Grabbed Jokes
133 grabbed jokes and hilarious grabbed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grabbed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Grabbed Short Jokes
Short grabbed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grabbed humour may include short grabbing jokes also.
- Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber "is this whiskey?" The other says "yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
- Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance. Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.
Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies] - I told my wife, "You are so skinny." Then I grabbed her by the love handle and said, "Just look at all this skin."
- However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order. A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.
- My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues... Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.
- Garlic powder $5.99. steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99. Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless
- Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes. Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?
Me: They prefer to be called executioners. - Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually
- Husband: Grab some updog on your way home hon.. Wife: for the last time Greg, the kids an I are never coming back. Stop calling us, please...
Husband: not much, what's up with you? - I think my cholesterol might be too high, A mosquito bit me, grabbed it's little chest and keeled over.
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Grabbed One Liners
Which grabbed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grabbed? I can suggest the ones about grabs and captured.
- What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning? Grab a cup of joe.
- Anyone wanna hang out, grab a drink or shoot some pool? Asking for a friend
- What did the Danish bricklayer say when someone tried to grab him?
- What do programmers do when they're hungry? They grab a byte
- What did Fred Flintstone say when his wife broke her favorite vase? Grab-a-dab-a-glue!!
- I tried to grab some fog on the way to work But I mist.
- Why did the pastor go to KFC? To grab some breast.
- "Son, can you go grab the dopted for me?" "What's a dopted?"
"You are." - What's the most attention grabbing way to advertise a political candidate? Poll dancing
- Sometimes I like to grab my ankles and lean forward But that's just how I roll.
- To run for president, which part of a woman must you grab? Their attention.
- What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire? Grab your meat and beat it
- It was so foggy this morning and I tried to grab some of the fog Sadly, I mist.
- What do computer programmers do after work? They go out and grab a byte.
- A young boy once reached out to the grab some fog but he mist.
Great Grabbed Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about grabbed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grasp jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grabbed pranks.
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.
As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.
Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**..., or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
The Bank Robber
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
(credit to wetwillyone)
Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her p**... the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no p**...."
The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!
A man is lost in the back roads of Vermont when he collides with a local at the intersection...
He and the local got out to examine their bent fenders.
"Well, don't look like much," observed the local. "Why don't we just take a little pull to steady our nerves." He grabbed the jug from his battered pickup, removed the stopper and handed it to the tourist.
After taking a good slug, the tourist handed the jug back to the local, who banged the stopper and set the jug back in his truck.
"Aren't you going to have some?" asked the tourist.
The local shook his head. "Not till after the officer comes."
The old Man's Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Three businessmen were having dinner at a club...
When it came time to pay the check, each grabbed for it.
"It's a business expense," said one.
"I'll pay," said the second. "I'm on cost plus."
"Let me have it," argued the third. "I'm filing for bankruptcy next week."
Hardware Store
A friend of mine went to the hardware store to pick up a saw. When he found one that he needed he grabbed it from the shelf quickly, knocking a few other saws off the shelf with it. They fell on him and he unfortunately died.
I guess you could say he was taken by supplies.
Finally, he had made the perfect AI, a superhuman intelligence, waiting for his orders ...
Finally, he had made the perfect AI, a superhuman intelligence, waiting for his order. It would do whatever he told it to do, and it would do so in the most effective, fastest and cheapest way possible. So he thought, and thought and finally said to the robot, "Robot, I don't want to see any suffering in this world, ever."
Promptly, the robot grabbed the nearby icepick and t**... it in his eyes.
A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...
The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."
"What is it, dear?"
"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"
She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"
The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."
Made a c**... greentext based on a conversation
>be me
>tall and white
>life is good
>suddenly, while chillaxin, get grabbed by random n**... girl
>awyisss.jpg
> Squeezes me with her hands
>white stuff goes in her palms
>she spreads it all over her head
>wat.mp4
>she shouts 'My eyes! It burns!'
>she grabs towel and wipes out eyes
>mfw I'm shampoo
My dad always grabbed a copy of O, The Oprah Magazine, when we were in the checkout line...
He'd hold it up, and in an excited, but serious voice, he'd say "This has to be some sort of record! She made the cover *AGAIN!*
A man tries to rob a record store...
... by stealing many valuable vinyls. However, a sharp-eyed-shopper caught him in the act. He shouted out, "Hey! This guy's trying to shoplift!" to the rest of the store. The thief tried to run away, but the shopper grabbed a record and threw it at the man, knocking him over. Several other shoppers noticed, and joined in on the act, ransacking the *Hard Rock* section for vinyls to throw at the thief, beating and bruising him all over with their throws.
Eventually, the mob ran out of vinyls to throw from the *Hard Rock* section. So, they went over the neighboring section, *Folk Rock*, and grabbed even more records to throw at the thief. However, to their astonishment, the records had no effect. The discs bounced off the man like he was invulnerable to them. Astounded, the sharp-eyed shopper asked, "How are you not getting hurt?"
The thief replied, "Styx and the Stones may break my bones, but Byrds will never hurt me."
I robbed a convenience store today, only to find out I accidentally grabbed the cigarillos instead
i was close, but no cigar
Mexican Magician
A Mexican magician was preforming for a large group of kids at a birthday party. He announced at the end of his act that he would now dissappear on the count of three. He grabbed his cape, counted "Uno! Dos!" and he disappeared without a tres.
"The FISH joke"
A lazy guy went fishing but forgot the worms. So instead, he grabbed a piece of paper and wrote on it; "I am a delicious worm!", attached it the hook and threw it in the water .. After 3 hours of waiting, he finally felt a drag.. so he quickly pulled the hook out of the water, and found a different piece of paper that says: ".. And I am a delicious fish ;)"
A man discovered that feeding seagulls to his porpoises will make them live forever.
A man discovered that feeding seagulls to his porpoises will make them live forever. He went to the beach and grabbed two seagulls. As he arrived back home, he saw, sound asleep in his doorway, an old stodgy lion. As he stepped over the lion carrying the seagulls, police surrounded and arrested him. Of course the charge was transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
The Earth and the Moon get in an argument
The Moon tried to be the bigger body and walk away, but the Earth grabbed it and said "I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. "
How did copper wire get invented?
Two jews grabbed for the same penny.
Two h**... got married.
On their wedding night, the h**... groom admitted that he was a v**... and didn't really know what to do.
The h**... bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.
A First Mate turns to his Captain and says...
"Captain! There is a light ahead and we are receiving a transmission that we should veer to the left."
The Captain grabbed the radio and said, "This is a fully armed battleship. Veer right or be destroyed."
The voice on the radio responded, "This is a lighthouse. Your move."
Organic Vegetables
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables when I went to the market. I looked around but couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee in the produce section and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" The produce guy looked at me, slyly smiled and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that every time her husband comes home from drinking he beats her......
The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"
I walked in on a man nailing my wife against the wall....
So I grabbed another hammer and gave him a hand
A computer science student...
...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. You can't see that, it's private!
The second student protested, But we're in the same class
A kid asked his mom : how did you make me ?
His mom said : one night i put little sugar under my pillow and in the morning you were by my side; The kid grabbed some sugar and put it under his pillow, he woke up in the morning and found an ant in his bed, "If you weren't my son, I swear i would've squashed you!"
A priest out for a walk comes across a boy tied to a tree
The priest says, "oh you poor boy, what on earth has happened to you?"
The boy says, "I was just walking home when these 2 men grabbed me, tied me up and did terrible things to me."
The priest loosens his cassock and says, "It's not your lucky day is it?"
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
What does a waffle from the hood say when his friend gets grabbed?
Hey! Leggo my neggo!
It's been a rough morning.
Picked up my coffee, handle came off. Put on a shirt, button came off. Grabbed my tool box, handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!
There was a boy with lung cancer...
One day a priest came to visit the boy in the hospital. The Priest sat on the boy's side to comfort him and pray. Soon, the boy was unable to breathe. Acting quickly the priest grabbed a pen and paper to gather the boy's last words. Days later at the f**..., the priest read the boys last words and it read " Dear Father Dave, you are on my oxygen tube."
A drunk man was looking confused at a hand mirror
"I've seen this person before" he said.
His drunk friend grabbed the mirror from his hand to take a look "That's me you d**...".
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
I was gonna go as myself for Halloween this year...
But after Trump's comment, I think I'm gonna get grabbed a lot
I always wanted a skateboard.
So one day I asked my mom for a skateboard. She said no as it was too expensive. So I came up with an idea to resolve my problem - I grabbed a plank of wood and some nails.
And beat her to death.
Northernlion's birth
When NL was being born, the doctor grabbed him, but NL was so slippery that the doctor dropped him to the floor. To the doctor's and his mother's surprise, NL did not cry. Instead, he sighed deeply and said:
"Dumb damage"
I was in the process of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam.
I was in the proccess of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam. I went and grabbed the last cucumber from the refrigerator, but on my way back I tripped. The cucumber fell into some brine, and by the time I'd fished it out it was to late. Now I've got a real pickle in my hands.
Earbuds
so today one of my friend was wearing ear buds and im like: YOU MAY HAVE EAR BUDS, BUT I GOT MY BUDS EAR! and i grabbed my friends ear.
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
I remember my first kiss.....
it was during recess, by the swings. Her name was Liz, she was in 4th grade. We were talking, I don't know what came over me, I grabbed her face and kissed her. It lasted about 10 seconds, we both awkwardly kissed each other, it took us both by surprise.
That night, it was all I could think about. Apparently, that night, she told her parents.
And that's why I can't teach in New York State anymore.
My baseball coach told me to steal first base..
So I grabbed it and ran as fast as I could!
I was at McDonalds earlier today, just chilling when a really hot, girl walked up to me.
She grabbed me and took me to her car. She ripped my clothes off and starts s**... me as if she's dying of thirst. She s**... long and slobbery and I let out a huge load. She looked up with the face of satisfaction.
Then I realised I'm a straw.
I was watching tv last night...
and one of those ads came on with one of those little black African babies covered in flies. I immediately grabbed the phone and called the number on the screen. I had to have one, they work so much better than those sticky strips that hang from the ceiling.
Did you hear that Donald Trump ripped up the Paris Agreement today?
Unfortunately he grabbed the wrong one, and now the US is a British colony again.
Late one night, Norm answered the doorbell to find a 6 foot tall cockroach standing on the step.
The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.
The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined.
Ah, yes, the doctor said when Norm explained what happened. There's a n**... bug going around.
The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree
Son: "Dad where did I come from?"
Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."
Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."
Dad: "I slipped in cider."
Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.
A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.
The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."
To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"
I was watching a french man make a cake...
I admired his enthusiasm. He grabbed the flour, added it to the bowl, and started adding the wet ingredients. Intrigued about his recipe, I asked "hey man, how many eggs did you use for your cake?"
The French man replied, "un oeuf."
After an hour long fight, my wife burst into tears when I grabbed her fancy new underwear from the dresser and threw it in the coffee grinder.
There's no use crying over milled silk.
There once was a farmer with three daughters.
They were all going on their first date at the same time. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, grabbed a shotgun and stood by the door. The first guy came to the door and said
"Hi, my names Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready too go?"
The farmer thought he was ok, so they went out.
The next boy came and said
"Hi, my names Kenny, I'm here for Benny, we are going to Denny's, is she ready?
The farmer thought he was ok too, so they went off. The last boy came and said
"Hi, my names Chuck-"
The farmer shot him in the chest.
They said treat people how you want to be treated
..So when I grabbed her I thought she'd grab me back, but she just ran off..
I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me with our neighbor.
So I grabbed my shotgun, walked over to his house, and knocked really loud on his door. He opened the door asking why I had a shotgun in my hands. I handed it to him saying, "If you want my wife you can have her, but you're going to need to use some protection".
One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...
One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or get out of the pond n**...". Holding the bucket up he said "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Bob is walking down the street when suddenly his phone is grabbed out of his hands
The thief starts running away after grabbing Bob's phone
Bob: GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK OR IM CALLING THE COPS!!
Quaker home defense
one night john had come home for the day, exhausted from being plain and keeping thoughts to himself and went straight to bed. During the night someone broke in and this roused him from his sleep. leaping into action john grabbed his musket and charged downstairs. upon meeting the robber he leveled his musket and yelled
"friend I don't mean to alarm you but you're standing between me and where I want to shoot"
Plane Joke
There was a plane about to go down. The people who were on there were: Trump, The Pope, The Pilot, and 3rd grader. There are three parachutes. The Pope grabs a parachute and says; "I am more important" Then bails. Trump grabs a parachute and says "I am the worlds smartest man. I can't die" Then bails. The Pilot looks at the kid and said here have my Parachute, the kid responded No need to, the "worlds smartest man" grabbed my backpack.
After the Super Bowl, Tom Brady tried to mug me.
He grabbed me and lifted me off the ground.
Luckily, he fumbled me and I got away.
They say kids are chick magnets and they weren't kidding!!!!
I grabbed one off a playground the other day and had 10 women running after me.
My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him
He did not like the taste of his own medicine
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn't find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?
The produce guy looked at me and said, No. You'll have to do that yourself.
A man told me he was going to run off with my wife.
I grabbed him, hugged him, and asked if he needed any gas money.
My friend grabbed my by the shoulders and shook me
My friend grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook my while exclaiming, "I'm a pecan! I'm a cashew!"
I said "What?"
My friend continued shaking me back and forth and yelling, "I'm a macadamia! I'm an almond!"
I said "Woah dude! You're nuts!"
I told my grandfather to get me the enciclopedia..
He told me that he knew everything, and instead of using a book, used him. So I grabbed him and slammed him on the wall the kill that fly.
Noah was feeling bored on the Ark
His wife said, "Why don't you go outside and fish for a little?"
Noah agreed, grabbed his fishing pole and went out on the deck to fish.
He comes back in 10 minutes later, sits down, and pouts.
His wife asks him, "Why did you stop fishing?" and he says,
"I ran out of worms."
My wife got a kitkat the other day and I stole a finger. Today she grabbed one of mine..
I guess it was Kit for Kat
How Canada Was Named
So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"
A foreigner was walking around Italy
When suddenly a thief grabbed her purse and started running away
The woman shouted "Hey! It's my purse!"
The thief shouted back "It's my job!"
Yugi: Kaiba! How come Your card grabbed my card's groin and threatened to deport it...
Kaiba: You fool! You've activated my Trump card.
A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$
Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a 1$, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar but not buying any apples well-" The woman cuts him off: "No I am not the least bit interested, apples now cost 2$ instead of one".
The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day
He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some m**....
Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said You know you wanna . Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.
Use contraceptives kids.
I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...
I fought the slaw and the slaw won.
Ryu wanted to confess to his lady-crush Chun Li....
So he baked some white fudge treacle tarts and put them down on a table. Ken walked up and was like, "ooh, these tarts smell delicious" and he started to pick one up, when Ryu grabbed the whole plate and did a jumping-spinning kick at Ken while yelling "THESE TARTS AREN'T FOR YOU KEN!"
What did the man who grabbed the wrong coffee cup say?
That's not my cup of tea.
I went to the store to buy butter, but grabbed a substitute by mistake.
I guess you could say I have a margarine of error.
"Mom, do you think I'm ugly?"
She turned around and grabbed me by the collar if my shirt, "I told you not to call me mom in public!!!"
Mich grabbed his Meat. Sam grabbed her buns...
The made little sam'miches together. <3
I decided to leave work an hour early today.
The flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute though.
A man is telling a story to his friend.
He says:
- So last night I was at that s**... girl's place, and we were talkin' dirty. And at one point she blindfolded herself and said "Do what you want!". So, y'know, I grabbed her phone and laptop and walked out...
At that point, his friend starts laughing. The first guy replies:
- What you laughin' at? If you were there, we could have taken the TV!
I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so s**... because I left them on top of my car
Turns out I lost them on my own accord
(Physics joke) Hammer grabbed by zombies
He is MC scared.
