Grand Jokes
178 grand jokes and hilarious grand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready for some enormous and big laughs? This article has got it all! From Grand Canyon jokes to piano jokes, you'll be rolling on the floor laughing at these grand jokes. Get ready to laugh so hard you'll forget the Grand National and Grand Prix!
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Funniest Grand Short Jokes
Short grand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grand humour may include short grave jokes also.
- Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door. That way, I always make a grand entrance.
- What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold? An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.
- TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom. But not twice.
- My wife reminds me of Ariana Grande. She'll say Don't forget, next Wednesday we're seeing Ariana Grande
- What does Grand Theft Auto and Europe in the 1930s have in common? If you have a star, you're being chased
- Donald Trump was the President of United States It's not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.
- Did you hear about the starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later
- What does Ariana Grande want to be when she grows up? Ariana Venti
\*Thanks to my dad for this one - I gave my wife £10,000 to get plastic surgery Last week she took the money, got the surgery and ran away.
So not only am i down 10 grand, i don't know who to look for. - I tragically lost my body in an accident, from the neck down I had grand plans for my life, but I should probably quit while I'm a head
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Grand One Liners
Which grand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grand? I can suggest the ones about grad and gram.
- What do you call a $1000 door? A grand entrance
- What do you call Rihanna if she gets fat? A Rihanna Grande
- What is the best Dad joke? A Grand-Dad joke.
- To all the philosophy majors out there... Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?
- What do you call a fat Rihanna? Arihanna Grande
- What do you call an artist bigger than Rihanna? A Rihanna Grande
- Why do orphans play Grand Theft Auto So they can be wanted.
- Why is Grand Moff Tarkin single? He keeps looking for love in Alderann places.
- I hear they took Aaron Hernandez out of Madden and put him in Grand Theft Auto V.
- Sorry to hear about your dementia... But do you have that 10 grand you owe me?
- Spend $/£1000 on your front door That way, you can make a grand entrance
- What do you call a fat Ariana Grande? A grande Ariana.
- Why did your dad visit the grand canyon last night? Because your mom was in the mood.
- Marriage is grand. But divorce is 100 grand.
- Someone broke into my car and stole my speakers. It was grand theft audio.
Grand Canyon Jokes
Here is a list of funny grand canyon jokes and even better grand canyon puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you read the book Grand Canyon mishap? It was written by Illen Dover and Phil Lin.
- My wife and I recently went on a trip to Arizona, but we got into a fight about whether we should go to Meteor Crater or the Grand Canyon. It was a whole thing.
- The Grand Canyon is so beautiful Or should I say gorge-ous!
- What does the Pope say when the Grand Canyon starts to flash flood? God, dam it.
- At some point out there... There's a teenage girl that's taking pictures of the Grand Canyon with the camera in Portrait mode.
- Why you should definitely visit the Grand Canyon... Well... it's just plain *gorge*-ous
- Overheard this at Grand Canyon. "Why do they put chicken wire around these plants? Other guy:" To protect the chicken plants"
- HIM: heard your girlfriend died trying to jump over the Grand Canyon, how are you doing? ME: I can't get over it.
HIM: it's okay, neither could she. - I'm going to the Kentucky men's basketball game vs Grand Canyon tonight I'm pretty worried, I hear Grand Canyon's really deep.
- Chuck Norris once decided to dig a hole, today we call it the Grand Canyon.
Grand Theft Auto Jokes
Here is a list of funny grand theft auto jokes and even better grand theft auto puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got bored the other day so I decided to play a game of grand theft auto The local police did NOT appreciate that
- Grand Theft Auto 6 just announced. Already criticized for displaying "excessive and gratuitous violence towards pedestrians". Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.
- Play a real life version of 'Grand Theft Auto' By spending the day in Manchester.
- PokemonGo became old, I am more excited for... Grand Theft Auto GO.
- Rockstar has pretty much confirmed it's making a new Red Dead ... ... Grand Theft Auto V dlc with new customizable skins inspired by attire in the famous western-themed game.
- What do you call an Argentinian victim of grand theft auto? Carlos
- I have a Yelp Page My restaurant, Grand Theft Auto, is doing well, but I can't seem to get 5 stars
- What do you call it when two big polish guy's push a car? Grand theft Auto
- What do you call a game about The Purge? Grand Theft Auto
Two Grand Jokes
Here is a list of funny two grand jokes and even better two grand puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Since the wife left me I've bought a motorbike, got a dog, slept with two women, and blown a grand on drink and drugs. She'll go mad when she gets home from work.
- Incredible Tennis statistic... Novak is the first person to lose a Grand Slam after only missing two shots.
- I had an unrealistic dream about having several thousand dollars last night Turns out it was two grand.
- Part of our choir got kidnapped last week! Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.
- Did you know that Ariana Grande has two sisters? Their names are Ariana Tall and Ariana Venti.
- I think hospital cafeterias should serve Seizure Salads... They can come in two sizes--Petite and Grand Mal
- Did you hear about the two tinkers that got divorced? Ah it's grand. They're still cousins.
Grand Wizard Jokes
Here is a list of funny grand wizard jokes and even better grand wizard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Donald Trump's family bought him a Gandalf the Grey costume for his birthday. Unfortunately, this wasn't the sort of Grand Wizard outfit he had in mind...
