The Best 61 Grab Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Grab jokes. There are some grab puts jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these grab gobble puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Grab Jokes and Puns

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said let's take this upstairs

Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other

What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?

Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.

The Horse and the Chicken

One day the horse and the chicken were walking along the road near the farm, merrily chatting away. Suddenly, the horse fell into a muddy hole and couldn't get out.

"Help help Chicken! I've fallen and I can't get out of this hole!", the Horse yelled. "Don't worry," said the chicken. "I'll just get the farmer's BMW and pull you out!"

The chicken did this, and all was well. The following day, without thinking the chicken fell into the same hole.

"Help help Horse! I've fallen into this hole and I can't get out!"

The horse smiled and said, "Don't worry Chicken. Just grab a hold of my weiner!"

"What?!?"

"Well, when you're hung like a horse, you don't need BMWs to pick up chicks."

Grab joke, The Horse and the Chicken

My daughter came up to me and said

My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm coming!" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her."

Sometimes when I'm alone in my room

I squat down, grab hold of my ankles and lean forward. Coz that's how I roll.


A man and a boy walked into a barbershop together.

After the man got his haircut, he sat the boy in the barber's chair and said, "I'm just going to run around the corner to grab a paper." When the boy's haircut was donw, the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten about you." "Oh, that wasn't my dad," the boy said, "He just walked up to me on the street, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.""

New Old House

While carpenters were busy working outside the old house I just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workers came in and asked to use the washroom. I looked at his muddy boots and said "Just wait a second, Ill grab some newspapers"

"That's alright lady," he responded, "I'm already trained."

Grab joke, New Old House

A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . .

When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him.

Woman: Are you a cowboy?

Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am.

Woman: Like a real deal cowboy?

Cowboy: I don't know any other kind.

Woman: I've never met a real cowboy before.

Cowboy: Well now you have.

Woman: Well?

Cowboy: Well what?

Woman: Aren't you going to ask what I am?

Cowboy: Well, uh, what are you?

Woman: I'm a lesbian.

Cowboy: A lesb- . . . I don't believe I know what that is.

Woman: It means that I like women. I like to kiss them and touch them and make love to them.

Cowboy: . . . .

The woman gets up and leaves and another woman comes into the bar. She spots the cowboy sitting there with his beer and takes a seat beside him.

Woman: Are you a cowboy?

Cowboy: Well ma'am, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

harharhar.

Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...

...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.

They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"

"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.

He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"

"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.

"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.

The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"

Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"

The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."

The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."

Three men and a parachute

So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to crash. There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.

The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.

The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."

The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."

To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."

You can explore grab grabbing nuts reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean grab capture dad jokes. There are also grab puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A nun, a priest and a politician...

are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there's not enough for everybody. The nun says "we need to save the children!" The politician yells back "SCREW THE CHILDREN!" The priest looks at the politician and says "Do we have time?"

How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking??

Slow down and grab some lube!!

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"

My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"

I replied, "my life."

What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?

Grab a cup of joe.

What did the Danish bricklayer say when someone tried to grab him?

Grab joke, What did the Danish bricklayer say when someone tried to grab him?

A programmer heads to the shops

His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"

He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.

A penguin's car broke down in the middle of the city.

So he got his car towed to a mechanic's shop and walked to an ice-cream shop to grab a large cone.

After about 20 minutes, he walked back to the mechanic's shop and asked if he knew what the problem was.

"It looks like you blew a seal," said the mechanic.

"No, no, I swear to god it's just ice-cream."

Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually


A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
I'm done for, the man cries in despair.
No, you are not, comes a booming voice from the heavens. Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, Now, what?
The booming voice replies, Now you are done for.

I tried to grab some fog on the way to work

But I mist.

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

A computer science student...

...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. You can't see that, it's private!
The second student protested, But we're in the same class

My favorite part of a marathon is...

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

Unshakable Fact # 5

Arguing over a girl's breast size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

How do they play Pokemon Go in Gaza Strip?

They grab a round rock from the ground and say: "Pick-a-jew"!

I'm sitting in a bar having a drink ...

... and I see man fall down. I go over and pick him up. "Bartender, do you know where this man lives? I'll give him a lift home." He tells me where he lives. I grab the guy, pull him down to the car, put him in the car, he falls into the backseat. I get to the address, pull the man out, he falls down three more times, I pick him up each time. I knock on the door, his wife answers. I say "I brought your husband home." She says "Where's his wheelchair?"

A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."

First post hope you like it. :)

My mom was watching TV when an Ad for an Alzheimer's medication cam on...

She says to me "Grab a pencil and paper and write down this medication in case i get Alzheimer's so you know what med to give me." I said "Mom don't be silly. You have already written it down five times"

At the Bee Prom...

A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says "I'll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch"
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream machine, the honey line, but after hours of searching he realizes...
There is no punch line

Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes.

Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?

Me: They prefer to be called executioners.

Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless.

(The most common first comment I see for every joke is "repost". I just made this one up. If someone came up with the same punchline before, guess what, it's a coincidence. Great minds think alike)

A man walks into a steakhouse

A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.

"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.

She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."

"And what if I miss?"

"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"

He looks up again.

"No, the steaks are too high."

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving through the desert.

The car breaks down, and they've got no cell reception, so they have to walk to get help. The brunette says "I'll grab the bottled water in case we get thirsty." The redhead says, "I'll grab the snacks in case we get hungry."

The blonde rips the drivers side door off its hinges. "I'll take this door, so if we get hot, I can roll the window down."

However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

An attractive woman was reading The History of Penises on the bus the other day...

... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"

She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest penises in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"

She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

A pilot bailed out of his crashing plane and landed on an uncharted island.

He soon found himself surrounded by natives with spears. A big native adorned with decorations points at the pilot.

I'm screwed, says the pilot.

God opens up the clouds and says to the pilot, No, you're not screwed. Grab the closest spear and throw it through the leader's heart.

The pilot does this.

NOW you're screwed, says God.

My wife rushed into the supermarket to grab a few items

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues...

Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

"Son, can you go grab the dopted for me?"

"What's a dopted?"

"You are."

How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

A NSFW tag.

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They're actually in the middle of performing Beethoven's 9th symphony, but there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the conductor's score a few pages before they start playing again. When he turns the page, it'll tug on the string and they'll know to head back to the concert hall.

So the symphony goes on, and pretty soon the conductor realizes he's in trouble.

It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.

Husband: Grab some updog on your way home hon..

Wife: for the last time Greg, the kids an I are never coming back. Stop calling us, please...

Husband: not much, what's up with you?

Why did the pastor go to KFC?

To grab some breast.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.

"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."

The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.

What do programmers do when they're hungry?

They grab a byte

Sex education

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

One day we should get her for this, said the first boy.

I agree. We'll grab her... said the second.

Yeah, said the third. And then we'll kick her in the nuts!

I asked my wife to grab 6 asparagus stalks from the garden. She came back with 7.

The last one was just a spare, I guess.

You can't take it with you

A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does as asked and soon after the man dies.

A few months later the wife is cleaning out the attic and finds the suitcase. "Stupid idiot" she says "I knew I should have put it in the basement."

Three old men, hard of hearing

Three old men, hard of hearing, are waiting at a bus stop on a hill, it's winter time.
The first man goes as he's shivering brrrr, it's windy !
The second one responds it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday ,
And the third man says I'm thirsty too, let's go grab a beer !

PSA Free Food

Just wanted to let everyone know this. Around where I live, I have noticed that restaurants are putting their extra food in a bag and placing on a table. You can just come in and grab one. Now you won't know what's in it until you open in your car but it's can be a nice surprise and it's free.

Bonus, if you park where they have these advertising signs in the parking lot, they will bring you the food out to your car. They always call me by the wrong name but whatever.

Sex Ed

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D, the second a D-, and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "

We'll grab her he continued. And we'll tie her up! said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

I grabbed a pack of Oreos out of the cabinet, but I had such a hard time getting them open that the pack suddenly ripped down the side and spilled them all over the floor.

Now they're just Flooreos.

A trucker drives through some industrial estate,

He stops near a warehouse and ten minutes later a prostitute approaches nearby.

"50 and I'll do anything, love."

The trucker stares at her up and down.

"deal, grab the forklift and start unloading the truck."

A father's three daughters were heading out of the house to go on dates

The first daughter said, I'm going out with Joe, and we're gonna see a show

The father said, A fine fella! Have fun my dear

The second daughter said, I'm going out with Pete, and we're gonna grab a bite to eat

Sounds wonderful! Have fun my dear

The third daughter said, I'm going out with Chuck, and we're gonnaβ€”

Oh no no no you don't young lady!! You march right back upstairs this instant!

~fin~

1st day at College

It was my first day at College, the class was full of students, I was late for 5 minutes and couldn't find an empty chair to sit on, the master told me to go to the next class and grab a chair, I went to the door next it was full of students as well, asked if I can grab a chair, all the students laughed, then I realized that it was same class and I just opened the backdoor of the same class

My neighbor's dog keeps going in my yard

I tell my neighbor politely a few times to keep his dog in his yard, but every evening I come out to a fresh pile.

I tell him to clean it up, but he never does, so I give him an ultimatum: The next time your dog comes into my yard I am going to cook him.

The next day, sure as anything, the dog shits in my yard. So I grab the little nuisance and kennel him as I throw a big steak on my cast iron skillet set over a fire.

My neighbor comes out, horrified, and says I had an over-reaction.

I point to the crust on the steak and say No, this is just a my-yard reaction.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the grab pull jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working grab seize piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes