granny Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious granny puns

Two electricians are up on a pole

A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:

— Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?

The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:

— Told you it was the ground.

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I just explained Google to my Granny.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

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A teenage boy asks his granny: 'Have you seen my pills, they are labelled LSD?

Granny: "Fuck the pills; have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

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I said to my granny "have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD"?

She said, "fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen"?

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A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."

"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.

"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."

Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."

"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.

"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."

Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."

"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.

"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"

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Exercising when you get older is so important!

My granny started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 65.

Now she's 92 and we don't know where the hell she is.

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A little old lady gets pulled over.

The cop asks for her licence and registration. He then asks her if she has any illegal drugs or weapons in the car.

She says, "Yes, I have a 9mm in my purse, a .357 in the glove compartment, a sawed off shotgun between the seats and an assault rifle in the trunk."

The cop is surprised and says, "Damn granny, what are you scared of?"

She says, "Not a fucking thing."

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Wrong queue !

This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and suck'em dry."

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A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills...

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"

His granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

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A boy asks his granny, Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?

His granny replies, Screw the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?

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An old couple gets in the mood.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

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Son: Hey Dad, theres some guy collecting for the old folks home at the door

Dad: Great! Give him Granny!

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A guy asks his grandmother...

"Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD".

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

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What's the difference between a necrophiliac and someone with a granny fetish?

A couple of weeks

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"Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?"

"Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again."

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A little black kid is baking with his grandmother.

He throws some flour on his face playfully and says "Look, Granny, I'm a little white boy!"

Granny sends him into the other room to tell his father what he said. He walks up to his father and says "Look, Daddy, I'm a little white boy." His father backhands and him and sends him to tell his mother.

Nervously, the kid walks up to his mother and says "Look, Mommy, I'm a little white boy." Mom slaps him and sends him back into the kitchen.

"Have you learned anything?", asks Granny.

"Yes," replies the boy, "I've been white for five minutes and I hate n****** already."

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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

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My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad

Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.

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The Art of Singing

One day little Oscar went to visit his grandparents in their new home.

Soon Oscar needed to use the bathroom, so he told his grandma:
"Granny, I really need to piss!"

His gram told him: "Oscar, that's a really naughty expression! Why don't you use a nicer word... like *singing*?"
Oscar nodded.

The following night Oscar had to pee again but he forgot where the bathroom was. So he woke his granddad and told him:
"Grandpa, I really need to... um... *sing*!"

His grandfather answered:

"Alright, alright... just do it quietly in my ear."

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"Look Momma, I'm a white boy."

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy." His Daddy slaps him on the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother." So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy." She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?" The boy shakes his head and says "I sure did, I've only been white for five minutes and I already hate you people".

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An old granny walks into a sex shop

She's shaking badly, and the clerk assumes she has a bad case of Parkinsons.

*"Show me a vibrator"*, she says.

The clerk shows her a 4" unit.

*"Bigger!"*, she demands.

The clerk takes out an 8" unit.

*"Still bigger!"*

Out comes a 12" unit.

*"Show me the biggest one you got!"*

The clerk pulls out a massive 20", three-pronged vibrator with a two-stroke engine.

*"That's the one! Now how do you turn it off?"*

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Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."

Johnny asks: "Oral! How?"

Grandpa says: "I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too."

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A woman and baby are in the doctor's clinic

The doc is concerned about the baby's weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed?

The woman replies, "Breast fed."

The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ... "No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk."

Woman replies, "I know, Im his granny ... but Im glad I came!"

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Two nuns go on a bike ride through town...

As they ride through an alley, the younger nun turns to the elder and says, "I've never come this way before!"

The elder nun replies, "That's because it's cobblestones, dear."

ba-dum CHING. My granny told me that one this weekend.

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A boy asks his granny....

"Have you seen my pills labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, there is a dragon in the kitchen!!"

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Why are granny panties better than thongs?

Because granny panties will cover your ass, but thongs are always trying to get up in your shit.

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Orally...

One young boy asks his grandfather "What is sex?"
Grandpa replies "This is something elders do in the bed"
Young boy asks, "How many times to do it?"
Grandpa replies "In young age you feel like doing it all the day, when middle age one time a day or even once in a week."
Then the young boy ask grandpa, "What is about old age."
Grandpa replies "We do oral sex"
Then young boy asks, "How they can do it since they sleep in seperate rooms."
Grandpa replies, "I say f...u" from my room and your granny says "f...u" from other room."

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What did granny say after leaving her handbag on a bus?

"Allahu Akbar!"


I'm going to hell for this.

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Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub...

and my sister commented that the hair on her ''privates'' was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don't grow on a racetrack".

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Sonny, sonny, what's the name of that German that hides our things around the house?

Alzheimer, granny, Alzheimer!

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A little boy goes to his grandma and asks:

"Granny is mom going to heaven?"

Grandmother:"Why would you think that?"

Little Boy:"I heard her screaming, "Oh god I'm coming!", last night."

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My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

Not as in, with a stick – he just died first

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a pervert calls a retirement home

an old lady picks up.

he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "

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Dat Riddim

A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along."

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A police officer stops a car and says:

- "Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge - you win $10,000!"

- "What will you do with that money?"

The driver gets very emotional and says,

- "First of all, I'll finally make my drivers license!"

The wife cuts in,

- "Don't listen to him, officer, he's still drunk!"

A-hard-of-hearing granny from the backseat grumbles,

- "I knew we shouldn't have taken the stolen car!"

A voice from the trunk adds,

- "Hey, are we past the border yet?"

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What are the most funny Granny jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Granny? Well, here are the best Granny dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Granny pick up lines to share with friends.

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