Grandpa Jokes
153 grandpa jokes and hilarious grandpa puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grandpa that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover a collection of hilarious grandpa jokes that will make you laugh. Featuring funny quips about grandpa birthdays, fart jokes, grandpa Joe, grandparent relationships with their grandkids, and more. Perfect for sharing with your grandpa or grandkids on their birthdays or as part of a family gathering.
Quick Jump To
- Short Grandpa Jokes
- Grandpa One Liners
- Grandpa And Grandma Jokes
- Grandma And Grandpa Jokes
- Grandpa And Grandson Jokes
- Dead Grandpa Jokes
- Grandpa Birthday Jokes
- More Grandpa Jokes
Funniest Grandpa Short Jokes
Short grandpa jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grandpa humour may include short granddad jokes also.
- My grandpa warned people the titanic would sink and no one listened. He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
- My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology. Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
- My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink. When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
- What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet? I mean, didn't they get bored?
I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either. - I asked my grandpa.. I asked my grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?
Grandpa: I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her. - From my 91 year old grandpa Q: What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A: You can't hear a vita-min. - Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa - Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game! Who's playing?
Austria-Hungary
Against who? - Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I'm pregnant? Me: Leave that to me
*later at dinner*
Her dad: *coughs* I need water
Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water! - I was talking to my grandfather When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support.
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Grandpa One Liners
Which grandpa one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grandpa? I can suggest the ones about grandma and granny.
- Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
- 1990 Grandpa: "Get off my lawn, you little brats!" 2048 Grandpa: "Get off my LAN faggots"
- Shoutout to my grandpa That's the only way he can hear
- I made a little sandcastle with my grandpa. Now I'm banned from the crematorium.
- My grandpa survived both the hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings. Being in Australia helped.
- Yesterday I watched "Get Out" with my racist grandpa He thought it was a documentatary.
- What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock? "Look Grandpa, no hands!"
- I can still remember my Grandpa's last words to me: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
- My grandpa was buried with his entire butter making kit. He'll be churning in his grave.
- Kid: I played with grandpa today! Mom *angry*: I told you not to dig in the sandbox!
- My grandpa has got the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the zoo.
- My grandpa died in a concentration camp. Poor guy fell out of the guard tower.
- My grandpa said he was built upside down He said his nose runs and his feet smell.
- I just got a call from my australian grandpa! A boomer rang.
- What does rock music and my grandpa have in common? The Strokes
Grandpa And Grandma Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandpa and grandma jokes and even better grandpa and grandma puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my grandpa, after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What's your secret? Grandpa, I forgot her name 5 years ago, I'm too scared to ask her.
- My grandpa was telling me about how his and my grandma's anniversary was coming up. He told me they'd been together so long, they were on their second bottle of tabasco.
- Boy talking to Grandpa. Boy: Grandpa can you make a noise like a frog?
Grandpa: No I can't, why do you ask?
Boy: Well Grandma said I can go to Disney Land when you croak.. - After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She's hidden his teeth.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like Grandpa did.. ..not screaming in panic like Grandma and my two aunts who where in the car with him.
- My grandma was beaten to death by my grandpa. Not as in, with like a stick or anything. He just died first.
- "What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?" i don't know why but this question was never answered by anyone from my 17 aunts and uncles.
- What do you call parents who teach abstinence only? Grandma and grandpa.
- I was doing some good coke... When my Grandma caught me. She asked me what am I doing with grandpa's ashes.
- A little girl asks her grandfather why he always calls grandma "sweetie", "honey", and the like Grandpa says "well it's because I've forgotten her name for a few years now and I'm scared to ask".
Grandma And Grandpa Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandma and grandpa jokes and even better grandma and grandpa puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is pink and wrinkly and hangs out grandpas trousers? Grandma
- "Grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?" When her sister dumped me.
- My grandma bought my grandpa a new pair of pants. When she asked how they fit, he responded "like a cheap castle. There's no ball room."
- Why is grandpa fine with performing tricks, but gets mad if you ask grandma? It took him forever to get her off that street corner.
- Whats gray and found between grandpa's legs? Grandma on his birthday.
- Grandpa putting cream cheese on Grandma's breast was surprising. Nobody expected a pap shmear at brunch.
- What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed? Keep it up!
- 'Mom, I think I killed grandma!' 'You idiot! We still have half a grandpa in the freezer!'
- i asked my grandpa what was one of his biggest mistakes he wish he could take back he pointed at my grandma then at me then he left.
- My grandpa was on tv once, Till grandma yelled "Get off there your too heavy"
Grandpa And Grandson Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandpa and grandson jokes and even better grandpa and grandson puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance? Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."
- Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match Grandpa: who's playing?
Grandson: Czech and Slovakia
Grandpa: against who? - Nostalgic grandpa A grandfather to his grandson: when i was you age id grab $5 and get groceries for the entire week.
The grandson: We can't do that now grandpa..they have cameras installed. - What did the grandpa say to his grandson right before he kicked the bucket? Hey do you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?
- Food problems Grandfather:When I was a young boy we had to queue for a long time to get meat here in the USSR
Grandson:uhh...so grandpa what is meat? - A grandpa tells his grandson "Your generation depends too much on technology." The grandson unplugs his grandpa's life support.
