grandfather sex Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious grandfather sex puns

One day a young boy asks his grandfather, "grandpa what does a vagina look like?"

"Before or after sex?" The grandfather replied.
"Um before" said the boy.
"Like a rose in an early spring morning."
"What about after sex?"
The grandfather paused for a second and thought. "Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"

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Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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Old Age Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, a woman went to her grand parents' house to visit her 95 years-old grand mother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Obviously surprised, the woman told her grandmother that two people having sex when they are nearly 100 years old would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was on Sunday morning when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that fucking fire brigade truck hadn't come along."

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Assisted Living

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in an assisted living home.
Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their
abuelo...

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful, everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.


"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on

the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor".

"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
"Doctor"

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
F---ing Mexican"

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A joke about Viagra my grandfather told me. Slightly dirty.

A woman walks into a pharmacy and goes directly to the pharmacist.

Woman: Excuse me sir, my husband is having trouble getting hard and it's really affecting our sex life. Is there anything you'd recommend?

Pharmacist: Yes, I would recommend Viagra. It helps increase the blood flow to the penis, therefore it will be easier to get an erection.

Woman: Oh I see! And this is an expensive drug?

Pharmacist: Not at all, it only costs $10.00 a pill.

Woman: Very good! Can you get it over the counter?

He looks down or a few seconds...

Pharmacist: Well if I took a couple of them I probably could

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The Three Paddies Meet a Wizard

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman are walking in the woods when they stumble across an old sex wizard down on his luck. "Wishes for a tenner!" shouts the wizard. "I'll give you anything you like, but I'm sick and tired of making knobs bigger, so don't ask!"

Without wasting a second, Paddy Englishman hands the wizard a ten pound note. "I want my wife to be ten times more adventurous in bed."

The sex wizard nods. "Uxor non inhibitoris! An easy one! It is done!"

Paddy Scotsman counts out nine pound coins and two 50 pence pieces. "My wife and I are happy enough, but I'm terrified of becoming a grandfather before I'm 50. I'd be obliged if you could fix it so my teenage daughters can't get pregnant before they're 25."

The sex wizard nods. "Filiae non fertilismus! Very wise! It is done!"

The sex wizard turns to Paddy Irishman, who has his hands planted firmly in his pockets and looks ready to move on. "No wish for you?"

"I'll save my tenner," says Paddy Irishman, with a grin. "These boys have me covered!"

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A girls grandfather died.

The girl asks the grandmother How did he die?

Well he died while we were having sex replied the grandmother.

Well of course he died he was 96 exclaimed the girl.

No we had sex every Sunday. It went in on the ding and out on the dong of the church bells... he would still be alive if it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck.

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My grandfather always used to say to me that the best part of fighting, is the make-up sex...

Which probably explains his short-lived career as a boxer…

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My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.


After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"


Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

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sex ed

One day a little boy was at the park with his grandfather when he saw two dogs having sex. He asked what they were doing and was told that was how they made puppies. Later that night he had a bad dream and when he went in to his parents' room he saw them having sex. When he asked what they were doing he was told they were trying to make him a baby brother or sister. Disgusted, he demanded "Well flip her over, I'd rather have a puppy!"

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I asked my grandfather for sex advice.

He said, "Slow down, you're going too fast."

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Chief

So this Indian chief goes to a whore house, and the madam comes to the door, and says "Hello chief how can I help you today?" Chief says "Chief want sex. Chief need whore" Madam says "Well chief these girls are pretty experienced how about you go get yourself some experience and then come back" chief says "Chief will return when Chief have experience."

So chief goes out cuts a hole in a tree, and fucks it. Chief comes back the next day, and the Madam says "You get some experience chief?" Chief says "Yes. Chief have experience." the madam says "Well why don't you go upstairs with this girl" Chief goes upstairs with the girl, and 5 minutes later the madam hears this girl screaming and crying so she runs up stairs busts open the door, and theres chief standing there holding her up by one leg smackin her ass with a wooden board. The madam goes "Chief what the hell are you doing?!?", and chief says "Chief checkin for bees!"

My grandfather told me this joke when I was 5. First dirty joke I ever heard.

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When it comes to gay sex, I think the backwards views of my grandfather are disgusting

So I might try missionary style with him instead

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When my grandfather first came to this country he didn't speak much English...

He went to Guitar Center and asked for phone sex. The manager escorted him saying,


"sir, you can't just come in here anytime you're feeling horny."


My grandfather excitedly responded,


"yes, horny!"


It wasn't until a wise employee would come around toting a shiny object that everything would be made clear. He handed it to my grandfather and said,


"it's called a saxophone, sir."

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Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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Morning sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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Orally...

One young boy asks his grandfather "What is sex?"
Grandpa replies "This is something elders do in the bed"
Young boy asks, "How many times to do it?"
Grandpa replies "In young age you feel like doing it all the day, when middle age one time a day or even once in a week."
Then the young boy ask grandpa, "What is about old age."
Grandpa replies "We do oral sex"
Then young boy asks, "How they can do it since they sleep in seperate rooms."
Grandpa replies, "I say f...u" from my room and your granny says "f...u" from other room."

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A guy is about to get married...

One day he asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex. His grandfather tells him, When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day. Then later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow asks, How about you and Grandma? His grandfather replies, Oh, we just have oral sex now.

She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells "F*ck you!" and I holler back "F*ck you too!"

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My grandfather was looking a little down so I asked him what was wrong

He said he hadn't had sex since 1955

"Wow, that's a long time" I said

"Well I don't know, it's only half past 8" he replied

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Dat Riddim

A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along."

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So a grandma is telling her son about her sex life with her now deceased parter

She says 'Ah yes, every Sunday she says, we would have sex in rhythm to the church bells, ding, dong, in, out so on so forth

The grandfather died from having sex on Sunday, which the son was confused as to why it was different this time round

'so why did he have a heart attack on Sunday? The son replies. Especially if you guys are normally having rhythmic sex to the sound of the church bells?'

She replies 'well, you see, it was all going well until the ice cream truck drove past '

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A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home

A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still call him 'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the Fucking Jew'."

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A joke my uncle translated to English from Mvskoke for your pleasure.

A man is sitting in his home when his youngest son walks in the room and says "Father I'm going to go into the woods and find a deer." The man gives his bow to the boy and wishes him well, and the boy leaves.

His middle son then walks in and says "Father, I'm going to go into the woods and find a deer." The man gives his knife to the boy and wishes him well, and the boy leaves.

The oldest son then walks in and says "Father, I'm going into the woods and find a deer." The man gives his walking stick(was also kind of a ceremonial club/weapon) and wishes him well. The boy leaves.

That afternoon the wife storms in and screams "What were your sons doing with your things!?"

"Finding a deer!"

"Then I hope you're ready to be a grandfather!"

*(The Mvskoke words for "go find" and "have sex" sound very similar.)*
*(Another layer is that the walking stick/ceremonial club is purposely shaped like a dick.)*

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I was arrested for having sex with a stranger's grandfather clock.

I'm still doing time.

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex.

He asks how often you should have it.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."

The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks.

"Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

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The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

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What are the most funny Grandfather Sex jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Grandfather Sex? Well, here are the best Grandfather Sex dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Grandfather Sex pick up lines to share with friends.

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