Grandfather Jokes
140 grandfather jokes and hilarious grandfather puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grandfather that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this collection of Grandfather Jokes. Perfect for a new grandfather, great-grandfather, or a kid who loves to make their dad, granddad, or gramps laugh. With jokes from Milton Jones, Rodney Rude, and many more, these grandfatherly gags are sure to put a smile on the face of all generations!
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Funniest Grandfather Short Jokes
Short grandfather jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grandfather humour may include short granddad jokes also.
- My grandfather warned people that the titanic would sink No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
- My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood. Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
- My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
- I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
- Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business. - My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s. Back then they called it the US Army.
- If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on.
My grandfathers favorite joke. - My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties. He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
- I still remember my Grandfather's last ever joke... He said to me, before he passed- 'Quick! Get my medicine!'
But, I didn't get it :/ - The last thing my grandfather told me was It's worth spending money on good speakers. That was some sound advice.
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Grandfather One Liners
Which grandfather one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grandfather? I can suggest the ones about grandpa and grandpa and grandson.
- I inherited my great-grandfather's antique wig-making equipment. It's a family hairloom.
- I still remember my grandfather's last words Don't point that gun at me you idiot
- I'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather... "Sorry I'm late."
- My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player He only ever lost once
- My grandfather survived both the hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings Being in Canada helped.
- My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious." I wish I'd thought of that quote.
- My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon It never really took off.
- My grandfather has a heart of a tiger. He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo.
- My 83 year old grandfather is still trying to be a successful rapper, his name? Two canes
- My grandfather died at auschwitz He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.
- What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock? "Look Grandpa, no hands!"
- My grandfather died peacefully and in his sleep but the kids on his bus were screaming.
- My Grandfather died in Auschwitz Poor guy fell out of the guard tower
- My grandfather was a baker in the army... ...he went in all buns glazing.
- My great grandfather sunk 5 U-boats in ww2 Easily the worst captain the kriegsmarine had
Great Grandfather Jokes
Here is a list of funny great grandfather jokes and even better great grandfather puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
- When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee. It is considered a family hairloom.
- My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs. I guess it runs in the- wait a minute
- My great-grandfather started up an underground distillery during Prohibition It was a whiskey business
- I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic. And as far as I know, he still is !!
- My great grandfather told me a joke from his time in WW2 A German man, a Japanese man and an Italian man walk into a BAR.
- I've been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator. Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.
- My great grandfather was a communist... His nickname was "popsickle"
- The flag on the moon. The flag on the moon is fading from the constant exposure to the sun. My grandfather said "Great in a few more years people are going to think the French landed there. "
- I want to be a baker My great grandfather was a baker, my grandfather was a baker and my dad was a baker.
I was bread for this.
Grandfather Grandson Jokes
Here is a list of funny grandfather grandson jokes and even better grandfather grandson puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between North Korea and the USA? In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson.
In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather. - Grandfather to his grandson: "Quick! Hide! Your teacher is coming here because you skipped school today." Grandson: "No! YOU hide. I told her you died today!"
- TIL that the "o" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts
- Food problems Grandfather:When I was a young boy we had to queue for a long time to get meat here in the USSR
Grandson:uhh...so grandpa what is meat?
New Grandfather Jokes
Here is a list of funny new grandfather jokes and even better new grandfather puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My grandfather's new 21 year old wife denies she's a gold digger but I think it's a little suspicious she married him less than a week after his death.
- He looks just like his grandfather —- a sweet thing to say about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama, it's an accusation.
- My grandfather was telling me about his new top-of-the-line hearing aid. "Yeah, it's the most expensive model they had! It cost me almost $6000!"
"What kind is it?"
"About a quarter past 6." - My grandfather has been diagnosed with alzheimer's disease. It isn't so bad because he enjoys meeting new people.
- My grandfather had the heart of a lion... And a ban from the New York Zoo.
Becoming A Grandfather Jokes
Here is a list of funny becoming a grandfather jokes and even better becoming a grandfather puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My grandfather told me that teenagers have become so lazy because of technology. "They're not the only ones," I said, looking at his mobility scooter.
- I asked my veteran grandfather what's the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet? Why didn't you become a real doctor?
- Before my grandfather died, he asked me to follow in his footsteps and become a metal worker. He told me it would be quite riveting.
- You know what's the worst thing about becoming a grandfather? You have to sleep with a grandmother from now on.
- When dads become grandfathers... Their dad jokes grow exponentially, just like their lineage.

