grandson Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious grandson puns

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

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A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

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An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

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I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie....

Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?"

"Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."

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An old cowboy told his grandson...

An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom?

Because he was dribbling. 😊

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Grandma, how old are you?

"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.

He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"

"Six" she said.

"And the second?"

Grandma sighed. "Seven."

"And the third?"

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How to Live a Long Life

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."

Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the funeral."

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An old man is lying on his death bed...

... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."

The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."

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My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone.

When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me

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Grandpa looks at his grandson and says, "Go hide! Your teacher is here because you skipped school today."

The grandson says, "No, you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

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I'll never forget the last thing my Grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket...

he said, "Grandson, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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A grandmother said to her grandson,

"The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."
He replied, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma."

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I used to brag to my grandson about how many girls I picked up at Auschwitz.

He said it doesn't count since I used a dust pan and brush.

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Can I have some? nsfw

So this old man takes his grandson fishing. After a few minutes the grandpa pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. The kid says
"hey that looks pretty good can I have one?"
"can you touch your butthole with your pecker?" Says the grandpa..
The child replies "no."
"Then you are not old enough to have one."
A few minutes later the grandpa starts smoking a cigar.
"Hey grandpa that looks pretty good can I have one?"
Again the grandpa replies "can you touch your butthole with your pecker?"
"no" says the child.
"then you're not old enough to have one.."
A little time passes and the kid reaches into his bag and starts to eat some cookies. The grandpa says
"hey those look pretty good can I have one?" To which the kid replies
"can you touch your butthole with your pecker?"
"I sure as hell can!" Exclaims the grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself because these are my cookies!"

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A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."

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The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What...you coming empty handed?"

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Hey grandson, what's the name of that german man who makes me go crazy?

Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer...

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Your elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.......

"What..... You're coming empty handed?"

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GRANDPA'S CONDOMS

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Big enough to fit a Camel."

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A Shlep on the Beach

A woman is at the beach with her grandson when a huge wave suddenly washes the boy out to sea. Grief-stricken, she falls on her knees, looks up to the sky and implores: "Oh God, return my grandson to me and I'll give all my money to the synagogue and devote my life to prayer and good works!"

Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and another wave washes the boy back on the beach, completely unharmed. Once again the woman looks up to the heavens and cries out:

"He had a hat!"

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The duck hunter

Grandpa was a keen country sportsman and one day he decided to take his grandson shooting with him. Togged up in all his hunting gear, shotgun broken across his forearm, he proudly led little Jimmy down to the lake side. After waiting patiently for a while a lone duck came into view flying over the lake. "Now watch this Jimmy," says Grandpa. He takes careful aim and fires. The duck flies serenely on. "My boy," exclaims Grandpa, "you are witnessing a miracle. There flies a dead duck."

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Farmer Smartass

A grandson goes to visit his grandfather's farm. He asks his grandfather, "Why does that chicken house have two doors?"

The grandfather replies, "It has two doors because it's a chicken coop. The one over there with four doors is a chicken sedan."

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A Ukranian man is out on a walk with his grandson. The little boy turns to him and asks, "Grandfather, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster here many years ago?"

A Ukranian man is out on a walk with his grandson. The little boy turns to him and asks, "Grandfather, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster here many years ago?"
"Yes, child," he says, patting his grandson's head.
"But I heard that there were no consequences at all; is this true too?"
"Yes, child," he says, patting his grandson's other head.
And then they strolled off together, wagging their tails.

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Savage Grandpa.

Grandson: "Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"

Grandpa: "So you can all be really sad when I die."

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A grandfather takes his grandson hunting for the first time

They are on the look-out when a young deer appears in the middle of the clearing, the little one raises his rifle but his grandfather stops him saying "that one is too young, let's wait a bit more".

They wait, and a magnificent deer in the prime of his years struts into the clearing and the young lad raises his rifle again. Again the grandfather stops him and explains "we need strong young deer to keep the population healthy."

They continue to wait and eventually a scraggly little thing covered in scars, with only three legs and missing an eye stumbles onto the clearing. The grandson looks questioningly at his grandfather asking "Is this one ok?" -"Yes, we always shoot at that one!"

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An old man walks around town with his grandson...

"Today," he informs the young boy, "I will teach you about the hypocrisy of society."
"Look at the road before us," he went on. "I helped build this road, and many others in this county, when I was only 16. Yet no one calls me 'Road Builder,' 'Trail Maker,' or anything of the sort."
They went on, the old man pointing at variius houses as they went.
"See these houses? I led their construction, and the construction of many more, when I was but 23. Yet no one calls me 'House Maker' or 'Home Builder' or anything of the sort."
They continued walking, until they got to a bridge.
"Look here! I built this bridge myself when I was 30. I went on to build many other bridges in this county; yet no one calls me 'Bridge Builder' or 'Pontiff' or anything of the sort." At this, he turned, got close to the boys face, and spoke harshly:

"But you fuck ONE goat..."

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Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?

A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "NO!"

"Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather.

A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "NO!"

"Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.

About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home.
On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?"
The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"

"Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson.

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A boy sees his grandpa sipping whiskey on the porch and asks, can have some?

The grandpa says, does your dick touch your asshole? The boy says, no . Grandpa says, then no, you can't have any. Later that day the boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigar. He asks, hey can I try your cigar? Grandpa again asks, does your dick touch your asshole? The boy says no and his grandpa responds, then no, you can't have any. The next morning the grandpa comes into the kitchen and sees the boy eating cookies. He asks his grandson for a cookie and the boy asks, does your dick touch your asshole? The grandpa replies, yes, and without missing a beat the boy says, then go fuck yourself, grandma made these for me.

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On a boat on a lake...

A kid and his grandfather are out fishing. Some time passes and the grandfather reaches under his bench and pulls out a 6 pack of beer. Cracks one open and starts drinking. The grandson looks at him and says "hey grandpa can I have one of those?"

The grandfather asks, "well can your dick touch your ass?"

"No", the grandson replies.

"Well then you can't have one."

Some more time passes and the grandson reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bag of chocolate chip cookies. The grandfather says" Where the hell did you get those?!"

"Grandma made 'em for me" he replies.

"Well can I have one?"

"Can you dick touch your ass?"

"Yeah"

"Then go fuck yourself"

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Wise Italian Grandfather.

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.


An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."


"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"


"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "


"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.


"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

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Assisted Living

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in an assisted living home.
Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their
abuelo...

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful, everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.


"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on

the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor".

"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
"Doctor"

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
F---ing Mexican"

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A Loving Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

Grandad smiled, and the woman said, William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......the little shit's name is Kevin."

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A grandfather and grandson go to a shopping mall...

All of a sudden the grandson turns around and looks around and realizes he can't find his grandpa. A security guard comes up to this little boy and asks...
"Can I help you boy?"
The little boy reply's "I cant find my grandpa!"
So then the security guard asks "Well, whats his name?"
"Um, GRANDPA"
So then the guard ask's, "OK, Well, whats he like?"
The little boy stands there and thinks for a few seconds and says "Crown Royal Whisky, and ladies with big tits."


My Grandma told me this joke a few years ago, it's my favorite!

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What are the most funny Grandson jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Grandson? Well, here are the best Grandson dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Grandson pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes