The Best 67 Grandpa Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Grandpa jokes. There are some grandpa grandfather jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these grandpa papa puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Grandpa Jokes and Puns

Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

Grandpa told me this

Guy lost his finger in a work accident

His wife was telling her friend about it

The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"

The wife replied "no, the one next to it"

GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

Β 

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.Β  When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.Β  "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

Β 

"What?" said her Grandpa.

Β 

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!

Β 

Grandpa joke, GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Grandpa pooped in the living room again.

I had to put grandpa down today.

Grandpa ran away again.

I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.

And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....

I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.


Grandpa Always told me...

Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.

I was talking to my grandfather

When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support.

Grandpa joke, I was talking to my grandfather

My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.

Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

Your generation relies too much on technology.

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

The first time I introduced a girlfriend to my grandpa.

"What's your name again?"

"Claudia."

"Oh *Claudia*. I'm sorry my dear, I won't forget it again. Claudia may I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you know the difference between sex and breakfast?"

"...Um, no.?"

"Would you like to have breakfast sometime?"

You can explore grandpa lissina reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean grandpa granddaughter dad jokes. There are also grandpa puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


From my 91 year old grandpa

Q: What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A: You can't hear a vita-min.

An old man is walking in the hospital...

An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

I asked my dad "What's it like having the best son in the world ?"

He replied "I don't know, you'll have to ask Grandpa."

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"

"T-34, I was the gunner"

My grandpa always said...

They were so poor, if he wasn't born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with.

Grandpa joke, My grandpa always said...

My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident

They will be mist... :'(

Skipping School

Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"

Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

A guys asks his grandpa how come he still calls his wife "darling" after being married for over 60 years.

the grandpa says : shush it, I forgot her name 30 years ago.


Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa

My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology.

I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

In America, it's called Alt Right

In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in Argentina"

Shoutout to my grandpa

That's the only way he can hear

What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?

I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!

Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."

Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the funeral."

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...

"Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"

Dad joke level grandpa: Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?

Because they're not-z's.

1990 Grandpa: "Get off my lawn, you little brats!"

2048 Grandpa: "Get off my LAN faggots"

Grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died...

"are you still holding the ladder?"

I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket

How far do you think I can kick this bucket? Β 

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...

Then he got kicked out of the theater.

I asked my grandpa..

I asked my grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?

Grandpa: I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her.

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game!

Who's playing?
Austria-Hungary
Against who?

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"

He replied:"under the overpass of course! "

My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...

Says he has always been able to count on them.

A man walks into a hardware store

So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:

A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em

Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

An old man was sitting next to a kid

And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack...

So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate?

So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old

-And you think it's because he ate chocolate?

-No, it's because he minded his own business.

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?

Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened to me."

"That's not what I mean goddamnit, go fetch me some toilet paper."

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.

"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."

"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.

"Too many fuckin' cameras."

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I'm pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

A Child walks in on his parents...

He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"

The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"

1 week later He walks in on his grandparents

He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"

The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"

Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son masturbating

The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?

The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand

My grandpa kept telling people that the Titanic was going to sink. They ignored him.

Eventually, they needed to throw him out the cinema.

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa.

Then my mom hid the urn from me.

Little girl goes to her grandpa..

"Grandpa, make a noise like a frog."

Grandpa asks, "why?"

"Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

My Grandparents were Trekkies, and named my father after their favourite Captain

when I was young, I was frequently hoisted by my own Picard

When I die

I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

A before Viagara Joke

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm. Grandpa said, " Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."

The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives the boy $10.

The next day Grandpa comes out to where Junior is playing and gives the boy $20. The boy looked up in confusion and asked, "What's this for?"

Grandpa smiles and says, "That's from Grandma!"

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match

Grandpa: who's playing?

Grandson: Czech and Slovakia

Grandpa: against who?

My grandparents think that I depend too much on technology.

They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, no, your generation depends too much on technology.

Then I unplugged his life support.

Son: Dad, what does it feel like being father to the best son in the world?

Dad: Son, I can not answer that question, but I bet your grandpa can.

I asked my grandpa, after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What's your secret?

Grandpa, I forgot her name 5 years ago, I'm too scared to ask her.

Grandpa: You can tell if a guy is gay from the color of his underwear.

Grandson: You mean like if they're pink, or purple?

Grandpa: What the hell is wrong with a guy wearing pink or purple?! No, no, no: white stains on the back side, brown stains on the front!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the grandpa boy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working grandpa grampa piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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