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Graduate School Jokes

105 graduate school jokes and hilarious graduate school puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about graduate school that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Graduate School Short Jokes

Short graduate school jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The graduate school humour may include short grad school jokes also.

  1. Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade. Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.
  2. I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children, it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.
  3. What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school? A doctor
  4. My dad told me... "When i was your age, i had to walk 13 miles to school"... So i said... "Is that why you didn't graduate?"
  5. Son, as a reward for graduating high-school at the top of your class, we've decided to pool or money and send you abroad! Son: Is she hot?
  6. When is a fetus viable? To a Christian, it's the moment of conception. To a Jew, it's when he graduates from medical school.
    -my mom heard this on the radio
  7. You have to wonder about a country where the bombs ... are smarter than the high school graduates. At least the bombs can find Iraq on the maps.
    (quote by
    Alan Whitney Brown of SNL fame)
  8. You guys! I'm so excited, I just hooked up with my crush from middle school. ...but now she keeps calling me expecting me to show up at her graduation.
  9. Kek day joke: What do you call the person who graduates medical school with the lowest GPA? Doctor.
  10. Post Grad Plans When my son graduated high school, he wanted to open up a dispensary, but i wanted him to become a doctor. When it came time to choose I told him: "It's my way, or the highway.

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Graduate School One Liners

Which graduate school one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with graduate school? I can suggest the ones about graduate student and school college.

  1. How do you get an art school graduate off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
  2. What did the pop can become when it finished high school? A graduated cylinder.
  3. Why don't farts graduate high school? Because they always get expelled.
  4. I would have graduated from Ninja School But nobody knew I was in the class
  5. Why did the scuba diver drop out of graduate school? Because he was always below a C
  6. What do you call a Med School student who graduates with all C's? A Doctor.
  7. What do you call a Native American who graduated from medical school? A doctor you racist
  8. What do you call someone who barely graduated from med school? Doctor.
  9. To all those who said I would never graduate high school... You were right. #classof2020
  10. When is a Jewish fetus considered a human being? When it graduates from medical school
  11. What do you call graduating from an American High school in 2018? Dodging a bullet
  12. I graduated from a school named after a famous leader I'm a Stalin grad
  13. Why do all mediocre film school graduates make foreign films? Because they're over C's.
  14. I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
  15. How do you get a Florida State graduate off your front porch?
    Pay for the pizza.

Comedy Graduate School Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle

What funny jokes about graduate school you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grad student jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make graduate school pranks.

Q: What are a blonde's first words after graduating college?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.


“Why of course”, comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”
“Of Course”, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Scotland are you from?”
“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”
“Of course”, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”, because there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”anisms.

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.


They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?
"Why does it work?"
What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?
"How does it work?"
What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?
"How much will it cost?"
What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?
"Do you want fries with that?"

When I graduated from highschool, I was so poor and couldn't afford college.
So my parents sent me to dog training school.
I learned a lot when I was there.
Sit, stay, roll over.
I haven't quite got the fetching part down.
They say I'm a little rough around the edges.

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

At school I graduated second to a lamp, he was too bright for me.

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A law-botomy.

Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

What do you want to be when you graduate high school?

"No more than 25" from Gary Muledeer

Good Polish Joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish v**.... As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish v**.... Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from l**... Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."

High School Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, old man asked me:
"What did you teach?"

The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted and breezes through, finishing with 5 phDs. He then decides he wants to go into politics. He starts out municipally and then onto state government, until he finally decides to run for President of the United States. He wins in a landslide, he was so popular that it was rumoured the opposition even voted for him. After his 8 years in office (yes, he got reelected) he remembers all the other wasps he left behind in the hive. He goes back to visit them. He sees his mother, his father, his auntie, his uncle, his brothers, his sisters, his cousins, and his one in-bred half brother on his dads side. When he is there he gets thirsty, he goes to the watering hole but there is a gigantic line, he estimates that it would take him 3 days to get a drink. "No point in waiting that long." He said. Then he made his way to the cider, but there is an even longer line there. Suddenly, he remembers that almost no one drinks punch in his hive. He makes his way over to the punch bowl, and guess what? There is no punchline.

Uncle just told me this one.

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"
The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh, I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?" "Beloit, in Wisconsin." "No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this..."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you wont believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

After her divorce, Jenny moved back to her home town, hoping to start afresh...

After her divorce, Jenny moved back to her home town, hoping to start afresh.
A few weeks later, while making a dental appointment, she recognized the name as that of a good looking boy from high school, 20 years ago. But when Jenny walked into the dentist's clinic, she realized it must be someone else: the dentist was bald, had a big beer belly and looked old. Just to be sure, Jenny asked if he had graduated from that particular high school.
"Yeah," said the dentist. "I graduated in 91." "Oh, you were in my class!" said an excited Jenny. "Really?" he said, "That's interesting. "What did you teach?"

Topical Jokes for 6/11

In California, a ten-year-old boy has graduated from high school. And in Florida, a ten-year-old girl has dropped out of school because she's pregnant.
…the boy has already sent out a college application, which was written in magic marker, on the back of a Fruit Roll Up.
Casey Kasem's family has decided to take him off of life support. They made the decision after Kasem's brain activity shot to the bottom of the charts.
Starbucks has announced their new tables will wirelessly charge phones placed on them. *Annnd* electrocute sleeping homeless people.

At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...

So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."
This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.

The MotherSuperior almost had a s**... ...

The Mother Superior was congratulating the girls in the current graduating class of the all girls parochial high school, and as she shook hands with each graduate, she asked her what she was going to become.
So Mary Teresa said a secretary, and Agnes said a homemaker, etc.
But when she got to Barbara Cecilia, Barbara Cecilia said "a p**...".
Well, the Mother Superior turned white as a sheet and said, "What did you say, Barbara Cecilia?"
And Barbara Cecilia repeated, "A p**..., Mother Superior."
Whereupon the Mother Superior said, "Oh, thank goodness - I thought you said 'a Protestant'!"

What do you call graduates from secret society school?

Alumniati

My dad is marrying his high school sweetheart next year.

That's when she graduates.

Why couldn't the Asian student graduate medical school?

"Knee-How?"

How do people finish graduating from a Journalist school? They have to answer one last question. That question is "how do you do an excellent article?"

And the graduate answers "well, I think you press ctrl-c."
"Yes, go on," says the teacher.
"Then you press ctrl-v," says the graduate.
Five minutes later it's the graduation ceremony.

Two Irish men are sitting in bar in New York....

The one Irish man turns to the other and asks him where he is from. The second Irish man responds by saying, " I'm from northern Ireland."
"Me too!" Says the first Irish man. He proceeds to ask the second Irish man where he went to school.
"St. Mary's Catholic church"
"Me too! What year did you graduate?"
"1974"
"Oh! Me too" they went on for a while discussing the similarities between their lives. One local turns to the bartender and asks, "What's with those guys?". Casually, the bartender replies, "it looks like the O'malley twins have had too much to drink again."

A 2007 study showed that for high school students graduating in the US, 4/3 did not know how to properly use fractions.

It might be an outdated study though.

What do you call the student with the best overall average in a graduating class at an all girl's school?

vulvavictorian

When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik

A Well-Planned Life?

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
She answered:
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."

What do you call a panda that graduates last in its class from medical school?

Dr. Bear Li

My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....

....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

"Boy, when I was your age I used to walk fifteen miles to school."

"Oh, is that why you didn't graduate"

What do you call the worst Dr. who graduated from the worst med school?

Dr.

Graduation unlike before

2 Asian kids graduated from High School. The school had never witnessed this phenomena, but both of them were #1 in their class. Long story short the parents couldn't be happier....it was a Nguyen, Nguyen for them.

I graduated from a Jewish high school

It included Pomp and Circumcision.

Name your newborn Cylinder

so the day he finishes high school he'd become a Graduated Cylinder

When do Jewish people believe the fetus achieves viability?

Not until he graduates from medical school.
Heard this one from a Jewish patient I had once.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another guy.
The first guy says, "That's a familiar accent you got there, where ya from?"
The other guy says "I'm Irish".
First guy says "I'm Irish too! Where did you live in Ireland?"
The second guy says "Dublin".
First guy:"Me too! When did you graduate?"
SG:"1978. What about you?"
FG:"I graduated in '78 too. Where'd you go to school?"
SG:"Saint Mary's. and you?"
FG"I went to Saint Mary's too!"
About that time, a new person walks into the bar. says to the bartender, "What's goin on?"
The bartender says, "oh nothing much, the O'Reilly brothers are drunk again."

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18, and I could just have his motorcycle.

After 10 years struggling in Engineering School, my grandson told me he's going to quit.

I said "Well, it's your life and your decision. I still believe some day I'll graduate."

I finally just slept with my high school crush.

Now she expects me to go to her graduation.

A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic...

He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible.
The teacher said "Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler"!

As the father of a now high school graduate, I think it's time I stopped fantasizing about "college girls."

I mean, no need to dream when you've got the real thing at home, right?

What is a woman called after she graduates the Japanese Culinary School?

A Sous-s**... Chef.

My 87 year old, retired navy grandpa told this joke at family dinner after I graduated physician assistant school: "Well did they teach you how to make a hormone?"

Step on her toe

What do you call the person who graduated bottom of their medical school?

Doctor.

"What do I have to do to graduate high school?"

"Who", the principal corrected as he unzipped his pants.

Why don't a lot of cows go to college?

Not a lot of them graduate high school.

Two Irish lads having a drink in a pub.

One says to the other  where you from?
Glanmire - outside Cork  replies the second
Amazing so am i!  the first exclaims  what school did you go too?
St Josephs  he replies
St Josephs!? I went St Josephs as well!!  shouts the first
The second asks  what year did you graduate?
1982  comes the reply.
My lord!  the 2nd stares in disbelief  I graduated 1982 also!
Its gonna be a long night  says the barman to a bar fly The Murphy twins are drunk again!

My brother can no longer return to his school, especially after what he just did...

He graduated.

This year, instead of Congrats! , we should be telling High School graduates...

Thank you for your service

It's been an exciting month

My girlfriend just graduated and I'm so proud of, moving on to bigger and better things... Like middle school, and puberty.

I used to take my dog to school

I finally stopped since it is graduated

If we're gonna die, then life is meaningless...

...similarly, if we're gonna graduate, then school is meaningless.

My wife graduated first in her class at culinary school

She graduated Summa Con Queso.

What do you call someone who graduated last in their class at medical school? A Doctor.

Not my doctor though.

Letter Z getting removed Joke

After carefully considering and debating the matter for over two years, the Engwish Wanguage Centwaw Commission (EWCC) came to the concwusion that the letter Z should be remowed from the Engwish alphabet.
zero becomes xero
zoo is now xoo
visualize becomes visualise
analyze becomes analyse
zodiac is now xodiac

My baby girl graduated law school today

I am so proud to finally call her my daughter in law.

My sister graduated med school and is growing antsy at her minimal workload

She just needs to have patients.

Segura's favorite Jeselnik

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle.
But my mom said no.
See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18.
And I could just have his motorcycle.
- Anthony Jeselnik
(Segura asked him to tell this one on Your Mom's House, and he did.)

jokes about graduate school