The Best 90 Great Jokes

Following is our collection of Great jokes which are very funny. There are some great large jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these great great uncle george puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.


My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...


I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

Top Great Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore great remarkable reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean great love dad jokes. There are also great puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Here's a great life hack!

When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.

Jew: "Can I help you?"

Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"

Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."

Witness: "No way?!"

Jew: "Yahweh."

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.

Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

What's a 6.9?

A great thing ruined by a period.

I hate being bipolar, it's great

Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"


TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.

" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"

" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."

" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"

" - Gold, obviously!"

" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.

It's probably because they are great whites.

Today I was offered sex by an 18 year old female...

Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

Great wine is like great jazz...

It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but,

its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

A guy was nailing his interview

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".

The guy says "oh I went to yale".

The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"

Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...

I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.

A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best rΓ©sumΓ© I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."

Guy replies "Why the cat?"

Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"

1984 is a great work of literature.

I think all kids should be forced to read it.

50s Soviet joke

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere

I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people

And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"

One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself "The Man of Bats..."

It was his Nana's Nana's Nana's Nana's Batman.

Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

My wife gave me some bad news today

"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, *"How much for a blow job?"*

She said, *"Thirty dollars."*

I said, *"Can you do twenty?"*

*"Yeah, okay"*, she replied.

I said, *"Great, here's $600 then."*

Sauron is a great name

It has a nice ring to it

So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll

Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?

Me: I'd like a female.

Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?

Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?

Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider.

On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses."

Girl: "I don't wear glasses."

Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."

The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.

Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.

Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"

She said, "but I don't wear glasses."

I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..

"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.

"That'll be $1" answers the barman.

"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"

"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"

With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Β 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
Β 
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
Β 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.Β  Do you have it in paperback?

What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo

The money's not great but the tips are huge

Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.

Man: Yeah but she's got a great personality

My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you.

Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?

Well yes Bob, I do.

Great, can you please get laid more often?

Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.

At first, it sounds like a great idea.

But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.

I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.

I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is called a Goodyear, and the other is called a great year.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.

One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."

The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the hell are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"

I think You're mistaken my lady.

Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

Locked in her basement

A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.

One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"

So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.

Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

Trumpty Dumpty

Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall

Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the golf courses and all the white men

Couldn't Make America Great Again

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.

Dear Mom and Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!

Love, Your $on

They reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Mom and Dad

What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?

They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.

My day started out great, until 12 o'clock

Thats when i woke up

Electricity is a great thing...

Without it , we'd be watching television by candlelight

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay...

Sounds great if you don't know what both of those things are.

Why do musicians make great scavengers?

They're always luting.

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

Why is lockpicking a great profession?

It can open doors for you

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the great terrific jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working great great quotes piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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