Graduation Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....

....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

the knights

What is the name of the knight who moonlights as a geologist?

Sir Vey

What is the name of the agreeable knight?

Sir Tenly

What is the name of the Knight who used to be a slave?

Sir Vent

What are the names of the Knights who run the graduation ceremony?

Sir Amony and Sir Tiffy Cashien

What is the name of the Knight who is also an OB/GYN?

Sir Vix

What is the name of the Knight on LSD?

Sir Real

What is the name of the Knight who makes pottery?

Sir Amik Vaze

What is the name of the Knight who also works in the OR?

Sir Jen

What is the name of the Knight who is totally radical?

Sir Fer

What is the name of the Knight who is a great trader?

Sir Plus

What is the name of the French Knight?

Sir Render.

What is the name of the Knight who never loses?

Sir Vivyn

What is the name of the Knight who enjoys practical jokes?

Sir Prize!

What is the name of the Knight who is always in the lead?

Sir Pass

What is the name of the Firefly class Knight?

Sir Renitee

What is the name of the really sketchy Knight?

Sir Spishus

(all credit for those above goes to /u/NedryOS)

What's the name of the knight who is always sure of himself?

Sir Ten (creds to /u/loufizzle)

what is the name of the knight who loves snakes?

A Russian university valedictorian (from my Russian history prof)

A valedictorian at a Russian university was giving his graduation speech. As a finale, the Party Secretary who was in attendance asked the young man two rehearsed questions: "Who is your mother?"

"The Party," the young man replied.

"And who is your father?" the Party Secretary asked next.

"Lenin," the valedictorian said.

Then, unrehearsed, the Party Secretary asked a third question: "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"An orphan."

At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...

So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."

This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.

When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik

I was surprised when a friend said he'll work at KFC right after graduation..

Out of curiosity, I asked him why.

All he said was, "It's in my bucket list."

My college graduation was held inside the basketball arena and man was it hot

Musta been like 5,000 degrees in there

I used to get into fights at the drop of a hat.

Which is probably why I got fired from my job as a graduation photographer.

You guys! I'm so excited, I just hooked up with my crush from middle school.

...but now she keeps calling me expecting me to show up at her graduation.

Graduations are so immature

You can hardly get to the end without name calling

I finally just slept with my high school crush.

Now she expects me to go to her graduation.

Student and Doctor!

A student was not found of a job even after two years after his graduation so he decided to open a clinic & wrote
outside the clinic:
Any treatment in Rs.300/- & if we can't treat, we will pay you back Rs.1000/-.

A CLEVER Doctor thought he will make that commerce student fool and comes to do fraud & thinking to get Rs.1000.

He says to the student:
I cant feel any taste on my tongue...

Student asks the Nurse to put few
drops of medicine from box no. 22

After that the MAN shouts: " WTF...its URINE..!!

Student says congratulations your sense of taste is back now.

The CLEVER Doctor was angry as he lost Rs.300.

After 2 weeks the same doctor comes back again & this time he thinks to get back his previous 300 too.

CLEVER Doctor : I've lost my memory.

Student: Nurse! pls put some drops of medicine from Box no. 22 on his tongue.

DOCTOR : Wait but that medicine is for sense of taste.

Student: Congratulations your memory is back!

What did the clothes designer say to her son at his graduation?

"I'm Prada you son."

I didn't know what to wear to the graduation ceremony of my premature ejaculation course....

So I came in my boxers.

LinkedIn is the worst dating app

All people want to talk about is work and what I plan on doing after graduation

How do people finish graduating from a Journalist school? They have to answer one last question. That question is "how do you do an excellent article?"

And the graduate answers "well, I think you press ctrl-c."
"Yes, go on," says the teacher.
"Then you press ctrl-v," says the graduate.

Five minutes later it's the graduation ceremony.

Graduation unlike before

2 Asian kids graduated from High School. The school had never witnessed this phenomena, but both of them were #1 in their class. Long story short the parents couldn't be was a Nguyen, Nguyen for them.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18, and I could just have his motorcycle.

I ordered a graduation cake for my son.

The baker asked me what I wanted it to say. Wow, talking cakes, who knew?

Joke tellers, I need your help! Writing a salutatorian speech, and I want it to be kind of funny.

I'm not entirely humorous, but I do only have a limited amount of time to do this in. I need some jokes about graduation that will get the crowd laughing somewhat. Nothing too dirty, etc., but humor is necessary. Sorry if this isn't the right place for this, thank you!

A waiter approaches a table celebrating their daughters graduation...

Father: Our daughter just graduated from SCU with an English degree!

Waiter: That's so great! Congratulations! I actually have a Master's degree in English Literature myself. Can I get you folks started with some chips and salsa?

My highschool teacher just became a grandfather

True story, a little background I had a teacher in highschool that I kept up with after graduation, he is also a little Aspergery.

So I just found out that he became a grandfather so I asked him What are you gonna have the kid call you ie grandad, grandpa, gramps etc... And in complete seriousness he responds with
"He's not gonna call me anything he can't talk"

My graduation Speech

"I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank you."

The ice breaker I used for my graduation speech today

What do you call the speed of an herbal beverage at any given time?

A. Veloci-tea

I got hit by a car on my way to my graduation.

The worst part is, I had the right of passage

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Q: What do you get when you complete science class?
A: A graduated cylinder.

When I graduated from highschool, I was so poor and couldn't afford college.

So my parents sent me to dog training school.
I learned a lot when I was there.
Sit, stay, roll over.
I haven't quite got the fetching part down.
They say I'm a little rough around the edges.

After 72 years since not completing her college course, my Grandma finally went back and earned her very first diploma...

...I asked her what will she be wearing for her graduation ceremony and she said depends.

At my graduation, my friend called me a ranch

Because I be dressing 😏

While watching graduation, I like to think all my students have the same potential.

However, when shaking their hands afterwards, I really felt that wasn't true. It was quite shocking!

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"Let’s try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder."
The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

Knock Knock
Who's there!
B-4 who?
B-4 you take the diploma, shake the dean's hand.

I will never forget my daughter's words to me at her graduation.

"Wow dad.. After 18 years you decide to come back..."

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A law-botomy.

Why didn't the skeleton go to prom? Cause he had 'no body' to dance with.

One music university senior complains to another:

"Dude, I have no idea how to write my graduation composition. Do you have any hint?"
"Why don't you try coping professor X's piece he wrote when getting his D.A.?"
"I did. It turned out to be Beethoven's Fifth Symphony."

Graduation Trip

This past year, I graduated college, and decided to take a trip with a few buddies. We had some money left over from our college funds, and decided we would visit Europe. We had originally intended to go hiking in different European countries for a couple of weeks.

At my Graduation ceremony, my grandparents showed up, and upon learning that I was going to Europe, and going to HIKE, of all things, my grandpa had this to say:

"Thats no way to spend your time. . . why, when I was your age, I went to the Moulin Rouge in Paris, Drank all night, Fucked the dancers, Pissed on the barman, and left without paying! Now thats how you live a little, grandson."

So I talked with my friends, and we decided we would spend a week hiking, then a few days in Amsterdam, and then stop in Paris the last night to do just that.

When I arrived home, in crutches, mind you, I visited my grandparents again. My eyes were blackened, nose bloodied, and had a few teeth chipped, along with a bruised rib and sprained wrist.

My grandpa says "Sweet baby Jesus, what the hell has happened to you?!"

"I did what you said Grandpa, I went to Moulin Rouge, Drank all night, Fucked a Dancer, pissed on the Barman, and tried to leave without paying, and they beat the shit out of me."

"Oh my, who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why, who did you go with?"

"The S.S."

A father and her disappointing daughter

So there's a girl, who just graduated from High School as an honors student but just a few A's away from making Valedictorian. After her graduation, her father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."

The girl goes to medical school. Once again, she graduates near the top of her class but isn't the top of her class. The father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."

The girl was nominated for a big promotion in her hospital but was just a few marks away from securing it. Her father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."

Years pass. The woman has grown to hate her father. One day, she receives a letter saying her father had passed away. Forgetting all of her hate, she gets on the next flight to her mother's home.

As soon as she arrives, her mother hands her a letter detailing one final request from her father.

"At my funeral, I would like to have my daughter lower my body into my grave so she can let me down one more time."

A 21-year-old is hired by a hardware store.

He shows up for his first day of work at 8 AM sharp.
The boss welcomes him, then hands him a broom.
"First, sweep out the store. Then I'll show you where the window cleaning equipment is."
"Sir," the young man protests. "You can't be serious. I'm a college graduate."
"Oh, sorry," says the manager, pointing to the broom. "No problem. I can show you how that thing works."

Q: How many University Graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it may take up to seven years!

Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation?

It was a real bad after-math.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

What do you call a juggalo at a college graduation?


I don't like graduation ceremonies.

Too much circumstantial pomp.

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

A man called Dick went up the stage on his graduation day, why did everybody laugh?

His full name was Dick Wiper.

Why was the piece of paper sad on graduation day?

College Ruled.

What are the funniest graduation jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Graduation? Well, here are the best Graduation puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Graduation pick up lines to share with friends.

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