Greatest Jokes

139 greatest jokes and hilarious greatest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about greatest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Ready for some laughs? Check out this article to find out which are the the greatest jokes ever! Ranging from the sexiest to the classic Chuck Norris to the hilarious yo mama jokes, this article gives you the rundown of the funniest gags throughout history, even taking a spin on the good old Avatar: The Last Airbender. Don't miss out on this hilarious piece!

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Funniest Greatest Short Jokes

Short greatest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The greatest humour may include short biggest jokes also.

  1. Why do chinese people love IPhones and Apple products? Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.
    (inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
    r/nextfuckinglevel post)
  2. Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness? Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics
    Interviewer: Could you give me an example?
    Me: Yes I could
  3. I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear." "The fear of flying?", I asked.
    "No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."
  4. 50s Soviet joke Who is your mother?
    Our great Soviet country.
    Who is your father?
    Our dear comrade Stalin.
    What's your greatest desire?
    Becoming an orphan.
  5. In an interview I was asked where I see myself in five years I replied with "I'd have to say my greatest weakness is listening."
  6. If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective... I'd say it's Doctor Whom.
  7. I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
  8. Inventor displays the first knife ever. His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
    Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"
  9. A friend and I were discussing a TV show and they said that the 32nd episode is undoubtedly the greatest. Upon rewatching the episode I was shocked to find it was 30 minutes long.
  10. Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world... But it's up there.

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Greatest One Liners

Which greatest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with greatest? I can suggest the ones about largest and finest.

  1. I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20. But I partied like it was £19.99
  2. The contact lens is mans greatest invention At least in my eyes
  3. Marvel's greatest villain is Thanos. DC's greatest villain is Rotten Tomatoes.
  4. What is the lizards greatest natural enemy? An independently informed people.
  5. My first name is Greatest, last name Ever Middle name "Mistake"
  6. People are usually shocked that I have a police record. But I love their Greatest hits !
  7. What are the ten greatest years of a woman's life? The ones between 39 and 40.
  8. Do you know who Russia's 3 greatest generals are? December, January, and February.
  9. Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear? He is now a little boulder.
  10. A tree house is the greatest insult to a tree "Here, I killed your friend, now hold him"
  11. What was elvis Presley's last greatest hit? The bathroom floor.
  12. Jesus's greatest miracle.. A dude in his thirties with 12 friends
  13. What is the flat earthers greatest fear? A well rounded argument.
  14. Princess Diana and Pink Floyd has a lot in common Both their greatest hits was the wall
  15. The president of Russia is the greatest of them all! There's no disPutin it

Worlds Greatest Jokes

Here is a list of funny worlds greatest jokes and even better worlds greatest puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • There's a father and a son sitting in their living room. The son asked, "What's it like to have the greatest son in the world?"
    The father replied, "I don't know, you'll have to ask your grandpa"
  • How do you know America is the greatest country in the world? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
  • Who was the greatest financer in the bible? Noah, cause he floated his stocks while the rest of the world was in liquidation.
  • My dad is the world's greatest magician.. He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years.
  • A really good bowel movement may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world But it's a solid #2.
  • With all the turmoil in the world, the US benefits from its two greatest allies... The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
  • Did you hear about the world's greatest ninja...? Me neither.
  • Tenacious D: This is not the greatest river in the world.. This is just a tributary.
  • Who are the greatest financiers in the bible? Noah, all his stock was afloat when the rest of the world was in liquidation, and Pharaohs' daughter, who went to the bank and found a little prophet.
  • Chuck Norris is the world's greatest mathematician. He knows the last digit of Pi

World Greatest Jokes

Here is a list of funny world greatest jokes and even better world greatest puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When I went to Poland I saw the greatest dancing group in the country When my wife asked what I did there I told her I saw the worlds best pole dancers!
  • Scientists need to stop surveying the deepest parts of the ocean with their high-tech equipment They should send Neymar Jr. instead because he is the greatest diver in the world.
  • A new element was just discovered that not even the greatest minds in the world could have prepared for... It was the element of surprise!
  • US democracy is the envy of the world... It is the greatest that money can buy.
  • Me: man I reckon i'm the greatest procrastinator in the world, no one's better at procrastination than me Friend: oh really? how about we have a contest
    Me: yeah sure just gimme 5 minutes
  • Why was Noah the best businessman? He floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.
    The greatest journalist? Samson. He took two columns and made an impression on everyone.
  • I became the world's greatest magician when I was born My first trick was making my father disappear.
  • I was stuck in traffic behind a Mazda SUV this morning... it wasn't the greatest car in the whole world. It was just a Tribute.
  • The world's greatest procrastinator walked into a bar. The
  • At what age did the world's greatest sushi chef begin his training? Tuna half.
Greatest joke, At what age did the world's greatest sushi chef begin his training?