Ridiculous Grandfather Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about grandfather you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grandpa and grandma jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grandfather pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.
My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later
I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"
My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."
My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.
He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.
He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.
"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."
My grandfather's favorite joke.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?
A f**....
*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's red and d**... dangles from the ceiling?
This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.
Pop Pop: What's red and d**... dangles from the ceiling?
Me: I don't know...
Pop Pop: A Red d**... dangle of course!
Pop Pop: What's green and d**... dangles from the ceiling?
Me: A green d**... dangle!
Pop Pop: No they only come in Red.
Me: :|
An old man is dying..
His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
My 93 year old grandfather FTW
We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.
When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea
Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...
My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood
It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.
A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...
The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:
"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."
The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"
To which the man responds:
"Man, that's exactly what I did!"
(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)
A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"
"Yes, there was"
answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.
"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"
"Yes, absolutely"
answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.
My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.
It is driving him up the wall.
Facts of life
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.
He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke
A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.
At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.
The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.
Unfortunately, the police found it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'll never forget
I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket.
"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
My grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a living.
The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous.
3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers
The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."
While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "
The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "
The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"
He replied:"under the overpass of course! "
A joke my late grandfather told me...
Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather had a s**... this week..
He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.
A man is walking his pet carrot
As he's walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok? The doctors sighs. I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive the man breathes a sigh of relief. What's the bad news doctor? The doctor looks him in the eyes and says Well I'm sorry but, your carrots gonna be a vegetable for the rest of its life.
I know it's dumb it was just of favorite of my grandfathers a long time ago and I thought I'd share it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket...
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.
"That's amazing."
"Not really. That's when it fell on top of him."
A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues
His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.
Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set
His password is ParisLondonMickeyMouse
Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyways.
The grandfather simply replies: It wanted two capitals and a character .
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance
His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(
My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand
I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock
My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]
A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.
I'm not gonna make fun of my grandfather's driving skills anymore.
Apparently parking zones disease is a real thing.
I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life.
He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."
How ungrateful people are
My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!
Death Joke
My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.
Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?
The judge told him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said,
"Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was really proud of my heritage until I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."
My grandfather used to play in a rock band called "The Hinges".
They usually opened for The Doors.
My 88 year-old grandfather is really good at sleeping.
He can do it with his eyes *open*.
It's been 24 minutes now and he hasn't blinked once.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket?
Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust.
Most of the guards survived didn't they?
Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty
Grandfather replied: there as clean as cold water can get 'em
Next day:
Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?
Grandpa: cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get
Alright, whatever you say
Day after:
Grandpa and grandkid are finishing dinner
Kid: grandpa I think I see a dog outside! Can we bring him in?
Grandpa: sure!
Grandpa opens the door
C'MERE COLD WATER!
(This joke was from my grandmother years ago)
Grandpa's Rocking Chair
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!
He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.
My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology.
I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
I'm 16 and my GF is 58
Honestly, I think my grandfather (GF) is too young. What do you guys think?
A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. Did God make you, PopPop? the girl asks.
Yep! He certainly did, the old man answers.
And did he make me too? she asks next.
Of course he did, the old man answers again.
Well, she replies, he's certainly getting better at it.
"What would a peaceful death be like?" asks the professor
"The same way my grandfather died" The student replies
"And how died your grandfather?"
"He fell asleep"
"Nice answer. And what would be a terrible death?"
"The way that my grandfather's friends died"
"And how died your grandfather friends?
"They were in the car with my grandfather when he fell asleep"
When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming in panic like his passengers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sunday Morning s**...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"
"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."
Don't joke about the war...
I told my friend that my grandfather died in the war.
He said "I am sorry to hear. How did he die?"
I said "One night there was a drunken party, and he fell off a guard tower!"
An old man sitting behind us interrupted. "You shouldn't joke about these things. It's offensive. My father actually died in the war."
I felt really bad, and apologized. "You're right it was insensitive of me. I'm sorry about your father, how did he die?"
He replied "One night there was a drunken party, and he was walking past a guard tower..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hitlers s**...
One jewish man tells a joke to a woman, so he says:
"Why did h**... commit s**...?"
She said: "I don't know."
he replies:".... He saw the gas bill."
Then she said:"That's horrible! How could you say that!"
And he replies: "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be joking about the holocaust. My great grandfather died in concentration camp."
The girl replies: "I'm so sorry to hear that."
And he says: "Yeah, it's sad, he fell off the guard tower."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet
I said, "you can't be serious"
He said, "I s**..., you knot"

