Granted Jokes

What are some Granted jokes?

Genie: Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

A conversation with a genie

Genie: What is your first wish?

Steve: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. Second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

Well, OJ has been paroled.

The spokesperson for the parole board that granted him his new freedom said they "decided to give him another stab at it."

No actually I am not single

I am taken










For granted

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead lost in the desert...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.

He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."

The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said "I would like a million dollars."

The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.

Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

My cat freaked out when I told him he was adopted.

Granted, I spelled it out on the floor with a laser pointer.

Blonde genies

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.

Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.

It's the two blonde genies!

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...

She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.

Three guys are stranded on a desert island

Suddenly a good fairy appears and tells them: "I will grant each of you one wish".

The first guy says: "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, I just want to be home." His wish is granted.

The second guy says: "I've always wanted to see the world so I wish to be in Paris." His wish is granted.

The third guy says: "Oh man, now I'm all alone :(.
I wish the two other guys back!"

They should make another Taken movie about Liam Neeson being underappreciated for keeping his family safe

It should be called Taken 4: Granted

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes

However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.

**Genie:** What is your first wish?

**Man:** I want a million dollars.

**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.

**Genie:** What is your second wish?

**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.

**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.

**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?

**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a 12-inch lighter

Guy 1 asks: *"That is a big lighter you got there! Where did ya get it?"*

Guy 2 says: *"I rubbed this lamp right here, and a genie granted me a wish"*

Guy 1 goes: *"Cool, let me see it!"*

He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. The genie tells him he can only have one wish.

Guys 1 wishes: *"I wish for a million bucks!"*

So the genie snaps his fingers and a few seconds later, thousands upon thousands of ducks come swarming into the bar.

Guys 1 says: *"What is this?! I said a million bucks not a million ducks!"*

Guys 2 says: *"Did you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"*

Obama walks into a bar, but he's invisible.

The bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"
Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."
For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.
For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too.
And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

Three prisoners

There men are sentenced to 10 years in prison. However, the judge has allowed them an unlimited supply of whatever they want, within reason. The first man requests any meals he wants, it is granted. The second man requests any drinks he wants, it is granted. The third man requests any cigarettes he wants, and it is granted.

Ten years later, the prisoners are released. The first man is let out of his cell, much fatter than before.

The second man is released... stumbles three steps, and falls over.

The third man is released from his cell, walks out, and asks "does anyone have a lighter?"

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes.

However any of his wishes that are granted will also come true for all the
politicians in the world times two.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Man: I want a million dollars.

Genie: You now have a million dollars and all the world's politicians now
receive two million. What is your second wish?

Man: I want a new Mercedes.

Genie: You now have a new Mercedes and all the world's politicians now receive
two of them. What is your third and final wish?

Man: I want to donate a kidney.

They should make another Taken film about how unappreciative Neesons' family is for saving them every other day

Taken 4: Granted.

So rabbit and bear were walking through the forest...

...when they meet a fairy. She grants both of them three wishes.
Bear says without thinking: "I wish all lady bears in this forest had a crush on me!"
Rabbit wishes himself a motorcycle helmet, and both wishes are immediately granted. Next, bear thinks a bit and then says: "I wish all lady bears in the whole world had a crush on me!"
Rabbit wishes himself a motorcycle, and both wishes are granted.
Now bear thinks a quite a while and then shouts: "I wish all bears on this world were lady bears!"
Rabbit puts on his helmet, gets on the motorcycle, starts the motor and says over his shoulder: "I wish bear was gay!"

In the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean...

...two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn.
I hate being a prawn, says Justin. I wish I were a shark. Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears.
Your wish is granted, he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark.
Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out:
It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed… I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."

So god asked 3 guys...

Three men die and end up meeting god.

God greets each of them personally and says their hellos. God then asks each one of them an important question.

"Each of you must choose one thing to have in a room for a thousand years. Choose wisely."

God asks the first man..."I want all the booze I can have god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the second man..."I want all the women in the world god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the third man..."I want all the weed in the world!" His wish is granted.

1000 years go by.

The first man stumbles out falling left and right with a giant bottle of beer in his hand.

The second man comes out looking exhausted yet satisfied.

The third man is curled in the fetal position in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. God comes over to him and asks him what's wrong.

"Can I have a light."

Genie: What is your first wish?

Me: I want to be rich!

Genie: Granted. And what would your second wish be?

Rich: I want a whole lot of money..

Irishman granted three wishes

An Irishman, stranded on a desert island finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out, and tells the Irishman he will grant three wishes.

