Granny Jokes
50 granny jokes and hilarious granny puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about granny that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you need a good laugh, then Granny Jokes are a must-read! We've got everything from granny pants and granny panties to granny smith apples and lingerie jokes. Plus, don't forget all the funny urin and gramma jokes you can tell your friends.
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Funniest Granny Short Jokes
Short granny jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The granny humour may include short grandma jokes also.
- My grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. " I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths?
- I hate it when my aunts and grannies come up to me at weddings and say "You're next." So now I just do the same to them at funerals.
- Son: Hey Dad, theres some guy collecting for the old folks home at the door Dad: Great! Give him Granny!
- "Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?" "Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again."
- I inherited hypertension from my granny. She taught me to take everything with a grain of salt.
- My Granny thought the Doctor was hitting on her after her medical.... Apparently Her hearing is going and she's got Acute Angina.
- Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub... and my sister commented that the hair on her ''privates'' was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don't grow on a racetrack".
- Family Fight My neighbours' family had a huge fight yesterday. Allegedly it started when their son introduced his girlfriend and granny responded: 'See what happens when you don't pray?'
- A little boy goes to his grandma and asks: "Granny is mom going to heaven?"
Grandmother:"Why would you think that?"
Little Boy:"I heard her screaming, "Oh god I'm coming!", last night." - A third old woman, full of happiness, asks her granddaughter; "My sweety, remind me please.. What’s the name of that German guy that blew my mind off...?"
"Alzheimer, granny!"
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Granny One Liners
Which granny one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with granny? I can suggest the ones about old grandma and your grandma.
- What do you call a granny who is good at coding and beer pong? A Brogramma
- Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac? Quiet son and help me pull granny off the door handle!
- What's worse than seeing your granny wrestle? Seeing her box.
- I like my women like I like my apples... Bruised Granny's.
- Prank to send Granny's Pantys to anyone in the US
- Hot single grannies in your area want you to look at how tall you've gotten.
- My Granny falls from time to time but acts like it never happened. She forgets.
- Johnny! Stop biting nails!.. on granny's feet!.. And get away of coffin!
- Why can't Jim's make sandwiches? Cause it was at my grannies, isn't it!!!
- Why don't Grannies go for Smear tests? Have you ever tried to open a cheese toastie
- A granny comes to see a doctor - and the doctor is a granny too.
- How did Helen Keller lose her virginity Granny forgot to remove the plunger.
- Why does granny have black eyes? She was skipping without her bra
- Hey s**... granny, you better call life alert Because I've fallen for you and can't get up
- Send Granny's p**... To Enemies
Hilarious Granny Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about granny you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dead grandmother jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make granny pranks.
Two electricians are up on a pole
A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:
— Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?
The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:
— Told you it was the ground.
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wrong queue !
This girl was a p**..., but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and s**...'em dry."
Granny goes to the doctor.
She tells the doctor:
Look I have a big problem.
I have so SO much gas, thankfully it is not loud or smelly, but I need something about it.
Doctor said: Ok ask the pharmacist for this medication, take 1 pill each morning and come back in a week.
So the granny goes in a week later and says: What is going on, everything is all the same but now the gases are extremely smelly, what did you do?
So the doctor take a camera device and checks her nostrils inside and says: Ok now that the nostrils are no longer blocked, let's see about the ears.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a necrophiliac and someone with a granny f**...?
A couple of weeks
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dat Riddim
A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the d**...." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along."
Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket
Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!
Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.
Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!
Grandma: It's midnight, you can't sing now.
Little Karl: But I need to sing really bad!
Grandma: Well ok then. Sing quietly to grannys ear.
How are children born?
Little peter and little Johnny asked their grandma,"How children are born Granny?".
"The Stark brings them in his beak my children", said Grandma.
Little Peter and little Johnny looked at each other and Little Jonny said ,"What do you think Peter, Shall we tell her?"
"No No" said Peter,"Leave her in her innocence"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not properly prescripted
- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "l**..." engraved on 'em.
- F*c**... them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a pervert calls a retirement home
an old lady picks up.
he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "
Cafe Chit Chat
At a local cafe, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night! An old granny overheard and spoke up, Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!
Mom
Can we go out and play with granny?
Yes, just don't bite her nails or I'll close the coffin
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
Granny said to Marjorie: Listen dear, it is true--that if you say MeToo;
The fault lies with you too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know when a chinese granny moves to your town?
Even the Mexicans start buying car insurance :)
A guy sees a granny selling cabbages.
The business is not good and no one seems to be interested in buying them. They all cost 5 dollars each. He decided to buy one. He continued to buy one each day until he just gave money for a cabbage without taking one.
Then one day as usual he gave 5 dollars, turned to leave but the granny stopes him. He turns around and asked her:
"What is it granny? Do you want to know why i buy cabbages without taking one?"
The granny looks at him and says:
"No, i just wanted to say the price grew. Now it costs 10 dollars!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Granny suprise
A p**... in Philippines stands in line with 50 others during a police raid, checking their IDs
As suprise her grand mother shows up, asking what she is doing in that long line.
"There is a man on the end, giving oranges for free, to make juice", she lies ashamed.
"Well, in this heat i wanna have some too ", says the grandmother and joines the line.
As the police officer showes up he is shocked and said: "Oh my god, how can you do that! You are quiet old already!".
"No problem Officer, i take out my teeth and s**... em dry..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom only to find his granny bathing.
What's that? little Johnny asks his granny, pointing down between her legs.
That's my b**... honey .
Oh. Johnny replies and walks away.
A few hours later little Johnny walks into the bathroom this time to find his mother bathing.
What's that? , little Johnny asks his mother, pointing down between her legs.
That's my b**... honey , replies his mother.
Oh says Johnny. Well I think grannies' is dead 'cause it's tongue's sticking out .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A middle-aged lady was in Europe when she learned that her 100-year-old grand father had died. She was unable to get an immediate flight so; the f**... was over when she reached home. She immediately went to console her 98-year-old grandmother. She asked, What happened granny?"
Granny said, "It was sunday morning and we were having s**... as we did every sunday when the church bells started to ring. Poppa was great at keeping rhythm with the slow toll of the church bells, you know, ding in and d**... out. I think he might have avoided that fatal heart attach if that frigging ice cream truck hadn't passed. His heart just couldn't stand the pace.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little black kid is baking with his grandmother.
He throws some flour on his face playfully and says "Look, Granny, I'm a little white boy!"
Granny sends him into the other room to tell his father what he said. He walks up to his father and says "Look, Daddy, I'm a little white boy." His father backhands and him and sends him to tell his mother.
Nervously, the kid walks up to his mother and says "Look, Mommy, I'm a little white boy." Mom slaps him and sends him back into the kitchen.
"Have you learned anything?", asks Granny.
"Yes," replies the boy, "I've been white for five minutes and I hate n****** already."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the family of bananas call their gay granny?
Lesbanana (l**... Nana)
