The Best 89 Grandmother Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Grandmother jokes. There are some grandmother grampa jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these grandmother gramma puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Grandmother Jokes and Puns

Cuban

I asked my grandmother for "something Cuban" for my birthday, and she had got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Can you Imagine?


Can you imagine stuffing pictures of your grandmother in a strippers G string?

Imagine you are Prince Harry

A man and his wife are having sex...

...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.

A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"

"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

Grandmother joke, A man and his wife are having sex...

Oh Grandma!

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.

"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

A child asks his grandmother, "Grandma, whats it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"

The grandmother replies, "Why, that's called sexual intercourse". The boy considers this, then runs outside to join his friends. A short time later the boy runs back inside and says, "Grandma, you were wrong, its called bunk beds, and Billy's Mom wants to talk to you.


Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''

Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

Careful what you wish for!

I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.

β€”Anthony Jeselnik

Grandmother joke, Careful what you wish for!

A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...

and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,

"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."

The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,

"How did you make all this money, child?"

The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a prostitute grandma."

The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"

"I was a prostitute, grandma! I'm sorry."

The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Wrong queue !

This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and suck'em dry."

Granny's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.

The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

You can explore grandmother gran reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean grandmother gramps dad jokes. There are also grandmother puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

I'll never forget what my grandmother said to me right before she passed away.

She said to me *"What are you doing?!?"*

Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....

I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

An old couple gets pulled over and...

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."

Grandmother joke, An old couple gets pulled over and...

My grandmother would roll over.

My grandmother would roll over in her trench if she knew how much I spent on her funeral.

A mexican boy with the desire to be white

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

He says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."

The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira la Abuela, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.

Stop clicking on click-bait!

(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Halloween. I guess I chose trick.).


Red Ridin' Hood's Grandma

One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking to her grandmother's house. She knocks on the door, but all she hears is screams. So she throws open the door and sees the Big Bad Wolf and her grandmother in the bed. She exclaims, "Grandma, are you alright? I thought the Big Bad Wolf was eating you!" The grandmother replies, "He was, until you showed up."

My grandmother laughed when I said I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti.

She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.

What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

Gee, you knit?

My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.

We think that's what killed her.

I really want to date the Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.

I heard she's an animal in bed.

Grandmas don't know everything.........

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse , darling.

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse . It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!

They named him Ravi O. Lee

Sorry

My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What...you coming empty handed?"

My 82 year old grandmother is still healthy and active. She doesn't even need glasses.

She drinks her whiskey straight from the bottle.

I recently had to bury my beloved grandmother in the local graveyard.

She should be dead by now

My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...

It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

My mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and I all currently have diarrhea.

Runs in the family.

So MotherTeresa is in heaven, but...

she notices that Princess Diana has a bigger halo than her. So Mother Teresa goes to God and asks why Princess Diana has a larger halo. God laughs and responds, "Oh, that's not a halo, that's the steering wheel."

My grandmother told me this joke, all credit to her.

My grandmother died and left me a tomato.

I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms.

Hospital...

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.

Once we asked him if he knew what a sex tape was.

He nodded thoughtfully. 'Sex tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'

I normally don't drink, but last time I did I woke up next to my grandmother

I still don't know how I got 6 feet under ground.

A boy was born of an Indian , Irish , Chinese and an Italian Grandmother

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
They named him Ravi O. Lee

i'll see myself out

My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school.

She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

My grandmother always says, "live life to the fullest each and every day because tomorrow you could walk out your front door and be hit by a bus."

She's a bus driver though, so I'm not really sure what to make of this.

My grandmother voted Republican until the day she died.

Ever since then, she's voted Democrat.

One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself "The Man of Bats..."

It was his Nana's Nana's Nana's Nana's Batman.

My grandmother was a cancer, ironic how she died.

She was killed by a giant crab.

Love Letters

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying
Grandpa. She was in her 2os, and the man she was dating
left for war. "We were in love, " she recalled, "and wrote to
each other every week. It was during that time that I
discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the
war? " I asked.
Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your
grandfather was the mailman."

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

My grandmother is 80 and still doesn't need glasses

She drinks out of the bottle...

I took my grandmother to a place that for only 45$ they put you in a bath filled with fish that eat the dead skin off :)

It was cheaper than cremation or a burial!

My grandmother went to a gynecologist to check on hey cervical cancer.

The doctor says to my grandmother: "Now, Mrs. Smith, I'm going to insert my finger..."

My grandmother replies: "Can you put in two? I want a second opinion."

I never say no to a fight

But when my grandmother said "Let's take this outside" I'm beginning to think she may have been talking about my Bike.

If my grandmother could see me right now, she would be so proud.

She's blind.

My grandmother is pushing ninety. She's so strong, bless her.

It's just annoying that the bus had to break down.

I took my grandma to a new spa..

I took my grandmother to a new spa where they have little fish eat away at your dead skin for only $40.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"

Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!

The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

I always get the worst letters when I'm playing Scrabble...

Like the one telling me my grandmother died...

My secret admirer who sent me love letters every Valentine's day didn't send me anything this time

First my grandmother dies, now this?

A grandmother goes to the doctor

A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the nipples"
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit suicide and shoots herself in the knee"

Knowledge

I swallowed a dictionary....it gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had. -credit goes to my 80 yo grandmother

A joke my Grandmother told me today.

So a termite walks into a bar. He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter Is the bar tender here?

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every billΒ has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Joey moves to a nudist colony

Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.

He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads

Dear Joey

Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.

Love Grandma

A beautiful young lady works in a brothel [NSFW]

But she would never tell her family or friends about it.

One night during a police raid, all the girls need to get in line outside the brothel.

And while in line, the grandmother of the young lady walks by: "Julie, what are you doing here in the middle of the night?" "Well grandmother, at the front the line they give away free oranges!"
"Free oranges! I'll better get me some." And the grandmother steps in line.

Meanwhile the line gets processed and every girl gets interrogated.
When the cop comes at the end of the line his eyes widen: "What? You? At your age? What are you doing here?"

"Ah it's no problem, I just take it my teeth and suck them dry!"

If my grandmother knew how much we paid for her funeral...

She would roll over in her ditch.

"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.

It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.

Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?

Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.

Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?

Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.

Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk

Father: Shut up cinderblock

β€Œβ€ŒOur wβ€Œβ€Œhole fβ€Œβ€Œamily iβ€Œβ€Œs rβ€Œβ€Œeally wβ€Œβ€Œorried aβ€Œβ€Œbout mβ€Œβ€Œy gβ€Œβ€Œrandfather’s Vβ€Œβ€Œiagra aβ€Œβ€Œddiction.

Grandma iβ€Œβ€Œs tβ€Œβ€Œaking iβ€Œβ€Œt pβ€Œβ€Œarticularly hβ€Œβ€Œard.

My grandmother always use to say the fastest way to a man's heart is through the stomach

She was a terrible surgeon.

HOW i got rich

One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says
When is Mother's Day?

My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
Nine months after fathers night

How tall is the world smallest grandmother?

One Nanameter.

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.

Mother asks what he learned, he says

"Nothing but I sure do hate you black folk"

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?...

"What, you're coming empty handed?"

My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton.

She broke the cycle.

What do you call a grandmother who tells jokes?

A gram cracker!

My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother

until my mom took the urn from me.

My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden.

No way would she have done that if she were still alive.

"hey manβ€” you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot"

I guess you could say *[stares muthafuckingly]*... I made a grave mistake.

My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.

Prescription drug recall

The pharmaceutical company AvKare has issued a recall for two of their drugs which were accidentally switched. An antidepressant and a drug to treat erectile dysfunction.

This explains why my grandfather has been so moody yet my grandmother has been so happy!

My 91 year old Canadian Grandmother just told me this joke.

Two Newfoundlanders were driving to Toronto.
They passed a sign that said: Toronto LEFT.
Distraught, they turned around and drove back home.

What do bananas say when they see their grandmother?

Hey Nana.

Husband: "I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother."

Wife: "Why does it say 'Do Not Resuscitate?'"

My grandmother invented Nair…

She's Amelia Nair

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was the name of the book?" Third Pupil, with a big grin: "Winnie The Shit!"

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the grandmother grandparent jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working grandmother aunt piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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