Grant Jokes
116 grant jokes and hilarious grant puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grant that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for some laughs about grant writing? This article has them! Read about funny stories and jokes related to grant writing, name Grants, scholarship approvals, and more! Discover why grant writing and permissions can be funny and lighten up your day!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Grant Short Jokes
Short grant jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grant humour may include short permission jokes also.
- Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes Me: I wish for a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
Me: But you said 3
Genie: Sue me. - Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money. - I met a magical genie once. He gave me one wish. I said "I wish I could be you" The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
- A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said I just want to be happy . So now I'm living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?'Whistle while you work…….' ?
- Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more I asked for 120/80 blood pressure
- Well, OJ has been paroled. The spokesperson for the parole board that granted him his new freedom said they "decided to give him another stab at it."
- Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...
- What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and an Elephant? A letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and a withdrawl of your grant money.
- Genie: I will grant you one wish. Me: I wish for more wishes.
Genie: That wish, I cannot grant.
Me: I wish you'd reconsider. - A girl once said about me "He's the one!" Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
Share These Grant Jokes With Friends
Grant One Liners
Which grant one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grant? I can suggest the ones about award and gift.
- No actually I am not single I am taken
For granted - Why should you pay scientists with $50 bills? They're always looking for Grant money.
- Never take a cows job for granted: It's outstanding in its field.
- Her: Do you really hate every hugh grant movie? Me: No, I love Love Actually actually.
- The slogan of a televangelist "God will grant you all the money I need"
- Dads are like genies See them once, they grant a few wishes, then they're gone forever
- Finally a Taken movie that shows how under appreciated Liam is.. Taken 4: Granted
- What do you call a supernatural being that only grants wishes to men? A miso-genie!
- Which president was famous for his long pauses? Ellipsis S. Grant.
- People take so much for granted. Like punchlines.
- What do you call a car that grants wishes A Lamborgenie
- I'm a genie. If you rub me, ill grant you 3 wishes.
- I won a fishing competition today, which granted me the title of: Master Baiter
- What does a German Genie do to grant a wish? He Schnapps his fingers.
- I failed a genealogy test the other day... Couldn't grant one wish.
Hugh Grant Jokes
Here is a list of funny hugh grant jokes and even better hugh grant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Julia Roberts apply for when she walked in to a bank in the movie Notting Hill? A hugh grant.
Uproarious Grant Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about grant you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean licence jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grant pranks.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.
He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said "I would like a million dollars."
The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Texan and the Yankee
A Texan and a y**... are walking on a beach when they come across a genie's lamp. The genie promises to grant them each a single wish. The Texan thinks and says "I want a wall two miles high and two miles deep around Texas. Nothing can get in and nothing can get out." The y**... asks the genie, "so nothing can get in or out?" "Yes," says the genie, "two miles high it stands and two miles deep."
"Fill it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wishes
A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two genies in a deserted house..
A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house s**... bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.
He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."
So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.
He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.
When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.
As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"
To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."
Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic...
A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic meet a genie. The genie says to them, "If you can resist your urges I will grant you each one wish. But should you fail, you will disappear" The three men agreed and tried to go a full day without alcohol, r**..., and theft. The alcoholic's wife leaves him so he takes a drink, then he disappears. Later the greedy man is on the bus and a lady drops a dollar. The man bends down to keep it, and the r**... disappears.
If someone...
If someone is having second thoughts about booking a trip in native American territory, you could say they are having a reservation reservation reservation.
...
Good thing self posts don't grant negative karma >.>
After being granted asylum in the Antarctica...
I guess you could call him, Edward snowed-in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Jesus/Easter joke
Jesus says to God, "Hey it's almost Easter, can't you like grant me a wish or something?"
God says "Oh alright then, but you only one."
So Jesus stretches out his arms as far as he can and says "I want to be hung like THIS!"
A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach
He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."
After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."
"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.
"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.
"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.
Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.
"I wish to donate a kidney."
The Irishman's parking space
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID s**...
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Black guy and Jewish Genie
A black man is walking along the beach one day, when he finds a bottle. He picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Jewish Genie.
"I vill grant you 3 vishes"
Without hesitating, the man says "I wanna be White, Tight, and out of sight!"
*p**...*
He turns into a t**... ....
What's the moral of the story?
You never get anything from a Jew, without a string attached.
An Irish man finds a lamp
He rubs it enthusiastically and out pops a genie who states "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you 2 wishes" the Irishman ponders this for a while before making his first wish "I wish I had a pint of Guinness that never goes down" he says excitedly. The pint appears in his hand, he takes a swig and it immediately refills. "This is marvellous!" The Irishman says "I'll have another one of those please!"
God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change. The COURAGE to change the things I can
A brunette and a blonde are stranded on an island.
Suddenly, a magical genie appears to them. He says, "You girls have stumbled upon an unfortunate fate. Therefore, I will grant you each one wish."
The brunette says, "I wish I were home with my family!"
"So it is done," the genie says, and the girl is poofed home.
The blonde looks over to where her friend had just been standing and says, "Aw man, I wish she hadn't left me here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds a genie
and the genie tells him that he will grant the man 3 wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double. The man wishes for 1 million dollars. "Done. But your wife gets 2 million." says the genie. Then the man wishes for a new car. He gets one, his wife gets two. The man's final wish, "Beat me half to death."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie.
''You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish,'' the genie tells her.''See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man,'' she says.The genie agrees and – p**...! – the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.''Do you have anything to say before we make love?'' she asks.''Yes,'' he says. ''I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week.''
What do you get when you cross a cat and a wild boar?
Revocation of your grant money and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar...
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Small Head
A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had s**... with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have s**... with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"
Fed up with all the denouncements, God finally decides to appear in front of an atheist...
To show that he is the Allmighty and omnipotent and put the heretic to his place, God asks the atheist for one wish that he *will* grant.
Atheist, after a careful consideration, replies:
"Erase my memory of this incident."
(Old WoW joke) ...and Jesus said to his disciples 'I shall grant you wisdom and salvation.'
And the disciples replied 'could we get kings instead?'
A man is granted one wish, but with a catch
A man unlocks a genie, and the genie tells him that he will grant him one wish, but whatever he wishes for, all lawyers in the world will be granted double.
The man thinks long and hard about his one wish, and calmly states "I wish to donate a kidney"
Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?
She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the cop do when his Sergeant did not grant him the vacation he requested?
Shot a black man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two mortal enemies get lost in the desert...
Two mortal enemies get lost in the desert. "It's all your fault!" Guy #1 says. "No, it's all your fault!" Guy #2 says. Suddenly, guy #1 finds a genie lamp. The genie appears, and says, "I can grant each of you one wish.". Guy #1 says, "I want 2x what he gets!". "Very well, what is your wish, Guy #2?" The genie asked. Guy #2 grinned, and says, "I want to be beaten half to death!"
Three guys are stranded on a desert island
Suddenly a good fairy appears and tells them: "I will grant each of you one wish".
The first guy says: "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, I just want to be home." His wish is granted.
The second guy says: "I've always wanted to see the world so I wish to be in Paris." His wish is granted.
The third guy says: "Oh man, now I'm all alone :(.
I wish the two other guys back!"
A genie grants a man three wishes...
"Hello sir, I am going to grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?
"I wish I could have three more wishes!"
"You aren't allowed to say that."
"Fine, I wish I could have two more wishes!"
"Ok, you have two more wishes. What is your second wish?"
Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven
At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".
Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".
So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.
A man rubs a bottle and a genie comes out,
The genie says to the man, "I will grant you one wish however, it must be within reason" The man thinks for a second and says "I want a dragon!" the genie replies "Are you mad? I said within reason!" Again the man thinks and finally speaks. "I wish for the ability to plug a USB cable in right every time." The genie thinks, then says,
What color do you want your dragon?
Sailor with a Small Head
One day, a man sees a sailor walking around, and he notices that the sailor has a very small head.
The man asks the sailor, "Why is your head so small?" The sailor replies, "When I was sailing, I saw a beautiful mermaid, and she said she would grant me one wish. And you know what, I thought about it for a while, until a brilliant idea struck. I went over to the mermaid, and asked, 'How about a little head?'"
George Lucas has loudly proclaimed that he is coming out of retirement to do an all CGI remake of a classic Cary Grant movie
Tentative title: Gungan Din
A father finds a magic lamp...
and when he rubs it, a genie pops out and offers to grant him anything he wants.
The man asks for a unicorn for his daughter.
The genie says unicorns aren't even real, try to be more realistic.
So the man decides to ask the genie to let the Browns win a single game.
The genie sighs and asks the man what color unicorn his daughter would prefer.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds a genie
The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Plane Full Of Ugly People Crashes
A plane full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. The peoples' souls then go to heaven, where they are greeted by God at the gate. God tells them that he will grant each person one wish. The first person says, I want to be beautiful . God snapped his fingers and it happened. Then the second person wished for the same thing. This continues as each person in line wishes to be beautiful. God notices the last man in line laughing hysterically. When it came to be the man's turn he laughed and said, I wish all those people were ugly again.
Guy and genie in a bottle
Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:
"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."
And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"
Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"
Guy: "I want 10 million dollars"
Ghost: "Done, plus 20 million for each politician"
Guy: "I always wanted to donate a kidney"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic
And then p**... , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .
The old lady said
- I want to be young and beautiful again
- I want to very rich
- my cat should become a handsome prince
p**... the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and her cat now transformed into a prince started crying ..
She asked what happened ?
Cat : I guess you forgot the time you had me neutered !!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Genie: I can grant you 3 wishes
Genie: I can grant you 3 wishes
Man: I wish I was divorced
[p**...]
Genie: you have one wish left
Credits : @Boogtweeets
When I was younger, I had an imaginary friend. I'd talk to him and he could hear me and he could grant me wishes and stuff too
Then I grew up and stopped going to church.
A genie magically appered in front of me. He said he could grant me 3 wishes, except for the classic 'wishing for more wishes'
Joke's on him. I wished for more genies.
An engineer is walking down the road...
He comes upon a frog and catches it in his hands. The frog says "If you let me go I will grant you riches beyond measure." The engineer laughs and puts the frog in this pocket. The frog struggles out of his pocket and yells "DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?! I'LL MAKE YOU RICH!"
The Engineer replies "What do I need with that? I have a talking frog!!"
A man finds a magic lamp
The genie inside tells the man he will grant him three wishes.
The man says "I wish I only had two wishes."
"Granted."
Ginnie: I grant you 3 wishes
Man: "I wish I have 4 wishes!"
Ginnie: "Granted. Now you have 3 wishes"
Genie: I will grant you three wishes
Oppenheimer : I want world peace; I want my country to be the most powerful in the world; And I want thousands of more wishes.
A Buddhist finds a Genie in a lamp
The genie says "I can grant you one wish." The Buddha says with tears in his eyes "I've always wanted to be Hispanic, and I have also lived this life of poverty. What I would really like is for you to make me Juan, with everything."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three in floating in the Ocean.
Three men floating in the ocean in a life raft when a smoke-filled bottle bumps the raft. o**... picks it up and opens it. Out comes the Genie. I will grant you each one wish but it can't be changed…..The first guy shouts-out, turn the ocean to beer. The other two look at him then shake their heads and said, Well now I guess we will have to pee in the life raft.
Grant Imahara walks up to the pearly gates...
As he looks around, confused, a booming voice speaks to him across the clouds...
...Myth confirmed.
A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch
The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born son
The bard laughs and says sure! Good luck finding him
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.
They picked it up and a genie popped out.
"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.
The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" p**...! All the Democrats in America were whisked away to Venezuela.
The genie turns to the Republican and said, "And what is your wish?"
The Republican paused for a second and said, "You mean to tell me that all the Democrats in America are gone?"
The genie answered, "Yes!"
The Republican goes, "In that case, I'll take a beer."
An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up
A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.
Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.
"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.
Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.
"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.
The genie shook his head.
"I can't fulfill that wish."
The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"
The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".
Genie: Wait, what? Why?
Man: It's for a joke, trust me.
Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?
Man: Yes.
Burger King: Have it your way.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did they fund four weddings and a f**...?
A Huge Grant
When I was young, I prayed to god, please let me excel in life
Turns out the crazy guy did grant my wish. I excel everyday now
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a genie grant himself a wish?
He rubs one out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A gypsy man was fishing one day when
he caught a beautiful golden trout. This happened to be a magic trout, and it said to the gypsy
"Oh kind fisherman, if you would throw me back I will grant you three wishes!"
So the gypsy didn't think very long, and threw the fish back. Then he said
"For my first wish, I want to be White. For my second wish, I want to be 8 inches long... if you know what I mean. And for my third wish, make is so that all the women in the world will want me!"
So the fish said "Your wishes are granted!"
and turned him into a m**... Pad.
Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.
Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.
The old man is told by the Genie that he will grant him one wish.
The old man is told by the Genie that he will grant him one wish.
The man says I wish for a wife 30 years younger!
So the genie made him 90.
A guy is walking on a beach when he finds a genie lamp..
He rubs the lamp and a Genie pops out.
The Genie says, "Thank you for releasing me. I will grant you one wish."
The guy doesn't hesitate.."I want to be world famous! I want my name in lights in every theater around the world!"
"Done!", says the Genie.."Your name is now EXIT."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You find a magic lamp, and a genie comes out of it.
Genie: Hello, I am a genie. I will grant you 1 wish, what is your wish?
You: I wish I didn't exist
Genie: Your wsh has been granted.
You: Nothng happened?
Gene: Take a moment to consder what you sad there. Wll be on my way now, bye.
For my 3rd wish, I wish for infinite wishes
"Wish granted," says the Genie.
"Really? I thought it was impossible. I wish for infinite riches now." responds the man.
The man waits for a few minutes as nothing happens.
"I thought you said you granted my wish for infinite wishes!"
The Genie smirks and responds "I said I would only GRANT three wishes. You have infinite wishes as you wanted now, except I just won't grant them. You should have looked at the dictionary definition for wish first."
A man meets a fairy
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" , the fairy asks.
"Another one of those"
A Genie grants a person 3 wish
The genie says I shall grant you 3 wishes, ask what you must
The man replies I want a world without lawyers
Granted, you have no more wishes left said the genie
The man exclaimed But wait! You said 3 wishes!
Genie replied Sue me
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Zack late to his work
Zach's boss was super p**... as Zack was an hour late to the work because of the daylight savings time.
After the boss left, Zack kick a lamp to vent out his frustration.
Suddenly a genie appeared and said - you have made me free. I will grant you a wish.
Zack - Can you bring peace between Israel and Palestine?
Genie - That's not possible. Sorry you got to ask another wish.
Zack - Can you please explain me the benefit of daylight savings time?
Genie - Ahhh... Ok, I will call Netanyahu
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says, I will grant you three wishes, but there are some rules. No wishing for more wishes, wishing for immortality, or wishing to bring someone back from the dead.
The man says, Ok, I wish to not die a v**....
The genie replies, I already told you, no wishing for immortality.
A man was eating cookies at the park.
While eating his last cookie out of the bunch, he was approached by an old lady. She was putting her hands out, gesturing if she could have his last cookie. The man broke the cookie in two and gave the old lady half of the cookie.
With a single bite, a bright light flashed and the old lady turned out to be a fairy in disguise "For your selflessness, I shall grant you a single wish."
"I wish for a red sportscar!"
With a flick of a wand, half of a sportscar fell in front of the man.
The definition of chutzpah:
Is the man who killed his parents who asks for mercy from the court.
The judge asks On what grounds should we grant you mercy?
Man On the account of I'm an orphan!
This is a very old one.
#yiddish is fun
The big duck
A man at an airport see a guy with a giant duck on leash
He asks : "Wow, where did you find this ?"
"Well, i found a magic lamp with a genie that granted me one wish, i can let you try it"
So the other guy grabs the lamp and starts to rub it
A genie come out : "I grant you one wish"
" incredible, I wish for a billion !"
Suddenly, a pillion appeared.
"But this is not what i asked for !"
And the other guy says "You really think i asked for a big duck ?"
