Great Jokes
159 great jokes and hilarious great puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about great that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some fun entertainment? Check out this collection of great jokes for work and Tinder that are sure to put a smile on your face, from terrible to remarkable!
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- Short Great Jokes
- Great One Liners
- Great Grandfather Jokes
- Great Expectations Jokes
- Great Depression Jokes
- Great Britain Jokes
- More Great Jokes
Funniest Great Short Jokes
Short great jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The great humour may include short awesome jokes also.
- Girls who talks about girls' problems are great. But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
- I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law. Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
- Why is spiderman so good at comebacks? Because with great power comes great response ability.
- I told a girl, "you look great without glasses" She said, "but I don't wear glasses."
I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do." - My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo The money's not great but the tips are huge
- Trumpty Dumpty Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall
Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the golf courses and all the white men
Couldn't Make America Great Again - What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is called a Goodyear, and the other is called a great year.
- The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses." Girl: "I don't wear glasses."
Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."
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Great One Liners
Which great one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with great? I can suggest the ones about cool and grand.
- Why are people complaining,what EA did was great! I mean, you've got to give them credit.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere
- With great reflexes... Comes great response ability.
- I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
- "Dead or alive, you're coming with me." Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
- I put a black hole in my living room. It's great. Really pulls the room together.
- 1984 is a great work of literature. I think all kids should be forced to read it.
- Great wine is like great jazz... It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.
- What is great in the US but awful in the UK? Losing pounds
- I hate being bipolar, it's great
- What's a 6.9? A great thing ruined by a period.
- Here's a great life hack! When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!
- In which state is the Great Salt Lake? Liquid
- I had a great joke about COVID... but I don't wanna spread it around.
- There once was a king who was 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king but a great ruler.
Great Grandfather Jokes
Here is a list of funny great grandfather jokes and even better great grandfather puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
- I inherited my great-grandfather's antique wig-making equipment. It's a family hairloom.
- I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
- My grandfather always used to say as one door closes another one opens Great guy.
Terrible carpenter. - I was really proud of my heritage until I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
- My great grandfather once destroyed 18 WW2 German aircrafts in one day. He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
- My great grandfather sunk 5 U-boats in ww2 Easily the worst captain the kriegsmarine had
- When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee. It is considered a family hairloom.
- My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs. I guess it runs in the- wait a minute
- My great-grandfather started up an underground distillery during Prohibition It was a whiskey business
Great Expectations Jokes
Here is a list of funny great expectations jokes and even better great expectations puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value. Beach better have my money
- Yeah Tinder is great and all But have you ever tried to match your own expectations?
- I had high expectations for doing great things in 2020. Instead I'm stuck at home jacking off and playing Nintendo. The old 'bate and Switch.
- It's a great time to date a Rams fan.. They are used to disappointment and aren't expecting a ring.
- I was reading the book "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. It wasn't as good as I hoped it would be.
- Hello and welcome to Pessimism club. Don't expect much, and you'll still be greatly disappointed.
- I just started watching Great Expectations on Hulu. It's not as good as I was hoping it would be.
- You go your whole life making a great pumpernickel dip, and then BAM, one day you get 20 people asking for the recipe. Nobody expects the spinach inquisition.
- Given what's going on in the world, I don't have Great Expectations. I got the other Dickens' books though.
- I read Great Expectations the other day. It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.
Great Depression Jokes
Here is a list of funny great depression jokes and even better great depression puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Trump did make one thing about America great again! The depression.
- I have a great joke about depression, wanna hear it? *sigh* Who am I kidding?
You'll hate it anyways. - Did you hear about the depressed potter? He was doing great, until he cracked and kilned himself.
- What do you call a fat man trying out a new tempurpedic mattress? The great depression
- What do you call a Donkey Kong game that is set during the Great Depression? The Apes of Wrath
- What caused the Great depression? A lack of comedians
- What did the dog say during the Great Depression? These are ruff times
- What was the best job to have during the Great Depression? Therapist
- Did you hear about the ditch dug in the early 20th century? It was a great depression.
- A book never written... The Great Depression by M. Ellen Cauley.
Great Britain Jokes
Here is a list of funny great britain jokes and even better great britain puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the largest export of Great Britain? Independence days
- How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left? 1 GB
- With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say Make America Great Britain again!
- The US should rejoin Great Britain Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.
- Just imagine Great Britain without tea... Grea Briain
- Why don't Americans spell color like colour? It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don't need u.
- Why dont you ever see penguins in Great Britain? Because theyre scared of Wales
- How much storage frees up when Great Britain leaves the EU? 1 GB
- Great Britains new Prime Minister Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!
- Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence? Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.
Amusing Great Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about great you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean huge jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make great pranks.
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?
Statistics show that the average person has s**... 89 times a year
Today's going to be great!
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Sick day.
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."
This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife
I thought it was a great trade.
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."
Chinese Sick Day
h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
Understanding Engineers
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Today I was offered s**... by an 18 year old female...
Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the s**... I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents
A man goes into a job interview
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but,
its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,
so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great s**.... No head, though.
I never found it.
A guy was nailing his interview
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...
I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
50s Soviet joke
Who is your mother?
Our great Soviet country.
Who is your father?
Our dear comrade Stalin.
What's your greatest desire?
Becoming an orphan.
One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself "The Man of Bats..."
It was his Nana's Nana's Nana's Nana's Batman.
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
My wife gave me some bad news today
"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."
"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"
I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.
My brother got fired from his job because he had s**... with one of his patients...
its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian
I stopped my car beside a p**... last night.
As she got in I asked, *"How much for a b**...?"*
She said, *"Thirty dollars."*
I said, *"Can you do twenty?"*
*"Yeah, okay"*, she replied.
I said, *"Great, here's $600 then."*
So I walked into a s**... shop the other day...
Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.
Gunpowder therapy
A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant
A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.
Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.
So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..
"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.
"That'll be $1" answers the barman.
"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"
"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"
Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up
However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.
A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.
Man: Yeah but she's got a great personality
My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.
Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?
A woman is sitting at her husband's f**... listening to the eulogies being read...
A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his t**....
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
10 years ago today, I married my best friend
My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
Hey Eugene, do you shower after s**...?
Well yes Bob, I do.
Great, can you please get laid more often?
m**... is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea.
But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.
1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"
I'm looking for a woman who has great t**... and swallows
Signed: Ben the ornithologist
Locked in her basement
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her s**... s**....
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
A man walks up to the Widow at a f**... and asks if he can say a word.
"Of course", she replies.
The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".
The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,
"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".
Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.
The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"
During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,
- Doesn't need heating,
But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
- Has great packaging.
At breakfast, the wife asks her husband What would you do if I won the Lotto?
He says, I'd take my half and leave you.
She says, "Great. Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a
car...
... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, a**...!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way...
Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
Sensei, I've been training for years, and I'm not getting any stronger. What's going on?
Have you seen the flock of cranes fly over the old mountain at sunrise?
Yes.
Have you seen the great lightning storms crack the sky before making way for a rainbow?
Yes.
Have you seen the fabled tiger as it hunts prey in the forest, quicker than the eye can see?
Yes, Sensei.
That's the problem. You keep watching s**... s**... instead of practicing!
A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.
"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"It's cutting hedge technology!"
The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.
They find three parachutes.
Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, The world needs a great person like me!
Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, I need to help make choices for our world , so he jumps off the plane.
At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane.
The Pope says to the boy, take the last parachute, I am too old and I'm going to die soon one day.
Actually there are two left. Donald Trump took my backpack.
