did you have sex with your wife this week?"
"7, how bout you?" says Patrick.
"10" says Greg
"Wow, so I'll play number 7 and you play number 10"
Greg picked 7 and Patrick picked 10. They spun the roullette and it lands on 0. Patrick says " Oh man, if we both didn't lie we both would've won!"

It was a lot easier to keep track of the days of the week back then

Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.

Heisenberg's wife was unhappy...

because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.

Credit to Greg and/or Terry from American Dad.

Im not sure who named the Gregorian calender ,probably some guy called Greg.

Or Ian.

Hi, my name is Gregory.

Greg for short, Grego for medium.

2 cannibals Greg and Alan

Greg and Alan start eating their fresh kill, Greg starts at the head and Alan starts at the feet.

About 15 minutes into dinner Greg, eating the head still, asks the Alan how he is doing

Alan replies "I'm having a ball Greg."

Greg says "slow down your eating too fast."

What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic diver?

Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows


Yeah, I know it's old....

Steve always thought Greg's wife was hot.

Steve: How about me and you do a little wife-swapping?

Greg: Steve, you're not married.

Steve: C'mon man, I'll get you back later.

A Bicycle and a Unicycle walk into a bar...

A bicycle and a unicycle are thirsty so they walk into a bar. The unicycle says, "AAAAAAAAAAHH." The bicycle asks the unicycle what's wrong and the unicycle says

"I'm sorry Greg, I just can't handle bars"

A good one for parties

So Steve, Greg, and I (put friends names in of course) were walking down a dirt road when we saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. We are all thinking the same thing so I go and have my way with it and they turn their backs. After I am done Steve goes and has his way with it, while Greg and I turn our backs. Then Greg goes over the fence and we are waiting and waiting and waiting... Finally we turn around and there is Greg, with his head stuck in the fence.

My buddy Greg just lost both his arms...

He used to be such a cheery guy, so full of life ,but he hasn't laughed or smiled once at any of my jokes since his accident...

He doesn't have a single humerus bone in his body.

Greg was so hungry he ate a frozen steak.

He hadn't really thawed it out.

What would Gregor Mendel pray for if he had a blender for his experiments?

Whirled Peas

Everyone was tired of hearing Greg complain about his car troubles

It was always a Saab story

I had an Australian "Kangaroo" beer the other day

It was too hoppy!

-Greg Hahn

What did the Gregorian monk say when he was kicked out of the monastery?

Give me one more chants!

What's the similarity between a giraffe and an elephant?

- I don't know, What ?

-They both start With the letter G

-What? That makes no sense??

-The elephant's name is Greg

Ethiopian Food

Me: Hey, Greg, do you like Ethiopian food?

Greg: Yeah, had it last week, it was pretty good.

Me: Hey, Josh, have you had Ethiopian food?

Josh: Yeah.

Me: They didn't.

Have you ever seen Gregor Clegane fight?

It'll blow your mind.

.

.

.

.

I'm sorry.

When Gregor Mendel did his groundbreaking experiments with pea plants, ...

...it was a classic case of publish or parish.

TIL Micheal Bay's 'Pearl Harbour' made almost $ 200 million...

...I thought that it bombed!

[re-worded Greg Proops joke from DLM]

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