The Best 67 Green Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Green jokes. There are some green green yellow pink jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these green green bay packers puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Green Jokes and Puns

A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.

The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."

The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."

What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.

What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

Green joke, What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you?

Why does nobody play Uno with Mexicans?

They always steal the green cards.

What burns longer, a red or a green candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.


If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's full attention.

A young boy asks his father if gardeners' thumbs are really green

The father says, "No, son, it's just an expression. Like when police catch a criminal red handed. The thief's hands aren't really red, they are black like normal.

Green joke, A young boy asks his father if gardeners' thumbs are really green

I have a bumper sticker that says...

"Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.

I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind..

It came completely out of the green

What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don't know...

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!

Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Pop Pop: No they only come in Red.

Me: :|

A black man, a blue man, a green man, a pink man, a red man and yellow man walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Too much Risk."

You can explore green purple reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean green green beans dad jokes. There are also green puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

A boy asks his father, "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't really green?"

The father replies, "It's just an expression, son. Just like how they say a person is caught stealing red-handed, even though his hands are actually black."

I beat a black belt at karate.

My next challenger is a green sock.

What is green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's fingers

What is the Great Gatsby's favorite superhero?

Green Lantern.
His least favorite?
Deadpool.

Green joke, What is the Great Gatsby's favorite superhero?

What's green and sits on the porch?

Paddy O'Furniture.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"

The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)


What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.

My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!

If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?

None, a green house is made out of glass.

My doctor told me I am colorblind.

I had no idea! It came right out of the green

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

Why do elephants wear green shoes?

So they can sneak across pool tables.

Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table?

Works, doesn't it?

What's the difference between a high and drunk driver?

The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.

I put a bumper sticker on my car that says "honk if I'm pretty"

Sometimes when I'm sad I go park at green lights

If light travels faster than sound.

Then why do I always hear a honk before the light turn green?

These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon

Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe dammit, BREATHE!

If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

A young boy asks his dad

A young boy asks his dad: "Why do people say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't actually green?"

The dad replies: "It's just a saying, son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something, they say that they have been caught 'red handed,' even though their hands are actually black."

What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.

But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!

(courtesy of my 12 yr old)

*

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green

At least I avacado

What is green but turns red when you push the button

A frog in a blender

Yesterday, I found out I was colorblind

The news came out of the green.

I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.

A guy goes to the doctor.

A guy goes to the doctor.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

Green chameleon for sale...

No, a red one.

No, blue.

No wait, a pink one.

Cool.

Never mind, I'm keeping it!

Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.

"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."

A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.

My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'

I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a dick'

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

I bought my wife a mood ring.

Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.

If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.

I put a Honk if you think I'm sexy bumper sticker on my car.

My self confidence is skyrocketing!

A *TON* of people think I'm sexy at this green light right now....

What's green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.

To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content

Guy goes to a fancy dress party in a green jumpsuit carry a woman by piggy back.....

Doorman: You can't come in mate, you're not in fancy dress

Guy: Yes I am, I'm a tortoise

Doorman: well I can see you're wearing green, but what's with the woman on your back?

Guy: That's Michelle....

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.

Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Compliments of Hank Green

What did the Green grape say to the Purple grape?

Breathe idiot! Breathe!

A man an a boy walk into a barbershop

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you". "That wasn't my daddy" said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

When driving, a drunk will approach a stop sign and may speed right through it.

A stoner will actually stop... and wait for it to turn green.

My ex girlfriend was a beautiful woman...

... olive skin, green eyes, snakes for hair.

But I had to break it off with her because she was constantly objectifying me.

What's green and not heavy?

Light green.

Credit to my 10 year old for this one.

What do you call a huge, angry, green man that cites all his arguments from peer reviewed journals?

The credible hulk

What's green, has six legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A snooker table.

What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?

Kermit the Frogs undivided attention

What is a Leprechauns favorite rock band?

Green Day

Sometimes people are surprised to find out I've been named after my dad....

....but how could I have been named before him?


Source : Hank Green, the ultimate Dad

Why didn't the green onion enjoy the heavy metal concert?

He was more of a rap scallion.

What band should you listen to on St. Patrick's day?

Green Day

My wife pinches me for not wearing green. Babe, that's assault!

Wife: Yeah, but it's just a pinch assault

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the green green bay jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working green green bay packer piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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