Graduation Jokes

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"Let’s try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

Chuck Norris graduated college in one hour.

When I graduated from highschool, I was so poor and couldn't afford college.

So my parents sent me to dog training school.

I learned a lot when I was there.

Sit, stay, roll over.

I haven't quite got the fetching part down.

They say I'm a little rough around the edges.

A 21-year-old is hired by a hardware store.

He shows up for his first day of work at 8 AM sharp.

The boss welcomes him, then hands him a broom.

"First, sweep out the store. Then I'll show you where the window cleaning equipment is."

"Sir," the young man protests. "You can't be serious. I'm a college graduate."

"Oh, sorry," says the manager, pointing to the broom. "No problem. I can show you how that thing works."

Q: How many University Graduates does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but it may take up to seven years!

Q: What do you get when you complete science class?

A: A graduated cylinder.

Knock Knock

Who's there!

B-4!

B-4 who?

B-4 you take the diploma, shake the dean's hand.

I'd advise you graduates to keep your graduation gown. It's the only outfit you might not outgrow.

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A law-botomy.

Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Graduations are so immature

You can hardly get to the end without name calling

One music university senior complains to another:

"Dude, I have no idea how to write my graduation composition. Do you have any hint?"
"Why don't you try coping professor X's piece he wrote when getting his D.A.?"
"I did. It turned out to be Beethoven's Fifth Symphony."

At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...

So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."

This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.

Was told to unfold my graduation gown to get rid of the square creases

replied that I'd rather graduate with more degrees.

You guys! I'm so excited, I just hooked up with my crush from middle school.

...but now she keeps calling me expecting me to show up at her graduation.

How do people finish graduating from a Journalist school? They have to answer one last question. That question is "how do you do an excellent article?"

And the graduate answers "well, I think you press ctrl-c."
"Yes, go on," says the teacher.
"Then you press ctrl-v," says the graduate.

Five minutes later it's the graduation ceremony.

When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik

My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....

....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

Graduation unlike before

2 Asian kids graduated from High School. The school had never witnessed this phenomena, but both of them were #1 in their class. Long story short the parents couldn't be happier....it was a Nguyen, Nguyen for them.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18, and I could just have his motorcycle.

At my graduation, my friend called me a ranch

Because I be dressing 😏

What did the clothes designer say to her son at his graduation?

"I'm Prada you son."

I finally just slept with my high school crush.

Now she expects me to go to her graduation.

My college graduation was held inside the basketball arena and man was it hot

Musta been like 5,000 degrees in there

A waiter approaches a table celebrating their daughters graduation...

Father: Our daughter just graduated from SCU with an English degree!

Waiter: That's so great! Congratulations! I actually have a Master's degree in English Literature myself. Can I get you folks started with some chips and salsa?

Why was the piece of paper sad on graduation day?

College Ruled.

LinkedIn is the worst dating app

All people want to talk about is work and what I plan on doing after graduation

I used to get into fights at the drop of a hat.

Which is probably why I got fired from my job as a graduation photographer.

While watching graduation, I like to think all my students have the same potential.

However, when shaking their hands afterwards, I really felt that wasn't true. It was quite shocking!

I ordered a graduation cake for my son.

The baker asked me what I wanted it to say. Wow, talking cakes, who knew?

I will never forget my daughter's words to me at her graduation.

"Wow dad.. After 18 years you decide to come back..."

The ice breaker I used for my graduation speech today

What do you call the speed of an herbal beverage at any given time?

A. Veloci-tea

I don't like graduation ceremonies.

Too much circumstantial pomp.

I was surprised when a friend said he'll work at KFC right after graduation..

Out of curiosity, I asked him why.

​

All he said was, "It's in my bucket list."

Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation?

It was a real bad after-math.

My highschool teacher just became a grandfather

True story, a little background I had a teacher in highschool that I kept up with after graduation, he is also a little Aspergery.

So I just found out that he became a grandfather so I asked him What are you gonna have the kid call you ie grandad, grandpa, gramps etc... And in complete seriousness he responds with
"He's not gonna call me anything he can't talk"

After 72 years since not completing her college course, my Grandma finally went back and earned her very first diploma...

...I asked her what will she be wearing for her graduation ceremony and she said depends.

I got hit by a car on my way to my graduation.

The worst part is, I had the right of passage

Letter Z getting removed Joke

After carefully considering and debating the matter for over two years, the Engwish Wanguage Centwaw Commission (EWCC) came to the concwusion that the letter Z should be remowed from the Engwish alphabet.

zero becomes xero
zoo is now xoo

visualize becomes visualise
analyze becomes analyse

zodiac is now xodiac

Segura's favorite Jeselnik

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle.
But my mom said no.
See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18.

And I could just have his motorcycle.

- Anthony Jeselnik

(Segura asked him to tell this one on Your Mom's House, and he did.)