Dead Grandpa Jokes
Here is a list of funny dead grandpa jokes and even better dead grandpa puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Skipping School Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"
Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!" - Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn't alive? Little Timmy: haha it's a chair nice try gra-
Grandpa:it's your dog Timmy he's dead - The other day, we took my Grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat your dead flesh. It's a lot cheaper than cremation.
- My grandpa is like this sub Dead
- A guy calls Newspaper office to print death news of his Grandpa. Clerk: $50 per word…
Guy: Grandpa Dead
Clerk: Sorry Sir, Minimum 5 words required…
Guy: Grandpa Dead, Wheelchair for Sale - Kid: I want to give grandpa tickets to a Michael Jackson show! Dad: you can't, he's been dead for years now, and so is Michael Jackson.
- Let's prank a follower of a dead ill-minded, h**... addicted depraved grandpa that died poor?
Grandpa Birthday Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandpa birthday jokes and even better grandpa birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- On my birthday, my grandfather pulled me aside and said, You remind me so much of your father. I said, Wow! Thanks, Grandpa.
Grandfather: Your father was a disappointment too. - Happy Birthday question from grandpa Hey nephew are you trying to overtake me?
- I got an e**... for my grandpa's 100th birthday. She said that she would give him super s**.... He said "I'll take the soup."
Comedy Grandpa Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about grandpa you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean great grandfather jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grandpa pranks.
Son, I found a c**... in your room.
Gee thanks, Grandpa!
Why are you calling me Grandpa?
Because I couldn't find it yesterday.
Grandpa told me this
Guy lost his finger in a work accident
His wife was telling her friend about it
The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"
The wife replied "no, the one next to it"
Grandpa
Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!
Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?
Me: The judge told him.
Fish out of water.
I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.
I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".
She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."
So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"
She replied, "No, he's dead."
Stiff....
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"
GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....
I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.
Grandpa Always told me...
Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.
The Mystery of Childbirth
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him?
grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow
Your generation relies too much on technology.
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
My grandpa would always tell me...
that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.
The first time I introduced a girlfriend to my grandpa.
"What's your name again?"
"Claudia."
"Oh *Claudia*. I'm sorry my dear, I won't forget it again. Claudia may I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you know the difference between s**... and breakfast?"
"...Um, no.?"
"Would you like to have breakfast sometime?"
A joke my grandpa told me
A man goes to the doctor for a r**... exam. The doctor says "Sir, you really need to stop m**...."
The man, worried, asks "What? Why??"
The doctor replies "Because I'm trying to do my exam."
How did our grandparents killed time when there were no Smartphones and Internet?
I already asked my mom, her four sisters and five brothers.
An old man is walking in the hospital...
An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!
I asked my dad "What's it like having the best son in the world ?"
He replied "I don't know, you'll have to ask Grandpa."
A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport
He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"
My grandpa always said...
They were so poor, if he wasn't born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with.
My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident
They will be mist... :'(
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside...
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole.
"I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.
The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole.
The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.
A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.
"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.
"Yeah, I know. *That* money is from grandma."
A guys asks his grandpa how come he still calls his wife "darling" after being married for over 60 years.
the grandpa says : shush it, I forgot her name 30 years ago.
My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology.
I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
In America, it's called Alt Right
In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in argentina"
My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet.
I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.
Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!
Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
Gunpowder therapy
A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...
"Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"
Dad joke level grandpa: Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?
Because they're not-z's.
Grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age
and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".
I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died...
"are you still holding the ladder?"
I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket
How far do you think I can kick this bucket?
When my grandpa died he f**... and we thought he was still alive...
...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.
My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...
Then he got kicked out of the theater.
There's a father and a son sitting in their living room.
The son asked, "What's it like to have the greatest son in the world?"
The father replied, "I don't know, you'll have to ask your grandpa"
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa.
Not screaming in t**..., like the people on the back of his pick-up.
A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.
After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"
"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."
The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"
"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you not long ago."
The girl felt her own face and then her granddad's again, thought for a moment and then said, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.
Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe
What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?
I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.
3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers
The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."
While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "
The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "
The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"
He replied:"under the overpass of course! "
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...
Says he has always been able to count on them.
A man walks into a hardware store
So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:
A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em
Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)
An old man was sitting next to a kid
And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack...
So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate?
So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old
-And you think it's because he ate chocolate?
-No, it's because he minded his own business.
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.
He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I s**... myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have s**... myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean g**..., go fetch me some toilet paper."
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."
My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three
You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee
A Child walks in on his parents...
He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"
The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"
1 week later He walks in on his grandparents
He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"
The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son m**...
The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?
The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand
My grandpa died because we did not know his blood type
I will never forget his last words ...
Be positive
My friends Grandpa told us this when we were about 14, What did the one leg say to the other leg?
Check out Shorty he's growing a beard!
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa.
Because tomorrow he turns 81! Happy early bday grandpa!
My grandpa kept telling people that the Titanic was going to sink. They ignored him.
Eventually, they needed to throw him out the cinema.
My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.
Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
My fondest memory when I was a kid was building sandcastles with my grandpa.
I really enjoyed it until the day my mom hid the urn from me.
I calmly opened the door and said, Son, I found a c**... in your room. He looked up sheepishly and groaned, Thanks Grandpa.
Why did you call me Grandpa? I questioned.
He laughed nervously, Because I couldn't find it yesterday.
My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa.
Then my mom hid the urn from me.
Little girl goes to her grandpa..
"Grandpa, make a noise like a frog."
Grandpa asks, "why?"
"Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."
A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"
The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"