- My grandpa was part of the cool kid club when he was younger. Since he was the leader he got a cool nickname: The Grand Wizard
- Did you hear the one about the grand wizard who really need to use the bathroom? They said he had to pee like a racist horse. No?
Grand National Jokes
Here is a list of funny grand national jokes and even better grand national puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day?
He fell in love with the Grand National winner! - The doctor said to watch what i eat... ..so i bought tickets to the grand nationals.
Laughable Grand Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about grand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean large jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grand pranks.
My grandfather warned people that the titanic would sink
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Grandpa told me this
Guy lost his finger in a work accident
His wife was telling her friend about it
The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"
The wife replied "no, the one next to it"
My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.
He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather drowned in varnish recently.
A horrible way to go, but a lovely finish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up s**....
Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."
My grandfather died peacefully and in his sleep
but the kids on his bus were screaming.
Grandpa
Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!
Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?
Me: The judge told him.
Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast...
Turns out it was her belt buckle.
My grandpa always told me to take every opportunity to hit two birds with one stone.
He hated birds. [](/celestlol)
Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....
I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.
Grandpa Always told me...
Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear Victoria entered a boxing tournament where the grand prize was a s**... change?
I heard she came out the Victor
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why you don't ask grandma s**... questions
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.
My grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Grandma E-Mailed me this one
When you drink v**... over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink r**... over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.
Eggs
A couple were married for 25yrs. One day while cleaning their room, she finds a box hidden inside his closet and decides to open it with the thought that her husband is keeping a secret to her. In the box she finds 3 eggs and 10 grand.
This seems very strange so she went to him and asks:
"Why are there 3 eggs in a box in your closet?"
"Well, dear," the husband replies, "everytime I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."
She's hurt that he had been unfaithful but consoles herself with the fact that they have been married for 25yrs and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.
Wife asks: "Where did the 10 grand come from?"
With head bowed down he answers: "Everytime it reaches a dozen, I sell them!"
My grandmother laughed when I said I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti.
She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.
My Grandpa told me this joke when I was 16... It took me a few years to understand it.
How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
My grandpa was telling me about how his and my grandma's anniversary was coming up.
He told me they'd been together so long, they were on their second bottle of tabasco.
My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.
Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.
We think that's what killed her.
Grandma, how old are you?
"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandmas don't know everything.........
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called s**... i**... , darling.
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called s**... i**... . It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather had a s**... this week..
He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
From grandma: Why do women wear p**... with flowers on them?
In memory of all the faces that were buried there.
Grandma keeps staring longingly through the window since it started snowing...
...Maybe It's time to let her back inside.
I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin
Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea
Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...
My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon
It never really took off.
My grandfather was a baker in the army...
...he went in all buns glazing.
My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."
I wish I'd thought of that quote.
My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....
Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...
...so I told her to roll them tighter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandma caught me m**... and she had a s**......
She has such soft hands...
My grandpa always said...
They were so poor, if he wasn't born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with.
My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident
They will be mist... :'(
My grandma started running 5K / day at age 60
She's 93 now, we have no idea where she is
My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone.
When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits?
Because they're friends with grand wizards.
My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology.
I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her f**...
She'd be spinning in her ditch
My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated
Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.
One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.
So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"
The second guy says "what?"
The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud"
The second guy replies "what?"
The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"
The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"
A Grand Prize
I phoned my local radio station today.
When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."
"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.
"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling
confident?"
"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"
"7," I replied.
My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government.
Visitors only see the nice china.
My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."
He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…
My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player
He only ever lost once
My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".
I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.
What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?
I mean, didn't they get bored?
I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand
I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano...
... A wise man gives his wife an upright o**....
My grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a living.
The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous.
My grandfather died at auschwitz
He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my grandpa died he f**... and we thought he was still alive...
...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.
Restaurant signboard
A signboard outside a restaurant read "eat as much as you can, your grand children will pay the bill"... A man entered the restaurant and ate as much as he could, got a toothpick and was relaxing when the waiter gave him the bill. He laughed and pointed to the signboard, don't you see, "my grandchildren will pay" The waiter replied, "This is not your bill, it's your grandfather's bill".
My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.
He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.
My grandfather was cheap. He'd give me a 50 dollar bill each year for my birthday
Not currency; an actual invoice for 50 dollars
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.
My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings
Being in Canada helped.
My Grandfather died in Auschwitz
Poor guy fell out of the guard tower
What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?
I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.
My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.
It is driving him up the wall.
Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game!
Who's playing?
Austria-Hungary
Against who?
My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2
He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...
Says he has always been able to count on them.
My grandpa was complaining about how participation trophies reward losing
So I asked him why he proudly displayed a Confederate Flag
Both my grandparents were midgets
They struggled to put food on the table their whole lives
my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid
"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. Did God make you, PopPop? the girl asks.
Yep! He certainly did, the old man answers.
And did he make me too? she asks next.
Of course he did, the old man answers again.
Well, she replies, he's certainly getting better at it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.
He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I s**... myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have s**... myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean g**..., go fetch me some toilet paper."
My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.
It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...
I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.
My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three
You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather's Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Grandmother found and flushed my w**... so, I hid her weelchair......
Now neither of us are rolling
