Graduation Jokes
88 graduation jokes and hilarious graduation puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about graduation that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this collection of the best graduation jokes to help add humor to your graduation ceremony. Whether it's for a high school graduation, elementary school graduation, or college graduation, we have jokes perfect for any occasion. Get ready to laugh out loud with these hilarious graduation jokes!
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Funniest Graduation Short Jokes
Short graduation jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The graduation humour may include short graduated jokes also.
- My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.
- I just graduated with a degree in Egyptology. So now I am qualified to teach more students Egyptology. I'm beginning to think this is some sort of pyramid scheme.
- A science graduate asks the question why? A science graduate asks the question why?
An engineering graduate asks the question how?
An arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?" - Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade. Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.
- I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children, it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.
- For my graduating class' 20th reunion, we're digging up our time capsule from freshman year I cant wait to see how big my dog Sparky got
- What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school? A doctor
- Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors? So they can park in handicap spots.
- My dad told me... "When i was your age, i had to walk 13 miles to school"... So i said... "Is that why you didn't graduate?"
- What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"
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Graduation One Liners
Which graduation one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with graduation? I can suggest the ones about graduating class and college graduates.
- What do you call doctors who graduated online? Google Docs
- How to get a liberal arts graduate off of your porch? Pay him for the pizza
- When a mathematics student graduates do they get a degree, or a radian?
- what do you call medical students who graduated online? google docs
- How do you get an art school graduate off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
- When math majors graduate, do they get degrees or radians?
- What do gender studies graduates commonly say? "Would you like fries with that?"
- How do you get a Harvard graduate off your doorstep? Tip him for the pizza.
- What did the pop can become when it finished high school? A graduated cylinder.
- I graduated top of my class at gay conversion therapy Everyone else wanted to be bottoms
- Congratulations 2020 graduating class Reigning senior skip day champions!
- What do you call a medical student who graduated last in his class? Doctor.
- What do you call a column with a degree? A graduated cylinder
- Why do arts graduates like fancy restaurants? Bigger tips.
- What do you call a graduated spider? A Web Designer
College Graduation Jokes
Here is a list of funny college graduation jokes and even better college graduation puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- what do you call a cruise full of college graduates? a Scholar-ship !
- A dishonest college graduate wrote PhD on his transcript I guess you could say he doctored it
- My college graduation was held inside the basketball arena and man was it hot Musta been like 5,000 degrees in there
- Did you hear about the circle that graduated college Apparently it got three-hundred and sixty degrees
- What do recent college graduates and felons have in common? It takes three to five years before anyone will hire them.
- Why did the test tube go to college? To become a graduated cylinder.
- Donald Trump is an inspiration to all new College graduates. He is in the final interview rounds of a job he has zero experience for.
- My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed... I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "having an existential cry, sis?"
- I don't know why millenials always complain about the job market after college In the 15 years since I graduates I've held 5 entry level positions with every promotion.
- Chuck Norris graduated college in one hour.
High School Graduation Jokes
Here is a list of funny high school graduation jokes and even better high school graduation puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Son, as a reward for graduating high-school at the top of your class, we've decided to pool or money and send you abroad! Son: Is she hot?
- You have to wonder about a country where the bombs ... are smarter than the high school graduates. At least the bombs can find Iraq on the maps.
(quote by
Alan Whitney Brown of SNL fame) - Why don't farts graduate high school? Because they always get expelled.
- Post Grad Plans When my son graduated high school, he wanted to open up a dispensary, but i wanted him to become a doctor. When it came time to choose I told him: "It's my way, or the highway.
- I finally just slept with my high school crush. Now she expects me to go to her graduation.
- Name your newborn Cylinder so the day he finishes high school he'd become a Graduated Cylinder
- As the father of a now high school graduate, I think it's time I stopped fantasizing about "college girls." I mean, no need to dream when you've got the real thing at home, right?
- A 2007 study showed that for high school students graduating in the US, 4/3 did not know how to properly use fractions. It might be an outdated study though.
- Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
- What do you want to be when you graduate high school? "No more than 25" from Gary Muledeer
Graduation Ceremony Jokes
Here is a list of funny graduation ceremony jokes and even better graduation ceremony puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
- I don't like graduation ceremonies. Too much circumstantial pomp.
Graduation Speech Jokes
Here is a list of funny graduation speech jokes and even better graduation speech puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The ice breaker I used for my graduation speech today What do you call the speed of an herbal beverage at any given time?
A. Veloci-tea - Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.
Share Hilarious Graduation Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about graduation you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean graduated high jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make graduation pranks.
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
Good Polish Joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish v**.... As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish v**.... Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from l**... Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."
Georgia joke
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu
For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online.
" The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a r**... from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the r**... top that, they thought. The r**... calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three w**... in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The r**... won hands down!
At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...
So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."
This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.
Pavlov's birds
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....
....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
post-graduate plans
My college counselor asked me what my post-graduate plans were, and I told her I was interested in cleaning mirrors. When she asked why, I just shrugged and told her it was a job I could see myself doing.
Here's one for you recent graduates.
A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.
"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."
The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."
His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."
Degrees
The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'
I absolutely can not stand Brown people.
It's just that I had an ex graduate from there and she was super pretentious.
An Oxford Graduate walks into a bar
Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. Howdy, stranger, one Texan says. Where are you from?
The Oxford graduate answers, I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.
Oh, I'm sorry, replies the Texan. Where are you from, j**...?
A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic...
He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible.
The teacher said "Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler"!
Poetry contest
A r**... and a Harvard graduate are in a poetry contest where they have to come up with a poem that has the word Timbuktu in it. The Harvard graduate goes first.
Amongst the desert sands
Away ride the caravans
Camels leaving, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu
The audience applauds, thinking that the r**... does not have a chance. Then the r**... goes.
Me and Tim a'huntin' went,
Found some w**... in a pop up tent.
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu!
My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...
He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."
Graduated top of his class...
An MBA graduate lost his mind and used to go climb a tree at 9 am everyday and sit on a branch until 5pm.
He thought of himself as a branch manager.
Letter Z getting removed Joke
After carefully considering and debating the matter for over two years, the Engwish Wanguage Centwaw Commission (EWCC) came to the concwusion that the letter Z should be remowed from the Engwish alphabet.
zero becomes xero
zoo is now xoo
visualize becomes visualise
analyze becomes analyse
zodiac is now xodiac
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.
But I'm a college graduate! the young man replied indignantly.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how...
We should all stop studying to prevent global warming
Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.
A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who's sign says life begins at conception
She goes up to the man and says that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn't viable until it graduates medical school!
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with a science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a sociology degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"
A University of Alabama graduate gets a job
He shows up to his first day of work, and the boss hands him a mop and a bucket.
"Hey! I will have you know I'm a graduate of the University of Alabama!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the boss said, "let me show you how to use those."
My friend graduated from medical school after 7 years.
He then got a job at his local clinic, but shortly got fired after that for sleeping with his patients!
He was one of the most promising veterinarians in our class
