The Best 67 Grandad Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Grandad jokes. There are some grandad grandfather jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these grandad byebye puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Grandad Jokes and Puns

My grandad shared this joke the other day

A man was at the checkout of a supermarket with his shopping on the conveyer belt, the cashier took a look at the man's shopping and then asked the man "you're single aren't you?" The man, astounded replies "yes, you could tell that just from what I'm buying?" To which the cashier replies " No, you're ugly"

My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ...

Only problem is, I can never tell if it's just buffering or if he's having a stroke.

Grandad joke, So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ...

A little girl asks her grandad...

"Would you make a frog noise for me?"
The grandad, confused asks, "why?"
The little girl replies, "dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland".

I will never forget what my grandad said just before he kicked the bucket.

He looked me dead in the eye and said. "Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"


Why do old people read the bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?"

He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

A young boy asked his grandad to do his frog impression...

Grandad: "What do you mean?"
Boy: "Do your frog impression!"
Grandad: "What frog impression?"
Boy: "Mum says: When you croak, we can go to Disney World!"

Grandad joke, A young boy asked his grandad to do his frog impression...

My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. "Two quid for a cup of tea?!"...

I said, "Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!"

Silly Grandad

Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its called intercourse and thats how you make babys." ten minutes later John returns "Freds mum said its called bunkbeds, and she needs a word with you"

A fight breaks out at a wedding....

A fight breaks out at a wedding. A man pulls out a gun and shoots his Grandad, Brother, and Uncle but there is only one victim. How is this possible?

The wedding was held in Alabama

Once upon a time there was a man.

Today there are many

You can explore grandad gran reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean grandad gramps dad jokes. There are also grandad puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Grandad: hey Sonny, what's the name of that German?

Grandson: for the thousandth time grandad, it's Alzheimer

Mum!! Please can you take me to the toilet?

No! I'm busy. Ask your grandmother.

Actually I'd rather ask Grandad. His hand shakes more.

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

I remember the last thing my grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket.

"I'm going to kick this bucket"

I'll never forget what my grandad said before he kicked the bucket

"Watch me kick that bucket"

Grandad joke, I'll never forget what my grandad said before he kicked the bucket

I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.

He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.

Anyone else hate their war veteran grandads at the dinner table?

I'm trying to eat dinner here grandad I don't care how many Jews you've killed!!!

[OC] Grandad was a Flash cosplayer back in his days

Cause I have found some of his gray uniforms from the 1940's with thunder signs on it.


My dad's Christian and my mom's jewish and they LOVE recycling...

But it's a little awkward for both me and my grandad on ash wednesday. Sadly he didn't survive the holocaust.

My Grandfather is always complaining about the cost of things: " $5 for a cup of coffee, $7 for a cookie?"

I said " Look Grandad, you just showed up: I didn't invite you..."

Milton Jones

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

My grandad is egyptian....

He's an old giza

When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday.

Now he's 70, but we have no idea where he is

My family have been doing a collective workout challenge.

It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....

...or, Grandad.

So many jokes about the Holocaust but how would you feel if your grandparent died in Auschwitz?

My grandad did, he fell off the guard tower.

How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

Nothing, it's on the house!

(Thanks grandad for this)

My grandad says every morning when he measures his allotment it's a couple of inches smaller than the day before.

I think He's slowly losing the plot.

My grandad the bus driver passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday

unlike his passengers

We were sat outside in the sun and my mum says "It's nice getting some vitamin D isn't it" my grandma then said " I get my vitamin D every day" then gave that look to my grandad

I am currently digging my grave

We used to call my Grandad spiderman...

He wasn't agile, he just couldn't get out of the bath.

My grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish.

Bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back.

Trying to help my grandad use the computer

and he asks me how to paste something, told him to control P and he said he hasn't been able to do that for years!

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

What did grandad say before he kicked the bucket?

"watch how far I can kick this bucket"

My highschool teacher just became a grandfather

True story, a little background I had a teacher in highschool that I kept up with after graduation, he is also a little Aspergery.

So I just found out that he became a grandfather so I asked him What are you gonna have the kid call you ie grandad, grandpa, gramps etc... And in complete seriousness he responds with
"He's not gonna call me anything he can't talk"

As my old Grandad was so fond of saying , "When you're in a hole stop digging"

It cost him his job in the graveyard , though.

My dad, grandad, great grandad and great great grandad were all circus clowns.

Not something I ever wanted to do. Their shoes were just too big to fill.

My Grandad is a truly special man

He has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh Zoo.

My Grandad was a great man and went down in history

And on one occasion he fingered a girl in geography.

When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens.

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Grandad went into a nursing home,

so I rang them to see how he was.

Nurse said, "He's like a fish out of water."

I said, "So he's finding it hard to adjust?"

She said, "No, he's dead!"

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.

My great grandad was a baker in the army during WW1

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

Just found out my grandad left me a stately home in his will.

I just don't know where sod hall is...

A little boy asked his grandad where poo came from

The grandad was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. The little boy looked a little perplexed and stared at him in stunned silence for a few seconds before asking "And Tigger?"

My grandad is getting old and he's starting to have a hard time with all the stares

It's his own fault, I told him not to get that face tattoo.

During WW2 my grandad downed over 35 German planes...

He still holds the record as the worst mechanic in Luftwaffe history.

My nan was beaten to death by my grandad

It was by about 2yrs

My grandad never used to like throwing things away

He died in WW2 holding onto a hand grenade

When I die I want to go like my grandad did: peacefully in my sleep ...

Not yelling and screaming like the other three people in the car.

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the cinema.

My grandad said us teenagers rely to much on technology

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support

Grandad asked what's on TV; I said "Austria and Hungary are playing". He asked

"against who?"

My grandad went down in history.

.....he also fingered someone in geography.

My grandad said there's gangs at his retirement village

The blood clots and the cripples

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He was still playing right up till the moment he died aged 86 when my grandmother stabbed him in the neck with a fork.

My internet connection is a lot like my grandad

It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon

My Grandad knew that The Titanic was going to sink.

He told every man, woman and child that the ship was going to sink.

They hushed him up.

He shouted "The ship is going to hit an iceberg and sink"

StiΔΊl they tried to silence him.

He shouted even louder, "THE TITANIC IS GOING TO HIT A ICEBERG AND SINK!"

That was it! He'd been warned, so they threw him out of the cinema.

My favourite childhood memory is making mud pies with my grandad.

Until mom found out and hid the urn.

My grandad gave me some sound advice as he lay on his deathbed.

It's worth spending money on good speakers, he told me.

My grandad was highly decorated during WW2....

In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel and balloon on his helmet that got him shot.

My grandad always said be upfront with people

Great man.

Terrible goalkeeper.

A report came on the news that a maniac was driving the wrong way down the motorway.

I thought I had better give my grandad, who was visiting me, a call and warn him.
He said, "There's not just one, there's hundreds of them."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the grandad dad jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working grandad aunt piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes