Grandma Jokes
151 grandma jokes and hilarious grandma puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grandma that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a good laugh, check out our collection of grandma jokes. These hilarious jokes are sure to have you rolling on the floor.
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Funniest Grandma Short Jokes
Short grandma jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grandma humour may include short grandpa jokes also.
- Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather's Viagra addiction. Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
- Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
- My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses She drinks straight from the bottle.
- What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet? I mean, didn't they get bored?
I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either. - I asked my grandpa.. I asked my grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?
Grandpa: I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her. - A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is." - My fondest Childhood memory was making Sand castle with Grandma. Until my mother hid the Urn.
- I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
- Grandma found a lump under her left breast but the Dr said it's ok. It was just her kneecap.
- What does my Grandma and a Modern website have in common? Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.
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Grandma One Liners
Which grandma one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grandma? I can suggest the ones about granny and old granny.
- My grandma is 80% Irish. Her name is Iris.
- "Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma" "Shut up, and keep digging"
- What is the worst response to "I love you"? "I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"
- Where do Bees use the bathroom? At the BP station. (thanks grandma)
- My grandma likes to prank us by pretending to choke on her food It's an old gag
- I like Ouija boards It's the only game I can still play with grandma.
- Why didn't Mr. Clean's wife ever get pregnant? He comes in a bottle.
- My grandma. - But daaaad, I don't wanna go see grandma... "Son, shut up and keep digging,!"
- My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government. Visitors only see the nice china.
- Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma! Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
- Shout-out to my grandma Because that's the only way she can hear me.
- I put my Grandma on speed dial.. I call that Instagram
- Her: I hope we die on the same day Him: Why do you hate me, grandma?
- My grandma started running 5K / day at age 60 She's 93 now, we have no idea where she is
- How do you get nine grandmas to swear? Make the tenth one shout "bingo!"
Your Grandma Jokes
Here is a list of funny your grandma jokes and even better your grandma puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker... ...so I told her to roll them tighter.
- I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking..... We can collect her ashes tomorrow.
- What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas? Gee, you knit?
- Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?" "It's Alzheimer, grandma".
- I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut
- Dark I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery. - I asked my grandpa, after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What's your secret? Grandpa, I forgot her name 5 years ago, I'm too scared to ask her.
- My grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. " I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths?
- My grandma got a new hearing aid. It was $5, she said.
What kind is it? I asked.
Ten-o-clock. - Got a call that my Grandma only has 1 day left to live... But I'm still not paying the ransom.
Grandpa And Grandma Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandpa and grandma jokes and even better grandpa and grandma puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My grandpa was telling me about how his and my grandma's anniversary was coming up. He told me they'd been together so long, they were on their second bottle of tabasco.
- Boy talking to Grandpa. Boy: Grandpa can you make a noise like a frog?
Grandpa: No I can't, why do you ask?
Boy: Well Grandma said I can go to Disney Land when you croak.. - After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She's hidden his teeth.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like Grandpa did.. ..not screaming in panic like Grandma and my two aunts who where in the car with him.
- My grandma was beaten to death by my grandpa. Not as in, with like a stick or anything. He just died first.
- "What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?" i don't know why but this question was never answered by anyone from my 17 aunts and uncles.
- What do you call parents who teach abstinence only? Grandma and grandpa.
- I was doing some good coke... When my Grandma caught me. She asked me what am I doing with grandpa's ashes.
- A little girl asks her grandfather why he always calls grandma "sweetie", "honey", and the like Grandpa says "well it's because I've forgotten her name for a few years now and I'm scared to ask".
- What is pink and wrinkly and hangs out grandpas trousers? Grandma
Grandma And Grandpa Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandma and grandpa jokes and even better grandma and grandpa puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?" When her sister dumped me.
- My grandma bought my grandpa a new pair of pants. When she asked how they fit, he responded "like a cheap castle. There's no ball room."
- Why is grandpa fine with performing tricks, but gets mad if you ask grandma? It took him forever to get her off that street corner.
- Whats gray and found between grandpa's legs? Grandma on his birthday.
- Grandpa putting cream cheese on Grandma's breast was surprising. Nobody expected a pap shmear at brunch.
- What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed? Keep it up!
- 'Mom, I think I killed grandma!' 'You idiot! We still have half a grandpa in the freezer!'
- i asked my grandpa what was one of his biggest mistakes he wish he could take back he pointed at my grandma then at me then he left.
- My grandpa was on tv once, Till grandma yelled "Get off there your too heavy"
- What's grosser than g**...? Sitting on your grandpa's lap while he gets hard
What's grosser than that?
Sitting on grandma's lap while she gets hard
Old Grandma Jokes
Here is a list of funny old grandma jokes and even better old grandma puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Old people love My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.
- My 93-year-old grandma has rheumatoid arthritis and is slow at crosswalks. Yesterday, she got hit by a car. She's perfectly fine -- she has an auto-immune disease!
- (Told by a 7 year old reading me a joke off of her SpongeBob Gogurt) "What is Plankton's grandma's favorite type of pudding?" "Not labeled for individual sale!!!!!"
- What do you call a 27 year old woman in Mississippi? Grandma
- What did grandma say to the old fountain? You aged well!
- My grandma got a hip replacement My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.
- That way.... 10 years ago my English wasn't very good.When an old friend of mine called me one day and said: My grandma just passed away, I asked him : Which way ?
