Grandchildren Jokes
32 grandchildren jokes and hilarious grandchildren puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grandchildren that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Grandchildren Short Jokes
Short grandchildren jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grandchildren humour may include short granddaughter jokes also.
- My daughter just told me she's infertile. "That's a great joke," I said. "I can't wait to tell it to my grandchildren."
- "Mr. Sessions, thank you for agreeing to testify before us today. Could you please tell us, what did you discuss with the Russian ambassador?" "Our grandchildren."
- If the opposite of bachelor is bachelorette, what's the opposite of cigar? Living to see your grandchildren.
- How many grandchildren does it take to pick up the phone? I don't know. Every time grandma calls, they vanish.
- The best name for a child I want to name my child squat so when he's a grandpa his grandchildren will call him papa squat.
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Grandchildren One Liners
Which grandchildren one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grandchildren? I can suggest the ones about grandson and grandparents.
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? Because they have a common enemy
- Why did the Alabaman get a vasectomy? He wanted to stop having grandchildren.
- What did a Republican grandma give her grandchildren for Christmas? Mittens.
Comical Grandchildren Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about grandchildren you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grandfather grandson jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grandchildren pranks.
My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.
He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.
He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
The secret to a long life
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
The secret of long life
A young man met a cowboy who was 104, still active and in good health. He asked the old-timer what the secret was to his longevity.
The old man said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning see. If you do, you'll live to a nice, ripe old age."
So the young man did this religiously every day for the rest of his life, and sure enough, lived to the age of 100.
When he died he left behind 6 children, 10 grandchildren, 56 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Smith family is having a reunion.
The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.
While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she begins to leeeaaan to the right, so cousin John lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her right side.
Later, Uncle Bob approaches and asks if she's enjoying the family reunion. She takes out her notepad and slowly writes, "They won't let me f**..."
Obit
This printed in a Texas newspaper :
The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106.
On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.
When I was Young
I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.
He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."
It must be true, since when he died last year, he was 97, and left thirteen children, twenty-seven grandchildren, twelve great grandchildren, four great great grand children, and a fifteen foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man walks into a confessional...
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s**... with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .
Restaurant signboard
A signboard outside a restaurant read "eat as much as you can, your grand children will pay the bill"... A man entered the restaurant and ate as much as he could, got a toothpick and was relaxing when the waiter gave him the bill. He laughed and pointed to the signboard, don't you see, "my grandchildren will pay" The waiter replied, "This is not your bill, it's your grandfather's bill".
A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant
The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman's doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.
What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren - and you tell her she's pregnant?
The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, tell me, does she still have the hiccups?
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."
Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous check. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."
"Wow! How come ? remarked Dolly.
"Very simple solution... I don't sign the check!"
Paying forward
A signboard outside a restaurant read
"Eat as much as you can, your grand children will pay the Bill".
A man entered the restaurant and ate as he could, got a toothpick and was relaxing. The waiter gave him the bill. He laughed and pointed to the signboard, don't you see, "only my grandchildren will pay" ! The waiter politely replied, " Sir, This is not your bill, it's your grandfather's Bill"........The man fainted....
Ideas are many to make Money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian World War II veteran
Is telling his grandchildren:
"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we b**...-f**... you, or we shoot you..."
"And what happened, grandpa?"
"The cursed n**... shot me to death."
Adultery
n old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.
I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?
Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish
So why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
A family gather round the death bed of grandad, his solicitor arrives as the man is able to read out his will:
'To my daughter, I leave my Kensington properties says grandad'
'To my son, I leave my Richmond properties'
'Finally, as I have the most properties in Windsor and Ascot, I leave these for the grandchildren'
The solicitor turns to the grandmother and quietly whispers 'My god, I never knew your husband had amassed such wealth'
'Wealth!' Shouts out the grandmother 'These are his window cleaning routes'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Our grandchildren in 2060
"Grandma, why did you look like a dog when you were a teen?"
I really hate that filter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yesterday I took my grandchildren to the park, a Woman came up to me and accused me of being a p**....
I was outraged,
her kids weren't even hot.
An old man was telling stories to his grandchildren about his hunting days.
"When I was thirty years old," he said, "I was out hunting in India, when a 13-foot tiger jumped out from behind a tree and roared at me. ROAR! I just soiled myself."
"I don't blame you," said one of the grandchildren. "If such an enormous tiger roared at me like that, I too would have soiled myself."
"Not then," replied the old man. "Just now when I said ROAR!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Satan appears to a lawyer...
...and says to him, "I offer you this deal. Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate. You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books. After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of your wife, your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren will all be forfeit to me, and you will all be d**... for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a few seconds and then asked, "So, what's the catch"
Long life
A old friend of mine passed the other day, she was 107 years old, I asked her once what her secret to living so long was, she told me that when she was a child she asked her great grandfather the same question and he told her to sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder on top of her oatmeal every morning, and she and all her family has followed that advice, it worked apparently, she left behind 7 children, 17 grandchildren, 29 great grandchildren, 42 great great grandchildren, and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lawyer is parking his BMW...
A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.
The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, "You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost? I'm a lawyer! I'll sue you so bad your grandchildren will feel it!"
The cab driver sighs and says, "You lawyers are all the same, only care about material things. Your door got ripped off, yet you didn't realize you also lost your arm."
The lawyer looks down to see his left arm missing, looks back and the cabbie and yells, "My Rolex!"
