grandma Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious grandma puns

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

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Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

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"Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma"

"Shut up, and keep digging"

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My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses

She drinks straight from the bottle.

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Robin Williams' Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

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What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?

I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

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*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"

T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"

S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

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I asked my grandpa..

I asked my grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?

Grandpa: I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her.

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My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

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A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

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I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin

Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.

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A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"

The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."

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What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

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My Gran just asked me "What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?"

It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer.

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From grandma: Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In memory of all the faces that were buried there.

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My Grandpa recently had to start using Viagra

Grandma took it pretty hard

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Curious Little Johnny

asks his Grandpa, "Do you still have sex with Grandma?"

"Yes son, but only oral sex."

"What is that?"

"I say fuck you, she says fuck you too."

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"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "

She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"

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I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

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My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...

...so I told her to roll them tighter.

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My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke...

She has such soft hands...

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Where do Bees use the bathroom?

At the BP station. (thanks grandma)

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My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

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What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

Gee, you knit?

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I like Ouija boards

It's the only game I can still play with grandma.

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Dark

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.Β 
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It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

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Grandma, how old are you?

"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.

He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"

"Six" she said.

"And the second?"

Grandma sighed. "Seven."

"And the third?"

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But daaaad, I don't wanna go see grandma...

"Son, shut up and keep digging,!"

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Why didn't Mr. Clean's wife ever get pregnant?

He comes in a bottle.


- My grandma.

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My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".

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My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government.

Visitors only see the nice china.

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Kids walks in on parents having sex

A kid walks by his parents room and sees his parents having sex. The dad notices his son standing there so he just winks and keeps on going. The next day the dad walks by his sons room and sees his son plowing into grandma. The kids turns to his dad and says " not so funny when it's your mom is it?"

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Got a call that my Grandma only has 1 day left to live...

But I'm still not paying the ransom.

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Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma!

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

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Two electricians are up on a pole

A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:

β€” Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?

The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:

β€” Told you it was the ground.

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What are the most funny Grandma jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Grandma? Well, here are the best Grandma dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Grandma pick up lines to share with friends.

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