Grandson Jokes
88 grandson jokes and hilarious grandson puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grandson that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for the perfect jokes to make your Grandson laugh? Look no further! All the best Grandson Jokes, including Judi Dench's adorable gift to her Grandson, are here. From Grandfather to Grandpa to Gramps to Brother, you'll get ideas for some funny and heartwarming oatmeal jokes to use on your Grandson's Birthday.
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Funniest Grandson Short Jokes
Short grandson jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grandson humour may include short grandchild jokes also.
- Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
- My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom? Because he was dribbling. 😊
- Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance? Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."
- Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
- My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone. When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me
- Hey grandson, what's the name of that german man who makes me go crazy? Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer...
- I used to brag to my grandson about how many girls I picked up at auschwitz. He said it doesn't count since I used a dust pan and brush.
- What's the difference between North Korea and the USA? In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson.
In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather. - "Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?" "Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again."
- I'm teaching my Grandson the alphabet at the moment, starting with the hardest first four letters.. ..the rest is just e-z
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Grandson One Liners
Which grandson one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grandson? I can suggest the ones about granddaughter and nephew.
- what do you call Johnny Cash's millennial grandson Johnny Bitcoin
- What kind of food can you color with? A cranberry! ~ Esher (my Grandson) age 5
- My grandson identifies as a waning moon. I can't see much of my sun in him.
- What do Bigfoot and Prince's grandson have in common? They both have grand paw prints.
- Grandad: I fought in the war, you know. Grandson: Were you a Roundhead or a Cavalier?
Grandfather Grandson Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandfather grandson jokes and even better grandfather grandson puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Nostalgic grandpa A grandfather to his grandson: when i was you age id grab $5 and get groceries for the entire week.
The grandson: We can't do that now grandpa..they have cameras installed. - Grandfather to his grandson: "Quick! Hide! Your teacher is coming here because you skipped school today." Grandson: "No! YOU hide. I told her you died today!"
- TIL that the "o" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts
- Food problems Grandfather:When I was a young boy we had to queue for a long time to get meat here in the USSR
Grandson:uhh...so grandpa what is meat?
Grandpa And Grandson Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandpa and grandson jokes and even better grandpa and grandson puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match Grandpa: who's playing?
Grandson: Czech and Slovakia
Grandpa: against who? - What did the grandpa say to his grandson right before he kicked the bucket? Hey do you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?
- A grandpa tells his grandson "Your generation depends too much on technology." The grandson unplugs his grandpa's life support.
Howlingly Hilarious Grandson Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about grandson you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grandfather jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grandson pranks.
An old ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.
Grandfather Joke
A grandfather told his grandson that his generation was too reliant on technology.
The grandson responded No Grandpa, your generation is too reliant on technology
He then disconnected his life support.
A Shlep on the Beach
A woman is at the beach with her grandson when a huge wave suddenly washes the boy out to sea. Grief-stricken, she falls on her knees, looks up to the sky and implores: "Oh God, return my grandson to me and I'll give all my money to the synagogue and devote my life to prayer and good works!"
Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and another wave washes the boy back on the beach, completely unharmed. Once again the woman looks up to the heavens and cries out:
"He had a hat!"
An old man is lying on his death bed...
... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the f**...."
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."
A Child Didn't Attend School
Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"
The Good Old Days!
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
"Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
An old cowboy told his grandson...
An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
GRANDPA'S CONDOMS
An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
Grandma, how old are you?
"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"
A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...
Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?
"What...you coming empty handed?"
Degree
A grandma is shopping with her grandson.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back"!
A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name?
The grandma replied "Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back
My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful
My 11-year-old grandson spent
a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, Someday, you're going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom's basement playing video games all day!
His reply: I can only dream.
An old man is dying..
His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
A Jewish Grandmother and her Grandson are walking on the beach...
When a wave comes over the grandson and takes him under. The grandmother falls to her knees and begs, "Oh God! Please bring back my grandson!"
Another wave crashes, and the grandson is soaked, but otherwise unharmed. The grandmother looks to the skies and says, "Where's his hat?"
A grandfather is telling his grandson war stories...
Grandfather: Did I ever tell you about the time we destroyed the opposing forces?
Grandson: I don't think you have...
Grandfather: it was hundred to two... Clearly outmatched. But we destroyed them both!
This actually happened to me yesterday with my grandpa
Grandpa: *pointing to the newspaper* hey buddy, can you hand me the sports section
Grandson: sure *hands him the sports section*
Grandpa: no, no, no, not that *he reaches over and grabs a different section*
Grandson: but that's the obituaries grandpa...
Grandpa: yeah but when you're my age this is the sports sections
A young grandson is talking to his grandfather.
"You know grandpa. Our generation is so much better then yours. We have video games, the internet, cell phones and so much cool technology. Your generation didn't have any of that!"
His grandfather replies;
"You're right, we didn't have any of those things around. That's why we had to invent them!"
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
A boy in Russia asks his Grandpa...
Grandpa? asked a little boy, Is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Plant?
Yes, it's true, said the grandpa, and patted his grandson's head.
Is it also true that no one was harmed and there were no consequences whatsoever?
Yes, it's true, said the grandpa, and patted the grandson's second head.
How to Live a Long Life
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Farmer Smartass
A grandson goes to visit his grandfather's farm. He asks his grandfather, "Why does that chicken house have two doors?"