Greatest Hits Jokes

Here is a list of funny greatest hits jokes and even better greatest hits puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops. It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.
  • As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
  • I bought Nickelback's greatest hits And it was just a blank CD.
  • What was Elvis's last greatest hit? His head on the corner of the sink.
  • I bought a Chris Brown's greatest hits album. It was just a bunch of Rihanna songs.
  • How are Princess Diana, Dale Earnhardt, and Pink Floyd related? Their last greatest hit was The Wall.
  • How are Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd similar? Both's greatest hit was The Wall
  • Have you heard the name of Chris Brown's latest album? Chris Brown's Greatest Hits ft. Rihanna
  • The band Europe is rereleasing their greatest hits on records. It's the vinyl countdown.
  • Today on greatest hits Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali.

Greatest Strength Jokes

Here is a list of funny greatest strength jokes and even better greatest strength puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • what would you say is your greatest strength i have strong hindsight
    that wont help us much
    i see that now
  • Greatest Strength Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
    Applicant: Yes.
    Interviewer: What?
    Applicant: Sorry, I thought you asked if I was listening.
  • A man is in a job interview.. "So it says here that you consider your memory to be one of your greatest strengths?"
    "Could you give me an example of that?"
    "An example of what?"
  • A pencil stands face to face against his nemesis, Paper. Will our hero find the strength he needs to overcome his greatest foe?! 2B continued...
  • An ex-barman has an interview become a teacher.
    "What's the greatest strength you can bring to the children?"
    "About 60%"
  • Interviewer: What is your greatest strength? Me: I'm very determined.
    Interviewer: OK, we'll call you when we make our decision.
    Me: Great! I'll just wait here then.
  • "What is your greatest strength"? Brevity.
  • Interviewer: What's your greatest strength? Man: I can do math really fast
    Interviewer: What's 12 × 7
    Man: 54
    Interviewer: That's not even close
    Man: Yes, but it was fast.
  • What is Bond's greatest strength? Maturity.
  • I had another job interview today. The interviewer said, What would you say your greatest weakness is?
    I said, I think I'd have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.

Greatest Chuck Norris Jokes

Here is a list of funny greatest chuck norris jokes and even better greatest chuck norris puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Before sliced bread, people used to say "That's the greatest thing since Chuck Norris".
  • Chuck Norris is the greatest thing, period, despite his invention of sliced bread.
  • Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all-time because Chuck Norris never played.
Greatest joke

Ridiculous Greatest Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about greatest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean strongest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make greatest pranks.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

Not too sure I got the job....

Interview I had for a job:
"What's your greatest weakness?"
"Interpreting semantics of a question,
but ignoring the pragmatics."
"Could you give an example?"
"Yes, I could."

What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no b**....

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

If I was being subjective, I'd say the greatest science fiction show of all time was Doctor Who, but if I was being objective...

I'd say it was Doctor Whom.

A man and a dog walk into a bar

Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"
"But my dog can talk"
Bartender: "Prove it"
"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"
Dog: "Roof, roof"
Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"
"Fido, what is the high grassy part of a golf course called?"
Dog: "Ruff, ruff"
Bartender (more annoyed): "I'll give you one last chance before I throw you out"
"Fido, who is the greatest baseball player of all time"
Dog: "Ruth, ruth"
Bartender throws the both of them out into the street.
Dog: "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio"

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

At a job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.
Interviewer: Could you give me an example?
Me: Yes, yes I could.

If I was being subjective, I would have to say that the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I was being objective, I would say it's Dr. Whom.

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who was greatest composer, they all said "Bach Bach Bach Bach."

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."
The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? h**.... He made over 60,000 Jews toast."
God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."
The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from a**....

During an interview the potential employer asked the young man What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?

The job applicant replied Honesty.
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don't think honesty is a weakness.
The young man replied I don't care what you think!

Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet

She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these s**... jokes, I'm dad!"

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.
The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."
The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

Oldy repurposed

Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson.
" Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Another voice said "Be for the people"
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?"
A new voice drifted by saying
"Go to the Theater"

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: My greatest weakness? I'm a bad listener.