- They say you shrink when you get older My grandma lost a foot in her old age, but i think it had something to do with diabetes.
- If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with... the window open?
From my 88 year old grandma - They say you shrink when you get older. My grandma lost a foot in her old age, but I think that was more so due to the gangrene.
Unearthly Funniest Grandma Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about grandma you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dead grandmother jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grandma pranks.
Hey grandson, what's the name of that german man who makes me go crazy?
Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer...
A child asks his grandmother, "Grandma, whats it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
The grandmother replies, "Why, that's called s**... i**...". The boy considers this, then runs outside to join his friends. A short time later the boy runs back inside and says, "Grandma, you were wrong, its called bunk beds, and Billy's Mom wants to talk to you.
An old man is lying on his death bed...
... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the f**...."
A teacher asks her class
to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...
and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,
"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."
The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,
"How did you make all this money, child?"
The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a p**... grandma."
The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"
"I was a p**..., grandma! I'm sorry."
The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"
Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast...
Turns out it was her belt buckle.
Fish out of water.
I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.
I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".
She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."
So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"
She replied, "No, he's dead."
Wrong queue !
This girl was a p**..., but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and s**...'em dry."
Granny's boyfriend
A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom b**... her boyfriend."
Why you don't ask grandma s**... questions
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.
My Grandma E-Mailed me this one
When you drink v**... over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink r**... over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.
Robin Williams' Favorite Joke
Guy's having s**... with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''
He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"
The Mystery of Childbirth
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"
Literary position.
Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.
"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"
"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."
A man and his wife are having s**......
...They are going at it hot and heavy, and suddenly they hear a noise. It's their son, little Timmy, standing in the doorway. Shocked, Timmy runs back to his room.
The father goes, "I'll go talk to Timmy."
So he goes to Timmy's room and opens the door; there, he sees Timmy's giving it hot and heavy to grandma!
The father, disturbed, says, "O my god!"
Timmy goes, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
Grandma, how old are you?
"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"
Grandmas don't know everything.........
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called s**... i**... , darling.
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called s**... i**... . It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'
A dad puts his little girl to sleep...
And the girl says, "Goodbye Grandpa" and the dad asks why she said grandpa, the girl replied, "I don't know it just felt right".
The next day the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence.
The dad puts the girl to sleep and a few months later she says, "Goodbye Grandma" and the dad went along with it.
The next day the grandma died and the dad thought that she knew who would die next!
Several weeks later, the dad puts his girl to sleep and the girl says, "Goodbye Daddy" and the dad freaked out when he left the room.
He stayed at the office until midnight jumping at every sound he heard. When he came to his house at 1am and crawls into the bed, his wife says
Wife :: Why were you at work so late?
Husband :: I had a terrible day..
Wife :: What happened?
Husband :: I don't want to talk about it.
Wife :: Well, you won't believe the day I had! My golf pro died right in front of me during golf lessons!
Edit : Formatting
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?
"What...you coming empty handed?"
From grandma: Why do women wear p**... with flowers on them?
In memory of all the faces that were buried there.
Grandma keeps staring longingly through the window since it started snowing...
...Maybe It's time to let her back inside.
Two electricians are up on a pole
A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:
— Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?
The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:
— Told you it was the ground.
Little girl: "Grandma, make a noise like a frog." Grandma: "Why?"
Little girl: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."
What did 50 cent's grandma say to him when he gave her a hand woven scarf for mother's day?
G u knit?
A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black b**...."
A dying grandma tells her grandchild....
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."
Kids walks in on parents having s**...
A kid walks by his parents room and sees his parents having s**.... The dad notices his son standing there so he just winks and keeps on going. The next day the dad walks by his sons room and sees his son plowing into grandma. The kids turns to his dad and says " not so funny when it's your mom is it?"
My grandma caught me m**... and she had a s**......
She has such soft hands...
As a family we couldn't decide whether to have grandma buried or cremated
So in the end, we let her live.
(Gary Delaney)
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;
First my grandma died and now this;
I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma,
not screaming in t**... like her passengers.
My dad just called a family meeting.
Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.
"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.
"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".
Last week I took my grandma to the spa
For 20 bucks they have this tiny fish that eat off your dead cells. It was way cheaper than f**...
A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...
He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins .
20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad b**... his grandma. The kid looks up and says 'see, not so funny when it's your mum is it?'
my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid
"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"
My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.
It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"
When your appendix is removed it's called an appendectomy.
When your u**... is removed it's called a hysterectomy. What's it called when you have a growth removed from your head? A haircut.
A Child walks in on his parents...
He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"
The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"
1 week later He walks in on his grandparents
He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"
The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son m**...
The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?
The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather's Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast
Turns out it was just her knee cap
Toilet brush
Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it's a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...
So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let's call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind of funny.
Naturally my Nan asked if everything was okay and if she's alright, had she hurt herself? No she said, I'm okay, I've just bought one of those new toilet brushes, but I think I'm going to switch back to paper
A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"
The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"
A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"
"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."
Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"
"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."
Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*
His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."
After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.
He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."
A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.
He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.
"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."
"Yes, sweety?"
"I, uh, I'm gay."
"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"
"Grandma!!!!"
"Well??"
Mortified, he muttered sheepishly, "I, uh, yeah?"
Whack! The wooden spoon found its mark. "Don't you EVER," she sternly replied, "complain about my cooking again."
a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day
When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.
She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
