grandad Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious grandad puns

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A little girl asks her grandad...

"Would you make a frog noise for me?"
The grandad, confused asks, "why?"
The little girl replies, "dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland".

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Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

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A father tucks his son in

A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had dies of a heartattack. The father remember his sons pray and was a little worried but he shrugged it off. A couple of weeks and the father goes to tuck his son in, sure enough he hears his son praying " Please God look after mum, dad and byebye grandma. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandma had of a stroke. The father is worried about this but still shrugs it off. A couple more weeks pass and the father goes to tuck his son in. He hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, byebye daddy. Now the father freaks out about his, he doesnt sleep at all that night and when he goes to work he cant do anything becaise of his worrying. Whem he gets home he says to his wife "you wouldnt know how much of a i've had a terrible day i had today". Too which his wife replies "you think you had a bad day? I found the bloody postman dead on our doorstep!!"

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Knock knock

Knock Knock

Whose there?

Grandad

QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!

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My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

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My Grandad was a WWII veteran.

In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing 32 Nazi aviators.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

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A Loving Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

Grandad smiled, and the woman said, William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......the little shit's name is Kevin."

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Sitting on a park bench

One day a kid was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

An older man walks up and notices the young boy and says, "you shouldn't be eating all those candy bars, they aren't good for you."

The young boy looks at the man and replies, "did you know my grandad lived to be a 108 years old?"

The man replies, "well did he eat candy bars every day?"

And the kid replied, "no, he minded his own fucking business."

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My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

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Heart of a lion

My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

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Grandad what's a cunt?

One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cunt?"
The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets one of his old porno mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a naked woman posing.
"You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below Johnny?"
"Yes."
"Well the person who put them there is a cunt."

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Why do old people read the bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?"

He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

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My grandad has the heart of a lion...

...and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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I'll never forget the last thing my Grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket...

he said, "Grandson, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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My Grandad placed three cups on the table, open end down.

Then he put a ball under one of the cups and moved them around the table really fast.
After thirty seconds of this, he stopped and said, "Okay, which one is it under?"

"The middle one."

"Well done! How did you know?"

"Because your other testicle is connected to it."

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How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

Nothing, it's on the house!

(Thanks grandad for this)

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I walked into my grandparents house

and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed."

"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

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So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ...

Only problem is, I can never tell if it's just buffering or if he's having a stroke.

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You know the last thing my grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket?

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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My grandad always used to say: "you need to be upfront with everybody"

Great bloke, shit goalkeeper

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A grandad remembers the good old days

When I was a boy, my mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I'd come back with 2 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a large chunk of cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that nowadays.

Too many fucking security cameras.

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I just shot my mum, my dad, my sister and my brother.

Then my aunty walked in the door with my cousins and I shot them straight away. My grandma and grandad came in, I let them have a cup of tea before I shot them too. Tomorrow I've got to shoot my wife's whole fucking family!

It's hard work being the family photographer.

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An old man and his grandson are sitting on a porch...

The old man pulls out a cigar and starts puffing it. The grandson asks "Grandad can I have a puff?"
The old man replies "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
the boy replies "Of course not Grandpa!"
"Then you ain't man enough for this!" he says.
Soon after the man pulls out a bottle of scotch and starts taking swigs of it.
"Grandpa, Can I have a sip?" the boy asks.
"Does your dick touch your asshole?" He asks back.
"Grandpa, you know it doesn't!" he said getting flustered.
"Well, then you know you ain't man enough" he says and returns to his drink.
The boy is mad and goes into the house to play with his toys. He comes back out about 45 minutes later with a plate of cookies.
"Can I have one?" the old man asked
"Does your dick touch your asshole?" the boy questioned him.
"Of course it does, otherwise I wouldn't have smoked the cigar or drank the scotch!" he said.
"Then go fuck yourself! because Grandma made these cookies for me!" he shouted at the old man and went back into the house.


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I will never forget what my grandad said just before he kicked the bucket.

He looked me dead in the eye and said. "Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

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[OC] Grandad was a Flash cosplayer back in his days

Cause I have found some of his gray uniforms from the 1940's with thunder signs on it.

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My grandad the bus driver passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday

unlike his passengers

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I always looked up to my Grandad... I especially remember his last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!!!

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My grandad pointed to my dog while he was rubbing his arse on the floor.

I said, "Don't try and distract me, old man."

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My grandad had an old dog...

one day, he must have known he was dying, he crawled out into the yard, shit everywhere and died under a car.
We had to give the dog to a shelter after that.

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My Grandad went down in history

and on one occasion, fingered a girl in geography.

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So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ...

Is it buffering or is he having a stroke?

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Innocent little girl !!

"Would you make a frog noise for me?" The grandad, confused asks, "why?" The little girl replies, "dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland".

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A young boy asked his grandad to do his frog impression...

Grandad: "What do you mean?"
Boy: "Do your frog impression!"
Grandad: "What frog impression?"
Boy: "Mum says: When you croak, we can go to Disney World!"

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Silly Grandad

Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its called intercourse and thats how you make babys." ten minutes later John returns "Freds mum said its called bunkbeds, and she needs a word with you"

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A story about morals

Teacher in school asks if anyone has a story with a moral at the end

Timmy puts his hand up and says "I do miss" teacher nods for him to proceed with his story

Timmy explains this story is about his grandad in WWII.

"My grandad was in a big battle during the war, all his other soldiers died and he was just by himself, he had 4 bullets, his bayonet & a bottle of whiskey, the Germans surrounded the bunker he was in. So my grandad drank the whole bottle of whiskey shot 4 Germans and stabbed the rest"

The teacher asks "what is the moral of this story Timmy" and Timmy replies "Well miss the moral of the story is don't fuck with my grandad when he's drunk"

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"Pornography has really damaged the way you view sex,"

exclaimed my girlfriend, "I've had enough, I'm leaving."

I said, "Before you go, can we fuck on the snooker table while your Grandad watches?"

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My family have been doing a collective workout challenge.

It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....


...or, Grandad.

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When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday.

Now he's 70, but we have no idea where he is

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Fishing trip

One day a grandpa and grandson go the lake, get in a boat and go fishing. After a while of catching no fish, the grandpa decides to light a cigarette.

The boy goes, " oh wow grandpa, could I take a puff?" Grandad asks, " can your dick touch your ass?" "No" says the boy. "Well then no you cant " says grandpa.

More time passes and still no fish. Grandpa takes out his porno magazine he happened to bring along and starts flipping through it. Boy asks," Hey grandpa, can I look at that?" "Can your dick touch your ass?"asks grandpa. Boy sadly says "no".

After much more time and still no fish, they both start to get really really hungry. The boy then decides to pull out a sandwich he had packed and he starts eating it. Grandpa looks over at him and hungrily asks, " hey, do you think I could have a bite? " The boy asks," can your dick touch your ass?" The grandpa proudly says, " you damn right it can"

The boy smiles at him and says, " Well then go fuck yourself"

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10 year old boy and grandad go camping...

Boy: Granddad can I have a sip of beer?
Granddad: can your penis reach your ass?
Boy: no.
Granddad: then you'll have to wait until it does.
Boy goes to the cooler and grabs an ice cream sandwich.

Granddad: hey grandson, can I have a bite of your sandwich?
Boy: can your penis reach your ass?
Granddad: why, yes it can grandson.
Boy: then go screw yourself; this is my ice cream sandwich!

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What's the difference between me and cancer?

My grandad didn't beat cancer.

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Once upon a time there was a man.

Today there are many


**EDIT** Grandad joke. Rest his soul

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We were sat outside in the sun and my mum says "It's nice getting some vitamin D isn't it" my grandma then said " I get my vitamin D every day" then gave that look to my grandad

I am currently digging my grave

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My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

He said, "It's worth spending money on good speakers."

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My grandad has a heart of a lion

And a life time ban from San Diego Zoo

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So many jokes about the Holocaust but how would you feel if your grandparent died in Auschwitz?

My grandad did, he fell off the guard tower.

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Anyone else hate their war veteran grandads at the dinner table?

I'm trying to eat dinner here grandad I don't care how many Jews you've killed!!!

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I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my grandad in that concentration camp during the war...

Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...

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My grandad died because we didn't get his blood type right. He kept saying, Be positive! Be positive!

And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A

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I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.

He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.

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I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandad did.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

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My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

Not as in, with a stick – he just died first

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Trying to help my grandad use the computer

and he asks me how to paste something, told him to control P and he said he hasn't been able to do that for years!

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A grandad was getting his hair cut....

His young grand daughter was sitting on the floor beneath him eating a muffin.

"Watch out" said the grandad "You are going to get hair on your muffin"

"Not only that" said the grand daughter "I'm going to get tits too!"

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When I die, I want to go quietly, in my sleep, like my grandad...

Not screaming, like the passengers in his bus.

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There's nothing but shit on the TV every night! -moaned my Grandad.

The sanitation in his Nursing Home is dreadful...

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Mum!! Please can you take me to the toilet?

No! I'm busy. Ask your grandmother.

Actually I'd rather ask Grandad. His hand shakes more.

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My grandad has the heart of a lion...

...and a lifetime ban from the Edinburgh zoo

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A fight breaks out at a wedding....

A fight breaks out at a wedding. A man pulls out a gun and shoots his Grandad, Brother, and Uncle but there is only one victim. How is this possible?

The wedding was held in Alabama

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What did grandad say before he kicked the bucket?

"watch how far I can kick this bucket"

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My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. "Two quid for a cup of tea?!"...

I said, "Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!"

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I won't forget what my Grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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Kid 1: "My grandad can play the piano with his feet"

Kid 2: "That's nothing; MY grandad fiddles with his dick"

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"Knok Knock "

-"Knok Knock."
="Who's there ?"
-"Grandad"
="Shit, stop the funeral"

cr

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I remember the last thing my grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket.

"I'm going to kick this bucket"

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My grandad gave me some sound advise on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers", he told me.

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My grandad is egyptian....

He's an old giza

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My grandad was killed by a zulu

He was having a shit in London zoo and the roof fell in.

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We used to call my Grandad spiderman...

He wasn't agile, he just couldn't get out of the bath.

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My dad's Christian and my mom's jewish and they LOVE recycling...

But it's a little awkward for both me and my grandad on ash wednesday. Sadly he didn't survive the holocaust.

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My grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish.

Bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back.

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My Grandad puts Viagra in his coffee

It stops his biscuits going soft

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I'll never forget what my grandad said before he kicked the bucket

"Watch me kick that bucket"

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When my grandad was 75 he started walking 5 miles a day.

He's 80 now and no one knows where the hell he is!

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My grandad says every morning when he measures his allotment it's a couple of inches smaller than the day before.

I think He's slowly losing the plot.

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My grandad died peacefully in his sleep

...that's the way I'd like to go, not screaming like all his passengers.

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My grandad accidently bit his own tongue off during WW2

He never talks about it though

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My grandad used to race pigeons...

He could never keep up with them though.

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My grandad shared this joke the other day

A man was at the checkout of a supermarket with his shopping on the conveyer belt, the cashier took a look at the man's shopping and then asked the man "you're single aren't you?" The man, astounded replies "yes, you could tell that just from what I'm buying?" To which the cashier replies " No, you're ugly"

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Knock knock

Knock Knock

Whose there?

Grandad

QUICK, STOP THE FUNERAL.

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Grandad: hey Sonny, what's the name of that German?

Grandson: for the thousandth time grandad, it's Alzheimer

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Poor Will...

Everyone's always firing at him.

A joke my grandad would use on occasion.

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Damned if you do

Grandad: My sister drowned in a pond. Dreadfully sad...

Me: Oh my God, that's terrible!

Grandad: Not really. If she'd floated, we would have had to burn her!

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Frog noise

Little boy said to his grandad one day, grandad, can you make a noise like a frog? Grandad replies, no why? oh, it's just dad says when you croak we are going to Disney land.

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My grandad always said, "You should never judge a book by its cover."

And it's for that reason that he lost his job as chair of the British Book Cover Awards panel.

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My Grandfather is always complaining about the cost of things: " $5 for a cup of coffee, $7 for a cookie?"

I said " Look Grandad, you just showed up: I didn't invite you..."

Milton Jones

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My Grandad used to tell me a story about how he once saw a Polar Bear fall from a great height

...He said it was a great ice breaker

*ba-dum-tschh*

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My grandad keeps complaining about erectile dysfunction.

He really needs to grow up.

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Grandad had some advise.

