Granddad Jokes
64 granddad jokes and hilarious granddad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about granddad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Granddad Short Jokes
Short granddad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The granddad humour may include short grandpa jokes also.
- My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker. - My granddad always used to say, "as one door closes another one opens" Wonderful guy, terrible cabinet maker.
- I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket. 'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'
- My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped. "That's amazing."
"Not really. That's when it fell on top of him." - My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card." He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…
- It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice... Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...
- Old people love My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.
- My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing". I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.
- When my granddad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I can still remember the very first thing I said to him. Have you got that five grand I lent you?
- I'll always remember Granddad's last words to me... "WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER?"
Share These Granddad Jokes With Friends
Granddad One Liners
Which granddad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with granddad? I can suggest the ones about grandfather grandson and great grandfather.
- What is the best Dad joke? A Grand-Dad joke.
- My grandma was recently beaten to death.. She came in just after my granddad
- "When I was your age, I invented the time machine" I told my Granddad.
- I'll never forget my granddad's last words Are you holding that ladder properly?
- My grand-dad died in 9/11 He was the best pilot in Saudi-Arabia.
- My granddad had an accident eating curry. He slipped into a korma.
- My granddad had the most boring job in the Army... He was a Drill Sergeant.
- In WW2 my granddad broke the enigma code... machine.
- I nicknamed my granddad spiderman he can get in the bath but can't get back out again
- When my granddad was in the army, he saved his whole regiment... ...He shot the cook.
- My granddad ate the confetti thrown at him out of sheer anger
- Someone's male ancestor turned 1000 Years old today Now that's what I call a grand-dad
- I will never forget my Granddad's final word on 9/11 attack "Allah Akbar"
- My granddad got high blood pressure I told him he's a bit old to join a gang.
Cheeky Granddad Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about granddad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grandpa and grandma jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make granddad pranks.
We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday
I called Grandma to see how he was doing.
"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.
"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.
"No, he's dead."
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."
Little Jimmy goes to school
His teacher asks him "Why weren't you in school yesterday Jimmy?"
He says "Sorry, my Granddad got burnt."
"Oh" she says "Was he badly burnt?"
Jimmy replied "Well they normally do a good job at the crematorium"
I'll never forgive the n**... for how they treated my granddad in that concentration camp during the war.
Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...
I asked my racist granddad what does he think should be i**......
His reply, quite unsurprising, was "Youth in Asia" .
Little Johnny skipped school one day...
and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your f**...."
What colour bricks?
Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.
My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!
If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?
None, a green house is made out of glass.
When I die, I want to go like my granddad - peacfully in my sleep ...
... not screaming like the passengers on his bus
Ice Cream Truck
My grandfather passed away recently and when we asked grandma how he died she said it was while they were making love. Surprised, we asked how they manage to be s**... active at their age. Grandma revealed that granddad times his strokes with sound of the local church bell to keep his heart rate at a low steady pace. Confused, we asked how did he die then? Grandma said, well unfortunately, an ice cream truck came along.
My granddad's favourite joke
What time is it when the elephant sits on the fence?
Time to get a new fence...
My Entire Family are Police Marksmen, Apart from my Granddad, who was a Bank Robber.
He died recently, surrounded by his family.
Who's winning
Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game.
"What's the score Gramps?"
"92 to 86."
"Who's winning?" I asked.
"92"
My granddad always did say that we were too reliant on technology...
I replied, "No, you are grandpa." As I unplugged his life support
When my granddad was ill the doctor told us to put butter on his back
after that he went downhill very quickly
My granddad was a wise man...
...he told me that you can't find happiness all by yourself. To live a truly happy life you need to be in a fulfilling relationship. You need to find a wife that loves you unconditionally, a wife that challenges you on a daily basis, a wife that you always want to make love to and most importantly you must make sure that they'll never meet.
My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad
Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.
My granddad was something of a legend: he actually went down in history
and on one occasion, fingered a girl in geography.
A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.
After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"
"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."
The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"
"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you not long ago."
The girl felt her own face and then her granddad's again, thought for a moment and then said, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
My granddad went to Vietnam and singlehandedly fought and injured 30 North Vietnamese.
Next year, we are vacationing somewhere else.
Dead old granddad
When I die, I want to go in my sleep like grand dad.
Not like the other 3 in the car he was driving.
I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.
It's a family hair loom.
My favorite joke.
When I die I want to die like my granddad just drift off to sleep and never wake up... Not yelling and screaming like the other people in his car.
My Granddad kept trying to tell them that the Titanic would sink.
He kept on telling them, but noone listened. They all got sick of him and eventually kicked him out of the theatre.
My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan...
But he does like Hernando.
I brought my granddad to a spa where the fish eat your dead skin
My mom objected but atleast we saved money from the f**...
I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift.
He said, I hate it. It's driving me up the wall.
One from my granddad many years ago. "Why do seals have flat d**...?"
[Do an impression of a seal while clapping your hands near your groin]
A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"
"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."
Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant
o**... goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.
"What are you doing?!" he yells
"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back
"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"
"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear it. I have to get it back though, My teeth are in the pocket!"
(Just a silly joke my granddad told me yesterday. Didnt see it when I searched the sub so figured yall might enjoy)
Granddad could tell a tale
He used to say that as a boy he had the strongest arm in the county. He said he could throw a stick so hard that it would take his dog an hour to retrieve it.
To me that always seemed far-fetched.
I'll never forget my granddad's last word to me just before he died
the words where: JIMMY ARE U STILL HOLDING THE LADDERS
