Got Jokes

140 got jokes and hilarious got puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about got that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Quick Jump To

Short Got Jokes
Got One Liners
Got Any Good Jokes
You Got Burned Jokes
Got Any Grapes Jokes
More Got Jokes

Funniest Got Short Jokes

Short got jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The got humour may include short jokes also.

My grandfather warned people that the titanic would sink No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
What asian stereo type do you hear the most? Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped. Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking . Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83... On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

Share These Got Jokes With Friends

Got One Liners

Which got one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with got? I can suggest the ones about and .

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great! I mean, you've got to give them credit.
I finally got someone to be my valentine! I wish I could post this in any other sub.
If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed I would have $7.20 by now
My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma I replied "piece of cake"
He got the order wrong Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?
Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm... I'm the CIEIO
I finally got an A on my essay! Only 1999 more words to go.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyónce
I got banned from laser tag today. Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of palindrome. He's now Dr.Awkward.
What's E.T. short for? Cus he's got little leg
A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar and got kicked out for being 10.
If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist black people would rob me
I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny Because he's my newt
Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo accident They put me in the ICU

Got Any Good Jokes

Here is a list of funny got any good jokes and even better got any good puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
My daughter just got me good… I said, Did you know you can always see your own nose and your brain just ignores it? She said yeah because it NOSE it's there
Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
Just got a bike for my wife. It was a good trade.
I met a girl at a club the other night who said she'd show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside... She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.
I just got the new iPhone for my wife All things considered a pretty good trade.
A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news? The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'
What has 2 wings and 1 Arrow ? A Chinese telephone
Wing
Wing
Arrow?
(posted this last year got some good feedback)
I got a puppy for my daughter... Good swap if you ask me.
I just got an iPhone 7S for my wife I thought that was a good trade

You Got Burned Jokes

Here is a list of funny you got burned jokes and even better you got burned puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Why do hipsters always burn their mouths eating pizza? They got into it before it was cool.
My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.
I got a black girlfriend now. I burned my hand on the stove.
My friend got sent to prison for pulling out 3 people from a burning building Unfortunately, it turned out they were firefighters
My girlfriend said that if i got her another useless gift she would burn it... That's why I got her a candle
Your momma is so hairy When you was born you got carpet burn.
Why did the arsonist quit starting fires? He got burned out.
What's the name of the Disney princess that got burned? Cinder-ella
My coworker got third-degree burns on his tongue. I was going to make a joke about it, but decided it would be in poor taste.
In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal

Got Any Grapes Jokes

Here is a list of funny got any grapes jokes and even better got any grapes puns that will make you laugh with friends.

What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
I just heard a dried up grape won the lottery, got a supermodel girlfriend and won a brand new car. I guess everything happens for a raisin.
Did you hear about the strawberry jam and grape jelly hooking up? They got marmalaid.
What did the Duck say? Got any grapes?
Then he waddled away (waddle waddle)
.
.
.
Accidently got some haemorrhoid cream on my fruit bowl and now my grapes have disappeared.
What did the grape do when it got ran over by a car? It let out a little wine
My friend got turned into wine recently... He was a grape friend.
I recently got some advice from a wine maker... ...he says that smashed grapes are a must.
Did the grape squeal when he got stood on? No, because grapes don't talk.

Got Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about got you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make got pranks.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless.

My b... community took me to court for not being h... enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send n**... to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending n**... to the National Enquirer."

I haven't had s**... since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

I got fired from the s**... bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have s**... with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!
The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it's starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.
Putin throws out a bottle of v**... and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Biden throws out an AR-15 and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Zelensky throws out Putin and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway and looks at Biden smugly as they c**... anyways due to the massive weight of Zelensky's b**....

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00..

Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..
Riceless

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING"

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

I called a s**... hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell c**....

I would not have to sell c**... anymore.

If I was addicted to m... and then I got addicted to s......

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.
Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.
Me: Pinocchio?
Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

My dad first talked to me about s**... when I was going to college.

He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were:

"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

I got pulled over by the police ...

He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.
Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the v**... Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. s**... that I can't tell anyone about."

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.
Or
Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?
Or
There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
What else you got? (It doesn't *have* to be water-related...)

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."

My friend Dave drowned.

At his f**... we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...

At the bar last night, a woman got her n**... pierced right in front of me

. On a related note...…………………. I s**... at darts.

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p... Trump s... in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
**

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

I got arrested for illegally downloading the whole of Wikipedia

I told them I could explain everything.

With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

An African man visits his friend in the US

I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!
You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.
Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this d**... country .

My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."

"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"

Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

As the k**... are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

I never use the term "feminazi"...

Because the n**... actually got stuff done.

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

A German got pulled over by the police in France

*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.

This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....
How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?