The Best 33 Granny Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Granny jokes. There are some granny granpa jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these granny old granny puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Granny Jokes and Puns
Two nuns go on a bike ride through town...
As they ride through an alley, the younger nun turns to the elder and says, "I've never come this way before!"
The elder nun replies, "That's because it's cobblestones, dear."
ba-dum CHING. My granny told me that one this weekend.
Wrong queue !
This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and suck'em dry."
Dat Riddim
A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along."
Why does granny have black eyes?
She was skipping without her bra
How are children born?
Little peter and little Johnny asked their grandma,"How children are born Granny?".
"The Stark brings them in his beak my children", said Grandma.
Little Peter and little Johnny looked at each other and Little Jonny said ,"What do you think Peter, Shall we tell her?"
"No No" said Peter,"Leave her in her innocence"
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
Family Fight
My neighbours' family had a huge fight yesterday. Allegedly it started when their son introduced his girlfriend and granny responded: 'See what happens when you don't pray?'
Hey sexy granny, you better call life alert
Because I've fallen for you and can't get up
What's worse than seeing your granny wrestle?
Seeing her box.
Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub...
and my sister commented that the hair on her ''privates'' was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don't grow on a racetrack".
Two electricians are up on a pole
A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:
— Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?
The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:
— Told you it was the ground.
You can explore granny gramma reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean granny nana dad jokes. There are also granny puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What's the difference between a necrophiliac and someone with a granny fetish?
A couple of weeks
Mom
Can we go out and play with granny?
Yes, just don't bite her nails or I'll close the coffin
An old granny walks into a sex shop
She's shaking badly, and the clerk assumes she has a bad case of Parkinsons.
*"Show me a vibrator"*, she says.
The clerk shows her a 4" unit.
*"Bigger!"*, she demands.
The clerk takes out an 8" unit.
*"Still bigger!"*
Out comes a 12" unit.
*"Show me the biggest one you got!"*
The clerk pulls out a massive 20", three-pronged vibrator with a two-stroke engine.
*"That's the one! Now how do you turn it off?"*
Cafe Chit Chat
At a local cafe, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night! An old granny overheard and spoke up, Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!
a pervert calls a retirement home
an old lady picks up.
he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "
Son: Hey Dad, theres some guy collecting for the old folks home at the door
Dad: Great! Give him Granny!
How do you know when a chinese granny moves to your town?
Even the Mexicans start buying car insurance :)
Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Quiet son and help me pull granny off the door handle!
"Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?"
"Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again."
My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad
Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.
A little boy goes to his grandma and asks:
"Granny is mom going to heaven?"
Grandmother:"Why would you think that?"
Little Boy:"I heard her screaming, "Oh god I'm coming!", last night."
Granny said to Marjorie: Listen dear, it is true--that if you say MeToo;
The fault lies with you too.
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
Every year for Valentine's Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven't received anything.
First my granny dies, now this?
An old grandma brings a bus driver
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."
How did Helen Keller lose her virginity
Granny forgot to remove the plunger.
Not properly prescripted
- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "LSD" engraved on 'em.
- F*ck them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!
What's the difference between granny fetish and necrophilia?
A couple of weeks.
Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket
Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!
Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.
Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!
Grandma: It's midnight, you can't sing now.
Little Karl: But I need to sing really bad!
Grandma: Well ok then. Sing quietly to grannys ear.
I inherited hypertension from my granny.
She taught me to take everything with a grain of salt.
What do you call a granny who is good at coding and beer pong?
A Brogramma
A cop is driving down the freeway when he looks over and spots a granny knitting whilst balancing the steering wheel with her knees
He pulls alongside the granny, and angrily shouts "pull over!"
The granny shouts back, "no, it's a scarf"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the granny gran jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working granny johnny piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.