Green Day Jokes
99 green day jokes and hilarious green day puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about green day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Green Day Short Jokes
Short green day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The green day humour may include short punk band jokes also.
- Fun fact I was born the same day a Green Day album was released So, that means two American Idiots came out that day
- Trump seems to be having trouble finding backup music for his rallies lately :/ Poor guy should ask Green Day. Theyd probably let him use American Idiot.
- Q: What goes black and white Black
White
Black
White
Black
White?
A: A nun falling down the stairs.
Q2: What goes green a few days later?
A: The same nun at the bottom of the staircase. - Green Day released a new politically fuelled single today called "Wake Me Up When November Ends" T___T
- I was abducted a few years ago. I was taken aboard a ship where they made me brush my teeth three times a day, wash behind my ears and eat all my greens I think I was on the mothership.
- Somebody needs to remember to go wake up that guy from Green Day tomorrow. nb: Im Australian, today is the 29th.
- Green day is playing on the only two alternative rock stations in my neighborhood... There is no alternative.
- I asked someone what their favorite band was, they said it was Green Day. I replied, you probably walk a lonely road then .
- Somebody needs to wake up Billy Joe Armstong today. "Wake me up when September ends..."
~Green Day - What did the Green Day fan say to the Earth, Wind, and Fire fan who wanted to play his his long list of music? Wake me up when 'September' ends
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Green Day One Liners
Which green day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with green day? I can suggest the ones about rock band and fall out boy.
- Hey guys Someone needs to wake up green day.
- What is a Leprechauns favorite rock band? Green Day
- What band should you listen to on St. Patrick's day? Green Day
- I'm a narcoleptic Green Day fanatic, Wake me up when September ends.
- What day is the best for punk and rock music? A green one apparently.
- Well, it's time... Somebody better go wake up Green Day.
- Somebody needs to wake up Green Day It's October 1st
- I cry everytime I listen to the "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" I really hate Green Day
- What's a stock broker's favorite band? Green Day
- What's green and hurts the next morning? St. Patrick's Day
- Guys, please don't forget to wake up Green Day tonight. September is ending.
- What's long and green and has a low I.Q.? A St. Patrick's Day Parade.
- Somebody set an alarm... ... To wake up green day.
- Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
- Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable!
Green Day Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about green day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean linkin park jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make green day pranks.
A king wants his daughter to have a husband so he puts up a flier.
The first guy comes and the king puts green glitter on his daughters private part.
The next mornning the king checks the guys private part and there's green glitter all over it.
More and more guys come along and the same thing keeps happening.
Finally, one day this guy comes along.
The king puts the green glitter on his daughters private part, and the next mornning checks the guys privates and there was no green glitter.
The king is thrilled and offers the man his daughters hand in marriage.
The guy smiles to accept with a mouth full of green glitter.
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, "$2000."
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."
"What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the red one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."
The man says, "What does HE do?"
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day a black white and Asian got arrested but the cop said if u can say green pink and yellow in a sentence, then u won't go to jail.
The black didn't know what to say so he went to jail.
The white said "well white guys are pink....." but the cop said wrong order so he went to jail.
So the Asian guy said "well the phone go Green green so i pink up the phone and say yellow"
Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? Because they're always wearing green.
My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day.
I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talking about.
I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:
Nelly
Erika Badu
Vanilla Ice
Eminem
Rhianna
Green Day
Oasis
Nirvana
Nine inch Nails
Aerosmith
George Strait
Ilene Woods
Vince Gill
Enya
Yoko ono
Otis Redding
U2
Uncle Kracker
Pappa Roach
It is okay if you disagree just let me know, but first read the first letter of each line only.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Reincarnation.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is s**... after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**..., breakfast and then it's off to the golf course then I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun, then have s**... a couple of more times."
"Then I have lunch (You'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon."
"After supper it's back to the golf course again, then it's more s**... until late at night, where I catch some much needed sleep, and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...! I'm a rabbit in Arizona!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old man in the mall
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man did not bat an eye in his response, Got drunk once and had s**... with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rich Texan is visiting Japan....
A rich Texan businessman is visiting Japan, so he decides to hire a Japanese h**.... That night, as they're reaching the c**... of the night's activities, she begins yelling, "Nagasai! Nagasai!" He obviously doesn't speak the language, so he guesses she was yelling "Yes! Yes!".
The next day, the Texan goes to play golf with a group of fellow businessmen who are Japanese. On the green of one of the later holes, one of the businessmen sink a 35 foot, double breaking putt for an Eagle. Remembering the h**... from the night before, the Texan starts yelling "Nagasai! Nagasai!"
The group of businessmen turn to him with faces of confusion. The man who sank the putt then says "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"
(I heard this joke this morning on 1310 KTCK in DFW)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
back of the bus....
There once was an old school bus driver who in his age, had plenty of wisdom. One day he over heard the white kids and the black kids yelling about who should sit in the front of the bus, and who should sit in the back.
He quickly pulled the bus over and threw it in park then ordered everyone off the bus.
He proceeded to give an inspirational message about how there was no black or white. "We should all look at ourselves as green from this point on!"
Feeling like he got his point across he ordered the children back onto the bus, "I want the dark green kids in the back and light green kids upfront!"
A Japanese and American businessman are closing a deal.....
The American was new in Japan and did not know the customs or language. He was a quick learner though and after weeks of negotiations, he sealed the deal.
The Japanese man says, "ask for anything to make your last couple of days more enjoyable.". The American says, well I'd love a beautiful Japanese woman if you know what I mean. The Japanese businessman fulfilled his promise and that night he had a japenese beauty in his bed. They start at it and the girl start shouting " mosuki mosuki". He goes harder and she yells in passion, " mosuki mosuki". The business man start thinking, that must mean good job or great. They part ways and he wakes up next morning to play golf with the business man. On the first green as the Japanese man is about to sink his pity he American thinks to impress him with his Japanese vocbulary. As he sinks the putt he says, "mosuki" the Japanese business man looks at him puzzled and asks. " what do you mean wrong hole?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once there were three fish who lived in a market.
Their names were Red Fish, Blue Fish, and Green Fish.
One day the Red Fish said to the Blue Fish: "Hey, I think that Green Fish is stinky."
The Blue Fish said: "You're right, that Green Fish is stinky."
And the Green Fish said: "Sorry guys, I f**...."
My girlfriend got me a mood ring the other day but it didn't come with instructions. So far we know that if I'm in a good mood, it's green...
and if I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on her forehead.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is s**... after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**.... I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**... a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more s**... until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.
A kid works up the nerve to ask his crush to prom...
And first he must buy the tickets. So he heads to the ticket line and waits for about a half hour until he reaches the front and finally buys two tickets for him and his date.
Then he has to buy a tuxedo, so he heads over to the tux shop but due to prom season, it is overflowing with customers all waiting to get their prom tuxes. So he waits in line for about an hour until finally he can get fitted. He buys a green vest to match his date's dress.
Then he and his date decide they want to take a limo to prom, so he heads over to the limousine rental place and stands in line for an hour and a half waiting to order a limo. When he finally gets to the front, he orders a long white limo for 8 people.
The big day finally arrives and the kid and his date and their six friends all pull up to the dining hall in their white limo but because they've arrived a little late, they have to wait in line for about 25 minutes before they can get in.
Once in the dining hall, the kid and his date head to the dinner buffet and stand behind dozens of hungry students waiting to get their food. After a 35 minute line, they finally sit down with their food when the kid's date realizes she forgot to grab a beverage.
He heads over to the punch bowl to get her some juice and is surprised to see there's no punch line.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American goes to Japan....
...to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a h**... in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.
In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.
The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!
Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"
There once was a big, strong bull...
There once was this big, strong bull. Had a ring in his nose, big horns and he went by the name of Hannibal. He had a field to himself with green grass, small dandelions and a fence. One day, the farmer brings some pretty cute cows and puts them in the field next to Hannibal.
So the bull walks up to the barbed wire and checks out the pretty ladies on the other side. He knows that he would like to get to know them a bit better - if you know what I mean - , but there is this fence between them. So he waits until the farmer leaves, takes a long run and jumps over the fence into the other field.
The cows look all startled and giggle: "O my, Hannibal... how did you get in here?"
He winks: "Just call me Hanni, honey... The rest I left hanging in the barbed wire."
- Sorry for the English, it is not my first language.
A rather long winded joke, read all of it to get the punchline...
Right, so there was this guy that lost his eye in a car accident, and after losing it he hadn't been out of his house much, aside from having to go shopping, because he was so embarrassed. One day his friends come over to his house, and they say "look man, you've got to come to the dance next week, it'll be fun, and you haven't done anything in ages." The man stubbornly refuses, until his friends stop pestering him about it, but the next day, they come back, and say "well, we've got a bit if a surprise for you... We've put together enough money to buy you a fake eye." The man says "that's great! thanks so much!" His friends then say, "but, you have to promise to come to the dance once you've got one. The man thinks it over, he's still a bit embarrassed, but eventually agree. So the man and his friends drive to the eye store and walk up to the man at the counter. "Hello," says one of the eyeless mans friends, "we're here to buy a fake eye for our friend here, do you have any in stock?" The nan at the counter says "we certainly do, and walks into the back of the shop, returning later with a box of beautiful glass eyes. "These a very good quality eyes," the man said "they're hand painted, and we have a match for pretty much any eye colour. "Great!" Says one of the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Well" says the man at the counter, "these are very good quality, so you're looking at around $1500 to $2000" "well" says the mans friend, "we don't really have that much to spend... Do you have any others?" "Certainly," says the man at the counter who puts the lid back on the glass eyes, walks into the back of the shop, coming back with a box full of plastic eyes. "These ones are also hand painted, but they aren't as well-painted as the glass eyes, and they aren't quite as matching, but they are still rather indistinguishable from normal eyes. "Right," say the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Um... These," says the salesman "will cost around $900" "sorry," says the man to his friend, "but we don't have quite enough for those, either. Do you have any more?" He says, turning back to the man at the counter. "We do have some wood eyes, says the man at the counter," he then produces a box from under the counter. "These wood eyes aren't hand painted, and won't be able to get a really good colour match, but we can find a passable colour, I'm sure." Says the man at the counter, " and they'll only cost about $120" "right" says the eyeless mans friend, "we'll take this one then." He takes a dark green eye from the box, and gives it to his friend, handing the man at the counter the money. The friends drive home, trying to cheer the eyeless man up, as they eye isn't entirely convincing. "It's okay," says the eyeless mans friend it'll be fine, it won't even be that light at the dance, and your eye won't show." So the man reluctantly goes to the dance the next week. Once arriving at the dance, the man sits alone in a corner until everyone else has a dance partner. The mans three friends come over to him, and encourage him to get a partner, "how about her over there?" The mans friend points to a woman sitting alone in a corner on the other side of the room. "Come on," prompts his friend "you can't have come all this way for nothing." "Alright," says the man, "I'll ask her to dance. As he walks over he realises the lady has a bit of a hunch back, and starts having second thoughts. "I'm no better" says the man to himself, and someone's up his courage and asks her to dance. "Would you like to have an dance" asks the man. "Would I!? Would I!?" Asks the woman. "Hunch back! Hunch back! Yells the man and runs back to the corner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
the golf course frog
A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'ribbit 9 iron'. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life.
Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said 'ribbit Vegas'.
On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite.
Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said 'I don't know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I've ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?' The frog looked the man in the eyes and said 'Ribbit, kiss me'. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, n**......14 year old girl.
...and I swear, your honor, that's exactly how she ended up in my room!
A man goes into a confessional. "Father", he said, "I slept with Kitty Greene last night".
"Say 5 hail Marys, my son, and all shall be forgiven." the father said.
Later that day, another man came into the confessional and said "Father, I slept with Kitty Greene 4 times last week."
"Say 20 hail Marys, and all shall be forgiven."
Later, The father is in his office having a discussion with one of his parishioners, when in walks a tall redhead wearing an emerald green dress, a big green hat, and matching green shoes. She doesn't say a word, but sits down in a chair with her legs apart. Both men can clearly see that she's not wearing any underwear. She sits there smirking until the father regains his bearings and asks the parishioner "Is... Is that Kitty Greene?"
The parishioner says "No, i think that's just the reflection from her shoes."
So an engineer, a psychologist, and a physicist are called into a dairy farm that is low on production...
They're each given a day to inspect the farm, then they each deliver a thesis on how best to increase production.
The engineer goes first; he says that if each stall is decreased in area by 40 inches, housing capacity could be doubled.
The psychologist then says that if the walls were painted green the cows would be more relaxed and likely produce more milk.
When the physicist is called in he immediately draws a circle on a blackboard and says, "Now assume a cow is a sphere..."
A man and his wife go golfing
A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."
"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."
So she holds the door open, and he takes his swing. The ball hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.
A year to the day passes and it finds the golfer back on the same course, this time playing with a co-worker. As luck would have it, he shanks it again and ends up in the same barn.
"Don't worry," says the co-worker, "I can hold the door open and you'll be back on the fairway like that."
"Oh no," the golfer says, "I did the exact same thing a year ago with terrible results."
"What was that?" the co-worker asks.
"I got a 4 over," the golfer says.
EDIT -- corrected punch line.
The Boss.
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.
The man asks, How much is the yellow one?
The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast.
What about the green one? the man asks. He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes.
What about the red one? the man asks. The assistant says, That one's $10,000.
Curious, the man asks, What does he do? The assistant says, I don't know, but the other two call him boss.
The boss!
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
On the green of the 18th hole after a horrible day of golf...
The golfer says to his caddy: "I swear, if I don't make this putt I'm going to drown myself in the water hazard". To which his caddy replied: "You think you can keep your head down that long?"
the green parrot
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks to choose.
The mans asks "How much is the yellow one?"
Assistant: "$2000"
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why is it so expensive. The assistant explains "He knows typewriting and type really fast"
"What about the red one?" The man asks
The assistant says "He costs $5000 becuase he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the Green one?" the man asks
The assistant says, "That one's for $10,000."
The man says, "and what does he do?"
The assistant replies, "I dont know, but the other two call him BOSS."
Moses, Jesus and a third man are playing golf one day.
Moses is up first. He hits a nice shot, but it dips and lands in a water trap. Moses quickly raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls out of the trap.
Jesus is up next. He hits an almost identical shot, again landing in the water trap. The ball hovers a few inches over the surface of the water, and Jesus casually strolls out and chips the ball up onto the green.
The third man is up last. He hits a long shot, but it's going in a wrong direction. It flies off the course to the left and into traffic. It hits a truck and bounces off, landing on the roof of the pro shop and rolling down the roof until it bounces down the course. It lands in the same water trap. A frog takes the ball in its mouth when suddenly a hawk flies down, picks up the frog, and as they fly over the green the frog drops the ball into a hole for a perfect hole-in-one.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."
Parrot Shopping
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
A little boy and his grandfather...
...were walking through a meadow on a beautiful summer day.
"Grandpa," said the boy, "why is the grass green?"
The old man shrugged. "No idea," he grunted.
Then the boy asked, "Grandpa, why do the flowers smell so nice?"
"Beats me," said the old man.
"Grandpa, what makes the wind blow?"
"No clue."
"Grandpa," said the boy, "do you mind me asking you all these questions?"
"Of course not," said the old man. "How else will you learn anything?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
X-ray Parrot
A street vendor claims that his pet parrot can tell the color of the p**... of the women walking by.
Three nuns come by and the parrot yells "yellow, white, green!"
The nuns are impressed.
The next day the parrot says "blue, orange, purple!!" and the nuns can't believe it.
The third day, they decide to throw a curve ball and not wear anything.
The parrot says "s**..., s**..., curly"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a black person, what first comes to mind in St.Patricks Day?
Is it the color green? The beer? The p**... of gold coins?
Not the gold coins man, just the p**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dining at the Mall.....
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.
I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got s**... once and s**... a Peacock. I was just wondering
if you were my daughter"
Joke Time:The Boss
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
Did someone wake up Green Day?
September ended.
Someone remind Green Day to get up.
What does Green Day say before bed?
Green night
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A dad goes to the mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had s**... with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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What's green and sits on the porch?
p**... O'Furniture.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
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s**... After Death
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.':
'Is that you, Steve?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**... I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**... a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more s**... until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly . I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'
A joke I heard at mass
A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"
What's Cersei's favourite band?
Green Day.
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Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...
anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?
Is this time of year again...
Someone needs to wake up that guy from Green Day.
^^^^Sorry
septermber ended
time to wake up the guy from Green Day
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I asked my boss
I asked my new boss why she wasn't wearing any green today. She told me she didn't feel right celebrating St. p**...'s day since she didn't have an Irish bone in her body. I asked her if she wanted one.
Know anyone hiring?
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What do you call a noodle on St. Patrick's Day?
Pasta Lin-**GREEN**-e
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A vegetable joke:
One day, Mr. Lettuce and Ms. kale got into a fight over who wears green better. Ms. Kale looks at Mr. Lettuce and says, "I will kale you" and Mr. Lettuce says, "Lettuce fight"
What's Aaron Rodger's favorite band?
Green Day (Bay)
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I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm s**...".
Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.
I was going to rank Green Day's albums from best to worst.
Then I realized they already made them in order.
Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,
the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"
Heaviest Lunch
This is a really old story my grandfather told me years ago.
When he was in elementary school in his tiny rural town, they pretty much ate what they grew or killed. Well he was going on a couple weeks of having nothing to eat for lunch at school beside mustard greens and a biscuit. He got tired of eating that, so one day he snuck into the classroom early and swapped his lunch with the heaviest lunch bag he could find.
When lunch time came, he grabbed his new lunch and sat down at the table to eat it. He opened the bag only to find two pecans and a ball peen hammer!
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If you don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day, you'll get pinched. If you don't wear red, white and blue on the 4th...
i**... ALIEN!
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I once dated a twin
Years ago I dated a twin.
My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'
I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a d**...'
Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview at call center
Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, I see the green grass and I think to myself: I hope it will be a pink day."
The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV.
Last was the Indian: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone green green, I pink up the phone and I say: Yellow".
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My parents allways warned me to never h**... through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...
Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.
Mood 𝑺𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈
Two women are shopping and talking about their husbands. One says, "My husband said he was getting impatient with my mood swings, so he bought me a mood ring the other day to monitor my moods." "How'd that work out?" asked the second woman. "Well," said the first, "When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big, flipping red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond."