Greatest Jokes

What are some Greatest jokes?

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes I could

I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."

"The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

50s Soviet joke

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*

I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20.

But I partied like it was £19.99

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no booty.

Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.

If I was being subjective, I'd say the greatest science fiction show of all time was Doctor Who, but if I was being objective...

I'd say it was Doctor Whom.

At a job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes, yes I could.

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who was greatest composer, they all said "Bach Bach Bach Bach."

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet

She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these stupid jokes, I'm dad!"

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.

The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."

The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

Marvel's greatest villain is Thanos. DC's greatest villain

is Rotten Tomatoes.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: My greatest weakness? I'm a bad listener.

I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group...

Perhaps calling it 'spastic on elastic' wasn't one of my greatest ideas...

What is the lizards greatest natural enemy?

An independently informed people.

There's a father and a son sitting in their living room.

The son asked, "What's it like to have the greatest son in the world?"

The father replied, "I don't know, you'll have to ask your grandpa"

My first name is Greatest, last name Ever

Middle name "Mistake"

Since 1782, at the age of 12, Beethoven was composing some of the greatest music ever,

of course since 1827 all he has been doing is decomposing.

What are the ten greatest years of a woman's life?

The ones between 39 and 40.

The greatest sci-fi show of all time

If I were being subjective, I'd say that the greatest SCI-FI show of all time was Doctor Who...

 

But, if I were being objective, I'd have to say it was **Doctor Whom.**

The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.

As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,



Why did you become a pilot?



To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.



Flying? the pilot asks




No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."

Greatest situational joke I've ever told...

A girl I know was talking about how her white mum was an Indian chef, which my other friend couldn't quite grasp and said "How can your mum be an Indian chef if she's not Indian?"

I replied "You can be a pizza chef and not be a pizza".

Had a couple people in tears saying that so I thought I'd share it, might have been a 'you-had-to-be-there' moment.

The Greatest Sex Culture . . .

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee, the Greek says, "Well, we built the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We built the Coliseum.

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ".

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That may be true, but it was the Italians who included women."

Do you know who Russia's 3 greatest generals are?

December, January, and February.

A boy stands in his yard with a baseball and bat...

He proudly proclaims "I'm the greatest batter in the world!" He proceeds to toss the ball in the air swings with all his might. He misses and falls to the ground. "Strike one". He tosses the ball again, keeping his eye on it and swings. The ball hits the found with a thud, "strike two". He tosses the ball once again and takes a home run swing, but the ball lands in the grass at his toes, "strike 3". He runs around the yard cheering with hands in the air, "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

A poor man fall asleep one night and the devil appears in his dream

The devil says to him "I shall grant you any worldly wish you desire but at a price"

The poor man asks "I've only got my six string and very little money, however I can earn money if I play guitar well. So I wish to be the greatest guitar player the world has ever seen."

The devil replies "the price for that is merely your human soul."

The man thinks for a moment and responds "that's a lot to lose. I don't think I'm willing to pay that. What can I get for a dollar?"

The devil responds "the greatest bass player"

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane, the plane was plummeting and was going to crash into a building.
There were only 3 parachutes. "I'm the greatest man here, I'll take a parachute" said Obama. "I'm the smartest man in here so I'll take a parachute" said Trump. They both grabbed their parachutes and lept out of the plane.
The pope said to the young boy. "Go ahead son, take the parachute". The boy replied "It's alright, the smartest man in the world just took my school bag."

The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces.

The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."

The old man says, "No. Further up the mountain is a swordsman greater than I."

So the young man climbs up the mountain to another ledge where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in three pieces.

The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."

The old man says, "No. At the top of this mountain is the greatest swordsman."

So the young man climbs up to the top of the mountain, where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly buzzes away.

"What's going on," the young man yells. "I thought you were supposed to be the greatest swordsman in the world. You couldn't even kill that fly."

"No," the old man says. "That fly is not dead. But that fly will never again father children."

Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail Hitler we need Diesel!"

How do you know America is the greatest country in the world?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

I really hope this country doesn't slip into depression...

Because if it does Trump will make sure it is the *Greatest* depression it has ever seen.

What was Elvis Presley's last greatest hit?

The bathroom floor.

Jesus's greatest miracle..

A dude in his thirties with 12 friends

Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.

Because I'm not dead.

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

...The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

What is the flat earthers greatest fear?

A well rounded argument.

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.

"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.

The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"

Dog: Roof.

Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"

Dog: Rough.

Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"

Dog: Ruth.

The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."

After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

"What do I look like?"

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife.
"Honey, my car got a flat, can you fix it for me?"
"What do I look like", He asks "The michelin tire guy? Get me a beer." And goes and watches TV/

The next day his wife greets him again after work.
"Honey, the dishwasher is on the fritz. Can you take a look at it?" She asks.
"What do I look like? The Maytag repair guy?" He asks roughly. "Get me a beer." And goes to watch TV.

The third day the man comes home and his wife greets him.
"Honey, it's the greatest thing. John from next door came over and fixed the dishwasher AND my flat tire. All I had to do was bake him a cake or sleep with him." She tells him.
"Oh, what kind of cake did you bake?" The husband asks.
The wife replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

My dad is the world's greatest magician..

He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years.

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we're not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I've heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore.
When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head." - Anthony Jeselnik

Halo

Mother Teresa passed away and was on her way up to Heaven when she finally met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He looked at her with such pride and said, "Mother Teresa! Thank you for everything you did for the world. Because of the good you did, I will give you this halo. Only the greatest figures in world history get these ." She thanked him as he placed the halo upon her head. She then walked into heaven and saw some of these amazing figures wearing halos, too. People like Martin Luther King, Jr., Abe Lincoln, etc. Then she looked over and noticed Princess Diana with a bigger halo than everyone else. Mother Teresa stormed over to St. Peter, and started yelling, "You know, I was born into wealth, and gave that all away to live in complete poverty. The scum of the Earth my whole life!" To which he replied, "I know! We greatly appreciate it. What is the problem?" She replied, "How come Princess Diana gets a halo? She was born into wealth, stayed wealthy her whole life, and I just don't think she did anything above and beyond to deserve that halo." St. Peter was confused. He looked at Mother Teresa and said, "Um, that isn't a halo. That's a fuckin' steering wheel."

Princess Diana and Pink Floyd has a lot in common

Both their greatest hits was the wall

The president of Russia is the greatest of them all!

There's no disPutin it

Talking Dog

A man brings a dog into a bar and says, "This is a talking dog."

The bartender says, "I'll believe it when I see it!"

The man sets the dog on the table and starts asking him questions. He asks, "What is the opposite of smooth?"

The dog responds, "Rough!"

The man asks, "What is on top of a house?"

The dog responds, "Roof!"

The man asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog responds, "Ruth!"

The bartender is enraged and throws them both out of the bar.

The dog turns to the man and asks, "DiMaggio?"

What is the greatest dilemma for a Jewish mother?

She finds out her son is gay, but is dating a doctor.

A high schooler was going to the prom with his girlfriend...

And as he was going through the list of things he needed, he realized he needed a well-tailored tuxedo. He arrived at the most prestigious store he could think of, to get the best tuxedo; however, there was an enormous line at the front counter, and he had to wait hours before he could obtain one. He then discovered he needed chocolate, so he went to the best chocolate store in town to get the greatest chocolates for his prom date. But again, the line was extremely long. He had to wait another hour and a half just to get the chocolates. He also decided he needed a limousine, so he called up the most expensive limousine service he could find. But yet again, it took hours and hours of waiting just to rent a limousine ride. He finally got to his high school prom with his girlfriend and they were dancing and having a good time. His girlfriend started to get thirsty, so she asked him if he can go over to the punch table to get some punch for her. As he walked up to the punch table, he then realized, that there was no punchline.

Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated

Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.

Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?

The ultimate bargain.

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?" The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

I've started dating this girl with a small handicap.

She's the greatest! She's smart, funny, beautiful in her own special way and so loving it eaves me at a lack of words.


She has a small issue, after a car crash, she suffered some brain damage and has no short-term memory. It's kind of like that movie "memento", you might have seen it. We'll have a lovely day together, cheer, laugh, have fun, but she wont remember a thing in the morning.


We have our burdens, but I wouldn't leave her for anything in the world! I admire the way she handles her difficulties and I am proud of her.


Also: did I mention that, you know ... in the bedroom, she's willing to try anything, just once, to see if she likes it.

The greatest harbor on Earth can shelter not a single ship...

It is truly without pier.

What is the greatest sin of all?

Sin 90°

What's the greatest thing about Switzerland?

Not sure, but the flag's a big plus.

Wife tells her husband that she has big news...

..."Pretty soon, there are going to be three of us in this house instead of two.

Her husband ran to her and hugged her and said "that is the greatest thing I could possible hear!"

The wife responded, I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.

As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits

I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

Two chefs go on vacation (OC)

Two chefs decide to take a vacation together. Being that they are chefs, they decide to go a cooking museum while taking some time off. In the museum, the see a golden whisk with a plaque underneath that reads: "The chef who owned this whisk was known as the greatest of his time, and served meals to kings and queens."

One chef says to the other, "Wow, I hope one day I can be a legendary chef like that guy, this is really inspiring."

The other chef responds, "You know what, I'm going to steal that whisk, once I have it, I'll be the greatest chef in the world!"

The first chef, trying to convince him otherwise, says, "Are you nuts!? Look at all the security around here, you'll be arrested and never cook again!"

The second chef replies, "Well...that's just a whisk I'm willing to take."

What's the greatest trick the Austrians ever pulled off?

It was to convince the world that Mozart was Austrian and that Hitler in fact was German.

Greatest pickup line that never works!!

I put the STD in stud, now all I need is U.

Therapist ask what my greatest fear is

therapist: what's your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long??

A man is in a job interview..

"So it says here that you consider your memory to be one of your greatest strengths?"

"Absolutely."

"Could you give me an example of that?"

"An example of what?"

Three men are sitting at a bar

Three men were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. They get to talking about there kids and how great they are.
The first man brags " My son is the greatest! He is CEO of a big company. He makes so much money that he just bought two new sports cars, one for himself and the other for his lover."

The second father, trying to show up the first, says "Oh Yeah? Well my boy created a huge internet company and makes millions he just bought two mansions, one for himself and the other for HIS lover".
The third guy is sitting quietly drinking his beer. The other two guys look at him and ask what about his son? Does he make a lot of money?
The third guy says " Nah, My son doesn't make millions or anything like that. He's a male escort. Although, his two best clients did just buy him a new car and a new mansion."

Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals.

What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!

Only Beer drinkers would understand

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!

The president of Budweiser asked for The King of Beers, make it a Bud! .
Adolph Coors requested a From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don't mind.

And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.
Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.
And you sir? he queried.
I'll have a Coke! was Guinness's reply.
A Coke??!? The waiter was shocked.
Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?

Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. Well, he said, If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!

My dad is the greatest magician of all time

He did a vanishing trick over 16 years ago and still hasn't been found

A pencil stands face to face against his nemesis, Paper. Will our hero find the strength he needs to overcome his greatest foe?!

2B continued...

An american, a Frenchman, and an Italian are sitting next to each other on a plane.

After a few minutes of conversation, the American brags, "Last night, I made love to my wife 4 times. The next morning she said she could never love a man as much as she loved me."

The Frenchman scoffs and says, "That's nothing, last night I made love to my wife 7 times. The next morning she said I was the greatest lover she's ever had."

Being cocky, the Frenchman asks the Italian, "What did your wife say to you this morning?"

The Italian replied, "Don't stop"

A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.

# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.

Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.

I bought Nickelback's greatest hits

And it was just a blank CD.

What's the greatest sci-fi show? Well subjectively it's doctor who

But objectively it's doctor whom

Jesus' greatest miracle that no one talks about..

Having 12 best friends in his 30's.

A New Movie - Stephen Spielberg

Stephen Speilberg has just recently decided to create a new action movie about the greatest composers on Earth. His creates his cast and asks them 'Who do you want to be' ...

Bruce Willis says to him 'I ll play Beethoven, i've always fancied myself as a bit of a genius'

Liam Neeson then pipes up saying 'Im going to be Mozart, i find his music very relaxing and very baroque'

Lastly Arnold Schwarzenegger says 'Ill be Bach'

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they'd mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.

Well, weaknesses... he said I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality

"And your greatest strength? She asked.

Oh, I'm the Batman

An ex-barman has an interview

...to become a teacher.

"What's the greatest strength you can bring to the children?"

"About 60%"

Did you hear about the world's greatest ninja...?

Me neither.

I once heard a story of a man who played Destiny, trying to get the greatest boots of all time, named The Dubstep Grieves.

He died waiting for the drop.

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I'm very determined.

Interviewer: OK, we'll call you when we make our decision.

Me: Great! I'll just wait here then.

If college football created a bowl game called the "Hyperbole," which two teams would be selected to play in it?

The two greatest teams in the history of the known universe.

What is a Knight in Shining Armors greatest enemy?

An itch.

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U2



Uncle Kracker

Pappa Roach




It is okay if you disagree just let me know, but first read the first letter of each line only.

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest weakness?

Achilles: *sweats nervously*

Bob didn't believe that Fred's dog could talk

So Fred asked his dog, What's on top of a house?

Roof, the dog barked.

Bob wasn't convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

Rough.

He still wasn't convinced.

O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time? Fred asked the dog.

Ruth.

With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: Was it Hank Aaron?

On a street corner a man held a sign saying, "SEE THE TALKING DOG. $5"

A woman approached him and asked if the dog could really talk.

"Yes indeed!" replied the owner. The woman handed over $5, and the owner began asking his dog questions.

"Okay, boy. How does sandpaper feel?"

"Rough!" answered the dog.

The owner then asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" answered the dog.

The woman snatched back her $5 and complained, "This is such a scam!" and stormed off.

The dog turned to his owner and said, "Should I have said Joe DiMaggio?"

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