I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group...

Perhaps calling it s**... on elastic' wasn't one of my greatest ideas...

Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time.

Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.

The Sistine Chapel ceiling may not be the greatest work of art ever, but

it's definitely up there.

I met a person claiming to be the greatest lumberjack.

I asked "How do you know, you are the greatest"
Well, have you ever heard of the sahara forest ?
I replied you mean the Sahara desert ?
Well I guess they call it that now.

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."

Since 1782, at the age of 12, Beethoven was composing some of the greatest music ever,

of course since 1827 all he has been doing is decomposing.

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

Stalin visits a Young Pioneer camp.

He asks one boy, "What is your name, boy?"
"My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin" says the boy.
"So tell me, Vovochka," Stalin says, "who is your mother?"
"My mother is the Great Soviet Country!"
"Very good," says Stalin, "and your father?"
"My father is the wise and kind Josef Vissarionovich Stalin!"
Stalin pats Vovochka's cheek: "Marvelous! And what is your greatest desire?"
"To become an orphan."

Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...

A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

The greatest sci-fi show of all time

If I were being subjective, I'd say that the greatest SCI-FI show of all time was Doctor Who...
But, if I were being objective, I'd have to say it was **Doctor Whom.**

The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.

As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,
Why did you become a pilot?
To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.
Flying? the pilot asks
No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:
"Barney. Talking dog."
The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."
"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"
"What goes on top of a house?"
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Just then the agent grabbed us both and tossed us out into the street.
Barney was just sitting there, looking forlornly at the ground and shaking his head.
"Knew I should have said Hank Aaron."

In Tribute

Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talk
Man: you're on
Boy: how does sandpaper feel?
Dog: Ruff!
Boy: what's on top of a house?
Dog: Roof!
Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?
Dog: Ruth!
Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of here!
* Boy and dog walk away *
Dog to boy: should I have said Hank Aaron?

Greatest situational joke I've ever told...

A girl I know was talking about how her white mum was an Indian chef, which my other friend couldn't quite grasp and said "How can your mum be an Indian chef if she's not Indian?"
I replied "You can be a pizza chef and not be a pizza".
Had a couple people in tears saying that so I thought I'd share it, might have been a 'you-had-to-be-there' moment.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...

...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.
The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."
Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"
In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."
Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"

The Greatest s**... Culture . . .

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee, the Greek says, "Well, we built the Parthenon."
The Italian replies, "We built the Coliseum.
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ".
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented s**...!"
The Italian replies, "That may be true, but it was the Italians who included women."

Why do Chinese people love iPhones?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."
The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."
The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail h**... we need Diesel!"

Bob Saget aristocrat joke

Man #1: A guy goes into a talent agent's office. He says, `I have the greatest act in the world.'
Man #2: Hey, oh.
Man #3: Me and my wife go on stage. We get undressed and I start (censored) my wife.
Man #4: I remember my grandmother sitting me down and telling me the joke. So she only spoke Yiddish. The only English word she knew was (censored).

I really hope this country doesn't slip into depression...

Because if it does Trump will make sure it is the *Greatest* depression it has ever seen.

Isaac Newton died a v**.... That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.

Because I'm not dead.

They say Federer is the greatest tennis player in Grass Court and Nadal for Clay Court. How about for Djokovic?

Federal Court.

What is the greatest lie of all time?

"I have read and accepted the terms and conditions."

Isaac Newton died a v**..., which means I have a one-up on one of history's greatest scientific genuises

Because I'm not dead.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has came up with a new machine to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others , they have named it in honour of Putin who funded the project

It is called RARA's Grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine

What is the greatest dilemma for a Jewish mother?

She finds out her son is gay, but is dating a doctor.

How do you call the greatest milk ever produced?


Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated

Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?

The greatest harbor on Earth can shelter not a single ship...

It is truly without pier.

Wife and I were talking about unusual names. Saw a Dr. Teak. Said if he had a daughter, the greatest name would be Ann.

Then I thought, no, that would be old-fashioned.

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Erika Badu
Vanilla Ice
Green Day
Nine inch Nails
George Strait
Ilene Woods
Vince Gill
Yoko ono
Otis Redding
Uncle Kracker
Pappa Roach
It is okay if you disagree just let me know, but first read the first letter of each line only.

Greatest joke, I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

jokes about greatest