Graveyard Jokes

What are some Graveyard jokes?

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"

I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

And you never saw anyone run so fast.

A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.

'Morning' the walker shouted. 'No, just having a shit' the man replied.

why do they put gates around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.




(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

What's the difference between a toilet and a graveyard?

Nothing. When you have to go, you have to go.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.


The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!" 


The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"


Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.

Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!" 

"Do you see that tree right there?"

"Yes"

"Well, I didn't"

The day after Beethoven's funeral

The day after Beethoven's funeral, at midnight, a drunken man, having just left the bar, went into the graveyard, where he heard a strange sound. Looking for the source of the mysterious sound, he discovered it was coming from Beethoven's grave. Alarmed, he called his friends, and found they could hear the sound too (even the sober ones).

Soon, a crowd was forming at the graveyard. The mayor, who was very familiar with classical music, recognized the sound as Beethoven's 9th Symphony played backwards. When it ended, Beethoven's 8th Symphony started playing, also backwards, and then the 7th, and then the 6th, and so forth. At dawn, having reached a conclusion, the mayor said to the gathering crowd:

"There's nothing to fear, gentlemen. He's just decomposing."

Graveyard shortcut

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard.

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.

Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"

The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."

Newsflash! A small, 2-seat aircraft crashed in a graveyard in Poland.

Rescuers have found 115 dead so far and expect to find hundreds more as they continue digging.

I was walking through a graveyard this morning and saw a man squatting by a tombstone.

I shouted "Morning!"

He replied "No, just pooping."

A man walks into a graveyard bar

"Can I get a beer?" he asks as he walks up to the bar.

"I'm sorry," replies the bartender. "We serve only spirits."

Why was the graveyard so noisy?

Because of all the coffin.

Why do graveyards have fences?

People are dying to get in.

A man walks into a graveyard..

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. What's going on? he asks a cemetery worker.

It's Beethoven, says the worker. He's decomposing.

Plane crashed in graveyard

Police recovered 2000 bodies.

The hippy and the nun

A hippy gets on the bus. When he sees a nun he likes, he walks up to her and says "Wanna have sex with me?" The nun replies "Heavens no!" and runs off the bus. When the hippy gets off the bus at the next stop, the bus driver says "See that grave over there? That nun goes over there every night at 8:30. If you dress up as a ghost, then she will have no option, other than to have sex with you". The hippy nods and gets off the bus.

At 8:30, the hippy goes to to the graveyard, dressed as a ghost, and hides behind the grave. The nun then comes, and starts praying. Then, th hippy stands up and says "I command you to have sex with me!" The nun replies "Oh.. Ok then.. But I have an oath of virginity, so it will have to be from err.. Behind." They then go back to the hippies apartment.

Afterwards, the hippy runs away going "Haha I am the hippy!", and the nun runs away going "Haha I am the bus driver!"

A powerful tornado tore through our town last night. So far, eight bodies have been found.

Plot twister. It only damaged the graveyard.

A helicopter crashes in a graveyard...

the police recovered 300 bodies.

What do you call graveyard shenanigans?

Tombfoolery.

Graverobbers

These two men liked to dig up graves and collect the items deceased were burried with. They mostly dug up famous people, and took items like jewelry and other valuable items.

One day they decided to go to a graveyard in london. Their they found Mozarts grave. They spent hours digging up the grave, and when the finaly got to the coffin and opened it there was a man sitting their erasing things in this large book. So the graverobbers asked him, "Uhhh, What are you doing?"

He then replied, "De-composing."

What's the difference between Tinder and a graveyard?

I'm never had sex with someone I've met on Tinder.

I was walking through a graveyard in Europe...

When I heard some strange music coming from one of the graves. Turns out, it was coming from Beethoven's grave. I took out my phone and recorded it, then took it to a friend of mine to identify.

"This is really strange...", he said. "This sounds like one of Beethoven's Symphonies, but it's backwards."

"Well, that makes sense", I said. "He's decomposing."

It's true I misunderstood what you meant by "take me to the bone zone"

but you must admit this is a very nice graveyard.

I recently had to bury my beloved grandmother in the local graveyard.

She should be dead by now

Standing in a graveyard, Lex Luthor and his subordinate are planning Superman's demise

Lex: This is the night I bury Superman!

Henchman: You've finally figured out his weakness?

Lex: Yes, this evening, I'll lure him into this tomb and he'll be incapacitated!

Henchman: How does that work?

Lex: It's his crypt-tonight.

I've always had a thing for the girl next door types, I like my ladies to be earthy, deep and quiet.

It's great that I live next door to a graveyard.

Why do graveyards have big walls around them?

Because everybody's dying to get in

I asked my grandfather what it's like in a graveyard

He said he wasn't sure but it must be good, as last he heard everyone he knew was dying to get in there.

So a man was walking through a graveyard...

When he began hearing music coming from one of the graves. So he followed the sound and ended up at Beethoven's grave. Then he recognized the music, it was Beethoven's 9th but it was playing backwards! So the man called up his friend to come check it out and when the friend arrived Beethoven's 7th was playing, backwards as well. They called the caretaker and he arrived as Beethoven's 5th was playing and even he could not figure it out! They called doctors scientists and nobody could explain what was happening. Finally the music teacher arrived just as Beethoven's first was about to end and the crowd of people asked him what was happening. "That's easy!" The musician replied. "He's decomposing!"

We were driving past the graveyard and my dad asks:

"Do you know why I can't be buried there?"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not dead yet, Son."

How many bones are there in a graveyard?

A skeleTON.

I'm always trying to make jokes at my work place...

But in a graveyard, everyone is dead serious

Beethoven

Beethoven dies and is buried. A few days after his burial the locals notice strange
music coming from the burial site. Alarmed, the villagers get the local priest and head
down to the graveyard. And sure enough the sound was coming from Beethoven's grave.
The locals watch as the priest places the side of his head onto the ground.
Deep in concentration he mutters: "Fifth symphony......fourth symphony....third...aha! Beethoven is decomposing!"

Did you hear about the two-seater plane that crashed into the graveyard?

Over 50 bodies have been recovered. Which is odd, considering its a two seater plane.

Have you ever been to an arctic graveyard?

It's chilling...

A man is walking in a graveyard

when he hears the Third Symphony playing backwards.
When it's over the Second Sympnony also starts playing backward.

"What's going on ?" he asks the cemetry worker.

"It's Beethoven" says the worker "he is decomposing"

Why do graveyards have fences?

Cause everyone's dying to get in!

TIL Gerry Rafferty of Stealers Wheel is buried in the same graveyard as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger.

He has a clown to the left of him and a joker to the right.

Ludwig van Beethoven

A music scholar was touring through a graveyard in Vienna when he heard music coming out of a grave. On inspection, he found the headstone as Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The music was the Ninth Symphony being played backwards. He soon rang up a friend who came in time to hear the Seventh Symphony being played backwards. They hurried to call an expert who hurried to them to hear the Fifth Symphony playing backwards. All the more weird was the fact that symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. When the caretaker of the graveyard heard this, the only comment he made was, "What's the wonder! He's just decomposing!"

What happens once a year and only at a graveyard?

Mother's Day for Disney characters.

A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning.

A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning when he sees an elderly man crouched by a gravestone. Not wishing to appear rude the dog-walker greets the elderly man with a cheery:

"Morning!"

The elderly man replies:

"Oh no, just taking a dump."

Two old ladys meeting at the graveyard

Two old ladys meeting at the graveyard.
As one of the old ladys starts to put on some makeup the other one asks:
'May I ask how old you are?'
'76'
'Why are you using makeup then?'
'May I ask how old YOU are?'
'I am 90 years old'
'Why are you even going home?'

A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard

A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard when he heard someone sobbing. He turned down a row of headstones to see a man kneeling in front of a grave and wailing.

"How could you do this to me?! ?" He cried. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, every second is agony! Why didn't you say anything?!" he paused when he noticed he wasn't alone.

"I'm sorry for your loss." the groundskeeper said awkwardly. "You must miss your wife terribly."

"My wife?" The kneeling man said through his tears.

"This grave belongs to her first husband!"

A man was taking his dog for a walk one early morning

As he walked through a graveyard to get back home, he saw a man crouching by a grave.
"Morning!" says the man with the dog.
The second man replies "Nope, just having a poo."

Did you hear about helicopter that crashed into that graveyard?

Police have so far recovered 54 bodies

My dad uses to tell this joke alot

There was once a man named Odd. He was very embarresed by his name and didn't want anyone to know about it. When he died he had no name written on his gravestone.

One day a bunch of tourists came to his town and visited the graveyard where they came across a gravestone with no name on it.

