The Best 60 Grandfather Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Grandfather jokes. There are some grandfather father jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these grandfather grandfather sex puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Grandfather Jokes and Puns
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.
My 93 year old grandfather FTW
We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."
My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.
He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
I'll never forget
I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket.
"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
I'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather...
"Sorry I'm late."
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
I was talking to my grandfather
When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support.
My grandfather's favorite joke.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]
What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?
A fart.
*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*
You can explore grandfather gramps reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean grandfather grampa dad jokes. There are also grandfather puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Death Joke
My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.
Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?
The judge told him.
I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket...
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
My grandfather had a stroke this week..
He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.
When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea
Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...
An old man is dying..
His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
Facts of life
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon
It never really took off.
My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."
I wish I'd thought of that quote.
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.
"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."
A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...
The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:
"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."
The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"
To which the man responds:
"Man, that's exactly what I did!"
(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)
So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance
His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(
A boy was eating chocolate...
A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said
"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"
"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.
"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously
"No. He knew how to mind his own business."
A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.
Chocolate is bad
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business.
A joke my late grandfather told me...
Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.
My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player
He only ever lost once
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand
I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock
Gunpowder therapy
A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Little Johnny goes to his grandfather and asks him to croak like a frog.
"Why, sure Johnny. *Croak*", says grandfather.
"Yaaaaay", exclaimed Johnny. Confused, grandfather asks what's so exciting.
"Papa says we're going to be rich when you croak!", replies johnny.
[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?
Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"
Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"
Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.
Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"
Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"
My grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a living.
The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous.
I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement
He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2
He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania
Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.
He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.
My grandfather saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink, but no one listened
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema
A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues
His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.
Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set
His password is ParisLondonMickeyMouse
Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyways.
The grandfather simply replies: It wanted two capitals and a character .
My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings
Being in Canada helped.
My grandfather was a very intelligent man.
He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.
My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.
It is driving him up the wall.
My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2
He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.
Unfortunately, the police found it.
I was really proud of my heritage until I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII.
Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
How ungrateful people are
My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!
My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.
Back then they called it the US Army.
My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.
**The doctor asked him a series of questions: Do you know where you are? I'm at Rex Hospital. What city are you in? Raleigh. Do you know who I am? Dr. Hamilton. My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge. **
An old romanian joke that my grandfather keeps telling .
During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.
They were just beating, and beating and beating.
My grandfather overheard me say I was tripping balls yesterday
He responded I tripped over my balls yesterday too.
Little Jonny was sitting on a park bench enjoying a cigarette.
A woman stopped, excuse me young man, but I'll have you know that those can take years off of your life.
No disrespect ma'am, but I'll have you know that my grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 104.
Did he smoke also?
No, he minded his own f\*\*king business.
A little girl is in a taxi with her mother
The little girl was eating a chocolate and soon after she finishes the first one she opens a second one.
The taxi driver trying to make some conversation says to the little girl:
TD: "Are you sure all that chocolate is healthy for you?"
Girl: "You know, my grandfather lived for 135 years"
TD surprised: "Because he ate so much chocolate?"
Girl: "No, because he was minding his own business"
The last thing my grandfather told me was It's worth spending money on good speakers.
That was some sound advice.
Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar
...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..
Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.
My grandfather lived and died for this joke.
My grandfather used say to the whole world celebrated 11/11, not because of armistice day, but because he was born.
When died I went to my mom and told her "I think I know what he would say if he was here today."
'The whole country is in mourning, not because it is 9/11, but because he died'
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the grandfather grandpa jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working grandfather grandson piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.