Irishman: "My first wish is that all of my friends and family back home will live happy lives."

Genie: "Granted, what is your second wish?"

Irishman: "My second wish is for a pint of Guinness that refills itself every time it is emptied."

Genie: "Granted, what is your third wish?"

The Irishman takes a sip of the Guinness, smiles, and says to the Genie "I'll have another one of these!"

Three Army Lieutenants have to cross a river for infantry training.

The first one prays to God and says "Lord give me the strength to cross this river." There is a flash of light and he is granted stronger arms to swim.

The second one says "Lord give me the endurance to cross this river." Another flash of light and he is granted strong lungs to help him swim.

The third one says "Lord, remove this obstacle from my path." There is a flash of light and the young lieutenant turns into a woman. Crossing a Water Obstacle is no longer part of her test and she is applauded by the media for being so strong and independent. She has a loyal group of male followers who dote on her every day and she lives happily ever after.

The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.


It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...

ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen

Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?

ABC: That's a granted.

Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?

ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?

Timmy: Are meals subsidized?

ABC: You BET.

Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?

ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.

Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?

ABC: Yes. Absolutely.

Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?


After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.

To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.

An old lady received 3 wishes...

An old lady sat on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.

Well, now, said the old lady, I guess I would like to be really rich.
*POOF* Her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.
*POOF* She turned into a beautiful young woman.


Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them. Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince? she asked.
*POOF*

And there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could have possibly imagined. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear,

Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.

A bear and a rabbit

So a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods one day. Just as the bear was about to get the rabbit, they stumble over a lamp, and a genie pops out.

They genie tells them that since they both found him, they both get three wishes. He asks the bear for his first wish.



"I want to be the most handsome bear in the world." The genie nods his head, and the wish was granted. He turns to the rabbit.

"I would like a helmet." The genie nods, and a small rabbit-sized helmet appears on his head.

"I wish that only the most beautiful women bears lived in these woods.", said the bear, and with a nod of the genie's head, it was granted.

"I would like a motorcycle." says the rabbit, and a rabbit-sized motor cycle appears next to him.

"For my final wish, I wish that there were no other male bears for hundred of miles of here." said the bear, smiling with the genius of his plan. The genie nods, the wish is granted, and he looks at the rabbit one last time.

The rabbit hopped on his motorcycle, revved the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay." and drove off.

A genie appears in front of a middle-aged wife at home.

"I can grant you one wish," the genie says.

"Well," the woman said thoughtfully, "My husband hasn't been fun in bed for a while... I want you to turn my old cat into a manly friend!" She points at an old, fat cat resting lazily on the couch.

"Granted," the genie says as he disappears, and the cat transforms into a handsome, muscular Brad Pitt clone.

The woman jumps into his arms. "Any words before we make sweet love?"

"Yes," says the man. "I bet you wish you hadn't neutered me."

Old Lady and the Fairy Godmother

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really, really rich. *POOF* Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess. *POOF* She turns into a beautiful young woman.

Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh… can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks. *POOF* There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!

A Man meets a Genie, Is granted 1 wish.

A young man is going about his regular day when a genie stops him and grants him one wish.

The man stops to think about it for a minute, then says, okay i got one.
He tells the Genie for his wish he wants to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Sydney so he could drive whenever he wants.

The Genie immediately said no, its not possible. The Pacific is just too deep, their are currents, the bridge will never hold up. Its impossible, wish for something else.

A little upset that he can't have his bridge the man comes up with another wish. He asks the Genie to understand how a women's mind works.

The genie replied, do you want the bridge to be 2 lanes or 4 lanes?

The condemned prisoner stood before the firing squad.

The jail warden told him that as per custom, he was to be granted one final request, provided it was something straightforward and easily manageable.

The prisoner explained that he loved singing and requested to sing his favourite childhood song to completion.

The warden motioned to the firing squad to hold their fire until the song was completed.

The prisoner held his head up high and started to sing - "A billion bottles of beer on the wall, a billion bottles of beer..."

A genie granted a man one wish for a great deed he had done...

He explained that it could be anything the man desired, for the powerful genie was capable of anything. The man thought for a bit, and said "Build me a highway from here to Europe." The genie was surprised, he explained that a highway to europe wouldn't be a great way of transportation and how it would be very difficult to build. "Im sorry, its just way too difficult. But anything elso in the world, my friend. Anything at all." The man thought again, and said "alright. Tell me why women act and think the way they do. " The genie looked up at him and replied "How many lanes? "

The Giant Cigarette Lighter

A guy walks into a bar and sits beside another guy and immediately notices he has a giant cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow! That's a huge lighter! Where'd you get it?" The other guy replies, "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Cool! Can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and a genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy replies excitedly, "I want a million bucks!"

