Gran Jokes
111 gran jokes and hilarious gran puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gran that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with the funniest gran jokes around. From gran Torino to granddaughters and grandads, get your dose of humour that will have your whole family in stitches. Enjoy the jokes and share them with your grandad, grandmum and grandfather!
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Funniest Gran Short Jokes
Short gran jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gran humour may include short gram jokes also.
- Valentine's.... For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's card from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my gran dies, now this! - My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning. The toughest part was acting surprised.
- My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread. Now she's toast.
- My Gran barely recognises me after I've been staying in Chernobyl for a few months. It's not surprising. I've grown another foot!
- For the last twenty years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer... So I was upset when I didn't get one this year. First my gran dies, now this?
- Back in the 90's, Gran used to babysit us kids. One time she saw us playing playstation and said 'You're not playing that drug game!' 'What drug game?' I asked Need for Speed
- My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken She had a cheeky nan dose
- For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn't get one this year! First my gran dies, now this!
- what do you call it when you push gran down the stairs and laugh when she can't get up stand up comedy
- Told my gran she needs to write an invite list for her 80th birthday party She said that's grand I've got the one from my 70th there just cross off the ones that are dead
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Gran One Liners
Which gran one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gran? I can suggest the ones about grave and grad.
- My Gran died of asbestosis. It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.
- A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes. She snorted half a gran.
- What do you call an old parallelogram? A parrallelo-gran
- What do you call a kid running down a hall while making car noises? Gran Autismo
- i snorted my nans ashes once not all of it, just half a gran
- My Gran's favourite is pride and prejudice. Not the book.
- What do you call a white grandmother? A gran-c**...
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Gran Jokes
What funny jokes about gran you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grim jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gran pranks.
My grandfather warned people that the titanic would sink
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Grandpa told me this
Guy lost his finger in a work accident
His wife was telling her friend about it
The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"
The wife replied "no, the one next to it"
My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.
He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up s**....
Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!
Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....
I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.
Grandpa Always told me...
Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.
My grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle.
My grandmother laughed when I said I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti.
She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.
My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.
Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.
We think that's what killed her.
Grandma, how old are you?
"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"
My grandfather had a s**... this week..
He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.
My grandpa would always tell me...
that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.
From grandma: Why do women wear p**... with flowers on them?
In memory of all the faces that were buried there.
My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".
When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"
I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin
Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
What did 50 cent's grandma say to him when he gave her a hand woven scarf for mother's day?
G u knit?
When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea
Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...
My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon
It never really took off.
My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."
I wish I'd thought of that quote.
My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....
Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...
...so I told her to roll them tighter.
My grandma caught me m**... and she had a s**......
She has such soft hands...
My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident
They will be mist... :'(
If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her f**...
She'd be spinning in her ditch
My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government.
Visitors only see the nice china.
My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player
He only ever lost once
What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?
I mean, didn't they get bored?
I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand
I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock
Prince Harry and William must feel so awkward in a s**... club
Imagine having to put pictures of your gran into a stripper's bra
My grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a living.
The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous.
Grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2
He was the s**... mechanic the luftwaffe had.
When my grandpa died he f**... and we thought he was still alive...
...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.
My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...
Then he got kicked out of the theater.
My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.
He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.
My grandfather saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink, but no one listened
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.
What does Grand Theft Auto and Europe in the 1930s have in common?
If you have a star, you're being chased
My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings
Being in Canada helped.
My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.
Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe
My grandfather was a very intelligent man.
He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.
What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?
I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.
My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.
It is driving him up the wall.
Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game!
Who's playing?
Austria-Hungary
Against who?
My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2
He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...
Says he has always been able to count on them.
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?
Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."
my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid
"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.
He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I s**... myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have s**... myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean g**..., go fetch me some toilet paper."
My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens.
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...
I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather's Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
My Grandmother found and flushed my w**... so, I hid her weelchair......
Now neither of us are rolling
When your appendix is removed it's called an appendectomy.
When your u**... is removed it's called a hysterectomy. What's it called when you have a growth removed from your head? A haircut.
My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII.
Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"
"It's Alzheimer, grandma".
My grandfather destroyed over 30 German planes in WW2...
He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.
Back then they called it the US Army.
My grandpa kept telling people that the Titanic was going to sink. They ignored him.
Eventually, they needed to throw him out the cinema.
My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.
Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens.
Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker.
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"
Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.
Grandma found a lump under her left breast but the Dr said it's ok.
It was just her kneecap.
My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.
Granddad could tell a tale
He used to say that as a boy he had the strongest arm in the county. He said he could throw a stick so hard that it would take his dog an hour to retrieve it.
To me that always seemed far-fetched.
My grandfather has a heart of a tiger.
He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo.
My grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "
I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths?
My grandfather once told me, "When one door closes, another one opens."
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Grandpa Mike died this weekend.
He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days. He will be mist.
A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"
"Yes, there was"
answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.
"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"
"Yes, absolutely"
answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.
My Grandmother was 80% Irish
Her name was Iris.
Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty
Grandfather replied: there as clean as cold water can get 'em
Next day:
Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?
Grandpa: cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get
Alright, whatever you say
Day after:
Grandpa and grandkid are finishing dinner
Kid: grandpa I think I see a dog outside! Can we bring him in?
Grandpa: sure!
Grandpa opens the door
C'MERE COLD WATER!
(This joke was from my grandmother years ago)
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
