Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Government Jokes
The government offered to buy back all my guns
I turned them down
I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars...
America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, Listen. Differences aside, we can't let you send people to the sun. It's s**.... They burn to death even at far distances! Please don't carry out this mission! The Iranians laughed wittily amongst themselves, jabbing each other with elbows and pointing at the westerners as one Iranian says, s**... Americans! They think we're going during the daytime!
Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...
...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".
The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...
The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.
What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student?
An essay.
I'm in so much debt...
I could start a government.
Smith & Wesson Joke
A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:
Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.
It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines...
They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls.
All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
You can explore government minister reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean government goverment dad jokes. There are also government puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin
One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.
"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."
The NSA
The only part of the government that actually listens
The United States government.
Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?
but they hired a government contractor that cut corners
A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army "Kim Jong Un is an idiot!" and gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government.
1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.
I like the NSA
They're the only government agency that listens
My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.
I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?
The NSA isn't all that bad
It's the only part of the American government that listens to its citizens!
I'm starting to hate the U.S. government
The NSA appears to be the only department which listens
The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl.
It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?
Strippers don't rig their polls.
If Trump is elected president...
He will be the first billionaire to move into government housing after a black man.
The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave.
It's full of convex.
What do you call a snake that works for the government?
A civil Serpent
The UK Government has decided to make l**... legal as a drug for weight loss
It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.
The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."
So I asked my friend, "I hear your husband applied for a position in the government"
Me:"What is he doing now?"
Friend: "Nothing"
Me: "But I thought he got the job!?"
Friend: "Yes he did."
Why is the oval office oval shaped?
Because the government cuts corners.
4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.
What is a government mandate?
When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.
It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear ....
….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.
Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?
Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.
"Thank you for calling the NSA..."
"The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"
I was wondering why the book about s**... I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"
Then I realized I was reading the c**... Sutra.
Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....
If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.
My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government.
Visitors only see the nice china.
(Original) What do you call a feminist government?
A d**...-hater-ship.
Old Cold War joke
A Russian and an American are talking about their countries. The American said, " we have the most freedom in the world, I can march into the White House bang on the president's desk and say sir I do not like how this country is being run." The Russian replied," I can do that too, I can march into the Kremlin, go up to our leaders desk and say sir I do not like how the US government is being run."
TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.
It was a coup-stick.
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
Give a communist a fish?
Feed them for a day
Teach a communist to fish
Now government has more fish
Three boys were talking after school...
Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."
The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"
The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"
Why is s**... i**...?
destruction of government property.
How do you fix a government....?
Try turning them off and then on again...
President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."
How do we know 9/11 wasn't a government plot?
Because it worked.
Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:
It worked.
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." p**...! He's back in his government office.
What doesn't the US government update it's privacy policy?
You need to have one first before you updated it.
A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime."
Father: "Government or private sector?"
The American Government is just like a car...
If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
The government reveals their new logo today....
The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a c**....
I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a c**... allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of d**..., and gives you a sense of security while being s**....
This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...
a Mexican stand off.
The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.
Now they'll have the time as well as the inclination.
The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.
Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
watching the US government deal with the Coronavirus is like watching the Ministry of Magic deal with Voldemort's return.
change my mind.
Conspiracy theorists are like, If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
It's a government surveillance drone.
In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves
They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit... They stole the machine
Liverpool have won the league, the government is paying people not to work....
Somewhere there's a scouser with a genie in a lamp wondering what to do with his last wish
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."
Cardi B's sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly
They call her 'Cagey B'
My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...
Not on my watch.
People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.
Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?
Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?
Kick them out of Congress
My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties
Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?
The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the h**... am I going to find 5 people without issues?
The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a third world country if they gain independence.
I don't know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.
Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?
Taiwanasaurus
"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"
"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."
North Korean citizens believe they live in the best country in the world because the government and the media brainwash them.
When every American citizen knows that America is the best country in the world.
How do we know the government wasn't behind 9/11?
Because it worked.
Drains on society
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, this past election year has really got me thinking. Did you know 4 million of these people enter our country each year? They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hard-working Americans and the government is doing nothing to stop them. Not to mention that they are dirty and they smell bad! They don't even speak English!!!" the guy rants to the bartender. "I hate babies."
4 million of these people...
### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.
The Government is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I'm going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much.
My clocks, my choice.
I think Unilever should print little government conspiracies on their cotton swabs.
They could call them Q tips
A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...
when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.
Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.
A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier points his gun at the man's head, "...bang!"
The man apologises and shuffles off. When he gets back home his wife asks him, "husband, your hands are empty! Have they run out of bread again?"
To which the man replies, "it's even worse than that. They've run out of bullets!"
Why is s**... i**... in China?
Destruction of government property
24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.
To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.
A man in Russia was arrested for saying that Putin is an idiot and given a peculiar sentence to one year and fourteen days precisely in prison.
That's fourteen days for criticising the government, and one year for revealing a state secret.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by their government and the media.
But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
Republicans want small government
So small that it fits in your doctors office and your bedroom
What do fetuses, servicemen and gay people have in common in the US?
The government stops caring about them once they're out.
Did you hear about the bar for West African bookstore workers with anti government views?
Liberian Libertarian Librarian Libations
Yo Momma is so ugly
The government extended mask mandates to give everyone's eyes a break
People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.
An American gets sentenced to jail in an european prison
The US government had to put in a lot of diplomatic negotiation to get him back into the states.
They mostly had to convince him.
The government is reported to have invented a mind-control air freshener.
It makes scents if you think about it.
Yo Momma's so fat, when she jumps up in the air
the government shoots her unidentified a**... down.
What do you get when the government gets involved in digestive issues.
An enema of the state.
Real conversation with my 6-year-old:
Him (looking at a bank building): Is this where they keep the money that you donate to them?
Me: Yes, but we don't _donate_ to the bank, we _deposit_ into the bank. 'Deposit' means that you're going to take it back later. 'Donate' means that you just give it away and don't expect to ever get it back.
Him: Oh, I know an example of donate. Like, when you earn money and pay your taxes, you are _donating_ to the government because you're never gonna get it back. Right?
Me: ???
How has the Russian government started spelling Ukraine?
A-f-g-h-a-n-i-s-t-a-n.
Why is suicide a crime?
Destruction of government property...
The US government hired Stanley Kubrick to film the fake moon landing.
...but he was such a stickler for doing it right that he insisted that they film on location.
