Following is our collection of funny Granddad jokes. There are some granddad gran jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these granddad gramps puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
I called Grandma to see how he was doing.
"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.
"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.
"No, he's dead."
he can get in the bath but can't get back out again
She came in just after my granddad
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."
His teacher asks him "Why weren't you in school yesterday Jimmy?"
He says "Sorry, my Granddad got burnt."
"Oh" she says "Was he badly burnt?"
Jimmy replied "Well they normally do a good job at the crematorium"
Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...
He was a Drill Sergeant.
He drove off a cliff.
Everyone was screaming and shouting at him telling him not to do it.
Then again he was a bus driver.
His reply, quite unsurprising, was "Youth in Asia" .
I told my Granddad.
and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."
You can explore granddad daddy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean granddad grandmother dad jokes. There are also granddad puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
machine.
Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.
My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!
If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?
None, a green house is made out of glass.
... not screaming like the passengers on his bus
Heaven was the name of his favourite gay bar.
My grandfather passed away recently and when we asked grandma how he died she said it was while they were making love. Surprised, we asked how they manage to be sexually active at their age. Grandma revealed that granddad times his strokes with sound of the local church bell to keep his heart rate at a low steady pace. Confused, we asked how did he die then? Grandma said, well unfortunately, an ice cream truck came along.
He was a Yahtzee sympathiser
He died recently, surrounded by his family.
Kid - he believes in santa
Teenager - he stopped believing in santa
Dad - he is santa
Granddad - he looks like santa
Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game.
"What's the score Gramps?"
"92 to 86."
"Who's winning?" I asked.
"92"
"Is that what happened to granddad?"
I replied, "No, you are grandpa." As I unplugged his life support
after that he went downhill very quickly
He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…
I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.
Your granddad with Parkinsons.
Have you got that five grand I lent you?
...he told me that you can't find happiness all by yourself. To live a truly happy life you need to be in a fulfilling relationship. You need to find a wife that loves you unconditionally, a wife that challenges you on a daily basis, a wife that you always want to make love to and most importantly you must make sure that they'll never meet.
He was the best pilot in Saudi-Arabia.
Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"
Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"
Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.
Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"
Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"
Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...
He slipped into a korma.
Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.
and on one occasion, fingered a girl in geography.
not kicking and screaming like the passengers on the plane he was flying.
Next year, we are vacationing somewhere else.
...He shot the cook.
When I die, I want to go in my sleep like grand dad.
Not like the other 3 in the car he was driving.
In retrospect, I don't think he should have ever said that.
Not screaming like his passengers.
even when others around him were losing theirs. He was a terrible helicopter pilot.
and on one occasion fingered a girl in Geography.
(not my joke, I stole it from Gary Delaney.)
He kept talking about it until everyone got sick of hearing it, at which point they kicked him out of the movie theatre.
When I die I want to die like my granddad just drift off to sleep and never wake up... Not yelling and screaming like the other people in his car.
He kept on telling them, but noone listened. They all got sick of him and eventually kicked him out of the theatre.
But he does like Hernando.
My mom objected but atleast we saved money from the funeral
He said, I hate it. It's driving me up the wall.
A Grand-Dad joke.
Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker.
[Do an impression of a seal while clapping your hands near your groin]
"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the granddad grampa jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working granddad pappy piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.