Following is our collection of funniest Grandfather jokes. There are some grandfather father jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these grandfather grandfather sex puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.
We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."
He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket.
"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
"Sorry I'm late."
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]
A fart.
*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*
You can explore grandfather gramps reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean grandfather grampa dad jokes. There are also grandfather puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.
Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?
The judge told him.
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.
Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...
His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
It never really took off.
I wish I'd thought of that quote.
"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."
The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:
"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."
The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"
To which the man responds:
"Man, that's exactly what I did!"
(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)
His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(
A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said
"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"
"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.
"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously
"No. He knew how to mind his own business."
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business.
Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.
He only ever lost once
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock
A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
"Why, sure Johnny. *Croak*", says grandfather.
"Yaaaaay", exclaimed Johnny. Confused, grandfather asks what's so exciting.
"Papa says we're going to be rich when you croak!", replies johnny.
Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"
Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"
Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.
Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"
Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"
The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous.
He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema
His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.
Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set
His password is ParisLondonMickeyMouse
Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyways.
The grandfather simply replies: It wanted two capitals and a character .
Being in Canada helped.
He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
It is driving him up the wall.
He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Unfortunately, the police found it.
Now I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!
Back then they called it the US Army.
**The doctor asked him a series of questions: Do you know where you are? I'm at Rex Hospital. What city are you in? Raleigh. Do you know who I am? Dr. Hamilton. My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge. **
During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.
They were just beating, and beating and beating.
He responded I tripped over my balls yesterday too.
A woman stopped, excuse me young man, but I'll have you know that those can take years off of your life.
No disrespect ma'am, but I'll have you know that my grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 104.
Did he smoke also?
No, he minded his own f\*\*king business.
The little girl was eating a chocolate and soon after she finishes the first one she opens a second one.
The taxi driver trying to make some conversation says to the little girl:
TD: "Are you sure all that chocolate is healthy for you?"
Girl: "You know, my grandfather lived for 135 years"
TD surprised: "Because he ate so much chocolate?"
Girl: "No, because he was minding his own business"
That was some sound advice.
...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..
Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.
My grandfather used say to the whole world celebrated 11/11, not because of armistice day, but because he was born.
When died I went to my mom and told her "I think I know what he would say if he was here today."
'The whole country is in mourning, not because it is 9/11, but because he died'
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the grandfather grandpa jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working grandfather grandson piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.