Great Expectations Jokes
53 great expectations jokes and hilarious great expectations puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about great expectations that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Great Expectations Short Jokes
Short great expectations jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The great expectations humour may include short expectations jokes also.
- I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value. Beach better have my money
- I had high expectations for doing great things in 2020. Instead I'm stuck at home jacking off and playing Nintendo. The old 'bate and Switch.
- It's a great time to date a Rams fan.. They are used to disappointment and aren't expecting a ring.
- I was reading the book "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. It wasn't as good as I hoped it would be.
- Hello and welcome to Pessimism club. Don't expect much, and you'll still be greatly disappointed.
- I just started watching Great Expectations on Hulu. It's not as good as I was hoping it would be.
- You go your whole life making a great pumpernickel dip, and then BAM, one day you get 20 people asking for the recipe. Nobody expects the spinach inquisition.
- Given what's going on in the world, I don't have Great Expectations. I got the other Dickens' books though.
- I read Great Expectations the other day. It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.
- I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.
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Great Expectations One Liners
Which great expectations one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with great expectations? I can suggest the ones about bright future and hopes.
- Yeah Tinder is great and all But have you ever tried to match your own expectations?
- I don't have Great Expectations for my son. But I got him the other 13 Dicken's Books.
- I just finished reading Great Expectations. It wasn't all I hoped it would be.
- I've recently read Great Expectations It wasn't as good as I thought it'd be
- I've read all of Charles Dickens's novels except one. I don't have *Great Expectations*.
- Great Expectations is on TV now I thought it would be better
Great Expectations Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about great expectations you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean american dream jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make great expectations pranks.
"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end.
"
"People who go out of their way to help others have great taste."
"An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry."
"Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue."
"A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble."
"The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew."
"It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea."
"You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried."
"If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon."
"Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner."
"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."
I just finished 'Great Expectations'...
*...It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.*
An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night...
Vet Friend of mine just sent this:
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The best salesman in the world
The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.
On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one customer. The director was disappointed with the boy and said he already had sellers today who had done much better than him. The manager asked the boy how much the sale was worth, and the boy answered "$93,100.25". The manager was very confused and asked the boy what he had sold.
The boy: "I started off with a $0.25 fish hook which got him looking at the fishing poles. I set him up with the $100 bait master and asked him where he was gonna fish, I told him about that great lake down south but told him he'd need a car with all wheel drive to make it up the rough terrain so we got him into the $33,000 SUV we had on the lot, when he asked about boat rentals I thought I had lost him, but I ended up selling him the $60,000 riverking pro to top it off."
The manager steps back in disbelief and says "Wow, you sold that all to a guy who came in for a fish hook?
"No" the boy said "The customer came in and told he had to buy tampons for his wife. I simply told him the weekend was already wrecked so he might as well go on a fishing trip"
Skip a Day
During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
A man comes home really really drunk....
...clenching a bouquet of flowers.
He goes to the bedroom, turns on the light and in a slurry voice he says:
"Here ya go honey, these are for you.."
To which his wife angrily replies; "Oh well that's great, I guess now you expect me to spread my legs?"
The man looks at the bouquet, then back at his wife and says:
"Why, you don't have a vase?"
Roger and Jenny on their wedding night . . .
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?'
Adam was feeling lonely...
so God created all of the animals to be his companions.
"God," Adam said, "These animals are great and all, but none of them seem like truly great companions for me."
"Well, Adam, I think I know exactly what you need. Tonight, I will create a Woman for you."
"A Woman? What's that?"
"Well, I'm sure she'll be the perfect companion for you. Women are extremely kind, moreso than the most loving animals. They are beautiful, even more than the most colorful birds."
At this point, Adam was convinced. "Well, what's stopping you? This woman sounds great!"
"Well," said God, "There's a bit of a cost issue. To make a woman, I'll need some of your body."
"Oh. Well, I guess it's to be expected no great thing is free...what'll it cost me?"
"An arm and a leg."
Adam thought long and hard about this, and eventually replied, "That's rather expensive. What can I get for a rib?"
A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop.
A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. "Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers." The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?" The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air." "Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"
A man gets married and decides to set some ground rules..
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride thought for a minute and replied, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
A rite of passage
Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the c**... breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'
A Chinese General dies in battle...
And ascends to the afterlife. There The General meets the Gatekeeper of Heaven, who needs to test him to prove that he's worthy of passing on.
The Gatekeeper, without looking up from his ledger, says "I'm gonna need to know who you were and what you did in life."
The General was taken aback. "Why, I was revered across the land as a great warrior and leader of the people! I was known as the Saint of War, and some even referred to me as a god!"
The Gatekeeper looks up and studies the General for a bit, before finally saying. "Oh yeah, you were the one we were expecting. Guan, Yu."
A rite of passage. [Dadjoke alert]
Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the c**... breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'
man and woman relationship
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
A woman is in bed with a man she shouldn't be with
Her husband is away on a business trip. Suddenly she hears the sound of the front door opening, her husband is back earlier than she expected.
"Quick! Hide in the bathroom!", she says to the man in her bed, he scampers off quickly.
The husband walks into the bedroom and sees his wife n**.... Thinking on her feet she says "You must have had a long journey, come to bed and make love to me."
"That sounds great, I'll just have a quick shower, let me pop to the bathroom."
He opens the door and is confronted with a man, barefoot to the neck, looking into the distance, clapping with his arms outstretched.
The husband asks "Who are you?"
"From the council", the man replied, "your wife phoned us up and said you had a moth problem"
"But you're not wearing any clothes?!"
The man suddenly looked down at his n**... body and looking shocked he exclaimed: "The b**...!"
Rabinowitz: Whatcha reading?
Rabinowitz: Whatcha reading?
Topper: Great Expectations.
Rabinowitz: Is it any good?
Topper: Its not all I hoped for.
Hot Shots Part Deux.
Best joke in the movie.
The magician then performed a hat trick.
Nobody had expected him to be that great a bowler though.
Typical macho man...
...married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "Nope, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night...... whether you're here or not."
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
ypical macho man married typical good-looking lady
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.
It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?
What did the North Korean coach say to the figure skater before her competition?
We expect great execution.
What did the coach say after a poor performance?
We expect great execution.
A wealthy art collector got a call from his lawyer...
Lawyer: I have good news and bad news.
Art Collector: I've had a bad day, so lets start with the good news.
Lawyer: Well, your wife has invested a couple hundred dollars in a a few pictures that she expects to get a couple million for.
Art Collector: That's great! What's the bad news?
Lawyer: Well, the pictures are of you and your secretary.
My h**...-addicted friend
I used to have a great friend. As we grew older, he started doing h**.... Of course, this affected him pretty strongly. Eventually, he even started calling the injection his "God". Weird, I know, but that's just how he was.
Sadly, he passed away recently, although I guess that was to be expected. After all, thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vein.
More people would read books if publishers just added the phrase "In My Pants" to the end of every title.
War of the Worlds in My Pants
The Two Towers in My Pants
Great Expectations in My Pants
To Kill a Mockingbird in My Pants
Rising Strong in My Pants
True Rosh Hashanah story
This is an actual conversation between my non-Jewish friend and his Jewish wife many years ago, before his first time going to High Holiday services:
Husband: So, can you tell me what to expect at Rosh Hashanah services?
Wife: It's a great ceremony. The best part is when they blow the shofar!
H: I'll drive.
Probably 30 years later and it still makes me laugh. And they're still together.
A lesson from my life as a monk
I learned a lot during my years at the monastery. One thing I still remember is that our vow of poverty meant that we were expected to go to great lengths to look after our one robe, including mending and from time to time dying them to their regulation dark hue.
One thing that surprised me was how rough and scratchy the dye made the material over many years.
Old habits dye hard.
My buddy and I have been working at this company for several years
We thought everything was going great. Numbers were up, sales were soaring! But one day our boss announced that the entire company was being bought out by some company in Spain.
What?! I exclaimed to my friend. This is so out of the blue! Never in a million years could I have seen this coming.
My friend shook his head and looked at me sideways. Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition, he sighed.
Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
Naming the kids
A guy named Jay walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's your wife doing?" the bartender asks. "She's doing great. The doctor says the pregnancy is going well and we can expect two healthy twin girls," Jay replies. "I'd really like to name them after myself, but can't decide on the names." "How about Kay and Elle?" the bartender replies.