The grandfather replies, "It has two doors because it's a chicken coop. The one over there with four doors is a chicken sedan."
An elderly man takes his grandson golfing,
Once they were at their first hole the grandfather remarks, y'know when I was your age I could hit the ball right over that big ash tree over yonder. The boy looks and sees it is quite a hit and not wanting to be out done he whacks one right dead center and it sticks right in the trunk. As he stood there impressed by his grandfathers feat, the man finished his comment, 'course when I was your age that tree was 'bout 3 feet tall
An old man asks his grandson "What was that German who keeps hiding my stuff called?"
The grandson replies "Alzheimer".
A Grandfather talks to his grandson
Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke, some chips, and a tub of ice cream
Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem gawddam cameras around!
Growing up my grandma loved reading me Mark Twain. It combined her to favorite activities,
Spending time with her grandson and using the N word.
It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.
My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"
Secret to long life
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder into your oatmeal.
The grandson took his words seriously and ate gunpowder sprinkled oatmeal everyday. He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 9 grandchildren, 13 great grandchildren and one 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A Grandmother Asks His Grandson: Hey, what is the name of that german guy that always hides my stuff?
Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer.
Three generations were having brunch together
The grandson looks over at his newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
The father, not to be outdone, looks over to his wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "You old charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"
"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."
Mr. Johnson was playing in his frontyard with his fav grandson Toby when he saw Toby's teacher approaching
Mr. Johnson : "Toby go hide now, boy. It's your teacher. Aren't you skipping school?"
Toby : "Oh no! You go hide grandpa! Quick! Now!"
Mr. Johnson "Why should I? You're the one skipping school here!"
Toby : "That's the problem, grandpa. I told Mr. Anderson you died this morning. That's why i'm skipping school"
Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar
...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..
Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.
A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow"?
You're coming empty handed"?
Grandpa: You can tell if a guy is gay from the color of his underwear.
Grandson: You mean like if they're pink, or purple?
Grandpa: What the h**... is wrong with a guy wearing pink or purple?! No, no, no: white stains on the back side, brown stains on the front!
Grandson Talking to His Grandfather:
"Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?"
Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask"
Killer
A grandson asks his grandfather:
Grampa did you get to kill anyone when you were in the army?
Yes, I killed more than 50 men.
But I tought you were an helicopter mechanic!
Yes, but not a good one.
A visit to my grandmother
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.
When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
An old man is talking to his grandson about how things were cheaper when he was a boy
He said that when he was a boy he could walk into a shop with £5 and walk out with a loaf of bread and milk coffee a tub of butter some bacon a pack of cigarettes and a news paper. The boy said that's amazing can I do that. The old man said no. You can't do that nowadays there are too many security cameras.
A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
A grandma asks her grandson if he'd like to go shopping with her.
The grandson responds "Not now, Grandma, I'm watching a soccer game!"
"Oh, really? Who's playing?"
"Czechs on Slovakia!"
"Against who?"
One of my older friends called me the other day
He was born in the 50's and his grandson's birthday was coming up.
He was planning on getting him one of those toys that are supposed to always come back. He couldn't remember what it was called, so I reminded him.
Long story short, the boomer rang.
A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"
"Yes, there was"
answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.
"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"
"Yes, absolutely"
answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.
Ol' Jed
Ol' Jed was sitting on his porch when his youngest grandson walked up to him.
"Granpa, how did you get to live so to be so old?"
"What, I'm only 85!" he exclaimed before snorting. "Well, let me tell you something. Every morning I sprinkle just a little gunpowder into my oatmeal. It's good for the heart!"
"Gunpowder!? No way! Are you joshin' with me?"
"Nope! Mark my words. Just a little pinch every morning. You'll see."
Sure enough, Ol' Jed lived another 14 years before leaving behind 7 kids, 10 grand kids, 18 great-grand kids, and a 9 foot hole in the Crematorium wall...
Brand new Grandson
My brand new baby Grandson's cord fell off today. Mom says he's officially wireless!
A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson
A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson. She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved. At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?
The boy replied I'm just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.
Today is the only day in my new grandson's life that he can't say I wasn't born yesterday .
Because he was. We are stoked btw
a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day
When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.
She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
Wedding Bells
If the actress Tuesday Wells married the grandson of director Frederick March, would she become Tuesday March the third?
visiting grandma...
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
Train
Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you. " "Why not? " replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute. "
There's an old man who lives next door to me.
He wanted to get his grandson a gift for his birthday, but he couldn't remember the name.
He called me and asked me about the name of that toy that "always comes back to you".
Long story short, the boomer rang.
Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.
The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.
A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?
Terrible, he said. They won't let me f**....
A grandmother is watching her grandson....
A grandmother is watching her grandson play on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She looks up and pleads, Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: He had a hat!
An old man was visiting his daughter and grandson
During the visit, the grandson crawled up into his lap and said "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"
"Why sure!" the man said & offered several croaking ribbit sounds.
Delighted, the boy jumped down and ran over to a nearby closet, working hard to remove a suitcase from the back.
"Now why do you need that all of a sudden?" the grandfather asked.
And the boy replied "Because Mama says we can go to Disney World when you croak!"
A Grandfather tells his Grandson, "When I was a boy, you could go into a store with change in your pocket, and come out with a loaf of bread, lunch meat, and a bottle of milk.
The Grandson replies, " You can't do that anymore Grandpa, there's too many cameras now".
