Gran Jokes
108 gran jokes and hilarious gran puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gran that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with the funniest gran jokes around. From gran Torino to granddaughters and grandads, get your dose of humour that will have your whole family in stitches. Enjoy the jokes and share them with your grandad, grandmum and grandfather!
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Funniest Gran Short Jokes
Short gran jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gran humour may include short gram jokes also.
- Valentine's.... For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's card from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my gran dies, now this! - My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning. The toughest part was acting surprised.
- My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread. Now she's toast.
- My Gran barely recognises me after I've been staying in Chernobyl for a few months. It's not surprising. I've grown another foot!
- Back in the 90's, Gran used to babysit us kids. One time she saw us playing playstation and said 'You're not playing that drug game!' 'What drug game?' I asked Need for Speed
- My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken She had a cheeky nan dose
- what do you call it when you push gran down the stairs and laugh when she can't get up stand up comedy
- Told my gran she needs to write an invite list for her 80th birthday party She said that's grand I've got the one from my 70th there just cross off the ones that are dead
- I can remember my gran crying when my granddad went to Heaven. Heaven was the name of his favourite gay bar.
- I just plugged in my phone to charge... and now my grans heart rate monitor wont shut up with this long beep and its driving me nuts!
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Gran One Liners
Which gran one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gran? I can suggest the ones about grave and grad.
- My Gran died of asbestosis. It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.
- A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes. She snorted half a gran.
- What do you call an old parallelogram? A parrallelo-gran
- What do you call a kid running down a hall while making car noises? Gran Autismo
- i snorted my nans ashes once not all of it, just half a gran
- My Gran's favourite is pride and prejudice. Not the book.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Gran Jokes
What funny jokes about gran you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grim jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gran pranks.
My grandfather warned people that the titanic would sink
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Grandpa told me this
Guy lost his finger in a work accident
His wife was telling her friend about it
The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"
The wife replied "no, the one next to it"
My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.
He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up s**....
Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."
My grandfather died peacefully and in his sleep
but the kids on his bus were screaming.
Grandpa
Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!
Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?
Me: The judge told him.
Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast...
Turns out it was her belt buckle.
Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....
I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.
Grandpa Always told me...
Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why you don't ask grandma s**... questions
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.
My grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Grandma E-Mailed me this one
When you drink v**... over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink r**... over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.
My grandmother laughed when I said I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti.
She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.
My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.
Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.
We think that's what killed her.
Grandma, how old are you?
"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandmas don't know everything.........
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called s**... i**... , darling.
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called s**... i**... . It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather had a s**... this week..
He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
From grandma: Why do women wear p**... with flowers on them?
In memory of all the faces that were buried there.
My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".
When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"
I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin
Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea
Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...
My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon
It never really took off.
My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."
I wish I'd thought of that quote.
My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....
Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...
...so I told her to roll them tighter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandma caught me m**... and she had a s**......
She has such soft hands...
My grandpa always said...
They were so poor, if he wasn't born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with.
My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident
They will be mist... :'(
My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone.
When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me
My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology.
I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her f**...
She'd be spinning in her ditch
My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated
Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.
One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.
So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"
The second guy says "what?"
The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud"
The second guy replies "what?"
The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"
The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"
My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government.
Visitors only see the nice china.
My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."
He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…
My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player
He only ever lost once
What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?
I mean, didn't they get bored?
I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand
I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Prince Harry and William must feel so awkward in a s**... club
Imagine having to put pictures of your gran into a stripper's bra
My grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a living.
The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous.
My grandfather died at auschwitz
He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my grandpa died he f**... and we thought he was still alive...
...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.
My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.
He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.
What does Grand Theft Auto and Europe in the 1930s have in common?
If you have a star, you're being chased
My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings
Being in Canada helped.
My Grandfather died in Auschwitz
Poor guy fell out of the guard tower
What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?
I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.
My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.
It is driving him up the wall.
Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game!
Who's playing?
Austria-Hungary
Against who?
My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2
He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...
Says he has always been able to count on them.
my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid
"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. Did God make you, PopPop? the girl asks.
Yep! He certainly did, the old man answers.
And did he make me too? she asks next.
Of course he did, the old man answers again.
Well, she replies, he's certainly getting better at it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.
He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I s**... myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have s**... myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean g**..., go fetch me some toilet paper."
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...
I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.
My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three
You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather's Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Grandmother found and flushed my w**... so, I hid her weelchair......
Now neither of us are rolling
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When your appendix is removed it's called an appendectomy.
When your u**... is removed it's called a hysterectomy. What's it called when you have a growth removed from your head? A haircut.
My grandpa died because we did not know his blood type
I will never forget his last words ...
Be positive
My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"
Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist
Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"
"It's Alzheimer, grandma".
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather's Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.
Back then they called it the US Army.
My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!
He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.
My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens.
Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"
Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.
Grandma found a lump under her left breast but the Dr said it's ok.
It was just her kneecap.
My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.
A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"
"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."
My grandpa was buried with his entire butter making kit.
He'll be churning in his grave.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather killed over 30 n**... during WW2
He was the worst doctor in the Wehrmacht
Granddad could tell a tale
He used to say that as a boy he had the strongest arm in the county. He said he could throw a stick so hard that it would take his dog an hour to retrieve it.
To me that always seemed far-fetched.
My grandfather has a heart of a tiger.
He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo.
My grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "
I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths?