"That's Odd!" He said

Shortcut through a graveyard.

There was a man walking home from a bar late one night. As usual he took a shortcut through a graveyard. Since it was especially foggy that night he didn't see a freshly dug grave and fell headlong into the pit. He tried for over 20 min to climb out but couldn't manage to escape. As he sat there pondering his options he was startled when someone else, apparently also using the same shortcut, fell in the grave. He sat unnoticed in the corner and watched the man try to climb out. Hoping to save the man some trouble he said "you're not gonna be able to get out". He was wrong.

If you have sex on Halloween, is it a monster mash or a graveyard smash?

Well it's only a graveyard smash if she's had a abortion

Renewing public sector is like moving a graveyard.

You won't get much help from those already there.

It's your grave. Have fun with it!

Before I die, I'll have 3 graves made for me.

Suppose you're walking in the graveyard, then this is what you'll see -

1st stone - Hey what's up?

You feel awkward and move to the next one that says -

2nd stone - Remember me? I'm the same guy from the last grave. The next one is also mine!

You think that this is messed up but you move to the next grave which just blows your mind. It says

3rd stone - Now I have a question for you. WHICH ONE OF THESE HAS MY BODY ?

A helicopter crashed on a graveyard

Reports says over 500 dead.

How do you get honey from a graveyard?

From a zombee!






I'll see myself out

I was walking my dog through a graveyard at dawn

I saw someone crouching by a headstone. I greeted them: 'Morning!'

They replied 'Nope, just having a shit.'

What do you call it when you bang a vampire?

A graveyard smash!

A training plane with 4 people crashes

into a graveyard. 79 victims were found dead in the first hour of search and rescue. Authorities fear that the number may rise.

As my old Grandad was so fond of saying , "When you're in a hole stop digging"

It cost him his job in the graveyard , though.

Guy sitting in a graveyard

A man works at a graveyard, but he still gets the chills when he is around gravestones. The grave keeper passes by the graveyard one day and sees a man just sitting next to a couple of gravestones. He walks up to the man and asks him, Aren't you scared in this place?"

The man looks at him and smiles, Scared? Not really, I'm just glad to be out of that hole."

Where are graveyards located?

In the dead center of town.

Why are there fences around them?
Because everyone is just dying to get in.

People ask me why I like the graveyard so much.

I dig the graves.

Why can't you cut a graveyard exactly in half?

Because it's a-cemetery

What do you call a Graveyard built on sandstone?

A sedimentary.

Police baffed by grave robber

Local police were having a hard time catching a grave robber. He figured he would minimize his time in the graveyard by taking the whole corpse so he could take fillings out at his leisure. To hide the evidence he was adopting out the skeletons to worthy goths on Craig's List.

Turns out that was a dead give away.

Ireland has suffered its worst aviation disaster in history after a 2 seat Cessna crashed in a graveyard this evening...

Irish Search and Rescue say they have recovered 835 bodies so far and expect to find far more as digging continues throughout the night.

I tried to use the bury a dog above a body trick

the graveyard employee didnt let me

Did you know that your local graveyard doesn't allow anyone who lives where you are to be buried there....

....As they need to be dead first

A 2 man plane crashes into a graveyard...

so far they've found hundreds of bodies

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man."

"How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

What do you call a 2000 pound orgy in a church graveyard?

A Sexton.

Did you know that graveyards are the most popular places in the world?

People are just dying to get there.

Mozart

So the year is 1791, and Mozart has just died. It's a big deal in Vienna, everyone is sad blah blah blah blah. A few days after he is buried, someone is walking through the graveyard and hears a strange noise. Intrigued by the noise he follows it until it gets louder, louder, and finally he finds himself standing above Mozart's grave. Naturally this is a matter of curiosity in Vienna, and soon people from all over come to hear this strange sound coming from Mozart's grave. No one can identify the noise coming from the grave, so finally they bring in an expert on Mozart's music to see if he can identify it. After listening for a few minutes, the expert says "Well this is Mozart's 6th symphony, but it's playing backwards." He listens a bit longer and he hears Mozart's 5th symphony, 4th symphony, 3rd, 2nd, 1st but all being played backwards. The people of Vienna ask the expert how this strange music can be coming from the grave. "It's no big deal" he answers. "Mozart is just *decomposing*."

How to make Graveyard jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Graveyard to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Graveyard? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Graveyard pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes