Grandson Jokes

I asked my three year old grandson Malachi what his name was, he replied, "Spiderman.

" I said, "Malachi, what is your real name?" He replied, "Peter Parker."

A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back."
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

An old ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.

A Shlep on the Beach

A woman is at the beach with her grandson when a huge wave suddenly washes the boy out to sea. Grief-stricken, she falls on her knees, looks up to the sky and implores: "Oh God, return my grandson to me and I'll give all my money to the synagogue and devote my life to prayer and good works!"
Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and another wave washes the boy back on the beach, completely unharmed. Once again the woman looks up to the heavens and cries out:
"He had a hat!"

A Child Didn't Attend School

Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"

The Good Old Days!

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
"Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look." 

My grandson gets home

from school and says these kids were telling him the Liberty
Bell was cracked because hummingbirds thought it was a giant flower
and kept crashing into it."Well that's a humdinger if ever I heard one."

A man is lying in is deathbed...

And he is saying goodbyes. His grandson comes to his side, and he asks a final question: "Before I die, I want to have one last taste of your mother's gazpacho. Please, go to her."
The little boy leaves and returns. "Where's the gazpacho?" the old man asks.
"Mommy says its for after."

Gand father sits with his Grandson in a pub

He leans over to his Grandson and says "Laddy, you see that pier out in the water? I built that with me own hands. I planed it straight, and sanded it smooth, but do they call me MacGregor the Pier Builder? No." "And Laddy, you see the bar here? I built it as well, even hand carved the ends. But do they call me MacGregor the Bar Builder? Nooo."
"Listen here Son, you screw ONE goat"...

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

I'm surprisingly calm about Internet spoiling Star Wars to me. Who could believe Kylo Ren is actually vegetarian and grandson of General Akbar

Standing behind a lady at Home Depot. Heard her ask for suggestions for tools to buy her grandson who was studying to be a quantum mechanic.

Degree

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back"!
A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name?
The grandma replied "Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back

My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful

My 11-year-old grandson spent 
a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, Someday, you're going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom's basement playing video games all day!
His reply: I can only dream.

Grandad: hey Sonny, what's the name of that German?

Grandson: for the thousandth time grandad, it's Alzheimer

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

After 10 years struggling in Engineering School, my grandson told me he's going to quit.

I said "Well, it's your life and your decision. I still believe some day I'll graduate."

This actually happened to me yesterday with my grandpa

Grandpa: *pointing to the newspaper* hey buddy, can you hand me the sports section
Grandson: sure *hands him the sports section*
Grandpa: no, no, no, not that *he reaches over and grabs a different section*
Grandson: but that's the obituaries grandpa...
Grandpa: yeah but when you're my age this is the sports sections

A young grandson is talking to his grandfather.

"You know grandpa. Our generation is so much better then yours. We have video games, the internet, cell phones and so much cool technology. Your generation didn't have any of that!"
His grandfather replies;
"You're right, we didn't have any of those things around. That's why we had to invent them!"

An Indian was teaching his grandson how to hunt.

He looks down at the ground and says, "White man was here."
His grandson says, "Really?! How can you tell?"
"Yellow snow. He wrote his name"

An old man said to his grandson playing on a tablet...You younger generation are too dependent on technology.

His grandson said...Which one of us needs a pacemaker to live?

Farmer Smartass

A grandson goes to visit his grandfather's farm. He asks his grandfather, "Why does that chicken house have two doors?"
The grandfather replies, "It has two doors because it's a chicken coop. The one over there with four doors is a chicken sedan."

What did Bill Gates' grandson say when he formed a new AI company?

no one will ever need more than 640K humans on earth.

An elderly man takes his grandson golfing,

Once they were at their first hole the grandfather remarks, y'know when I was your age I could hit the ball right over that big ash tree over yonder. The boy looks and sees it is quite a hit and not wanting to be out done he whacks one right dead center and it sticks right in the trunk. As he stood there impressed by his grandfathers feat, the man finished his comment, 'course when I was your age that tree was 'bout 3 feet tall

a grandson is talking to his very ill grandmother and asks her whether she would prefer to be buried or cremated...

and she replies.
"Surprise me"

Paws

What did the grandma cat say to her grandson when she saw him slouching?
A: You need to pay more attention to my pawsture.

A grandpa and his 10 year old grandson are at a restaurant...

While they are eating, a baby screams across the restaurant.
The grandpa says "Was that you?"
The 10 year old looked very mad while the grandpa laughed
The next day, the two are watching a world war II movie
During the movie a soldier screams
The boy says "Was that you?"
The grandpa says "No that was Jeremy"

Growing up my grandma loved reading me Mark Twain. It combined her to favorite activities,

Spending time with her grandson and using the N word.

Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day...

2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!
Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

Mr. Johnson was playing in his frontyard with his fav grandson Toby when he saw Toby's teacher approaching

Mr. Johnson : "Toby go hide now, boy. It's your teacher. Aren't you skipping school?"
Toby : "Oh no! You go hide grandpa! Quick! Now!"
Mr. Johnson "Why should I? You're the one skipping school here!"
Toby : "That's the problem, grandpa. I told Mr. Anderson you died this morning. That's why i'm skipping school"

Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar

...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..
Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.

Killer

A grandson asks his grandfather:
Grampa did you get to kill anyone when you were in the army?
Yes, I killed more than 50 men.
But I tought you were an helicopter mechanic!
Yes, but not a good one.

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

One of my older friends called me the other day

He was born in the 50's and his grandson's birthday was coming up.
He was planning on getting him one of those toys that are supposed to always come back. He couldn't remember what it was called, so I reminded him.
Long story short, the boomer rang.

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"

"Yes, there was"
answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.
"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"
"Yes, absolutely"
answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

Ol' Jed

Ol' Jed was sitting on his porch when his youngest grandson walked up to him.
"Granpa, how did you get to live so to be so old?"
"What, I'm only 85!" he exclaimed before snorting. "Well, let me tell you something. Every morning I sprinkle just a little gunpowder into my oatmeal. It's good for the heart!"
"Gunpowder!? No way! Are you joshin' with me?"
"Nope! Mark my words. Just a little pinch every morning. You'll see."
Sure enough, Ol' Jed lived another 14 years before leaving behind 7 kids, 10 grand kids, 18 great-grand kids, and a 9 foot hole in the Crematorium wall...

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson. She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved. At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?
The boy replied I'm just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"

Train

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you. " "Why not? " replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute. "