You know my Grandad passed away the other day. Lived to be 103. He told me his secret to living a good life and leaving a legacy was that he put one .45's worth of gunpowder over his eggs every morning. Said it gave him that "kick" he needed to take life by the balls. Grandad was right about leaving a legacy though. He left behind 1 wife, 2 mistress, 6 kids, 9 grand-kids, 3 great-grand kids, and a 20ft hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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I want to die in my sleep like my grandad

Not screaming and crying like his passengers.

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My grandad let me in on the secret to picking up hot Jewish girls during WWII..

with a brush and shovel..

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My grandad always said 'don't believe everything you hear' .It was great advice.

Or was it?

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My grandad said that my generation relies too much on technology

So I replied back and said "No, your generation relies too much on technology"

So I unplugged his life support

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My grandad fought in the war, he was posted to germany.

He was Missing In Action for weeks, because the army couldn't afford recorded post.

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Joke my Grandad told me, he did today.

In an argument with my girlfriend yesterday, she shouted at me:

"Stop making jokes about rape! How do you think the women feel?"

"Depends on the girth," was probably not the best response.

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two guys were talking about their ancestors

One guy said
"My great grandfather was in a concentration camp when he died when he tried to escape"
"that's funny" said the other guy
"whys that?" questioned the other
"my great grandad was killed when he fell out of a guard tower onto an escaping prisoner."

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I showed my grandad how to use YouTube and he was blown away. He was like, "I never would've imagined seeing something like this in my lifetime"

It took everything in me not to show him Pornhub.

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My grandad doesn't like chicken...

But my Nandos

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Last Christmas I gave my grandad a prostitute and a duvet....

Which surprised him, as he'd actually asked for a tartan blanket.

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My Grandads motto was "Never give up"....

He died of lung cancer

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Grandad: I fought in the war, you know.

Grandson: Were you a Roundhead or a Cavalier?

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My Grandad said he sometimes still feels like an 18 year old.

But he can't find one that feels like an 80 year old.

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Grandad at my Grandma's funeral

Family friend: Are you alright?
Grandad: No, I'm half left

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Knock Knock

Who's there?
..
.
.
.

Grandad
.
.
.

QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!

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No jokes about the Holocaust please, my grandad died in that.

He fell off a watchtower.

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My grandad just got a new hearing aid and was telling me about it.

He said, "It's top of the line, really expensive."

I asked, "What type is it?"

He said, "2:30."

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My dad's one of the laziest guys I know

He's slept more than my great grandad and he's been dead for 60 years.

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A joke from my grandad

Why is a duck filled with feathers.

To cover it's buttquack

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My grandad didn't report his symptoms

He didn't report his symptoms of motor neurone disease for 5 months... he didn't have the nerve to say anything...

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My English teacher said " Your grammar is shit."

I replied " Your grandad is a cunt."

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My grandad died in a concentration camp during WWII

He fell out his guard dower

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Why did the Jewish couple named their child 137645?

They named him after his grandad

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My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed...

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[OC] I was going to tell a joke to my Grandad but he stole my punchline before I even got a word out.

I still cant work out how he knew I was going to ask him to pull my finger.

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Long: The boy and his grandad

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My grandad used to race pigeons.

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My grandad used to race pigeons...

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My grandad: what starts with I, ends with I and is filled with I?

Charade TV

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My grandad found a huge lump in his ball sack this morning.

Turns out it was just his knee.

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Don't be mean about my grandad, he died in the holocaust :(

Fell out of a watchtower.

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Every time I see my grandad he tells me the same joke.

Grandad - How's Harry?

Me - Harry Who?

Grandad - I'm fine thanks, how are you?

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When I die I hope to die peacefully in my sleep like grandad...

Not screaming and on fire like the passengers in his car.

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my grandad has got Parkinson's,

but he's trying to shake it off

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We called my Grandad Spiderman...

Because he struggled to get out of the bath.

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We used to say my Grandad was like Spiderman, not because he was a web-slinging superhero...

But because he struggled to get out of the bath.

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My grandad was finally released from the Alzheimer's clinic so I took him to the new bar down the road

This has been here as long as I can remember

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I took my grandad who has Alzheimer's to the new bar which had just opened down the street

This bar has been here as long as I can remember he said.

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What are the best Grandad puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Grandad? Well, here are the best jokes about Grandad to have fun with.

Joko Jokes