Grandad Jokes
98 grandad jokes and hilarious grandad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grandad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Grandad Short Jokes
Short grandad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grandad humour may include short granddad jokes also.
- My grandad asked me how to print on his computer... I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.
- My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him... ...until my mom took the urn back.
- A little girl asks her grandad... "Would you make a frog noise for me?"
The grandad, confused asks, "why?"
The little girl replies, "dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland". - Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber He died last week
surrounded by his family - My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65.... Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is
- I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket Daniel I'm sick of this bucket
- So I went on Dragons Den with my grandad's shotgun and Peter Jones said, "so what's the business idea?" I said, "It's a very simple concept, Peter. Put the money in the bag."
- My grandad died yesterday. His final wish before he died was that his body be used by scientists to create a massive cloud of water vapour.
He will be mist. - My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad. It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.
- [OC] Grandad was a Flash cosplayer back in his days Cause I have found some of his gray uniforms from the 1940's with thunder signs on it.
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Grandad One Liners
Which grandad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grandad? I can suggest the ones about gran and grandfather.
- What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandad's trousers? Grandma on wash day.
- My grandad always said be upfront with people Great man.
Terrible goalkeeper. - Once upon a time there was a man. Today there are many
- My nan was beaten to death by my grandad It was by about 2yrs
- My grandad always said "there are no small parts..." Lovely man, terrible horologist.
- I inherited my great grandad's underwear... They were fruit of the heirloom
- My grandad is egyptian.... He's an old giza
- My grandad doesn't like chicken... But my Nandos
- My grandad used to race pigeons... He could never keep up with them though.
- My grandad accidently bit his own tongue off during WW2 He never talks about it though
- Poor Will... Everyone's always firing at him.
A joke my grandad would use on occasion. - A joke from my grandad Why is a duck filled with feathers.
To cover it's buttquack - My grandad keeps complaining about erectile dysfunction. He really needs to grow up.
- We called my Grandad Spiderman... Because he struggled to get out of the bath.
- Grandad: I fought in the war, you know. Grandson: Were you a Roundhead or a Cavalier?
Uproarious Grandad Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about grandad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean aunt jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grandad pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I showed my grandad how to use YouTube and he was blown away. He was like, "I never would've imagined seeing something like this in my lifetime"
It took everything in me not to show him Pornhub.
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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the b**..., but I absolutely refuse to s**... the s**...."
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My grandad shared this joke the other day
A man was at the checkout of a supermarket with his shopping on the conveyer belt, the cashier took a look at the man's shopping and then asked the man "you're single aren't you?" The man, astounded replies "yes, you could tell that just from what I'm buying?" To which the cashier replies " No, you're ugly"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up s**....
Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
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So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ...
Only problem is, I can never tell if it's just buffering or if he's having a s**....
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joke my Grandad told me, he did today.
In an argument with my girlfriend yesterday, she shouted at me:
"Stop making jokes about r**...! How do you think the women feel?"
"Depends on the girth," was probably not the best response.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I will never forget what my grandad said just before he kicked the bucket.
He looked me dead in the eye and said. "Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. "Two quid for a cup of tea?!"...
I said, "Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!"
My grandad always said, "You should never judge a book by its cover."
And it's for that reason that he lost his job as chair of the British Book Cover Awards panel.
My grandad fought in the war, he was posted to germany.
He was Missing In Action for weeks, because the army couldn't afford recorded post.
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Silly Grandad
Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its called i**... and thats how you make babys." ten minutes later John returns "Freds mum said its called bunkbeds, and she needs a word with you"
A fight breaks out at a wedding....
A fight breaks out at a wedding. A man pulls out a gun and shoots his Grandad, Brother, and Uncle but there is only one victim. How is this possible?
The wedding was held in Alabama
My Grandad used to tell me a story about how he once saw a Polar Bear fall from a great height
...He said it was a great ice breaker
*ba-dum-tschh*
Grandad: hey Sonny, what's the name of that German?
Grandson: for the thousandth time grandad, it's Alzheimer
Mum!! Please can you take me to the toilet?
No! I'm busy. Ask your grandmother.
Actually I'd rather ask Grandad. His hand shakes more.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad let me in on the secret to picking up hot Jewish girls during WWII..
with a brush and shovel..
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I'll never forget what my grandad said before he kicked the bucket
"Watch me kick that bucket"
Every time I see my grandad he tells me the same joke.
Grandad - How's Harry?
Me - Harry Who?
Grandad - I'm fine thanks, how are you?
Don't be mean about my grandad, he died in the holocaust :(
Fell out of a watchtower.
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My grandad found a huge lump in his b**... this morning.
Turns out it was just his knee.
My dad's Christian and my mom's jewish and they LOVE recycling...
But it's a little awkward for both me and my grandad on ash wednesday. Sadly he didn't survive the holocaust.
My grandad always said 'don't believe everything you hear' .It was great advice.
Or was it?
Frog noise
Little boy said to his grandad one day, grandad, can you make a noise like a frog? Grandad replies, no why? oh, it's just dad says when you croak we are going to Disney land.
My family have been doing a collective workout challenge.
It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....
...or, Grandad.
So many jokes about the Holocaust but how would you feel if your grandparent died in Auschwitz?
My grandad did, he fell off the guard tower.
My grandad: what starts with I, ends with I and is filled with I?
Charade TV
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d**... if you do
Grandad: My sister drowned in a pond. Dreadfully sad...
Me: Oh my God, that's terrible!
Grandad: Not really. If she'd floated, we would have had to burn her!
My grandad says every morning when he measures his allotment it's a couple of inches smaller than the day before.
I think He's slowly losing the plot.
Long: The boy and his grandad
My grandad the bus driver passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday
unlike his passengers
[OC] I was going to tell a joke to my Grandad but he stole my punchline before I even got a word out.
I still cant work out how he knew I was going to ask him to pull my finger.
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed...
We were sat outside in the sun and my mum says "It's nice getting some vitamin D isn't it" my grandma then said " I get my vitamin D every day" then gave that look to my grandad
I am currently digging my grave
Why did the Jewish couple named their child 137645?
They named him after his grandad
My grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish.
Bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back.
My grandad didn't report his symptoms
He didn't report his symptoms of motor neurone disease for 5 months... he didn't have the nerve to say anything...
My dad's one of the laziest guys I know
He's slept more than my great grandad and he's been dead for 60 years.
My grandad just got a new hearing aid and was telling me about it.
He said, "It's top of the line, really expensive."
I asked, "What type is it?"
He said, "2:30."
No jokes about the Holocaust please, my grandad died in that.
He fell off a watchtower.
My Grandad said he sometimes still feels like an 18 year old.
But he can't find one that feels like an 80 year old.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last Christmas I gave my grandad a p**... and a duvet....
Which surprised him, as he'd actually asked for a tartan blanket.
I took my grandad who has Alzheimer's to the new bar which had just opened down the street
This bar has been here as long as I can remember he said.
My grandad was finally released from the Alzheimer's clinic so I took him to the new bar down the road
This has been here as long as I can remember
We used to say my Grandad was like Spiderman, not because he was a web-slinging superhero...
But because he struggled to get out of the bath.
My highschool teacher just became a grandfather
True story, a little background I had a teacher in highschool that I kept up with after graduation, he is also a little Aspergery.
So I just found out that he became a grandfather so I asked him What are you gonna have the kid call you ie grandad, grandpa, gramps etc... And in complete seriousness he responds with
"He's not gonna call me anything he can't talk"
As my old Grandad was so fond of saying , "When you're in a hole stop digging"
It cost him his job in the graveyard , though.
My dad, grandad, great grandad and great great grandad were all circus clowns.
Not something I ever wanted to do. Their shoes were just too big to fill.
I went to my grandfathers house this weekend
On the first night, while eating dinner, I asked "Grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water could get them." He said
The next day, I asked again,"grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." He replied again
On the third day it was time for me to go home. I walked to his car and his dog was sitting in the car. "Grandad get your dog out of the car." "Oh, right" he said. He turned to the dog and said "Cold water! Get out of the car!"
Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day...
2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!
Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad taught me this one
So a man has three t**... and he is very worried about that so he goes to the doctor and tells him and the doctor says "well you should be very proud of yourself you got three t**...".
So the man gets the train home and sits down next to a lad and he says "hey between you and me there is five t**..." and so the guy replies "oh my god do you only have one"?!.
Just found out my grandad left me a stately home in his will.
I just don't know where sod hall is...
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My grandad is getting old and he's starting to have a hard time with all the stares
It's his own fault, I told him not to get that face tattoo.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"
Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad went down in history.
.....he also fingered someone in geography.
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My grandad said there's gangs at his retirement village
The blood clots and the cripples
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My Grandad was the best drummer in the world
He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be b**... away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He was still playing right up till the moment he died aged 86 when my grandmother stabbed him in the neck with a fork.
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My internet connection is a lot like my grandad
It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as h**... and we all know it's gonna go down again soon
My grandad was highly decorated during WW2....
In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel and balloon on his helmet that got him shot.
A report came on the news that a maniac was driving the wrong way down the motorway.
I thought I had better give my grandad, who was visiting me, a call and warn him.
He said, "There's not just one, there's hundreds of them."
A family gather round the death bed of grandad, his solicitor arrives as the man is able to read out his will:
'To my daughter, I leave my Kensington properties says grandad'
'To my son, I leave my Richmond properties'
'Finally, as I have the most properties in Windsor and Ascot, I leave these for the grandchildren'
The solicitor turns to the grandmother and quietly whispers 'My god, I never knew your husband had amassed such wealth'
'Wealth!' Shouts out the grandmother 'These are his window cleaning routes'
My great grandad used to make fabric booths for clairvoyants and fortune tellers..
He was a con-tent creator.
