grandpa Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious grandpa puns

Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

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1990 Grandpa: "Get off my lawn, you little brats!"

2048 Grandpa: "Get off my LAN faggots"

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My great Grandpa Randy was a brick layer...

He said, "I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.'

Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'

But you fuck just one goat.

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NSFW Can your dick touch your asshole?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said the boy. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, the boy was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" The young boy replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" the boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself."

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Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters?

Short

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My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.

Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

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When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

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My grandpa told me this one.

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..."
The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."

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I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

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What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?

I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

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Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy says "no"

"Well when you can touch your dick to your asshole, come back here and I'll share my whiskey with you."

Slightly offended the boy gets his cookies and begins to walk out of the room but his grandpa stops him.

"Hey kid, wanna give your old gramps one of those cookies?" he asks.

The boy turns to his grandpa and says "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Grandpa grows a big wide grin "I sure can!" he says.

"Good," says the boy "then Go fuck yourself. These are MY fucking cookies."

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I asked my grandpa..

I asked my grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?

Grandpa: I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her.

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Shoutout to my grandpa

That's the only way he can hear

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Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa...

There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor. The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?" Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter." Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, "Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!"

Grandpa says, "See you're getting smarter already."

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Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

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A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.Β  When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.Β  "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

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"What?" said her Grandpa.

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"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!

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From my 91 year old grandpa

Q: What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A: You can't hear a vita-min.

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Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"

Well not to be outdone my ego took over and I grabbed my 9 iron to hit it right over that tree. I took my shot and *THWACK* the ball hit dead center of the tree and bounced back 30 yards behind me. That's when he chimes in again:

"Of course when I was your age that tree was only 2 feet tall!"

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A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.

The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides it's just coincidence.

That night, the kid prayed again. "God bless mommy and daddy. Tata, grandma." He is a little worried, but decides to brush it off.

The next morning, grandma is dead. He is starting to freak out now, and decides to wait by the bedroom door when the kid prays again.

"God bless mommy. Tata, daddy." He absolutely flipped out, stayed awake that night and went to the doctor in the morning. When he got back, he found his wife waiting for him. And she said,

"Thank god you're here! I found the milkman dead on the porch this morning!"

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Dear Old Grandpa

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa."

The guard asked, "What's he like?"

"Jack Daniels and women with big tits," the boy replied.

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Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa

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Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game!

Who's playing?
Austria-Hungary
Against who?

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A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

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A little boy gets $5 for his birthday

He runs with it to the candy store and asks for $5 worth of candy.

The man behind the counter asks, do you really think it's wise to spend all your birthday money on candy?

The little boy thinks about it for a moment and replies, well, my grandpa did live to be 94...

By eating candy everyday? Asks the man, astounded.

No, replies the little boy, by minding his own goddamn business.

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My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Grandpa pooped in the living room again.

I had to put grandpa down today.

Grandpa ran away again.

I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.

And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

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A father is getting his daughter ready for bed...

during her bedtime prayer she said, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandpa." The father found that to be a little weird, but the following day the little girl's grandfather passed away.
The next night at bedtime her prayer was was similar, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough the following day, the little girl's grandma passed away.
The following night at bedtime the daughter gave the most terrifying prayer yet, "bless Mommy, bless my brother, goodbye Daddy." That night the father did not get one bit of sleep, and the following day he made every effort possible to be as careful as he could. Thankfully he made it through the day just fine. Arriving home he told his wife what a terrible day he had to which she interrupted him with, "Oh, you think you've had a horrible day? The milkman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!"

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I was watching The Avengers with my grandpa.

He was asking me all sorts of questions about the movie such as "Who's this character?" And "What about that character?". I explained the heroes as best I could. He finally asks me "Where's Superman?" So I try to explain that too. "Superman's owned by a different company, he's owned by DC, and these heroes in this movie are Marvel characters." He replies "What? The whole world is falling apart in this movie, but Superman can't get out of his contract to help?!"

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Taking grandson fishing...

A grandfather was taking his grandson fishing one day. While driving to the lake the grandfather grabbed a beer out of the cooler and popped the top.
Grandson: "Grandpa, grandpa, can I have a drink of your beer?"
Grandpa: "Well, let me ask you a question first. If you pull your pecker down is it long enough to touch your asshole?"
Grandson: "No sir"
Grandpa: "Well you can't have any of grandpa's beer until your old enough that it will."
A little while later, grandpa takes out a cigar and lights it up.
Grandson: "Grandpa, grandpa, can I taste your cigar?"
Grandpa: "Well, i'll ask you again. If you pull your pecker down is it long enough to touch your asshole?"
Grandson: "No sir"
Grandpa: "Like I said before, you can't have any of grandpa's cigar either until you are old enough that it will."
A few miles later, the grandson reaches in his pocket and pulls out some cookies in a ziplock baggie.
Grandpa: "Hey boy, are those some of your grandma's home baked cookies?"
Grandson: "Yes sir"
Grandpa: "I sure love grandma's cookies, let me have a couple of those, grandpa sure is hungry."
Grandson: "If you pull your pecker down will it touch your asshole?"
Grandpa: "It sure does"
Grandson: "Good, because you can go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."

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A small boy...

was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."

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Wise Italian Grandfather.

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.


An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."


"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"


"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "


"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.


"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

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My grandpa told me this one!

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."

An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."

As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.

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My Grandpa recently had to start using Viagra

Grandma took it pretty hard

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Curious Little Johnny

asks his Grandpa, "Do you still have sex with Grandma?"

"Yes son, but only oral sex."

"What is that?"

"I say fuck you, she says fuck you too."

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I was talking to my grandfather

When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support.

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The first time I introduced a girlfriend to my grandpa.

"What's your name again?"

"Claudia."

"Oh *Claudia*. I'm sorry my dear, I won't forget it again. Claudia may I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you know the difference between sex and breakfast?"

"...Um, no.?"

"Would you like to have breakfast sometime?"

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Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!

Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

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A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you not long ago."

The girl felt her own face and then her granddad's again, thought for a moment and then said, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

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My Grandpa said to me the other day, "Your generation relies too much on technology"

I replied, " no your generation relies too much on technology" then I unplugged his life support. Stupid asshole

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Dad joke level grandpa: Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?

Because they're not-z's.

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Grandpa Always told me...

Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.

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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words...

"Stop shaking the goddamn ladder you little shit!"

Oh grandpa.

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Little Tony

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."

The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?

Little Tony shakes his head and says

"No, he minded his own fucking business!"

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"Did you hear? Grandpa got burnt the other day."

"How badly?"

"Well they don't fuck around at the crematorium."

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3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"

He replied:"under the overpass of course! "

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My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...

Says he has always been able to count on them.

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My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

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During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

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The boy went to say his nightly prayers....

His father listened from the door as the boy said "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, God Bless Grandma, goodbye grandpa"
The next day the family awoke to found the grandpa dead, but brushed it off as an awful coincidence.
A few days go by and the boy is saying his prayer "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma."
Sure enough the next day she is dead, and the father is starting to really freak out.
A week goes by and the boy is saying his prayers "God bless mommy, goodbye Daddy"
The next day the father wakes up, goes to work, and stresses the entire day about his fate. When he gets home he is upset and wants to console with his wife. She is also upset and he asks what wrong.
She says "You'll never believe what happened today the mailman came to deliver the mail and dropped dead right on the doorstep"

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My grandpa died yesterday. Here's one of my favorite jokes he told. What are your favorite grandpa jokes?

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole. "Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson. "My goldfish died, so I'm burying him." replied young Sally. "Oh that's tragic. I'm very sorry for your loss. But why are you digging such a big hole for your goldfish?". "Because your goddamn cat ate it!"

My grandpa was always positive and loved telling jokes. What are your favorite grandpa jokes?

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Shoutout to my Grandpa

Because that's the only way he can hear.

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My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident

They will be mist... :'(

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Can I have some? nsfw

So this old man takes his grandson fishing. After a few minutes the grandpa pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. The kid says
"hey that looks pretty good can I have one?"
"can you touch your butthole with your pecker?" Says the grandpa..
The child replies "no."
"Then you are not old enough to have one."
A few minutes later the grandpa starts smoking a cigar.
"Hey grandpa that looks pretty good can I have one?"
Again the grandpa replies "can you touch your butthole with your pecker?"
"no" says the child.
"then you're not old enough to have one.."
A little time passes and the kid reaches into his bag and starts to eat some cookies. The grandpa says
"hey those look pretty good can I have one?" To which the kid replies
"can you touch your butthole with your pecker?"
"I sure as hell can!" Exclaims the grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself because these are my cookies!"

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I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...

"Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"

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The boss plans a business trip

He calls his secretary, tells her they will go on a business trip for a whole week. The secretary calls her husband, she will be off for a business trip next week. The husband calls his mistress, they can spend the next week together in the absence of the wife. The mistress calls a kid she teaches, there are no studies next week. The kid calls his grandpa (who happens to be the boss planning a business trip), he wants to visit him for the next week.

The boss calls his secretary, the trip is canceled as he will receive a special visit. The secretary calls her husband, the trip is canceled. The husband calls his mistress, the wife has canceled her trip. The mistress calls the kid, they will continue their studies next week. The kid call grandpa, he won't come to visit him.

The boss calls his secretary, the trip is on again...

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Tea Set

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe
2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because (as he put it) it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

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Grandma Knows...

A cup of tea made with cold water.

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea,' which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.

My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the
toilet?"

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A Georgian boy is getting married to a Russian girl

A Georgian boy is getting married to a Russian girl and his dad teaches him how to behave on their first night:
"First, throw her on the bed to know that Georgia is power".
"Then take off your clothes for her to know that georgia is beautiful".
And then grandpa adds:
"Then sit down and masturbate, for her to know that Georgia is independent".

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A Loving Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

Grandad smiled, and the woman said, William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......the little shit's name is Kevin."

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A smoker, an alcoholic, and a gay guy go see a psychiatrist...

The smoker says, "This filthy habit is ruining my life. My wife hates it, my kids hate it, my grandpa died from it, I just want to quit!"
The alcoholic says,"Alcohol has ruined every relationship I have ever had, I can't even hold down a job, I need to get off the bottle."
The gay guy says, "Ever since I came out, I have lost so many friends, even my family treats me differently. I just want things to back the way they were."
The psychiatrist hands each of them a pill telling them that it is an instant cure, they each gobble them down without thinking twice.
The psychiatrist then says, "The only thing is, if you ever has a smoke again, or if you have another drink again, or if you have any sexual contact with another man again, you will drop dead."
Afterwards, the three of them went to a restaurant, chilled by what the psychiatrist had just told them.
"I can't take this anymore, I need a drink!" The alcoholic goes up to the bar and slams down a shot. Drops dead.
The smoker and the gay guy look at each other in shock. The smoker says, "Oh God this is real, I need some fresh air." They go outside and on the table there is an ashtray which has half of a cigarette, still smoldering. The gay guy looks at the smoker and says, "If you bend over to pick up that cigarette, we're both dead.

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A guys asks his grandpa how come he still calls his wife "darling" after being married for over 60 years.

the grandpa says : shush it, I forgot her name 30 years ago.

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Earthworm

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

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I asked my dad "What's it like having the best son in the world ?"

He replied "I don't know, you'll have to ask Grandpa."

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He's Serving Her

Little Johnny went to visit his grandfather's farm for a holiday. While grandfather was showing him around the farm, he saw a cock doing his business with one of the hens, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?

Grandpa replied, "That's a cock, and that's a hen, and he's serving her."

Further on, Johnny saw a horse doing his business with a mare, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?

Grandpa replied, "That's a horse, and that's a mare, and he's serving her."

At dinner that night, Grandma said, "Grandpa, will you please serve the turkey?"

At that, little Johnny jumped up and said, "If he does that, I'm having a hamburger!"

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I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died...

"are you still holding the ladder?"

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A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bars...

