grandad Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious grandad puns

A little girl asks her grandad...

"Would you make a frog noise for me?"
The grandad, confused asks, "why?"
The little girl replies, "dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland".

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Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

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My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

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My Grandad was a WWII veteran.

In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing 32 Nazi aviators.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

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Sitting on a park bench

One day a kid was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

An older man walks up and notices the young boy and says, "you shouldn't be eating all those candy bars, they aren't good for you."

The young boy looks at the man and replies, "did you know my grandad lived to be a 108 years old?"

The man replies, "well did he eat candy bars every day?"

And the kid replied, "no, he minded his own fucking business."

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My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

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Grandad what's a cunt?

One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cunt?"
The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets one of his old porno mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a naked woman posing.
"You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below Johnny?"
"Yes."
"Well the person who put them there is a cunt."

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Why do old people read the bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?"

He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

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I'll never forget the last thing my Grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket...

he said, "Grandson, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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A father tucks his son in

A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had dies of a heartattack. The father remember his sons pray and was a little worried but he shrugged it off. A couple of weeks and the father goes to tuck his son in, sure enough he hears his son praying " Please God look after mum, dad and byebye grandma. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandma had of a stroke. The father is worried about this but still shrugs it off. A couple more weeks pass and the father goes to tuck his son in. He hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, byebye daddy. Now the father freaks out about his, he doesnt sleep at all that night and when he goes to work he cant do anything becaise of his worrying. Whem he gets home he says to his wife "you wouldnt know how much of a i've had a terrible day i had today". Too which his wife replies "you think you had a bad day? I found the bloody postman dead on our doorstep!!"

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My Grandad placed three cups on the table, open end down.

Then he put a ball under one of the cups and moved them around the table really fast.
After thirty seconds of this, he stopped and said, "Okay, which one is it under?"

"The middle one."

"Well done! How did you know?"

"Because your other testicle is connected to it."

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How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

Nothing, it's on the house!

(Thanks grandad for this)

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I walked into my grandparents house

and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed."

"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

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So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ...

Only problem is, I can never tell if it's just buffering or if he's having a stroke.

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You know the last thing my grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket?

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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My grandad always used to say: "you need to be upfront with everybody"

Great bloke, shit goalkeeper

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A grandad remembers the good old days

When I was a boy, my mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I'd come back with 2 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a large chunk of cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that nowadays.

Too many fucking security cameras.

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A Loving Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

Grandad smiled, and the woman said, William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......the little shit's name is Kevin."

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I just shot my mum, my dad, my sister and my brother.

Then my aunty walked in the door with my cousins and I shot them straight away. My grandma and grandad came in, I let them have a cup of tea before I shot them too. Tomorrow I've got to shoot my wife's whole fucking family!

It's hard work being the family photographer.

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An old man and his grandson are sitting on a porch...

The old man pulls out a cigar and starts puffing it. The grandson asks "Grandad can I have a puff?"
The old man replies "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
the boy replies "Of course not Grandpa!"
"Then you ain't man enough for this!" he says.
Soon after the man pulls out a bottle of scotch and starts taking swigs of it.
"Grandpa, Can I have a sip?" the boy asks.
"Does your dick touch your asshole?" He asks back.
"Grandpa, you know it doesn't!" he said getting flustered.
"Well, then you know you ain't man enough" he says and returns to his drink.
The boy is mad and goes into the house to play with his toys. He comes back out about 45 minutes later with a plate of cookies.
"Can I have one?" the old man asked
"Does your dick touch your asshole?" the boy questioned him.
"Of course it does, otherwise I wouldn't have smoked the cigar or drank the scotch!" he said.
"Then go fuck yourself! because Grandma made these cookies for me!" he shouted at the old man and went back into the house.


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I will never forget what my grandad said just before he kicked the bucket.

He looked me dead in the eye and said. "Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

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[OC] Grandad was a Flash cosplayer back in his days

Cause I have found some of his gray uniforms from the 1940's with thunder signs on it.

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My grandad the bus driver passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday

unlike his passengers

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I always looked up to my Grandad... I especially remember his last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!!!

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My grandad pointed to my dog while he was rubbing his arse on the floor.

I said, "Don't try and distract me, old man."

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My grandad had an old dog...

one day, he must have known he was dying, he crawled out into the yard, shit everywhere and died under a car.
We had to give the dog to a shelter after that.

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A young boy asked his grandad to do his frog impression...

Grandad: "What do you mean?"
Boy: "Do your frog impression!"
Grandad: "What frog impression?"
Boy: "Mum says: When you croak, we can go to Disney World!"

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Silly Grandad

Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its called intercourse and thats how you make babys." ten minutes later John returns "Freds mum said its called bunkbeds, and she needs a word with you"

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"Pornography has really damaged the way you view sex,"

exclaimed my girlfriend, "I've had enough, I'm leaving."

I said, "Before you go, can we fuck on the snooker table while your Grandad watches?"

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A story about morals

Teacher in school asks if anyone has a story with a moral at the end

Timmy puts his hand up and says "I do miss" teacher nods for him to proceed with his story

Timmy explains this story is about his grandad in WWII.

"My grandad was in a big battle during the war, all his other soldiers died and he was just by himself, he had 4 bullets, his bayonet & a bottle of whiskey, the Germans surrounded the bunker he was in. So my grandad drank the whole bottle of whiskey shot 4 Germans and stabbed the rest"

The teacher asks "what is the moral of this story Timmy" and Timmy replies "Well miss the moral of the story is don't fuck with my grandad when he's drunk"

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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My family have been doing a collective workout challenge.

It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....


...or, Grandad.

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Fishing trip

One day a grandpa and grandson go the lake, get in a boat and go fishing. After a while of catching no fish, the grandpa decides to light a cigarette.

The boy goes, " oh wow grandpa, could I take a puff?" Grandad asks, " can your dick touch your ass?" "No" says the boy. "Well then no you cant " says grandpa.

More time passes and still no fish. Grandpa takes out his porno magazine he happened to bring along and starts flipping through it. Boy asks," Hey grandpa, can I look at that?" "Can your dick touch your ass?"asks grandpa. Boy sadly says "no".

After much more time and still no fish, they both start to get really really hungry. The boy then decides to pull out a sandwich he had packed and he starts eating it. Grandpa looks over at him and hungrily asks, " hey, do you think I could have a bite? " The boy asks," can your dick touch your ass?" The grandpa proudly says, " you damn right it can"

The boy smiles at him and says, " Well then go fuck yourself"

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What are the most funny Grandad jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Grandad? Well, here are the best Grandad dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Grandad pick up lines to share with friends.

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