grandad Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious grandad stories

What are the best grandad puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Grandad? Well here is a complete list of the top grandad jokes:

My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

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So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ...

Only problem is, I can never tell if it's just buffering or if he's having a stroke.

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So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ...

Is it buffering or is he having a stroke?

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My grandad died because we didn't get his blood type right. He kept saying, Be positive! Be positive!

And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A

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My grandad shared this joke the other day

A man was at the checkout of a supermarket with his shopping on the conveyer belt, the cashier took a look at the man's shopping and then asked the man "you're single aren't you?" The man, astounded replies "yes, you could tell that just from what I'm buying?" To which the cashier replies " No, you're ugly"

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I showed my grandad how to use YouTube and he was blown away. He was like, "I never would've imagined seeing something like this in my lifetime"

It took everything in me not to show him Pornhub.

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A grand fishing trip

**Grand son and grandad on a fishing trip: **

Grandad: pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

Grandson: can I have one?

Grandad: can your dick touch your ass? if not then you're not man enough to smoke.

Grandson: ok.

Grandad: pulls out a beer.

Grandson: can I have a beer?

Grandad: can your dick touch your ass? If not then you're not man enough to drink.

Grandson: ok.

Grandson: pulls out a pack of cookies.

Grandad: can I have some?

Grandson: can your dick touch your ass?

Grandad: why yes, yes it can.

Grandson: well go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!

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An old man and his grandson are sitting on a porch...

The old man pulls out a cigar and starts puffing it. The grandson asks "Grandad can I have a puff?"
The old man replies "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
the boy replies "Of course not Grandpa!"
"Then you ain't man enough for this!" he says.
Soon after the man pulls out a bottle of scotch and starts taking swigs of it.
"Grandpa, Can I have a sip?" the boy asks.
"Does your dick touch your asshole?" He asks back.
"Grandpa, you know it doesn't!" he said getting flustered.
"Well, then you know you ain't man enough" he says and returns to his drink.
The boy is mad and goes into the house to play with his toys. He comes back out about 45 minutes later with a plate of cookies.
"Can I have one?" the old man asked
"Does your dick touch your asshole?" the boy questioned him.
"Of course it does, otherwise I wouldn't have smoked the cigar or drank the scotch!" he said.
"Then go fuck yourself! because Grandma made these cookies for me!" he shouted at the old man and went back into the house.


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When my grandad was on his deathbed my grandmother used to rub butter on his back...

After that he went down ill pretty fast.

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A father tucks his son in

A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had dies of a heartattack. The father remember his sons pray and was a little worried but he shrugged it off. A couple of weeks and the father goes to tuck his son in, sure enough he hears his son praying " Please God look after mum, dad and byebye grandma. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandma had of a stroke. The father is worried about this but still shrugs it off. A couple more weeks pass and the father goes to tuck his son in. He hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, byebye daddy. Now the father freaks out about his, he doesnt sleep at all that night and when he goes to work he cant do anything becaise of his worrying. Whem he gets home he says to his wife "you wouldnt know how much of a i've had a terrible day i had today". Too which his wife replies "you think you had a bad day? I found the bloody postman dead on our doorstep!!"

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A Loving Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

Grandad smiled, and the woman said, William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......the little shit's name is Kevin."

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