Green Jokes
164 green jokes and hilarious green puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about green that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Enjoy a good chuckle with these collection of green-themed jokes for couples that are eco-friendly and blueish for a fun, light-hearted time. These purple jokes will bring a smile to faces!
Quick Jump To
- Short Green Jokes
- Green One Liners
- Go Green Jokes
- Green Day Jokes
- Putting Green Jokes
- Green Card Jokes
- More Green Jokes
Funniest Green Short Jokes
Short green jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The green humour may include short blue jokes also.
- These bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.
- If light travels faster than the speed of sound... how come I can hear the guy in the bmw behind me honk before the light turns green?
- Reddit's logo should be a bit more green. To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.
- I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world! The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content
- What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
- What do Green eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common? They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
- My ex girlfriend was a beautiful woman... ... olive skin, green eyes, snakes for hair.
But I had to break it off with her because she was constantly objectifying me. - If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have? Kermit the Frog's full attention.
- Simply by replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%... ...of what little joy you had left in your life
- I just found out I'm colour blind The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
(Courtesy of a family member)
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Green One Liners
Which green one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with green? I can suggest the ones about gray and grown.
- Why didn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.
- What's green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table
- When do you start on red and stop on green? When you're eating a watermelon!
- I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness. It came out of the green.
- What's green and not heavy? Light green.
Credit to my 10 year old for this one. - I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.
- Why does nobody play Uno with Mexicans? They always steal the green cards.
- What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree? A pool table
- My doctor told me I am colorblind. I had no idea! It came right out of the green
- Yesterday, I found out I was colorblind The news came out of the green.
- What is green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers
- What burns longer, a red or a green candle? Neither, they both burn shorter.
- What is green but turns red when you push the button A frog in a blender
- What did the Green grape say to the Purple grape? Breathe idiot! Breathe!
- People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green At least I avacado
Go Green Jokes
Here is a list of funny go green jokes and even better go green puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I put a bumper sticker on my car that says "honk if I'm pretty" Sometimes when I'm sad I go park at green lights
- In a banana republic the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown.
- On the bright side, this is gonna be the most environmentally friendly olympics... On the bright side, this is gonna be the most environmentally friendly olympics, even the pools are going green.
- What is green and loves going camping? A Boy Sprout
- NEVER go down on a black , the father said to his daughter Whilst you are learning to ski, stay on the green runs
- I live in California and my friend told me, I wish the leaves here changed color. I told him, the leaves in California change all the time... they go from green to on fire.
- Well, it's time... Somebody better go wake up Green Day.
- Why did the green bean go to jail? He was disturbing the peas.
- Go green and cut your energy bills in half! install a wind turbine on your head that runs on all the jokes that whoosh right over it
- What fruit selling man do when light turn green? Man go.
Green Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny green day jokes and even better green day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Fun fact I was born the same day a Green Day album was released So, that means two American Idiots came out that day
- Mood ring Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.
When she's in a good mood it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead. - A vegetable joke: One day, Mr. Lettuce and Ms. Kale got into a fight over who wears green better. Ms. Kale looks at Mr. Lettuce and says, "I will kale you" and Mr. Lettuce says, "Lettuce fight"
- Hey guys Someone needs to wake up green day.
- What is a Leprechauns favorite rock band? Green Day
- What band should you listen to on St. Patrick's day? Green Day
- Trump seems to be having trouble finding backup music for his rallies lately :/ Poor guy should ask Green Day. Theyd probably let him use American Idiot.
- I'm a narcoleptic Green Day fanatic, Wake me up when September ends.
- What day is the best for punk and rock music? A green one apparently.
- Q: What goes black and white Black
White
Black
White
Black
White?
A: A nun falling down the stairs.
Q2: What goes green a few days later?
A: The same nun at the bottom of the staircase.
Putting Green Jokes
Here is a list of funny putting green jokes and even better putting green puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Some people give me strange looks when I put little dress shirts on my salads. What can I say? I really like collared greens.
- I was playing on a putting green which was made on the roof of a luxury London hotel. I was putting on the Ritz.
- How do you get red color from green color? You put frog in mixer
- Why did the bunny find some extra green in his paycheck? Because he put in a little extra clovertime.
- I'm going to make a bumper sticker and put Honk if you think I'm pretty And then I'm going to start stopping at green lights so I can feel good about myself.
- I noticed a gorgeous woman in a green dress. But she wasn't interested. My green dress probably put her off.
- I put a Honk if you think I'm s**... bumper sticker on my car. My self confidence is skyrocketing!
A *TON* of people think I'm s**... at this green light right now.... - How do you fix a broken vacuum cleaner? Put a Green Bay sticker on it, it'll s**... again.
- I put a bumper sticker on my car that says, "Honk if you think I'm s**..." Now I'm spending hours a day standing at green lights
- Why didn't Al Green's record label let him put a n**... pic of himself on the cover? They said they need an Al-b**... cover.
Green Card Jokes
Here is a list of funny green card jokes and even better green card puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm never playing uno with Mexicans again. They take all the green cards.
- Just played Uno with my Mexican co-workers... ...they stole all the green cards.
- Why are Mexicans bad at UNO? They steal all the green cards.
- Why can't immigrants play uno? Because they keep trying to take all of the green cards!
- Why are mexicans so predictable in Uno? Because they always wish for the green card
- Why can't Mexicans play uno because they steal all the green cards
- I should get my girlfriend a card for her birthday. I'll make it green. I'm sure she will like it, all my friends say she must want one if she's dating me.
- I refuse to play Uno with people from the USA. They take all of the green cards.
- I love being excluded from things Should have got a green card
- Mexico didn't get a single yellow card against Germany in this football match. Which is fine, since they only care about Green Cards.
Charming Humor Green Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about green you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean yellow jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make green pranks.
A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.
The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."
The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."
What's the difference between a drunk driver and a s**... driver?
A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A s**... driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.
So a man walks into a donut shop on Dagobah...
And he sees a little green alien behind the counter. He asks for a hot donut.
The alien says, "Broken, our fryer is. Yesterday's donuts, I can sell you. Also, donut ingredients, we still have."
But the man is really craving a warm donut, so he asks, "Are you absolutely sure I can't get a freshly-made donut?"
"Only two options have you!" says the alien. "Dough or donut - there is no fry."
A Gynecologist walks into an exam room
Gynecologist walks into an exam room. The woman on the exam table shows the doctor two strange green dots, one on each inner thigh. Puzzled at first, the doctor examines them more closely. He then asks the woman "Would you happen to be a lesbian?" The woman answers "Why, yes, but I don't see what that has to do with these dots!" The doctor replied.. "Tell your girlfriend to get some REAL gold earrings!"
What's green and flies over Germany ?
Snazis.
This insanely corny joke brought to you by my Dad, circa 1990.
May he rest in peace!
What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.
Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Green Spots
Rebecca is worried about 2 green spots that appeared on her inner thighs. Although she is embarrassed, she goes to the doctor who looks and asks her ' Is your boyfriend a Gypsy? '
Rebecca says 'Yes, how did you know?'
So the doctor said 'Tell him his earrings are not gold'
what is green and, if stuck between your teeth, will kill you?
a tractor.
A girl goes to the doctor ..
A girl goes to a doctor to ask about green spots on the inside of her thighs.
The doctor examines them and then asks "Is your boyfriend a gypsy"
Amazed, the girl says "Yes, Why?"
The doctor says "Well, tell him his earrings are not gold"
A young boy asks his father if gardeners' thumbs are really green
The father says, "No, son, it's just an expression. Like when police catch a criminal red handed. The thief's hands aren't really red, they are black like normal.
I have a bumper sticker that says...
"Honk if you think I'm s**...."
Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.
A dog goes into a hardware store...
...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .
-Steven Alan Green
5 year old cousin with this one: Who lives in the green house?
Me: I don't know
Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house?
Me: The red guy
Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house?
Me: The blue guy
Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house?
Me: The yellow guy
Her: Who lives in the white house?
[Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out:]
The black guy!!
What is green and smells like a pig?
Kermit the frog's finger
I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind..
It came completely out of the green
LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls
So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?
"dad, why do people say they have green fingers when their fingers are not green"?
"well son, its a saying. just like when you say someone was caught red handed, when their hand is actually black"
What's red and d**... dangles from the ceiling?
This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.
Pop Pop: What's red and d**... dangles from the ceiling?
Me: I don't know...
Pop Pop: A Red d**... dangle of course!
Pop Pop: What's green and d**... dangles from the ceiling?
Me: A green d**... dangle!
Pop Pop: No they only come in Red.
Me: :|
Why did Yellow divorce Red?
Because Red Blue Green
A black man, a blue man, a green man, a pink man, a red man and yellow man walk into a bar...
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Too much Risk."
Three slabs of concrete walk into a bar
They sit down, order drinks and start bragging about how strong they are. As they're doing this a small bit of green tarmac walks in and they hide under the table as it orders its drink.
When it leaves they all get up and the barman asks them
"What's up with you guys? I thought all of you were tough."
"Oh, we're tough," they said, "but he's a cycle path."
A border patrol officer stops a Mexican immigrant...
...on his way in to the U.S.
He says to the Mexican: "If you can make a whole sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow, Ill let you in with no delay"
The Mexican pauses to think for a few minutes then replies: "The phone goes Green-Green, I Pink it up and I say Yellow"
A boy asks his father, "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't really green?"
The father replies, "It's just an expression, son. Just like how they say a person is caught stealing red-handed, even though his hands are actually black."
Why do green beans meditate?
To find inner peas!
Gay guys know everything...
A gay guy and a straight guy are in a car and stuck at a stoplight for a very long time. The gay guy looks at the straight guy and says
"I'm going to go, it's going to turn green anyways."
the gay guy goes and it turns green. The straight guy says,
"how'd you do that."
"Gay guys know everything." said the gay guy.
Then the two go to the mall and while they're in the parking lot the gay guy stops the straight guy and says.
"I bet you in about 4 seconds 5 hot girls come around that corner over there."
About 4 seconds later 5 hot girls walk around the corner. The straight guy says,
"how'd you do that?"
the gay guy says yet again.
"Gay guys know everything."
*At this point in the joke you say to the person "Then the two guys go up these things that are a lot like stairs but they move?" Struggle to think about what they are called and hopefully the person you're telling the joke to says "escalator." Then you say*
"Gay guys know everything..."
What is the Great Gatsby's favorite superhero?
Green Lantern.
His least favorite?
Deadpool.
What's green and sits on the porch?
p**... O'Furniture.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
A boy asks his dad a question
A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"
The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."
Husband: Guests are coming tonight.
What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
* loud sound comes from the kitchen *
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.
What colour bricks?
Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.
My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!
If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?
None, a green house is made out of glass.
What is green, has 8 wheels, and flies?
A garbage truck
My girlfriend's dad just gave me the green light.
Which was very generous, but I don't find him s**....
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Why was yellow angry at red?
Red blue green.
Why do elephants wear green shoes?
So they can sneak across pool tables.
Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table?
Works, doesn't it?
What's the difference between a high and drunk driver?
The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.
If light travels faster than sound.
Then why do I always hear a honk before the light turn green?
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe d**..., BREATHE!
If the blue man lives in the blue house, the green man lives in the green house, and the red man lives in the red house, then who lives in the white house?
The orange man
A young boy asks his dad
A young boy asks his dad: "Why do people say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't actually green?"
The dad replies: "It's just a saying, son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something, they say that they have been caught 'red handed,' even though their hands are actually black."
Jake went over to pick up his girlfriend to go on a date.
When he found her n**..., he asked why.
"Well, because I don't have any dresses to wear!"
"Sure you do," Jake replied, opening her closet. "Here's a blue one, a red one, a green one- oh, hi Francis- a yellow one..."
A Professional
A man takes a taxi home after a long night of work
The taxi runs a red light
The man says "Be careful, we could've gotten in an accident!"
The driver replies "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi runs another red light
The man tells him to pay attention
The driver answers "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi stops at a green light
"The man screams "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?!"
"In case another professional drives by."
What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe?
The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
Why do Mexicans s**... at playing Uno?
They always keep all the green cards
What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?
With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.
But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!
(courtesy of my 12 yr old)
*
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm s**...".
Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.
What's the difference between a red traffic light and a green traffic light?
Please answer quickly, I'm almost at the intersection.
A guy goes to the doctor.
A guy goes to the doctor.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Why are crocodiles long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?
I don't know, but at least it isn't a repost
Should Ryan Reynolds star as Gatsby in The Great Gatsby reboot?
I mean he has already been green lantern AND deadpool.
Green chameleon for sale...
No, a red one.
No, blue.
No wait, a pink one.
Cool.
Never mind, I'm keeping it!
Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,
the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"
I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming everything that I was saying.
It turns out, they were rap scallions.
Green is my favorite color.
I like it better than blue and yellow combined.
A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.
"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"
His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."
I once dated a twin
Years ago I dated a twin.
My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'
I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a d**...'
My optometrist says I'm colorblind.
I should have realized it a long time ago... I mean, there were green flags everywhere.
A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"
What do you have if you've got a green ball in each hand?
The Hulk's undivided attention.
I bought my wife a mood ring.
Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.
If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.
Just went to the doctor and found out I'm colour blind
Genuinely can't believe it, this has come completely out of the green
