Grand Jokes

185 grand jokes and hilarious grand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you ready for some enormous and big laughs? This article has got it all! From Grand Canyon jokes to piano jokes, you'll be rolling on the floor laughing at these grand jokes. Get ready to laugh so hard you'll forget the Grand National and Grand Prix!

Quick Jump To

Short Grand Jokes
Grand One Liners
Grand Canyon Jokes
Grand Theft Auto Jokes
Two Grand Jokes
Grand Wizard Jokes
Grand National Jokes
More Grand Jokes

Funniest Grand Short Jokes

Short grand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grand humour may include short grave jokes also.

Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door. That way, I always make a grand entrance.
What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold? An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.
TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom. But not twice.
My wife reminds me of Ariana Grande. She'll say Don't forget, next Wednesday we're seeing Ariana Grande
What does Grand Theft Auto and Europe in the 1930s have in common? If you have a star, you're being chased
Donald Trump was the President of United States It's not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.
Did you hear about the starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later
My grand father fought in WW2. Whenever I bring it up, he says he never wants to talk about it again. What a sore loser
What does Ariana Grande want to be when she grows up? Ariana Venti
\*Thanks to my dad for this one
Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits? Because they're friends with grand wizards.

Share These Grand Jokes With Friends

Grand One Liners

Which grand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grand? I can suggest the ones about grad and gross.

What do you call a $1000 door? A grand entrance
What do you call Rihanna if she gets fat? A Rihanna Grande
What is the best Dad joke? A Grand-Dad joke.
To all the philosophy majors out there... Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?
What do you call a fat Rihanna? Arihanna Grande
What do you call an artist bigger than Rihanna? A Rihanna Grande
Why do orphans play Grand Theft Auto So they can be wanted.
Why is Grand Moff Tarkin single? He keeps looking for love in Alderann places.
In North Korea... [edited] everything is grand and prosperous and USA is smelly
What do you call a thousand dollar door? A grand entrance.
I hear they took Aaron Hernandez out of Madden and put him in Grand Theft Auto V.
Sorry to hear about your dementia... But do you have that 10 grand you owe me?
Spend $/£1000 on your front door That way, you can make a grand entrance
What do you call a fat Ariana Grande? A grande Ariana.
Why did your dad visit the grand canyon last night? Because your mom was in the mood.

Grand Canyon Jokes

Here is a list of funny grand canyon jokes and even better grand canyon puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I tried to get the Russian government to throw all of their old leaders in the Grand Canyon but they refused. Nobody understands my Tzar Chasm...
Have you read the book Grand Canyon mishap? It was written by Illen Dover and Phil Lin.
My wife and I recently went on a trip to Arizona, but we got into a fight about whether we should go to Meteor Crater or the Grand Canyon. It was a whole thing.
The Grand Canyon is so beautiful Or should I say gorge-ous!
What does the Pope say when the Grand Canyon starts to flash flood? God, dam it.
How beautiful is the Grand Canyon? It's just gorges
At some point out there... There's a teenage girl that's taking pictures of the Grand Canyon with the camera in Portrait mode.
Why you should definitely visit the Grand Canyon... Well... it's just plain *gorge*-ous
Overheard this at Grand Canyon. "Why do they put chicken wire around these plants? Other guy:" To protect the chicken plants"
Yo mama so fat whet she took her first step the grand canyon was made

Grand Theft Auto Jokes

Here is a list of funny grand theft auto jokes and even better grand theft auto puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I got bored the other day so I decided to play a game of grand theft auto The local police did NOT appreciate that
Grand Theft Auto 6 just announced. Already criticized for displaying "excessive and gratuitous violence towards pedestrians". Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.
Play a real life version of 'Grand Theft Auto' By spending the day in Manchester.
PokemonGo became old, I am more excited for... Grand Theft Auto GO.
Rockstar has pretty much confirmed it's making a new Red Dead ... ... Grand Theft Auto V dlc with new customizable skins inspired by attire in the famous western-themed game.
What do you call an Argentinian victim of grand theft auto? Carlos
I have a Yelp Page My restaurant, Grand Theft Auto, is doing well, but I can't seem to get 5 stars
What do you call it when two big polish guy's push a car? Grand theft Auto
What do you call a game about The Purge? Grand Theft Auto
I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having s**... with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly... I can teach him about these for free.

Grand joke, I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having s**... with prostitutes, stealing from innocent

Two Grand Jokes

Here is a list of funny two grand jokes and even better two grand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Since the wife left me I've bought a motorbike, got a dog, slept with two women, and blown a grand on drink and drugs. She'll go mad when she gets home from work.
I had dinner once with a Chess Grand Master in a restaurant with checked tablecloths.. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Incredible Tennis statistic... Novak is the first person to lose a Grand Slam after only missing two shots.
I had an unrealistic dream about having several thousand dollars last night Turns out it was two grand.
Part of our choir got kidnapped last week! Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.
Did you know that Ariana Grande has two sisters? Their names are Ariana Tall and Ariana Venti.
I think hospital cafeterias should serve Seizure Salads... They can come in two sizes--Petite and Grand Mal
Did you hear about the two tinkers that got divorced? Ah it's grand. They're still cousins.

