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Grandmother Jokes

114 grandmother jokes and hilarious grandmother puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grandmother that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Make your Grandma laugh with these hilarious Grandmother jokes! From dead Grandmother jokes to Italian Grandmother jokes to Grandmother birthday jokes, these funny jokes are sure to be a hit! Uncle, aunt, and grandparent jokes will have the whole family in stitches!

Funniest Grandmother Short Jokes

Short grandmother jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grandmother humour may include short grandma jokes also.

  1. A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
    They named him Ravi O. Lee
    Sorry
  2. My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother until my mom took the urn from me.
  3. One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself "The Man of Bats..." It was his Nana's Nana's Nana's Nana's Batman.
  4. My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.
  5. My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated. We think that's what killed her.
  6. When I was younger,I used to love making sandcastles with my grandmother Until my mom started hiding the urn
  7. My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.
  8. Can you Imagine?
    Can you imagine stuffing pictures of your grandmother in a strippers G string?
    Imagine you are Prince Harry
  9. My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses. She always just drank straight from the bottle.
  10. My grandmother laughed when I said I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti. She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.

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Grandmother One Liners

Which grandmother one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grandmother? I can suggest the ones about granny and old grandma.

  1. my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas my so-so grandmother got me sock
  2. What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks? Gee, you knit?
  3. How tall is the world smallest grandmother? One Nanameter.
  4. My Grandmother was 80% Irish Her name was Iris.
  5. My grandmother is 80 and still doesn't need glasses She drinks out of the bottle...
  6. Grandmother's in a better place now... Her plane landed in Spain half an hour ago.
  7. Grandmothers are like websites They keep asking you to accept their cookies.
  8. My grandmother was a cancer, ironic how she died. She was killed by a giant crab.
  9. The hardest part about my grandmothers death? Making it look like an accident.
  10. My 87 Year Old Grandmother Still Doesn't Use Glasses She drinks straight from the bottle!
  11. If my grandmother could see me right now, she would be so proud. She's blind.
  12. My grandmother invented Nair… She's Amelia Nair
  13. What did 50 cent say to his grandmother after she made him a sweater? Gee, you knit?
  14. What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother? An octagram.
  15. My grandmother died and left me a tomato. I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms.

Dead Grandmother Jokes

Here is a list of funny dead grandmother jokes and even better dead grandmother puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I took my grandma to a new spa.. I took my grandmother to a new spa where they have little fish eat away at your dead skin for only $40.
    It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
  • I recently had to bury my beloved grandmother in the local graveyard. She should be dead by now
  • I took my grandmother to a place that for only 45$ they put you in a bath filled with fish that eat the dead skin off :) It was cheaper than cremation or a burial!
  • We burried my grandmother last week... So she's probably dead by now.
  • My Grandmother and her friends are most likely going to vote for Hillary Clinton... It's a shame. They've been dead for 15 years
  • What has four wheels and flies? My dead grandmother.
  • In the words of my dead grandmother...
  • My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin... It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a f**......

Grandmother Birthday Jokes

Here is a list of funny grandmother birthday jokes and even better grandmother birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Cuban I asked my grandmother for "something Cuban" for my birthday, and she had got me a Che Guevara shirt.
    Clothes, but no cigar.
  • As I unwrapped the c**...... I had to question my grandmother's choice of birthday present.
Grandmother joke, As I unwrapped the c**......

Italian Grandmother Jokes

Here is a list of funny italian grandmother jokes and even better italian grandmother puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the Italian say to his grandmother with alzheimer's? fugetaboutit!
  • What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother? Forty pounds and a black dress.
Grandmother joke, What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother?

Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Grandmother Jokes

What funny jokes about grandmother you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean great grandfather jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grandmother pranks.

A Sentimental Robber

A robber goes into a house to, well, rob the place. There he finds a man and his wife. He goes to the woman and says, "I will have to kill you. What's your name?" She replies, "E...E...Elizabeth." "I can't kill you, that's my grandmothers name!" said the robber. He looks at the man and asks for his name. The man replies, "Jim, but uhhh most people call me **Elizabeth**."

A man and his wife are having s**......

...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.
A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having s**... with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"
"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

Oh Grandma!

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious.
"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

A child asks his grandmother, "Grandma, whats it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"

The grandmother replies, "Why, that's called s**... i**...". The boy considers this, then runs outside to join his friends. A short time later the boy runs back inside and says, "Grandma, you were wrong, its called bunk beds, and Billy's Mom wants to talk to you.

Water p**...

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''
Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

Careful what you wish for!

I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have s**... me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.
—Anthony Jeselnik

Jim and his s**... life...

A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother

The only joke I've ever heard from my mother

my mother just returned from Minnesota and relayed in horror that my uncle told this joke to a nurse at my grandmothers deathbed (thus telling me the joke)
Olley's on his deathbed and tells his wife to come closer. "Marry Sven" he gasps. "But honey I thought you hated, Sven?"
"I do."

A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...

and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,
"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."
The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,
"How did you make all this money, child?"
The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a p**... grandma."
The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"
"I was a p**..., grandma! I'm sorry."
The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"

Sunday Morning s**...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Wrong queue !

This girl was a p**..., but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and s**...'em dry."

Granny's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom b**... her boyfriend."

Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....

I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**........

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

An old couple gets pulled over and...

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."

My grandmother would roll over.

My grandmother would roll over in her trench if she knew how much I spent on her f**....

A mexican boy with the desire to be white

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.
He says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira la Abuela, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.
Stop clicking on click-bait!
(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Halloween. I guess I chose trick.).

Grandmas don't know everything.........

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called s**... i**... , darling.
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called s**... i**... . It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

My grandfather had a s**... this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?

"What...you coming empty handed?"

Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's f**..., she stopped in to see you."

So MotherTeresa is in heaven, but...

she notices that Princess Diana has a bigger halo than her. So Mother Teresa goes to God and asks why Princess Diana has a larger halo. God laughs and responds, "Oh, that's not a halo, that's the steering wheel."
My grandmother told me this joke, all credit to her.

Hospital...

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.

Once we asked him if he knew what a s**... tape was.

He nodded thoughtfully. s**... tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'

I normally don't drink, but last time I did I woke up next to my grandmother

I still don't know how I got 6 feet under ground.

A boy was born of an Indian , Irish , Chinese and an Italian Grandmother

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
They named him Ravi O. Lee
i'll see myself out

My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school.

She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

My grandmother always says, "live life to the fullest each and every day because tomorrow you could walk out your front door and be hit by a bus."

She's a bus driver though, so I'm not really sure what to make of this.

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her f**...

She'd be spinning in her ditch

My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for h**...-made products.

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

I always get the worst letters when I'm playing Scrabble...

Like the one telling me my grandmother died...

A grandmother goes to the doctor

A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the n**..."
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit s**... and shoots herself in the knee"

A joke my Grandmother told me today.

So a termite walks into a bar. He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter Is the bar tender here?

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Joey moves to a nudist colony

Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads
Dear Joey
Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.
Love Grandma

If my grandmother knew how much we paid for her f**......

She would roll over in her ditch.

"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.

It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.

Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?
Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.
Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?
Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.
Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk
Father: Shut up cinderblock

Knock knock

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
It's Dave!
Dave who?
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

I had to go to my Grandmother's f**... yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.
My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

Bob Saget aristocrat joke

Man #1: A guy goes into a talent agent's office. He says, `I have the greatest act in the world.'
Man #2: Hey, oh.
Man #3: Me and my wife go on stage. We get undressed and I start (censored) my wife.
Man #4: I remember my grandmother sitting me down and telling me the joke. So she only spoke Yiddish. The only English word she knew was (censored).

‌‌Our w‌‌hole f‌‌amily i‌‌s r‌‌eally w‌‌orried a‌‌bout m‌‌y g‌‌randfather’s V‌‌iagra a‌‌ddiction.

Grandma i‌‌s t‌‌aking i‌‌t p‌‌articularly h‌‌ard.

My grandmother always use to say the fastest way to a man's heart is through the stomach

She was a terrible surgeon.

HOW i got rich

One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense

My Grandmother found and flushed my w**... so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says
When is Mother's Day?
My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
Nine months after fathers night

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.
Mother asks what he learned, he says
"Nothing but I sure do hate you black folk"

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"

My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton.

She broke the cycle.

What do you call a grandmother who tells jokes?

A gram c**...!

My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden.

No way would she have done that if she were still alive.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty

Grandfather replied: there as clean as cold water can get 'em

Next day:

Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?
Grandpa: cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get
Alright, whatever you say
Day after:
Grandpa and grandkid are finishing dinner
Kid: grandpa I think I see a dog outside! Can we bring him in?
Grandpa: sure!
Grandpa opens the door
C'MERE COLD WATER!
(This joke was from my grandmother years ago)

I was lost walking through a cemetery when I came upon a grave that looked familiar. I put my flowers on it and went to walk away.

A nearby man called out Hey! That's my grandmothers grave! Your Grandma's is a few over!
Startled and embarrassed I answered back Sorry! I've made a grave mistake!

I was lost walking through a cemetery when I came upon a grave that looked familiar. I put my flowers on it and went to walk away.

A nearby man called out Hey! That's my grandmothers grave! The person you're looking for must be further down! Startled and embarrassed I answered back Sorry! I've made a grave mistake!

A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.
"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."
"Yes, sweety?"
"I, uh, I'm gay."
"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"
"Grandma!!!!"
"Well??"
Mortified, he muttered sheepishly, "I, uh, yeah?"
Whack! The wooden spoon found its mark. "Don't you EVER," she sternly replied, "complain about my cooking again."

visiting grandma...

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

I came across an old photo of my great grandmother earlier today.

Took me nearly an hour to clean it off.

The end is near

Every time a little boy went to his friend's house, he found the that his grandmother was always deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.
Why does your grandmother read the Bible so much? he asked.
I don't know, said his friend, but I think she's cramming for her finals.

Grandmother joke, The end is near

jokes about grandmother