Grammar Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Grammar puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Grammar

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

I once threw an abstinence party...

And no one came.

Why are there so many grammar Nazis on the internet?

Because English majors have no jobs.

I named my son Gram

It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...

Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"




He said "I am very hungry."





"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."





You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.

I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital...

They told me that case was sensitive.

First rule of English grammar,

Double negatives are a no no.

The alt-right can't be nazis

Their grammar is terrible!

Why are there a lot of grammar nazis on the Internet?

Because English majors can't find jobs!

A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

Grammar Nazis no longer exist

Their called the Alt-Write now

Synonym rolls...

Just like grammar used to make.

What do women and grammar Nazis have in common?

One missed period is enough to freak them out.

I don't think it's correct to call them grammar Nazis anymore...

They seem to prefer the label "alt-write" nowadays.

Grammar tip

Farther = physical distance

Further = metaphorical distance

Father = emotional distance

The grammar teacher said "In English, two negatives make an affirmative, but two affirmatives never make a negative." A student replied...

"Yeah, right!"

My wife is an English teacher

She always corrects my grammar while having sex. I'll go "suck it good" and she'll reply "it's suck it well!". I'll say "Who's your daddy" and she'll correct "who's your dad".

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of colon.

Math class

Teacher asks Johnny:

"Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?"

"An orgy?"

Edited: names spelling, grammar.

Did you hear the CEO of Honda wont be back next year?

He's leaving of his own accord.

I would rather cuddle then have sex.

If your good with grammar you'll get it.

What do you get when you teach Android grammar?

A droid

Wishing Well

English is second language.... excuse grammar

My penny went whoosh whoosh down the wishing well
I was happy. Everyone around screaming. I threw quarter down, made wish, and now everyone mad about my wife penny

A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...

In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.

As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"

The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"

What do Grammar Nazis call their movement?

The Alt-Write.

My brother told me this. Feels like it belongs here.

A grammar teacher was lecturing his students on double negatives. He explains, "In some languages, take English, for example, if you were to use double negatives, it is the equivalent of a positive. It isn't considered proper grammar for that reason."

A student raises his hand. "Like in Algebra?"

"Exactly. However, in other languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. For those of you who are curious, there is no language where a double positive equals a negative."

A student piped up in the back. "Yeah, right."

A woman texted me with the message, "Your adorable."

I texted back, "No. YOU'RE adorable."

Now she's falling for me. I was only correcting her grammar.

What's a grammar teacher's favorite dessert?

SYNONYM ROLLS!

I got pulled over by the Grammar Police.

The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.

There's a sexy new teacher at school

In grammar class, she asks who can say a sentence including an expression of politeness. Naughty Johnny raises his hand.

'I would be most delighted to make out with you Miss Campbell... and bang you, too!'

Miss Campbell blushes and yells:

'Out!'

Naughty Johnny gets his things and walks towards the door, when suddenly Miss Campbell says:

'Not you... the others!'

Two Pirate captains sat at a bar driniking, and they were both each others biggest fan.

"You are quite the Pirate. I know of ye and your men. The most fearsome thing on the sea" Complimented Bloodbeard.

"Well I know too well 'you - "Sea Butcher". One Handed Jack! You are the scourge of the seas! We are indebted to host your accompanyment!"

"Also known are ye for your grammar and acquiestment of English and many languages!"

"But still, you are twice the pirate that I, or any of my men am" said Bloodbeard.

A pirate listening nearby corrected him "Arrgh"

Whats the difference between a Priest and Acne?

*Acne waits until you're a teen to come on your face*

^^^^^^^^^^edit^^^^^^^^^^, ^^^^^^^^^^grammar

Grammar Nazis are self-contradictory

Because they are anti-semantic.

Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?

Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?

Son: I just wanted to clear my doubt. I asked her a valid question for which she had no answer, so she took out her frustration by being violent.

Dad : What was the question?

Son: I asked her why 'bra' is singular when it covers two things & 'panties' plural when it covers only one

Where are all my grammar Nazis at

Probably in he'll

Good Grammar is the Difference...

...between

* Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse

and

* Helping your Uncle jack off a horse

What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?

There, they're, their...

The Last Exam

(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)

A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.

After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.

What chair?

He was the only one to pass the exam.

How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills?

There, their, they're.

Little Jimmy and Suzy are in class when their teacher begins to go over grammar and sentences.

The teacher looks at Suzy first and says
"Suzy can you use the word stupid in a sentence?
"Yes I can. Jimmy is very stupid."
"Great!" said the teacher. "Now can you use ugly in a sentence?"
"Jimmy is very ugly."
The teacher turns to Jimmy and says "Can you upstage her, Jimmy? Try using the word dictate in a sentence."
Jimmy looks at the teacher and without missing a beat says "I may be ugly and I may be stupid, but Suzy says my dictate good."

As I read my son's suicide letter, I couldn't help but feel that I had failed him as a parent....

His grammar and spelling were terrible.

Where do Grammar Nazis get put on trial?

You're*-emburg




^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^sorry...



**

Where do grammar Nazis fall on the political compass?

Alt-Write

Did you hear about the poor chap who got smashed in the head by a grammar textbook?

He remains in a comma.

For anyone who gets confused about proper grammar and style in writing

I offer from the Internet, the following tip sheet, "How to Write Good":

- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Prepositions are not the words to end sentences with.
- Be more or less specific.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Who corrects Santa's grammar?

A subordinate Clause.

How many grammar nazis are needed to change a lightbulb?

Too

I've had it all with the grammar nazis

We should not tolerate antisemanticism.

Who do grammar nazis hang out with now?

The alt-write.

How do you get an grammar nazi's attention?

That. That is how.

I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar

and it feelded good.

I baked some synonym buns this morning

Just like grammar used to make.

What is "Worse then the Holocaust"?

Poor Grammar

Grammar Nazis really make me fuhrious.

I'm sorry. That joke was really out of mein kampfort zone.

Anne Frankly, it was just bad.

Remember kids

the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

Trees are allergic to bees..

..when bees get too close, [they break out in hives.] (/spoiler)

Original joke!

I can't call people Grammar Nazis on social media anymore....

Now I call them the Alt-Write.

What is worse than bad grammar?

pour grammar

Grammar is weird

yes, it's

My high school English teacher was so mean!

She would walk around the classroom and stop to ask students random grammar questions. I remember this one time she was walking by my desk and she stopped, pointed at me and said "Quick, name 2 pronouns!"


Startled, I looked at her and replied "who, me?"

Old Joke From Bosnia

A boy rides up to his friend on his bike, he says "Look at me I can ride my bike!"

The friend says "Mhmm"

The next day the boy rides up again

Boy "Look I can ride with out using my legs!"

friend "Mmmhm"

Again the boy rides up again later that day

Boy "Look I can ride with out my legs or arms!"

friend "Mmmhmm"

The next day the boy rides up again on his bike

the boy says "Look I can ride without my teeth!"

(Sorry for the bad grammar)

What do Grammar Nazis support?

The Third Write

If you're genetically predisposed to spelling and grammar errors, does that mean you're…

…typo positive?

So i said to my wife...

"Every time you correct my grammar, I love you a little bit fewer"

Grammar lesson

Two people were camping in a campground. The first says, "I think I'll go for a run." The second replies, "Don't you mean 'ran,' since it's past tents?"

I could really go for some synonym buns.

Just like the ones grammar used to make.

I spoke with Bill Withers and I told him that "Ain't no sunshine" was bad grammar.

He said "I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know"

My English teacher is living proof that Grammar Nazis still exist.

Sorry... Alt-Write.

DAE hate poor grammar on they're front page?

The difference between cats and dogs comes down to grammar...

Dogs think you're god , whereas cats think your god .

Pupil shows art for teacher

A pupil came and showed something that he draw. He said that he drawed a cow eating grass. The teacher said: But there's nothing there! Then the pupil said: It's because the cow ate all the grass and went away to look for some more grass.

*Excuse my grammar, not perfect at english*

I blocked a girl for correcting my grammar

It feelded good

Dick's Sporting Goods came out against circumcision this past weekend

Changing their official slogan to Dicks Sporting Hoods.

Edit* grammar

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear

And the doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

(So much subtler as a spoken joke. If you don't get it, consider you're grammar lessons!) ;)

Teachers be like...

That is improper grammar!

Give me your best 'Yo Momma' jokes.

Yo momma's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm for different timezones!

Yo momma's so fat, she is on BOTH sides of the family!

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes