Grandpa Jokes
134 grandpa jokes and hilarious grandpa puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grandpa that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover a collection of hilarious grandpa jokes that will make you laugh. Featuring funny quips about grandpa birthdays, fart jokes, grandpa Joe, grandparent relationships with their grandkids, and more. Perfect for sharing with your grandpa or grandkids on their birthdays or as part of a family gathering.
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Funniest Grandpa Short Jokes
Short grandpa jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grandpa humour may include short granddad jokes also.
- My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology. Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
- What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet? I mean, didn't they get bored?
I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either. - From my 91 year old grandpa Q: What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A: You can't hear a vita-min. - Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa - Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game! Who's playing?
Austria-Hungary
Against who? - Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I'm pregnant? Me: Leave that to me
*later at dinner*
Her dad: *coughs* I need water
Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water! - Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks." - Dad joke level grandpa: Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist? Because they're not-z's.
- Grandpa Always told me... Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet. - My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them... Says he has always been able to count on them.
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Grandpa One Liners
Which grandpa one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grandpa? I can suggest the ones about grandma and granny.
- Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
- Shoutout to my grandpa That's the only way he can hear
- I made a little sandcastle with my grandpa. Now I'm banned from the crematorium.
- Yesterday I watched "Get Out" with my racist grandpa He thought it was a documentatary.
- What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock? "Look Grandpa, no hands!"
- My grandpa was buried with his entire butter making kit. He'll be churning in his grave.
- Kid: I played with grandpa today! Mom *angry*: I told you not to dig in the sandbox!
- My grandpa has got the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the zoo.
- My grandpa said he was built upside down He said his nose runs and his feet smell.
- I just got a call from my australian grandpa! A boomer rang.
- What does rock music and my grandpa have in common? The Strokes
- What did the young digital clock say to its Grandfather clock? "Look Grandpa, no hands!"
- I asked my grandpa why it takes him so long to pee. He said The stream is buffering.
- I'm taller than my grandpa I'm 5.3 ft and he's -6 ft
- What does a WiFi Router and my grandpa have in common? an SS ID
Grandpa And Grandma Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandpa and grandma jokes and even better grandpa and grandma puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My grandpa was telling me about how his and my grandma's anniversary was coming up. He told me they'd been together so long, they were on their second bottle of tabasco.
- After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She's hidden his teeth.
- "What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?" i don't know why but this question was never answered by anyone from my 17 aunts and uncles.
- What do you call parents who teach abstinence only? Grandma and grandpa.
- I was doing some good coke... When my Grandma caught me. She asked me what am I doing with grandpa's ashes.
- A little girl asks her grandfather why he always calls grandma "sweetie", "honey", and the like Grandpa says "well it's because I've forgotten her name for a few years now and I'm scared to ask".
- "Grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?" When her sister dumped me.
- Why is grandpa fine with performing tricks, but gets mad if you ask grandma? It took him forever to get her off that street corner.
- Whats gray and found between grandpa's legs? Grandma on his birthday.
- i asked my grandpa what was one of his biggest mistakes he wish he could take back he pointed at my grandma then at me then he left.
Grandma And Grandpa Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandma and grandpa jokes and even better grandma and grandpa puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My grandpa was on tv once, Till grandma yelled "Get off there your too heavy"
Grandpa And Grandson Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandpa and grandson jokes and even better grandpa and grandson puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match Grandpa: who's playing?
Grandson: Czech and Slovakia
Grandpa: against who? - Food problems Grandfather:When I was a young boy we had to queue for a long time to get meat here in the USSR
Grandson:uhh...so grandpa what is meat?
Dead Grandpa Jokes
Here is a list of funny dead grandpa jokes and even better dead grandpa puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn't alive? Little Timmy: haha it's a chair nice try gra-
Grandpa:it's your dog Timmy he's dead - My grandpa is like this sub Dead
- A guy calls Newspaper office to print death news of his Grandpa. Clerk: $50 per word…
Guy: Grandpa Dead
Clerk: Sorry Sir, Minimum 5 words required…
Guy: Grandpa Dead, Wheelchair for Sale - Kid: I want to give grandpa tickets to a Michael Jackson show! Dad: you can't, he's been dead for years now, and so is Michael Jackson.
Grandpa Birthday Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandpa birthday jokes and even better grandpa birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Happy Birthday question from grandpa Hey nephew are you trying to overtake me?
Comedy Grandpa Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about grandpa you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean great grandfather jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grandpa pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Son, I found a c**... in your room.
Gee thanks, Grandpa!
Why are you calling me Grandpa?
Because I couldn't find it yesterday.
Grandpa told me this
Guy lost his finger in a work accident
His wife was telling her friend about it
The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"
The wife replied "no, the one next to it"
My grandpa dropped this one on me over the phone.
I'll see you in church, make sure you sit by the window.
Grandpa
Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!
Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?
Me: The judge told him.
My grandpa was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease....
which is good because he likes to meet new people.
Fish out of water.
I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.
I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".
She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."
So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"
She replied, "No, he's dead."
Stiff....
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"
My grandpa always told me to take every opportunity to hit two birds with one stone.
He hated birds. [](/celestlol)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....
I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.
A man goes into the bathroom to take a dump.
When he's done, he realizes there's no toilet paper. Knocking on the stall next to him, he asks, "Hey, do have an extra roll of toilet paper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have a newspaper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have an old handkerchief?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have change for a five?"
Got this one from my grandpa.
The Mystery of Childbirth
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
My Grandpa told me this joke when I was 16... It took me a few years to understand it.
How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him?
grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
GRANDPA'S CONDOMS
An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
A dad puts his little girl to sleep...
And the girl says, "Goodbye Grandpa" and the dad asks why she said grandpa, the girl replied, "I don't know it just felt right".
The next day the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence.
The dad puts the girl to sleep and a few months later she says, "Goodbye Grandma" and the dad went along with it.
The next day the grandma died and the dad thought that she knew who would die next!
Several weeks later, the dad puts his girl to sleep and the girl says, "Goodbye Daddy" and the dad freaked out when he left the room.
He stayed at the office until midnight jumping at every sound he heard. When he came to his house at 1am and crawls into the bed, his wife says
Wife :: Why were you at work so late?
Husband :: I had a terrible day..
Wife :: What happened?
Husband :: I don't want to talk about it.
Wife :: Well, you won't believe the day I had! My golf pro died right in front of me during golf lessons!
Edit : Formatting
Your generation relies too much on technology.
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The first time I introduced a girlfriend to my grandpa.
"What's your name again?"
"Claudia."
"Oh *Claudia*. I'm sorry my dear, I won't forget it again. Claudia may I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you know the difference between s**... and breakfast?"
"...Um, no.?"
"Would you like to have breakfast sometime?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke my grandpa told me
A man goes to the doctor for a r**... exam. The doctor says "Sir, you really need to stop m**...."
The man, worried, asks "What? Why??"
The doctor replies "Because I'm trying to do my exam."
An old man is walking in the hospital...
An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!
I asked my dad "What's it like having the best son in the world ?"
He replied "I don't know, you'll have to ask Grandpa."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.
Once we asked him if he knew what a s**... tape was.
He nodded thoughtfully. s**... tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy walks up to his grandpa..
and he says "Grandpa, what's it called when two people are in bed and one sleeps on top of the other?"
The grandpa decides to be frank and he says, "Well, it's called s**... i**...."
The boy runs back outside to play with the other kids. After a few minutes the boy runs back in the house and yells, "Grandpa! That's not called s**... i**.... it's called bunkbeds and Timmy's mom wants to talk to you!"
Nurse: "Oh jeez, was that you that fell 20 ft out of the tree?"
I don't know, I wasn't counting.
Not much of a joke but it was hilarious when my grandpa said it at the hospital (happened to him ofc).
A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport
He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between origami and a grandpa passing wind?
One is the art of the fold, the other, the f**... of the old.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate myself for laughing, but a joke my grandpa told me..
What do you call 5 black people having s**...?
A Three some.
My grandpa always said...
They were so poor, if he wasn't born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with.
My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident
They will be mist... :'(
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Skipping School
Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"
Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me:
What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?
You skip them both.
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside...
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole.
"I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.
The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole.
The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.
A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.
"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.
"Yeah, I know. *That* money is from grandma."
My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology.
I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
Yesterday, my grandpa bought a book called "how to prevent Alzheimer's disease"
He bought one today, too.
In America, it's called Alt Right
In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in argentina"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...
"Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age
and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'll always remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket
Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!
I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died...
"are you still holding the ladder?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my grandpa died he f**... and we thought he was still alive...
...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.
A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.
After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"
"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."
The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"
"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you not long ago."
The girl felt her own face and then her granddad's again, thought for a moment and then said, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?
I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.
There is a boy that went to school after 3 weeks of absence...
The teacher asks him:
-Why didn't you come to school in your first week of absence?
Boy:A brick fell on my grandma and we had to burry her.
Teacher:But second week?
Boy:A brick fell on my grandpa and we had to burry him.
Teacher:And the last week?
Boy:A brick fell on my dad and we had to burry him.
Teacher:But what were you doing all this time??
Boy:I was on the roof of my house playing with bricks.
How to catch a polar bear
This is the first joke I ever told my grandpa(I was so little I don't even remember it) but he told everyone he could about it up to the day he passed.
Do you know how to catch a polar bear grandpa?
No I don't short-stuff, how do you catch one?
You cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas, and when the polar bear goes to take a pea.
you kick him in the ice-hole.
He passed away 15 years ago this month and I still smile whenever I remember this joke.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... is like a chess game
1. The more you practice the better you play.
2. You need to watch your partner's every move.
3. The first game was with grandpa.
3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers
The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."
While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "
The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "
The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"
He replied:"under the overpass of course! "
My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.
About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.
Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."
Grandpa: "It's not just one! There are hundreds of them!"
A man walks into a hardware store
So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:
A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em
Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)
My grandpa was complaining about how participation trophies reward losing
So I asked him why he proudly displayed a Confederate Flag
Both my grandparents were midgets
They struggled to put food on the table their whole lives
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.
He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I s**... myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have s**... myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean g**..., go fetch me some toilet paper."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."
My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three
You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Child walks in on his parents...
He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"
The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"
1 week later He walks in on his grandparents
He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"
The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son m**...
The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?
The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand
My grandpa died because we did not know his blood type
I will never forget his last words ...
Be positive
My friends Grandpa told us this when we were about 14, What did the one leg say to the other leg?
Check out Shorty he's growing a beard!
Soviet joke my grandpa told me
Brezhnev is showing his mother how well he has done. He shows her his suite in the Kremlin, his country house with a fully stocked kitchen, his Black Sea villa, his limousine. She says: 'This is all really nice...but what will you do if the Bolsheviks come back?'
