The Best 55 Granddad Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Granddad jokes. There are some granddad gran jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these granddad gramps puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Granddad Jokes and Puns
We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday
I called Grandma to see how he was doing.
"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.
"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.
"No, he's dead."
I nicknamed my granddad spiderman
he can get in the bath but can't get back out again
My grandma was recently beaten to death..
She came in just after my granddad
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."
Little Jimmy goes to school
His teacher asks him "Why weren't you in school yesterday Jimmy?"
He says "Sorry, my Granddad got burnt."
"Oh" she says "Was he badly burnt?"
Jimmy replied "Well they normally do a good job at the crematorium"
I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my granddad in that concentration camp during the war.
Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...
My granddad had the most boring job in the Army...
He was a Drill Sergeant.
My Granddad committed suicide.
He drove off a cliff.
Everyone was screaming and shouting at him telling him not to do it.
Then again he was a bus driver.
I asked my racist granddad what does he think should be illegal...
His reply, quite unsurprising, was "Youth in Asia" .
"When I was your age, I invented the time machine"
I told my Granddad.
Little Johnny skipped school one day...
and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."
You can explore granddad daddy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean granddad grandmother dad jokes. There are also granddad puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
In WW2 my granddad broke the enigma code...
machine.
What colour bricks?
Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.
My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!
If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?
None, a green house is made out of glass.
When I die, I want to go like my granddad - peacfully in my sleep ...
... not screaming like the passengers on his bus
I can remember my gran crying when my granddad went to Heaven.
Heaven was the name of his favourite gay bar.
Ice Cream Truck
My grandfather passed away recently and when we asked grandma how he died she said it was while they were making love. Surprised, we asked how they manage to be sexually active at their age. Grandma revealed that granddad times his strokes with sound of the local church bell to keep his heart rate at a low steady pace. Confused, we asked how did he die then? Grandma said, well unfortunately, an ice cream truck came along.
during the war when board games were illegal, my granddad was put in jail
He was a Yahtzee sympathiser
My Entire Family are Police Marksmen, Apart from my Granddad, who was a Bank Robber.
He died recently, surrounded by his family.
A man goes through 4 phases when its christmas in his life.
Kid - he believes in santa
Teenager - he stopped believing in santa
Dad - he is santa
Granddad - he looks like santa
Who's winning
Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game.
"What's the score Gramps?"
"92 to 86."
"Who's winning?" I asked.
"92"
"If you're making a face when the wind changes, it'll stay that way, you know!"
"Is that what happened to granddad?"
My granddad always did say that we were too reliant on technology...
I replied, "No, you are grandpa." As I unplugged his life support
When my granddad was ill the doctor told us to put butter on his back
after that he went downhill very quickly
My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."
He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…
My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".
I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.
Whats even better than a vibrator?
Your granddad with Parkinsons.
When my granddad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I can still remember the very first thing I said to him.
Have you got that five grand I lent you?
My granddad was a wise man...
...he told me that you can't find happiness all by yourself. To live a truly happy life you need to be in a fulfilling relationship. You need to find a wife that loves you unconditionally, a wife that challenges you on a daily basis, a wife that you always want to make love to and most importantly you must make sure that they'll never meet.
My grand-dad died in 9/11
He was the best pilot in Saudi-Arabia.
[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?
Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"
Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"
Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.
Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"
Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"
It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...
Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...
My granddad had an accident eating curry.
He slipped into a korma.
My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad
Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.
My granddad ate the confetti thrown at him out of sheer anger
My granddad was something of a legend: he actually went down in history
and on one occasion, fingered a girl in geography.
I want to die in my sleep like my granddad
not kicking and screaming like the passengers on the plane he was flying.
My granddad went to Vietnam and singlehandedly fought and injured 30 North Vietnamese.
Next year, we are vacationing somewhere else.
When my granddad was in the army, he saved his whole regiment...
...He shot the cook.
Dead old granddad
When I die, I want to go in my sleep like grand dad.
Not like the other 3 in the car he was driving.
My granddad always said, "It's easy to be wise after the event."
In retrospect, I don't think he should have ever said that.
When I die I want to be calm and quiet like my granddad.
Not screaming like his passengers.
My granddad always kept his head high.
even when others around him were losing theirs. He was a terrible helicopter pilot.
My Granddad went down in History,
and on one occasion fingered a girl in Geography.
(not my joke, I stole it from Gary Delaney.)
My granddad warned people that the titanic would sink
He kept talking about it until everyone got sick of hearing it, at which point they kicked him out of the movie theatre.
My favorite joke.
When I die I want to die like my granddad just drift off to sleep and never wake up... Not yelling and screaming like the other people in his car.
My Granddad kept trying to tell them that the Titanic would sink.
He kept on telling them, but noone listened. They all got sick of him and eventually kicked him out of the theatre.
My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan...
But he does like Hernando.
I brought my granddad to a spa where the fish eat your dead skin
My mom objected but atleast we saved money from the funeral
I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift.
He said, I hate it. It's driving me up the wall.
What is the best Dad joke?
A Grand-Dad joke.
My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens.
Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker.
One from my granddad many years ago. "Why do seals have flat dicks?"
[Do an impression of a seal while clapping your hands near your groin]
A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"
"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."
Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant
One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.
"What are you doing?!" he yells
"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back
"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"
"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear it. I have to get it back though, My teeth are in the pocket!"
(Just a silly joke my granddad told me yesterday. Didnt see it when I searched the sub so figured yall might enjoy)
Granddad could tell a tale
He used to say that as a boy he had the strongest arm in the county. He said he could throw a stick so hard that it would take his dog an hour to retrieve it.
To me that always seemed far-fetched.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the granddad grampa jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working granddad pappy piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.