Grand Wizard Jokes

Here is a list of funny grand wizard jokes and even better grand wizard puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Donald Trump's family bought him a Gandalf the Grey costume for his birthday. Unfortunately, this wasn't the sort of Grand Wizard outfit he had in mind...
My grandpa was part of the cool kid club when he was younger. Since he was the leader he got a cool nickname: The Grand Wizard
Did you hear the one about the grand wizard who really need to use the bathroom? They said he had to pee like a racist horse. No?
So I was role playing with my wife last night Apparently telling her, "I will report you to the Grand Wizard!", is too much for an i**... couple.
If the Grand Wizard of the k**... taught at Hogwarts what would he teach? Defense against the *dark* arts.
What did the Grand Wizard of the k**... name his new fleet of planes? n**...-AIR
I don't understand why they call the leader of the k**... the 'Grand Wizard' I mean, the only magic trick that he can even do is that he can make some black people disappear
God and the k**... A k**... grand wizard makes it to heaven and he manages to convince god to join, but he must have misunderstood when the wizard said he wanted all black guys to be "hung".
I just picked my class for the new k**...-themed MMORPG out next month. Grand Wizard

Grand National Jokes

Here is a list of funny grand national jokes and even better grand national puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day?
He fell in love with the Grand National winner!
The doctor said to watch what i eat... ..so i bought tickets to the grand nationals.

Grand joke, The doctor said to watch what i eat...

Laughable Grand Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about grand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grown jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grand pranks.

My grandfather warned people that the titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

Grandpa told me this

Guy lost his finger in a work accident
His wife was telling her friend about it
The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"
The wife replied "no, the one next to it"

My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up s**....

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."

Grandpa

Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!
Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?
Me: The judge told him.

Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....

I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.

Grandpa Always told me...

Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.

Why you don't ask grandma s**... questions

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.

My grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses

She drinks straight from the bottle.

My Grandma E-Mailed me this one

When you drink v**... over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink r**... over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

My grandmother laughed when I said I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti.

She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.

My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.

Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.

We think that's what killed her.

Grandma, how old are you?

"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"

Grandmas don't know everything.........

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called s**... i**... , darling.
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called s**... i**... . It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'

My grandfather had a s**... this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

From grandma: Why do women wear p**... with flowers on them?

In memory of all the faces that were buried there.

I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin

Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.

What did 50 cent's grandma say to him when he gave her a hand woven scarf for mother's day?

G u knit?

When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

How did our grandparents killed time when there were no Smartphones and Internet?

I already asked my mom, her four sisters and five brothers.

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."

I wish I'd thought of that quote.

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...

...so I told her to roll them tighter.

My grandma caught me m... and she had a s......

She has such soft hands...

My grandpa always said...

They were so poor, if he wasn't born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with.

My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident

They will be mist... :'(

My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone.

When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me

My Grandfather has the heart of a lion!

And a ban from the cincinnati zoo

My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology.

I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her f**...

She'd be spinning in her ditch

My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government.

Visitors only see the nice china.

My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."

He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…

My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet.

I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.

My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player

He only ever lost once

What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?
I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano...

... A wise man gives his wife an upright o**....

My grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a living.

The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous.

Grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2

He was the s**... mechanic the luftwaffe had.

My grandfather died at auschwitz

He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.

When my grandpa died he f**... and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...

Then he got kicked out of the theater.

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

A grandmother goes to the doctor

A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the n**..."
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit s**... and shoots herself in the knee"

My grandfather saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink, but no one listened

He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema

My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.

My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings

Being in Canada helped.

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

My grandfather was a very intelligent man.

He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game!

Who's playing?
Austria-Hungary
Against who?

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...

Says he has always been able to count on them.

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid

"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. Did God make you, PopPop? the girl asks.

Yep! He certainly did, the old man answers.

And did he make me too? she asks next.

Of course he did, the old man answers again.

Well, she replies, he's certainly getting better at it.

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I s**... myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have s**... myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean g**..., go fetch me some toilet paper."

My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens.

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.

My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three

You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee

‌‌Our w‌‌hole f‌‌amily i‌‌s r‌‌eally w‌‌orried a‌‌bout m‌‌y g‌‌randfather's V‌‌iagra a‌‌ddiction.

Grandma i‌‌s t‌‌aking i‌‌t p‌‌articularly h‌‌ard.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

My Grandmother found and flushed my w**... so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

When your appendix is removed it's called an appendectomy.

When your u**... is removed it's called a hysterectomy. What's it called when you have a growth removed from your head? A haircut.

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII.

Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".