Govern Jokes
109 govern jokes and hilarious govern puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about govern that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Govern Short Jokes
Short govern jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The govern humour may include short preside jokes also.
- North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
- The American Government is just like a car... If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
- The Government is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I'm going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much. My clocks, my choice.
- Cardi B's sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly They call her 'Cagey B'
- Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government? Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
- The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a third world country if they gain independence. I don't know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.
- A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime." Father: "Government or private sector?"
- Why does the government use microwave to spy on you? Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.
- I think Unilever should print little government conspiracies on their cotton swabs. They could call them Q tips
- What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common? Both are measured in revolutions per minute.
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Govern One Liners
Which govern one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with govern? I can suggest the ones about rule and administration.
- Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot: It worked.
- What is a government mandate? When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.
- How do you fix a government....? Try turning them off and then on again...
- Why is the oval office oval shaped? Because the government cuts corner.
- The NSA The only part of the government that actually listens
- The United States government.
- I'm in so much debt... I could start a government.
- How do we know 9/11 wasn't a government plot? Because it worked.
- My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government. Visitors only see the nice china.
- I like the NSA They're the only government agency that listens
- Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate? Taiwanasaurus
- What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil Serpent
- My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals... Not on my watch.
- What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student? An essay.
- What's the only branch of the government that actually listens to its people? NSA
Heartwarming Govern Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about govern you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dictate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make govern pranks.
The government offered to buy back all my guns
I turned them down
I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.
Do you know why the government is important?
It isn't, now have a landmine.
-Ron Swanson
How many governments does it take to make an Egyptian happy?
I'll let you know when I find out...
The Government
Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.
The Government Hates Competition
How can we be sure the government wasn't involved in the kennedy assassination?
Well he's dead, isn't he?
(Adapted from Neil Gaiman's *American Gods*)
Which government organization is involved with protecting Area 51?
The C.I.ayy
Why are government buildings alike all around the world?
free masonry.
The Horses decided to form a Senate to govern themselves...
But they could never get anything done. "All in favor, say Yay. All opposed, say neigh."
The government have announced new measures to stop migrants from getting into England
Henceforth, Chelsea fans will be in charge of security at Calais.
What does your body's government do to a fresh cut?
It boyclotts it
How do government employees wink when they're at work?
They briefly open one eye.
Q.: "Governor, what would you say if Trump picked you as his running mate?"
Christie: "I'll close down that bridge when I get to it."
If the government hates whistleblowers so much,
They should probably stop giving people whistles.
You may not like EVERY government agency...
...but you've really gotta hand it to the IRS.
The US government is taking Samsung to court.
They're being charged with a fault in battery.
The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave.
It's full of convex.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The UK Government has decided to make l**... legal as a drug for weight loss
It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...
Did you know the government puts ground beef in the chem trails?
That explains the meatier showers.
Government - 'Um, we're having big issues with tax evasion. People are stashing away notes with large denominations.'
Modi: 'Have you tried turning them off and and on again?'
The government forcibly took over MarshallMathers.com
They cited Eminem domain
The US government has been trying to get rid of Fidel Castro for 50 years.
Trump gets elected, and Castro is dead within 3 weeks.
The government bought me a sports car.
It's a coupe d'etat.
Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....
If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.
The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War.
These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.
Why?
It's because they are Palindrones.
A government worker complains...
- With my new team leader, it's impossible to sleep at work.
- Why? Does he watch you?
- No, he snores.
(I thought it was at least good for a chuckle...)
Government can hear what you say
but McDonald can't hear no pickles
How does the Government get info off TOR?
Leeks
What did the government say to the contractor who thought they won the bid but complained when they found out otherwise?
Did you just assume my vendor?
The government will be giving out special glasses for the solar eclipse
It's called the no child left blind
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How is the government pranking millennials?
By making them pay into Social Security.
Government and attorneys are the same.
Everyone hates them until you need one.
Our government don't like thieves
They hate competitors
Why did the government of Ethiopia tie a piece of string over their country?
So the kids could play in the shadow.
What government organization only investigates incidents involving frozen water?
The Just-Ice Department.
The government has developed a program to increase the dancing skills of the vice president...
They used an Al Gore Rhythm....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the government shut down...
I saw my senator with a sign that said, "Will lie, cheat, and steal for food."
Or
now my senator has to lie, cheat, and steal for free.
Or
so will my senator stop lying, cheating, and stealing?
Take your pick or insert your parasite of choice. And don't forget to tip your waitresses.
My government isn't working
Phone Agent: Okay, have you tried turning it off and then back on?
Schumer: It didn't work
The government is full of cuts!
See they even took the n out on that last sentence
Why don't government employees look out of the window in the morning?
So they have something to do in the afternoon!
Your government in action
Management ordered refrigerators be installed in the datacenter before the Easter code freeze
How is the government in 2018 like a diner?
No substitutions!
The US government has resorted to jailing political dissidents using fake accusations
Reports say they were arrested on Trump'ed up charges.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." p**...! He's back in his government office.
What doesn't the US government update it's privacy policy?
You need to have one first before you updated it.
The government has covered up the existence of monsters for centuries...
The truth is kept under Loch and key.
If you look at our government through a mirror, there is nothing left.
Because if you look at it directly, there is nothing right.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The US Government spent $365,000 to test the effect of c**... on quails' s**... drive...
The study has been met with fierce criticism by guinea pigs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The US government are now forcing all under 25 year old fit and healthy American males to work for the Bank of America immediately or face criminal detention.
They've decided to become a BoA Conscripter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The government reveals their new logo today....
The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a c**....
I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a c**... allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of d**..., and gives you a sense of security while being s**....
The government is like a snooze button
It can't go more than 5 minutes without annoying you
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What was the governor of North Carolina criticized for responding to Hurricane Florence so quickly?
Because women don't like p**... evacuations
The government say they're going to tackle gambling addiction.
Bet you a tenner they don't.
Why didn't the government fine the gas company when fracking polluted the water supply?
They were exxonerated.
You know the government does no shave November
When December hit bush was gone
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
The US government shut down three times in 2018
That's more times than I shut down my computer.
A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?
What plane?
The new government guidelines were getting a bit too high,
We've started calling them guidelights
This government shutdown has made it so TSA agents can relate to artists.
There is a lot of exposure and no pay.
Government is back open but I heard
If trump sees his shadow it's 6 more weeks of shutdown
VA Governor Northam has not made a public appearance since Saturday
This is partly thanks to a tunnel system that connects his residence to his office. It is predicted that when he does resurface & sees his shadow, we are guaranteed 6 more weeks of scandals.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The US Government is having trouble finding o**...'s son.
He's bin laden low
A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...
Critics are referring to it as proper gander.
The government has started fining its citizens for poorly worded sentences.
It's the syntax
The government swore to shut down Fortnite due to claims of the video game aggravating children and teens worldwide.
Two weeks later, Fortnight was finished.
How can we be certain the government is trying to kill us?
Because we keep living longer and longer, and everyone knows they can't do anything right.
The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.
I'm starting to think they're bad luck
The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.
Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
The government have extended the lockdown period for anyone that drives..
Car owner virus
The government will send a martial artist after you if you violate copyright law
IP Man
watching the US government deal with the Coronavirus is like watching the Ministry of Magic deal with Voldemort's return.
change my mind.
the government is saying if you survived covid-19 they want your plasma
aint nobody finna take my TV
If the government finds diamonds in your backyard it's theirs...
... but if they find drugs, then it's yours?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties
Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the h**... am I going to find 5 people without issues?
If Government was software how would you describe its issues?
Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff
It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother
Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.
Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.
