Green Eyes Jokes
29 green eyes jokes and hilarious green eyes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about green eyes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Green Eyes Short Jokes
Short green eyes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The green eyes humour may include short blue eyes jokes also.
- My ex girlfriend was a beautiful woman... ... olive skin, green eyes, snakes for hair.
But I had to break it off with her because she was constantly objectifying me. - My daughter has green eyes, she got that from me, my wife on the other hand has black eyes.. She also got those from me.
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Green Eyes One Liners
Which green eyes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with green eyes? I can suggest the ones about big eyes and colour green.
- What's green and bad for your eyes? An alligator.
- What's green and hurts when it hits you in the eye? A snooker table
- What did the bull say to the green eyed cow? I can't get pasteurize.
- What color eyes do you get when you mix brown eyes with green eyes? Pink eyes
Green Eyes Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about green eyes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean brown eye jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make green eyes pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You old fool!
A farmer goes into the bedroom one night with a sheep under his arm. His wife, in bed, looks up from her National Enquirer. She has curlers in her hair and green face cream all over her face.
The farmer says, "Sweetheart, this is the pig I sleep with when you won't give me what I want."
The wife rolls her eyes and says, "You old fool! That's a sheep."
The farmer replies, "You old fool, I wasn't talkin' to you!"
A badass is driving with his friend in a Ferrari, and he speeds past a red light
His friend shouts, "What are you doing?! You just ran that light!"
"I'm just a badass like that, what can I say?" He laughs.
He continues to speed through each red light, and his friend cowers and shouts at his friend all the way.
"I can't take it anymore! We're going to get hit!"
"C'mon, I'm a badass, my man! I know what I'm doing."
At an intersection, he pulls to a stop at a green light.
The friend says, "You're kidding me. Why did you stop?"
"Gotta keep an eye out for other badasses."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An employee at a supermarket
An overworked and underpaid employee was stocking shelves at his local supermarket. Naturally, he was very tired and didn't care about anything going on around him. Out of nowhere, an old woman with a Karen haircut comes up to him and says "hey you, tell me what those little green things in the pods are called before I hit you so hard your children have bruises. I need these for my diet." The employee, wanting nothing to do with this lady, simply rolls his head around, makes direct eye contact with the lady and says, "b**..., peas".
A depressed person and a happy person walk into a hardware store, how can you tell the two apart?
The depressed one goes straight for the ropes while the happy one follows them with a camera and is wearing a green hat with three eyes on it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Burt and Arthur are playing golf
As Burt is eyeing in a putt on the 14th, a f**... procession drives slowly down the road right next to the green. Burt drops his putter, removes his hat, bows his head and mutters in a respectful manner.
Arthur congratulates Burt on his display of respect and says he didn't know Burt had such respect for the deceased, especially in the middle of a shot.
Burt replies well usually I wouldn't bother, but after 45 years of marriage I guess it's only fair to her
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dad goes to the mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had s**... with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall...
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down with the old man . He had spiked hair in all different colors : green , red , orange , blue and yellow
The old man just stared at the young man
Every time the young man looked , The old man was staring
Young man : What's the matter old timer , Never done anything wild your life?
Without batting an eye , The old man replied , "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot , I was wondering if you were my son".
Man....that could have been me!
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green. Suddenly, a carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, pulled up next to me.
They had a wild-eyed look as they yelled "Allah HuAkbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" & waved their fists at me. Then they took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran right over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
I caught a ride from this stranger...
and we came to a red light, but he zipped right through it. I asked him "Why didn't you stop?"
He replies "Aw, don't worry about it! My brother does that all the time!"
We come to another red light, and he runs that one as well.
"My brother does this all the time!"
We come up on a third red light, but just before we get there, it turns green. He slams the brakes on, smoke coming off the wheels, and we stop just short of the intersection. I ask him "Why'd you stop *now*?"
He looks at me with fear in his eyes, and says "My brother might be coming!"
Christ and Moses...
...are playing a round of golf. Jesus is on the green, but he puts away his putter and takes out a driver. Moses says "Put that away. You'll never get it in." "Nonsense," replies Jesus. "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." Jesus hits the ball too hard, and it falls into the water. Moses rolls his eyes, parts the waters, and brings the ball back. Not one to be deterred, Jesus takes out the driver again, saying "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." The ball once again goes into the water, Moses parts it, retrieves the ball, and gives it back. When once again Jesus fails to get the ball in, Moses refuses to help. So, Jesus steps out onto the water and proceeds to search for the ball. A man walking by looks incredulously at Jesus, turns to Moses and says "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" "No," replies Moses. "Sam Snead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
the golf course frog
A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'ribbit 9 iron'. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life.
Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said 'ribbit Vegas'.
On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite.
Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said 'I don't know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I've ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?' The frog looked the man in the eyes and said 'Ribbit, kiss me'. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, n**......14 year old girl.
...and I swear, your honor, that's exactly how she ended up in my room!
A rather long winded joke, read all of it to get the punchline...
Right, so there was this guy that lost his eye in a car accident, and after losing it he hadn't been out of his house much, aside from having to go shopping, because he was so embarrassed. One day his friends come over to his house, and they say "look man, you've got to come to the dance next week, it'll be fun, and you haven't done anything in ages." The man stubbornly refuses, until his friends stop pestering him about it, but the next day, they come back, and say "well, we've got a bit if a surprise for you... We've put together enough money to buy you a fake eye." The man says "that's great! thanks so much!" His friends then say, "but, you have to promise to come to the dance once you've got one. The man thinks it over, he's still a bit embarrassed, but eventually agree. So the man and his friends drive to the eye store and walk up to the man at the counter. "Hello," says one of the eyeless mans friends, "we're here to buy a fake eye for our friend here, do you have any in stock?" The nan at the counter says "we certainly do, and walks into the back of the shop, returning later with a box of beautiful glass eyes. "These a very good quality eyes," the man said "they're hand painted, and we have a match for pretty much any eye colour. "Great!" Says one of the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Well" says the man at the counter, "these are very good quality, so you're looking at around $1500 to $2000" "well" says the mans friend, "we don't really have that much to spend... Do you have any others?" "Certainly," says the man at the counter who puts the lid back on the glass eyes, walks into the back of the shop, coming back with a box full of plastic eyes. "These ones are also hand painted, but they aren't as well-painted as the glass eyes, and they aren't quite as matching, but they are still rather indistinguishable from normal eyes. "Right," say the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Um... These," says the salesman "will cost around $900" "sorry," says the man to his friend, "but we don't have quite enough for those, either. Do you have any more?" He says, turning back to the man at the counter. "We do have some wood eyes, says the man at the counter," he then produces a box from under the counter. "These wood eyes aren't hand painted, and won't be able to get a really good colour match, but we can find a passable colour, I'm sure." Says the man at the counter, " and they'll only cost about $120" "right" says the eyeless mans friend, "we'll take this one then." He takes a dark green eye from the box, and gives it to his friend, handing the man at the counter the money. The friends drive home, trying to cheer the eyeless man up, as they eye isn't entirely convincing. "It's okay," says the eyeless mans friend it'll be fine, it won't even be that light at the dance, and your eye won't show." So the man reluctantly goes to the dance the next week. Once arriving at the dance, the man sits alone in a corner until everyone else has a dance partner. The mans three friends come over to him, and encourage him to get a partner, "how about her over there?" The mans friend points to a woman sitting alone in a corner on the other side of the room. "Come on," prompts his friend "you can't have come all this way for nothing." "Alright," says the man, "I'll ask her to dance. As he walks over he realises the lady has a bit of a hunch back, and starts having second thoughts. "I'm no better" says the man to himself, and someone's up his courage and asks her to dance. "Would you like to have an dance" asks the man. "Would I!? Would I!?" Asks the woman. "Hunch back! Hunch back! Yells the man and runs back to the corner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American goes to Japan....
...to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a h**... in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.
In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.
The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!
Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old man in the mall
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man did not bat an eye in his response, Got drunk once and had s**... with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fannie Green
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had s**... with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s**... with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"