A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar. A man sat down beside him and said, "You know you really shouldn't eat all those candy bars. They're bad for you." The little boy said, "My great grandpa lived to be 103". The man said, "Did he eat loads of candy bars?". The little boy said "No, he just minded his own fucking business".

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My Grandpa told me this one

A lady has been sitting at the bar all night pounding down drinks and she's completely hammered. She's so drunk that she can barely talk, but she's trying to converse with the bartender anyways.

"You know, I really like these martoonis," she slurs, "but I don't like the cherries in them, they give me heartburn."

The bartender looks at her for a minute, shakes his head and replys: "First of all, lady, those aren't martoonis, they're martinis. Second, those aren't cherries, they're olives. And that's not heartburn, your tit's in the ashtray.

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"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee thanks, grandpa."

"Why are you calling me grandpa?"

"Because I didn't find it yeterday."

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A boy sees his grandpa sipping whiskey on the porch and asks, can have some?

The grandpa says, does your dick touch your asshole? The boy says, no . Grandpa says, then no, you can't have any. Later that day the boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigar. He asks, hey can I try your cigar? Grandpa again asks, does your dick touch your asshole? The boy says no and his grandpa responds, then no, you can't have any. The next morning the grandpa comes into the kitchen and sees the boy eating cookies. He asks his grandson for a cookie and the boy asks, does your dick touch your asshole? The grandpa replies, yes, and without missing a beat the boy says, then go fuck yourself, grandma made these for me.

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A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"

"T-34, I was the gunner"

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits.

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3 kinds of married sex:

Before I got married, my grandpa pulled me aside and asked me if I knew everything I needed to know about sex. I told him I did, but he proceeded to educate me on the 3 kinds of sex I could expect now that I was going to have a wife.

"For the first 6 months to a year, you're going to be having 'Anywhere' sex," he told me. "That's where you'll do it in the kitchen, in the car, on the couch... anywhere."

"After that, there's a long period of 'Bedroom' sex. That's where you do it two or three times a month. Always in the bedroom, usually with the lights off. Finally, " he said, "comes 'Hallway' sex."

"What's that, Pappy?" I said.

"That's where you pass each other in the hall and say, 'Fuck you'."

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Assisted Living

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in an assisted living home.
Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their
abuelo...

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful, everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.


"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on

the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor".

"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
"Doctor"

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
F---ing Mexican"

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Grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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An old man is walking in the hospital...

An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

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Well son...

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then you can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then you can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

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The kids at middle school are studying WWII...

... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces:

"Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and one Fokker off to my right, so I..."

The class begins to snicker uncontrollably so teacher steps in.

"Now, class, before you start getting ideas, Fokker was the name of a German aeroplane manufacturer. Isn't that right, sir?"

"Yes, Ma'am!... these particular Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts, though..."

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My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

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My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...

Then he got kicked out of the theater.

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80yrs old grandpa calls the radio...

"Hello, I'd like to participate in the game!" he says.

"Wonderful! There are three questions, are you ready?"

"Of course!"

"First question then. What is it: it has two wheels and you can roll on it?"

"A bike!"

"Not bad, but we were thinking about a mountain bike, to be specific. Next question. What is it: it has four tyres, a steering wheel and an engine?"

"A car!"

"Not bad, but we were thinking about an Audi, to be specific. Last question, but you really have to answer correctly this time! What is it: it has wings, an engine, works with kerosene and you can fly with it?"

"A plane!"

"Not bad, but we were thinking about a Concorde, to be specific... Unfortunately, you didn't win, sorry. Maybe next time!"

"Can I ask a question too?" asks the grandpa.

"Sure."

"What is it: stands in the street and sells her body for money?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure that's a whore..."

"Not bad, but I was thinking about your mother, to be specific."

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A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

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Johnny is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure

Johnny is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure. The ground is covered in rabbit droppings. Johnny asks, "What are all of the pellets on the floor grandpa?"

His grandpa replies, "Oh those? Those are smart pills. You eat them and you get smarter."

Johnny likes the sound of that so he grabs a large handful of them and shoves them into his mouth, "Yuck! Grandpa, these taste like crap."

His grandpa replies, "You're getting smarter already."

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Your generation relies too much on technology.

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

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I will never forget that last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket"

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There's an old saying that goes: "The one who plants tamarinds, won't harvest tamarinds"

This is because this tree takes about 80-90 years to bear fruits.
Once, a young man found an old man planting tamarinds and he asked:
Grandpa, why are you planting tamarinds if you're never gonna harvest them?
Wisely, the older replied with a big smile:
Why don't you go and fuck yourself? This orchard is mine and I plant whatever the fuck I want.

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Theory and practice

A family is eating dinner: mom, dad, little Johnny, his sister and his grandpa are all sitting at the table. At some point little Johnny asks his father:
- Dad, what's the difference between theory and practice?
- I'll show you.
He turns to his wife and asks:
- Would you suck a stranger's dick for $10,000?
- Well, the bathroom needs a renovation and we're behind on our mortgage payments and even then there would still be enough left for a nice vacation... I mean it's just one blowjob, right?
Then he asks his daughter the same question
- That's a lot of cash, so yeah, I guess.
- How about you grandpa?
- When I was a lad, I worked 12 hours in a coal mine for a loaf of bread and a place to sleep, what's one blowjob for that kind of money...
The father turns to his son
-See, Johnny, in theory we have $30,000, but in practice, just two whores and a faggot under our roof.

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grandpa, can I have your cigar?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not old enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then you're not old enough enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!"

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A boy and his grandfather are playing outside...

A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole.

"I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.

The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole.

The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.

A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.

"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.

"Yeah, I know. *That* money is from grandma."

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In America, it's called Alt Right

In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in Argentina"

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My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

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Knock Knock

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave walked away crying because his grandpa had Alzheimer's.

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An old rooster vs. a cocky cock

My Grandpa used to tell me this one...
So one day in the chicken coop the farmer drops off a new, young, strong rooster from the market. The new cocky rooster tells the old rooster "This is my coop now, and these are my hens!" The old rooster tells him "Fine, if you can beat me in a race around the farm, it's all yours" The young rooster thinks "I'll give him his little race but after I am kicking him out no matter what."
So the two roosters take off around the farm, at first the young rooster is in the lead but when they get to the farmer's house the old rooster bursts ahead. Then suddenly...
"BLAM" the farmer shoots the young roosters head right off.
"God Dammit! That's the third gay rooster i bought from that damn market this week!"

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The duck hunter

Grandpa was a keen country sportsman and one day he decided to take his grandson shooting with him. Togged up in all his hunting gear, shotgun broken across his forearm, he proudly led little Jimmy down to the lake side. After waiting patiently for a while a lone duck came into view flying over the lake. "Now watch this Jimmy," says Grandpa. He takes careful aim and fires. The duck flies serenely on. "My boy," exclaims Grandpa, "you are witnessing a miracle. There flies a dead duck."

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Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."

Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the funeral."

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My grandpa has a heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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My grandpa says my generation relies too much on technology.

I said "No grandpa. Yours does" and then I unplugged his life support.

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Grandpa: What's the difference between a butt kisser and a brown-noser?

Depth perception

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My grandpa was too sick to hear my daily joke at lunch today so I wanted to share his favorite joke!

There's a blonde rowing a boat out in a cornfield when another blonde drives by and sees her. She pulls over and yells to the blonde in the field, "You're the reason people think blondes are so stupid, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

PS- Thanks to this sub for constantly providing me with hilarious jokes to tell my grandpa at lunch! He's an awesome man and really enjoyed the one about Congress being kidnapped the other day.

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Superman grandpa

On the first day of school the teacher asks the children to go home and ask for a family history story that has a morale in it. So one child comes to school the next day and tells the teacher this: you see, my grandpa was a bomber pilot. His plane was shot and he had to bail out. On his body was an empty bottle of whiskey, a knife and a gun. When he landed there were 20 enemy guards waiting for him. He killed fifteen men with the gun. Until it ran out of bullets. Killed 3 guys with his knife until the blade broke off, then killed the last 2 with his bare hands. Then the teacher reply's that was a very violent story and what was the morale?

Stay away from grandpa when he's drunk.

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Starch in your shorts! (Always makes me laugh:3)

Grandpa and Billy were working out in the garden.

Grandpa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.

"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.

Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.

After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed Grandpa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.

"Grandpa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."

"No," replied Grandpa, "That dollar's from grandma!"



(Not sure if repost :( )

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Skipping School

Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"

Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

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You know what my grandpa said to me right before he kicked the bucket?

Hey Billy how far do you think I can kick this bucket

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A boy is sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar...

And a jogger stops and says to the boy "Hey kid, you know it's bad for you to sit there eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar right?" The kid replies "Hey Mister, my grandpa lived to be 97 years old!" The man says "Really? Did he sit there eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar just like you?" The boy replies "No, but he minded his own fucking business! "

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Grandma's cookies

Little Jimmy was visiting his grandparents one day and noticed grandpa was getting ready to go fishing and asked if he could come with.

"Can your dick reach around to your ass?" asked grandpa.

"Well, no, it can't" said jimmy.

"Well then sorry squirt, you can't go".

Grandma saw how sad jimmy was that he couldn't go so told him to come inside and they'd make some cookies.

A little later grandpa came back from fishing and saw the cookies. "Ooh, those look great, can I have some?"

"Can your dick reach around to your ass?" asked jimmy.

"Why yes, it can" said grandpa.

"Then go fuck yourself old man, these are mine."

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My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.

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Saturday Drives With Grandpa

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy… -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, Pa Pa , it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat, Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

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A man walks into a hardware store

So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:

A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em

Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)

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Another joke my grandpa used to tell me

"So, there was this Nazi who walked into a bar. It was mine, and he died on the spot."

He then cackled maniacally, and I never understood the joke until I found out that BAR= Browning Automatic Rifle.

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Grandpa told me this

Guy lost his finger in a work accident

His wife was telling her friend about it

The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"

The wife replied "no, the one next to it"

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Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....

I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.

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My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology.

I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

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A boy and his grandfather

A young boy walks up to his grandfather and says "grandpa, can I have a dollar?" The grandfather asks, "Is your dick long enough to touch your ass hole?" the boy replies, "no.." The grandfather then says, well come back when it is."

For the next few years the boy asked his grandfather the same thing, "Grandpa can I have a dollar?" and the grandfathers response was always the same, "Is your dick long enough to touch your ass hole?" and the boy always left disappointed.

Years later the boy went to see his grandfather, only this time he was more excited than ever, because his dick was finally long enough to touch his ass hole. He approached his grandfather with a wide grin asking, "Grandpa can i have a dollar?" Before the grandfather could even finish his sentence the boy shouted "YES! YES IT IS! MY DICK IS LONG ENOUGH TO TOUCH MY ASS HOLE!"

"Good!" the grandfather replied, "Now go fuck yourself!"

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My grandpa always said...

They were so poor, if he wasn't born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with.

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Grandpa looks at his grandson and says, "Go hide! Your teacher is here because you skipped school today."

The grandson says, "No, you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

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I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket

How far do you think I can kick this bucket? Β 

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A child asks his Grandpa for a cookie

The Grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no, so the Grandpa says no.

Two years later the child asks if he can have a cookie

The Grandpa says again, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no again, so the Grandpa says no.

Another two years go by and the child asks if he can have a cookie.

The grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says yes

The Grandpa then says, "Then go fuck yourself."

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The Godfather

An old Italian man was dying, so he called his grandson to his bedside: Guido, I wan' you to lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

But grandpa, I really don't like guns... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?

You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife. Lotsa money. A big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'"?

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My Jewish grandpa told me this joke a few years back

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking by a playground.

Priest: *leans over to the Rabbi and whispers* "Id love to go fuck those kids"

Rabbi: *looking confused* "fuck them out of what? They don't have any money"

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My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet.

I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.

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How did our grandparents killed time when there were no Smartphones and Internet?

I already asked my mom, her four sisters and five brothers.

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There's a father and a son sitting in their living room.

The son asked, "What's it like to have the greatest son in the world?"

The father replied, "I don't know, you'll have to ask your grandpa"

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A Native American Boy Walks into His Family Tipi

The boy looks at his father as he has grown curious in life lately and asks him,

"Dad, why is your name rising sun?"

The boys father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when i was born your grandparents went outside with me and that's the first thing they saw, the rising sun."

The boy seemed satisfied with the response for a moment then again questioned the father.

"Dad, why is grandpa named waxing moon?"

The boy's father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when your grandfather was born his parents took him outside and that's the first thing they saw, a waxing moon. Now tell me, two-dogs-fucking, why have you become so curious?

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Son, I really wish your Grandpa were here today. I know what he would say if he were alive right now.

"What's that, Dad?"

He'd say "Hey motherfuckers! Let me out of this fucking box!"

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My grandpas joke

A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls. The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.

Accountant1: I'm here for ther job, I'm great at d-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant1: 4

Boss: get out

Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.

Accountant2: hey I'm here for the-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant2: 4

Boss: get out.

Just as confused as accountant1, number 2 leaves thinking that if the boss is that stupid he doesn't want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.

Accountant3: hi, I'm here for the ne-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant3: anything you want it to be.

Boss: you're hired.

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The TV Healer

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

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Fish out of water.

I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.

I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".

She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."

So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"

She replied, "No, he's dead."

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Grandpa

Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!

Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?

Me: The judge told him.

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An 18 year old asks his 91 year old grandpa to go fishing.

Grandpa: Let's go skydiving instead.

Grandson: Aren't you afraid that something could go wrong and we could die?

Grandpa: As old as I am dying is only my third biggest fear.

Grandson: What's your second?

Grandpa: Not making the most out of the time I have left.

The grandson moved by what his grandpa said bought them skydiving tickets immediately.

Grandson: I bought the tickets grandpa, but if you don't mind me asking what is your biggest fear?

Grandpa: Fucking crocodiles. Why do you think I didn't want to go fishing?

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Little johnny saw his grandpa smoking...

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."Β 
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.Β 

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"

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The old man and his grandson

An old man took his grandson to town but ran into some old friends playing poker and decided to join them.

His grandson asked, "Can I play too?"

The old man said, "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"

The boy replied, "No."

The grandfather then said, "Then you aren't old enough. Why don't you play in that arcade next door."

So after a while, the kid returned and said, "Grandpa! They had a contest there and I won $50,000! I can't wait to spend it!"

The old man replied, "Wooh! That's a lot of money! You're gonna share it with your old gramps aren't you?"

The kid asked, "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"

The grandpa chuckled and said "Of course it is, I'm an old man."

"Then go fuck yourself."

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Translated Slovakian joke

A guerilla fighter is caught by the Nazis during the uprising and is being interrogated. In his defence he says: "look my Grandpa was a great fighter, he shot 46 Soviet soldiers, so dont kill me please!" The Nazi guard asks him: "How do you know they were Soviet soldiers?" "Well, they all had SS on their helmets!"

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Tata daddy

One day a father was walking by his sons room and heard him praying. "God bless mommy and daddy and grandma, tata grandpa" he said. The dad was confused but happy to know that his 6 year,old was praying. The next morning he found grandpa dead of a heart attack. That night he listend to his son again. "God bless mommy and daddy tata grandma." As he suspected he found grandma dead of a heart attack. Then that night he listened to his son again."God bless mommy tata daddy" as you can imagine he was freaking out so he went to the docter and came home and found his wife and she said "Thankgoodness your here we found the mailman dead on our porch this morning!"

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Stiff....

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"

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Yesterday I watched "Get Out" with my racist grandpa

He thought it was a documentatary.

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A kid asks his Granddad for relationship advice...

"Grandpa, Jenny broke up with me today. I feel so bad, I don't know what I'm gonna do"

"Listen kid, you're gonna be alright. You're young and got plenty of time. Let me tell you about what qualities to look for in a woman to have a lasting relationship:

1) Find a woman who makes you laugh

2) Find a woman who has a job and loves housework

3) Find a woman who is honest

4) Find a woman who will wait on you hand and foot

5) Find a woman who is awesome in the bedroom

6) Most of all, it is **Very Important** that these five women **Never** meet"

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they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him?

grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow

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Grandma an grandpa are having an intimate evening...

when grandpa gets a naughty idea.
'Remember what we used to do when we were young? You used to make soup and we would take or clothes off, sit at the table naked and eat it', grandpa said.
Grandma, filled with desire, agreed to have that experience one more time and started cooking. An hour later, grandma and grandpa were sitting at the table, butt naked, staring each other in the eyes.
'Oh honey', grandma said, 'I'm getting this nice warm feeling in my heart again'
'I bet you are', said grandpa', your tits are hanging in the soup'.

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and old man with old car crashed into a brand new BMW in russia

4 big guy jump out of the BMW and say to the old man:
- That's it grandpa. You're fucked. We are going to beat you up
The old man responds:
- Well that's unfair. You are four big guis and i'm only old man.
The head of the group responds:
- Okay, grandpa, you have a point. Sasha, Ivan go help grandapa fight.
- Well that's not fair now. We are three, you are two - says old man.
- Okay grandpa go away, we will fight this out without you.

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My grandpa always had it had on my generation...

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"

I then proceeded to unplug his life support.

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The Mystery of Childbirth

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

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Handed my Grandpa a sweet tea

He took a sip and said "ahh, this is like having sex in a canoe"

"Does that mean it's good" i replied

"No, it's fucking pretty close to water"

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My Grandpa has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

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Chris Pratt's German Joke (in English)

Dieter and his grandpa Peter are sitting on top of a hill. Peter turns to Dieter and says, "You see all those houses down there? I built them with my bare hands, but do they call me Peter the House Builder? No."

Then Peter points to a church by the houses. "I built that church with my bare hands, but do they call me Peter the Church Builder? No."

Peter points to a huge wall below them and says, "You see that big wall? I built that wall stone by stone, but do they call me Peter the Wall Builder? No."

Peter pauses and looks Dieter dead in the eyes and says, "But you fuck ONE pig..."

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My grandpa told me

My grandpa told me: "Your generation relies too much on technology".
So I replied: "No , your generation relies too much on technology" as I unplugged his life support.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa.

Not screaming in terror, like the people on the back of his pick-up.

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A boy and his grandpa are sitting on the porch...

Grandpa is sipping on a glass of whiskey when the boy asks him for a drink.

Grandpa asks, "Can you touch your dick to your asshole, boy?"

"No.", the boy replies. "Then no, you can't have any"

A few minutes later the boy comes back out and grandpa is smoking a cigar.

"Can I have a puff of your cigar, grandpa?"

Grandpa asks again, "Can you touch your dick to your asshole, boy?"

"I already told you I can't, grandpa", the boy replies and goes back in the house.

A few minutes later the boy comes back with a plate of cookies.

"Gimme one of them cookies, boy", grandpa demands.

"Can you touch your dick to your asshole, grandpa?"

"Well, as a matter of fact I can, boy."

"Good. Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these for me."

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A joke my grandpa told me

A man goes to the doctor for a rectal exam. The doctor says "Sir, you really need to stop masturbating."
The man, worried, asks "What? Why??"
The doctor replies "Because I'm trying to do my exam."

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One day a young boy asks his grandfather, "grandpa what does a vagina look like?"

"Before or after sex?" The grandfather replied.
"Um before" said the boy.
"Like a rose in an early spring morning."
"What about after sex?"
The grandfather paused for a second and thought. "Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked,

"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The little boy answered no.

Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa,

can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie.

Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"

The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied,

"Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

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A little girl asks her grandpa, "Would you make a frog noise for me, Grandpa?"

The grandpa, confused, asks, "Why?"

The little girl replies, "Dad says when you croak we are all going to
Disneyland".

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What are the best Grandpa puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Grandpa? Well, here are the best jokes about Grandpa to have fun with.

Joko Jokes