"Your wish is granted." And the genie disappears.

A few minutes pass and then suddenly the bar door swings open and in pour ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks fall over each other and fill up the bar.

"I can't believe this!" says the guy who just made his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy responds, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

A Genie grants a young man 3 wishes

A young man stumbles upon a genie one day. The genie agrees to give the man 3 wishes. "I want to get many women", says the man. "I want to be extremely wealthy", continues the man. " I want-", he is cut off by the genie. "You are one of the most selfish people I have granted wishes for, young man. If I were you, I would use your last wish for something for others.", says the genie. "Fine then. For my last wish, I wish that Black people would be more successful.", says the man. "All 3 of your wishes are granted." says the genie. And that is the story of the last time Mitt Romney listened to anybody.

A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

A Jewish cook went to the Vatican and insisted on seeing the Pope.

After a long wait the Pope granted him an audience and asked the cook what could he do for him.

The Jew said that he was a cook, before him his father was a cook, his grandfather was a cook, his great grandfather was a cook, and that he comes from a family of cooks that goes back to over 2000 years....

The Pope congratulated him and asked him again, what could he do for him?

The Jew said: "Well, the bill for the last supper has still not been paid.... "

Never take a cows job for granted:

It's outstanding in its field.

The Magic Mirror

This is a rumour that a magic mirror resides in New York City. Anyone who can tell the truth in front of it is granted 3 wishes of their choosing. Anyone who tells a lie is exploded.

3 girls, a blonde, a redhead and a brunette find the mirror and try to claim their wishes.

"I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world!" says the brunette.

She explodes on the spot.

"I think I'm the smartest girl in the world!" says the redhead.

She explodes on the spot.

"I think-" says the blonde.

She explodes on the spot.

A man is granted three wishes.

The Genie tells him that whatever he wishes for, his wife will receive 2x of.

The man's first wish is $3B, so his ex-wife gets $6B.

The man's second wish is a mansion, so his ex-wife gets two mansions.

For the man's third and final wish, he tells the Genie "Here's a baseball bat, beat me half to death."

A mexican guy, a black guy, and a white guy are all walking down a beach when they find a magic lamp...

So they rubbed it and a genie pops out, tells them they get 1 wish each.

The mexican guy goes 1st and says: "I wish that my homeland is rid of all hardships so all my people in the USA can move peacefully back to Mexico." and poof! The wish is granted.

The black guy goes next and says: "I wish that my homeland is rid of all hardships so all my people in the USA can move peacefully back to Africa." and poof! The wish is granted.

Last up is the white guy, he asks the genie: "with their wishes, all the Mexicans and blacks are back to their home lands?" The genie replies: "yes, they all are."

The white guy then says: "I'll have a coke please."

A bus full of ugly people crashes.

A bus containing only ugly people crashes violently, and all of the unfortunate passengers die. Finding themselves in Heaven, they see St Peter approaching them with the keys to the Pearly Gates.
He announces, "Since all of you were died so horribly, and none of you sinned terribly, you are each granted one wish as you go into Heaven."
The first person thinks for a second, and then decides, "I want to be gorgeous!"
Seeing the person immediately become so, the second person wishes the same thing, and so on.
After a while, the man in the back suddenly bursts out in laughter. As St Peter nears the end of the line, the man's laughter becomes more hysterical and harder to control.
When St Peter finally reached the end of the line, the man, now in tears, said, "Make 'em all ugly again."

There's a legend about a bar in NYC

This bar has a magic mirror. Whenever someone tells the mirror a true fact about them self, they are granted a wish. Whenever someone tells a lie to the mirror, they are sucked into it to never be seen again. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into the bar.

The brunette walks up to the mirror and says "I think I am the smartest girl in this bar" and is sucked in.

The redhead says "I think I am the prettiest girl in this bar" and is sucked in.

The blonde says "I think..." and gets sucked in.

I'm getting really sick of all the Holocaust jokes...

My great grandfather died at Auschwitz, so I find these jokes really offensive. Granted, he fell out of a guard tower and broke his neck, but I think that still counts.

Bear and rabbit get wishes

Bear and rabbit were just walking through the forest, as a fairy apearred. it granted both 3 wishes.
bears first wish was, to make every bear girl in this forest like only him. the rabbit on the other hand just wanted a very fast harley.
second wish from bear was that every bear girl on the whole planet should only like him. the rabbit wanted a helmet with ear holes.
as for the last wish the bear wanted every bear on earth to be female and to like him.
the rabbit had other plans though. he had put on his helmet, sat on his bike, started the engine and yelled as he was driving away: "I want the bear to be gay!".

The ladder to success

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

A white guy, a mexican, and a black guy find a genie

A white guy, a mexican, and a black guy find a genie in a bottle. The genie asks each of them what they wish for. The mexican says, "My wish is for all my mexicans in America to be back in Mexico, drinking beer on the beach!" Poof, his wish is granted. The black guy says, "my wish is for my fellow Africans living in America to all be transported back to Africa where we can be happy and safe!" Poof, his wish is also granted. The genie turns to the white guy and asks him what his wish is. "Well, you mean to tell me all the mexicans and black are out of America? I guess I"ll take a Pepsi then."

Finest whisky! NSFW (Long)

Paddy finds bottle on beach. Rubs it and Genie appears and offers him one wish. "I'd like to pee the finest Irish whisky," says Paddy.

"Granted!", says the Genie. Paddy pees in a cup, tastes it and is taken aback. "This is the finest whisky I've ever tasted." He rushes home, tells his wife (who is a bit dubious at first -- but when he finally tries a sip, she agrees that it's the best whisky she's ever tasted.) They spend the night sipping the limitless supply of free whisky.

Next night Paddy comes home from work and his wife tells him she has two large glasses ready on the kitchen table. "We'll only need one," says Paddy. "You're drinking straight from the bottle tonight!"

An Irishman, American, and an Italian Get Captured By Cannibals, and are granted each a last wish.

American asks for a Beer, get his beer drinks it they kill him, eat him turn his skin into a canoe.
Italian asks for a Pizza, gets his pizza eats it and also gets eaten and turned into a canoe.
Irishman asks for a fork. Bewildered as they never had this request before gladly provided this mans last wish. As he get his fork he starts to stab himself all over screaming at the top of his lungs "You'll not make a boat out of me!"

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Dave stumbles upon an oil lamp

Dave then picks up the lamp and begins to rub some of the dust off of it. Then out of nowhere a genie comes flying out of it. Dave is ecstatic and cannot believe his luck. The genie then begins to talk to him:
Genie: Dave, you have released me from my lamp, I shall now grant you three wishes.
Dave: I wish to find the woman of my dreams.
Genie: You wish has been granted.
A woman then appeared next to Dave.
Genie: You have two more wishes.
Dave: I want to be rich.
Genie: Your wish has been granted.
Rich: Actually, I would like to have a lot of money.

A man finds a magic lamp while walking.

He rubs it and out pops a Genie.

Genie - *"You have three wishes but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for your wife gets double"*

Man - *"Okay great, for my first wish I want a 50 room mansion on a 100 acres of land"*

Genie - *"Granted, your wife gets a 100 room mansion on 200 acres"*

Man - *"For my second wish I wish for one Billion dollars"*

Genie - *"Granted, but remember, your wife gets two Billion"*

Man - *"That's perfect, for my last wish, take that stick over there and beat me half to death with it..."*

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered...

...that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan. Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing. Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens. On his way back with a truckload of the tiny birds, he accidentally struck a cougar in the road. Unfortunately for him, it was (at the time) the state animal, and harming one was a felony.

The poor guy was charged with transporting young gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.

Two soldiers are held captive by the Taliban

They are told that they are going to be executed the next day. "We are not without compassion" says one of the captors. "We will allow you each one last wish." The first soldier says he has always been the biggest fan of Bryan Adams, and he would like to hear the song 'Everything I do I do it for you' one last time. After telling him that his wish would be granted, the Taliban captor turns to the second soldier and asks what his wish is. He thinks for a minute and says "shoot me first".

Exececution by a firing squad

A guy is about to get executed by a firing squad.
He is granted with 1 last wish.
"a sigaret please" he says
"And fire".

A man with a giant pumpkin for a head walks up to his friend...

The friend says, My God! What happened to your head!?

Well, says the man, I found a genie in lamp who granted me three wishes.

What did you wish for? says the friend.

For the first one I wished for a hundred million dollars, and I got it!

And the second?

For the second wish I asked for the most beautiful woman in the world, says the man, and I got her too.

The third wish?

The third wish is where I really messed up... says the man.

What went wrong?! says the friend.

Well, says the man, I wished for a giant pumpkin head!

How to make Granted jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Granted to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Granted? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Granted pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes