gorilla Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious gorilla puns

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

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"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"

Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

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On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

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A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."

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Are You a Gorilla Exhibit?

Because I want to drop a baby in you.

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A zookeeper was making his rounds one day...

When he noticed the female gorilla was very agitated. Having worked with gorillas for many years, he recognised she was in heat. The zookeeper did not wish her to become more agitated, so he began contacting other zoo's in the area asking if they had a male gorilla.

After many days with no luck, and the female gorilla getting more frustrated, he decided to try his last option. So he tracks down the janitor of the zoo and says to him "Steve, I have to ask you a big favor... I need you to have sex with the female gorilla. It's worth 2000 dollars."

The janitor agrees so long as three conditions are met.

"Condition the first..." says the janitor "is that no one cam ever know."

"Second... I don't have to kiss her."

"Finally... I'll need some time to get the 2000 dollars."

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"

The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

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Goriilla in heat

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.

The zookeeper approaches a janitor with a proposition. "Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?" he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: "First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this." The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

"Well," says the janitor, "I'm gonna need about a week to come up with the $500."

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Gorilla in my tree!

A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree. He calls animal control, they say the gorilla is from the zoo and they will send an expert over right away.

The expert shows up in a van, opens up the van and removes a coil of rope, a net, a pointy stick, a pet carrier with a dog in it, and a shotgun. The homeowner looks at these tools and says "How is this going to work?"

The expert says "I'm going to use the rope to climb up the tree. I poke the gorilla with the stick, the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog run over and hold the gorilla by biting him on the balls, then you throw the net over the gorilla until I can get down and put him in the van."

The guy says "OK, but what's the shotgun for?"

The expert says "If the gorilla knocks *me* out of the tree, *you shoot that fucking dog!*"

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I heard the kid who fell into the gorilla pit was actually trying to get the jewelry his mother dropped.

He didn't get the gold but he got the silver back.

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A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in intercourse, but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have sex.

Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have sex with this gorilla?"

The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."

"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"

The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."

"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"

Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"

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What's worse than beating a dead horse?

Shooting a live gorilla

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Married couple

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no"one" is looking, I'll expose 1of my breasts to it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'


Mary then exposes 1 of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'
Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.
Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'

Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ...

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The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."

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So there's a child and a gorilla...

...well, there ***was*** a gorilla.

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Are Gorillas stupid?

Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar

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For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

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What do you get when you mix human DNA and Gorilla DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

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Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500.
The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

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Gorilla

A young girl hit puberty and her body started to change. One day she noticed she was getting hair down there. She went to her mom confused and the mom explained that's your gorilla and it's getting hair. Very excited the young girl went to her older sister and exclaimed my gorilla is getting hair! . The older sister looked at her and said that's nothing, my gorilla is already eating bananas.

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Gorilla Encounter

Two gay guys are at the Zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?" he shouts. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

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3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2


2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3


3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

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A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back

A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back. Recently, she went into heat, so the zookeeper called all his friends at different zoos to find a male gorilla to deal with the issue.
He called and called, but the budget his board had given him was only $10,000, and nobody could afford to ship their gorilla for only ten grand. Meanwhile, this gorilla is getting dangerously horny.
The zookeeper is working late after a few nights of this, and after a failed call with his friend in Tokyo, he steps outside and sees the Boris the janitor sweeping up around the gorilla enclosure.
Zookeeper says, "Marvin, look, would you ever be interested in fucking this gorilla for $10,000?"
Boris looks at him and thinks for a minute, then says he will, but he's got a few ground rules. "1. I will not kiss her. 2. Nobody must ever find out about this. And 3. I'm gonna need a few days to get that $10,000 together."

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I was telling my friend a joke. "There was this gorilla...

..."

"I fucking swear, if this is another Harambe joke, I..."

"Well, thanks for killing it."

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So this guy walks into a bar...

...and he see this massive gorilla just sitting behind the counter. So after a few drinks he ask the bartender "Hey man, what's up with that gorilla?"

The bartender says "Oh that gorilla? Check this out," then grabs a baseball bat and WHACKS the gorilla over the back of the head. The gorilla then bends down and starts sucking the bartenders cock. The bartender looks at the guy and goes "Pretty awesome, right? You wanna have a try?"

The guys responds "Sure! Just don't hit me so hard."

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What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear ?

Whatever you want, he can't hear you..

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Larry comes home to find a gorilla on his roof.

After calling several animal control numbers in the phone book, he finally calls a man who thinks he can handle this gorilla.
The man arrives at the house in a white pickup truck with his dog in the passenger seat and a rifle in the back.
He hands the rifle to Larry and says "So here's what we're gonna do: I'm going to climb up onto your roof and scare the gorilla off. Once he hits the ground, I've trained my dog to go bite his nuts and shake them until the gorilla passes out. After that I'll load him up and go release him in the hills."
Larry thinks about it and decides the plan isn't half bad and may actually work.
"But why'd you give me the rifle?"
"If I fall off the roof, shoot the dog."

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A guy wakes up one morning and sees a gorilla in the tree outside his second-story bedroom window.

He panics and calls the first wild animal control company in the phone book, a discount one as it turns out. An old man shows up at his door a few minutes later holding a crate. He steps inside the house and unloads a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, an collapsible 10-foot pole and a small angry Chihuahua.

He leans in and begins- Son, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to climb that old tree back yonder and poke that there gorilla till he loses his grip and falls to the ground. When he does, this here dog is trained to immediately latch onto his balls something fierce and won't let go. When the beast goes to defend himself, you put those handcuffs on him. Easy as pie, son. You got all that?

The homeowner glances around. Well, what's the shotgun for then?

If by chance the gorilla knocks me out of tree first, for fucks sake son, shoot the dog.


(edit for the mistakes)

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WALKS INTO A BAR... FRUGAL GORILLA

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either.

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Zoo

Two policeman on patrol see a man walking with a Gorilla. Of course, they stop to inquire. They ask, "So Buddy, what's up with the Gorilla?" The man replies, "I'm taking to the Zoo." Cops say "OK" be on your way. A day later the cops see the same man and gorilla....They stop. "Sir" the officer directs. "We saw you yesterday and thought you were taking him to the Zoo?" "I did", the man replies, "But today, I'm taking him to the movies."

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Lady teasing Gorilla at the Zoo...

A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making extremely loud noises. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.

She does and the Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him, says the husband. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.

Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

Now tell HIM you have a headache.

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Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.

He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*

The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*

*"Sure"*

So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.

The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a blow job.

*"Wow!"*, says the guy.

The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*

The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*

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A lion is taking a drink from a jungle stream.

A gorilla sees the lion bent over, and runs up and grabs him, then screws the lion up the wazoo. When the gorilla lets go, he takes off running, with the lion roaring and right on his heels. After a few minutes, the gorilla has been able to build up a bit of a lead, but he knows that although the lion can't see him, he is still being chased.

The gorilla spots a typical British camp in a clearing, and ducks into one of the tents. He puts on a khaki shirt, pants, and hat. He exits the tent and sits down in a chair, opening the newspaper and pretending to read it.

The lion comes charging through the camp and yells out, "Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla replies loudly, "You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"

Turning in the direction of the voice, the lion exclaims, "Oh my God - it's in the paper already?!?!"

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A Muslim Woman wanted to fuck a gorilla. Her husband objected and said...

"That's Haram, bae."

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Gorilla Language

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "fuck you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.

The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

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Are you a gorilla exhibit?

Cause I wanna drop a baby in you

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I've been a lurker for a while now and haven't heard this one told before.

So a college student needs a part time job, so he goes looking in the newspaper. It can't be just any job, it needs to be unique and fun.

After a good 15 min scouring the classified ad's he comes upon an ad that says "HELP NEEDED, PART TIME GORILLA CATCHER". He's instantly sold and calls the man up.

The man over the phone says that it's not steady work but the student has the job.

A couple weeks goes by and the students phone rings. His now boss says to meet him at a particular address in 20 min, A gorilla escaped form the zoo and that we're gonna catch it.

The student shows up at the spot and his boss is waiting by his pickup truck. he also notices a 300 pound gorilla in a tree. The boss lowers the tail on his truck and motions for the student to come closer. Inside the truck is a mean looking pit bull, a baseball bat, and a shotgun.

"ok heres how its going to go down, Im going to climb the tree and knock the gorilla down to the ground, at which point the dog is trained to bit him in the balls. Then you come up and hit the gorilla with the bat."

The boy thinks he understands then asks " Well, whats the shotgun for?" The boss says "in case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, YOU SHOOT THAT FUCKING DOG"


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Your mama is so ugly

She fell into a gorilla exhibit and got shot.

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gorilla removal service

so women wakes up and walks out side to get her news paper (this is an old joke obviously) and she looks up in her tree and there is a gorilla, she freaks out runs inside and starts to think of what to do, so she picks up her phone book (really old joke) and starts going through the pages and sure enough in pest removal there is gorilla removal service. she calls the man tells her every

man: "i can handle this i'll be there in about 30 minutes"

she waits and then after awhile he shows up, he steps out the truck and he is a monster of a man, tall, broad, and hands like catchers mitts. he looks at the gorilla then begins to unpack his truck, he pulls out a cattle prod, a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, and a chihuahua. the woman cant keep quiet anymore and asks

woman:"sir how do you plan to use this stuff to get the gorilla out of my tree?"

the man replies: "well see i'm going to climb up the tree with the cattle prod and shock the gorilla, its going to fall out the tree and this dog here is specially trained to go for the balls, when it does this the gorilla is going to cover itself and i'm just going to handcuff it and through it in my truck."

the woman nods: "well i can see that but what do you need the shotgun for?"

man: "if i fall out of that tree first you shoot that damn dog!"

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A man takes his friend gorilla hunting...

He says :
"All you need is a trained dog, a net and a shotgun. I'll climb the tree where the gorilla is sitting and I will shake the branches as hard as I can ! As soon as the gorilla falls on the ground, the dog will bite and rip off his genitals. When it's done, you will be able to put the net on the gorilla and capture him !"

His friend asks :
" Yeah, that sounds nice, but what do we need a shotgun for then ?"

The hunter replies :
"If I fall from the tree...kill the dog."

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A man wakes up from a five year coma...

Doctor: Sir you've been out for a long time and I'm afraid I have some terrible news.

Patient: Oh I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo

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Why do gorillas have big noses?

Because they have big fingers.

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Guy walks into a bar and there's a gorilla sitting in the corner.

Guy says to the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"

Bartender says, "I'll show ya." .

The bartender walks over with a baseball bat and smashes the gorilla right in the nose. The gorilla gets on his knees and gives the bartender a blow job.

Bartender says, "What do ya think?"

Guy says, "That's great."

Bartender asks, "You wanna try?"

Guy says, "Sure, but don't hit me so hard."

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One day the male gorilla at a zoo's enclosure dies...

...The female is about to go into mating season so they are desperately searching for a replacement for the male gorilla. So, after trying all of the neighboring zoos they see the Greek janitor raking leaves with his hairy back for all to see. They approach him and ask,

"Will you sleep with the female gorilla for $500?"

He replies,

"I'll need to think about it overnight"

The next day he comes in and walks up and says,

"OK, I'll do it under one condition."

"Anything," they reply.

"Ok, you are going to have to give me a week to come up with the $500."

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Costume Party

A few years back I threw a costume party at my house. It was really fun to see all my friends dressed up silly. There was a cowboy, a gorilla, a nurse, a bum, you know, all the standard outfits one would expect. Everyone was having a great time when the doorbell rang, I went to the door and opened it. Standing there on my doorstep I found two naked men. One was holding a bowl of custard with the tip of his wiener submerged into it. The other had his erect member piercing a hollowed out pear. Trying to keep my composure, I asked them "Can I help you?"

"We're here for the costume party" they replied.

"Um, o k... What may I ask are you dressed as?" I said.

"Well, I'm fucking disgusted and he's deep in despair."

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The prostitute and the gorilla

A prostitute is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the prostitute's skirt and starts performing oral sex on her.

The gorilla finishes, stands up, and starts walking away. The prostitute says: "Hey! Where are you going? You need to pay me!"

The gorilla just stands there looking confused.

She pulls out her phone and Googles "prostitute" and shows him.

>a person, typically a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.

He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.

>a powerfully built great ape with a large head and short neck, found in the forests of central Africa. It is the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.

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A man awakens to find a gorilla in his tree...

So he looks in the phone book and finds the Gorilla Removal Service.

After waiting some time, a van pulls up. The removal technician climbs out carrying a stick, a shotgun and a Chihuahua.

He tells his client, "Okay how this works is I climb into the tree with the gorilla, poke him with this stick and when he jumps down the Chihuahua is trained to grab him by the penis and carry him into my truck."

The man immediately responds, "Okay, so what is the shotgun for?"

Tech, "Shoot the Chihuahua if I fall from the tree before the gorilla."

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so this guy walks to work everyday

and for years he walks past this pet store.
when he first got the job there was a baby gorilla in the window
now after years of walking by there's a full grown gorilla in the window of this pet shop.
the guy feels bad one day and he decides he to buy it.
he comes home and his wife is like "WTF! WHERE'S IT GONNA EAT?!"
the guy says "at the table, with us."
"WHERE'S IT GONNA SLEEP?"
"in the bed, with us."
"WHAT ABOUT THE SMELL??"
the guy pauses and says "I got used to it i suppose it will too"

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

They have big fingers!

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What's the difference between a gorilla and your mother ?

A gorilla is ground-dwelling, predominantly herbivorous ape that inhabits the forests of central Africa, & your mother is a nice lady.



... Also I did not have sex with a gorilla.

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What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla?

People actually care if a gorilla dies.

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Roses are red, I'm feeling blue

There's one less gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo

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So apparently a gorilla got shot at the zoo for grabbing a kid that had wandered into its enclosure..

And social media went apeshit.

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A boy and a gorilla walk into a bar...

The boy says "first shot's on me"

The gorilla replies "nah, I got this"

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A man brings his gorilla to a bar

And the bartender says to him, "Hey man, you need to get that gorilla out of here. We don't serve animals."

The man replies, saying "No, this isn't your average gorilla. Watch."

The bartender goes "Ehh.. well.. okay. But make it quick."

So the man orders two beers, and gives one to the gorilla.

Then, out of nowhere, slaps the gorilla and the gorilla goes ape shit, pulls the man's pants down, and starts sucking his dick.

The bartender says "Holy shit dude, that's a pretty cool gorilla."

The man then says "Yeah, right? Wanna try?"

And the bartender says "Yeah just don't slap me as hard as you slapped that gorilla."

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This guy goes to the zoo one day...

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you! " in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.

Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.

The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.

The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

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What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson?

One of them got shot for touching a kid.

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A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla

who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.

 

The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500? he asks.

 

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this. The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

 

Well, says the janitor, I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.

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My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam

My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam.

I told her, "Yeah, it's haram, bae."

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Best pickup line ever

Girl are you a gorilla exhibit because I'm about to drop a baby in you?

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Three spinsters went on safari...

and they came upon a huge gorilla. The gorilla grabs one of the women and runs off into the jungle. The other two patiently track the gorilla for three days, until they come to his lair. Ethel, the victim, is horribly bruised and scratched, without a stitch of clothing. Wilma and Blanche quickly cover her with a blanket and make their way to a hospital.
After a week, Ethel is still crying and carrying on. Wilma says "Ethel, you've just *got* to pull yourself together! It's not healthy!"
"What can I say" sobbed Ethel. "He never calls, he never writes!"

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Irishman and a gorilla

Irishman got a job at the zoo, after two weeks there one of the keepers said to him "Would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?" He said "On three conditions; I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or family to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

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A man calls Animal Control to get a crazed gorilla off his roof.

A van pulls up and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"OK, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man, "but what's the gun for?"

"If I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."

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Terms & Conditions

The zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo vet found the female gorilla was on heat and there was no male of the species.

The zoo management discovered that one of their staff
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the zoo approached him with a proposition, Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for Rs. 50,000?


He showed some interest but said he would have to think.

The next day he announced that he would accept their offer,
but under three conditions:

1. You won't make a video recording,

2. You must never tell anyone about this.

3. I will need at least one week to arrange the money

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A man, a zoo and a horny gorilla

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500? He asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this. The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

Well, says the janitor, I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.

Credit to /u/Bic_Parker for the joke.

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Hey girl, are you a gorilla enclosure..

Because I wanna drop a baby in you

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What's black, grey, and red all over?

A gorilla with a child in the enclosure.

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A fun joke to tell your friends.

This joke is pretty fun to tell, but you need a friend to make it work.

You: A class went on a field trip to the zoo. The teacher stopped by the gorilla cage and said "Can anyone tell me what animal this is?" the retarded kid raised his hand and said "It's a gorilla." Everyone said "Yay for the little retarded kid!" They continue and the teacher stops by the flamingos and asks the same question. The retarded kid raised his hand and said "They're flamingos!" everyone said "Yay for the little retarded kid!" They stopped at another pen with white and striped horses in it. They're white, and they have black stripes... I can't remember what they are. (Act like you really don't know)

Your friend: Zebra.

You: *claps* Yay for the little retarded kid!

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Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

Not mine. Told to me by my late grandfather, funniest pastor ever. :)

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Who didn't allow the gorilla into the ballet?

The people in charge of that decision.

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Hey girl

Are you the new gorilla exhibit? Because I want to throw a baby in you.

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My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess.

So I gave her to a gorilla for him to throw barrels at me.

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A gorilla walks into a bar...

And several people get up to leave seeing the possible danger of the situation.

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Whats the difference between a gorilla and a guillotine?

No one gets their dick out for a guillotine

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fake gorilla joke

a nearly broke zoo had trouble maintaining and caring for the gorillas, so they had to sell them to a different zoo.

to keep the exhibit open, they dressed up a staff member in a gorilla suit.

for the next week, the fake gorilla was placed in the cage and paid to act real, and he loved it!

everyone loved him, thinking he was a real gorilla, but one day he went too far, climbed up the side of his enclosure (electric fence didn't hurt him through the suit) and accidentally fell into the lion pit!

"help me!" "I'm gonna die!" the fake gorilla screamed.

the lion roared, ran over to the gorilla, and growled in his face:

"shut up or we'll both get fired!"

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I just got a new doorbell that when the button is pressed has a gorilla singing about table tennis.

It's called The King Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong

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A guy and his wife are at the zoo

They walk up to the cage with a Gorilla. No one was around so the guy says to this wife, "hey babe, take your top off". Hesitantly his wife looked around and proceeded to life her top. The more she lifted it, the more wild the gorilla became.

The husband then says, "ok, take off your shorts". The wife playfully protests but goes along with it. She begins to remove her shorts and panties as the onlooking gorilla was going absolutely ballistic in a lust filled rage.

Suddenly the husband grabs his wife and tosses he into the cage with the gorilla. "Now tell him, 'not now' you have a headache!"

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Harambe the gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

The bartender says, "I don't serve gorillas here."

Harambe says, "you better or I'm gonna do something terrible."

The bartenders say, "oh yeah! Like what?"

Harambe points to a women slumped against the bar and says, "I'm gonna go over there and eat that woman!"

The bartender say, "no you're not!"

So Harambe goes over to the woman, grabs her by the ankles, lifts her up and and proceeds to gobble her up. He wipes his mouth looks at the bartender and asks, "what are you gonna do now?"

The bartender look him in the face and says, "I'm gonna watch you pass out."

Harambe asks, "how's that gonna happen?"

"Cause that's a barbiturate!" Says the bartender.

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What do you get when you cross an Italian with a gorilla?

A retarded gorilla.

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A gorilla walks into a bar

and orders a banana martini, the bartender thinks this is peculiar and realizes he's in a dream. He wakes up and hurriedly tells his wife the dream to which she tells him to shut the fuck up. The man then turns around and sobs, remembering his marriage is in shambles

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2016 started with the death of a gorilla

...and is ending with the death of a Guerilla

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What do you get when you convince a gorilla to have sex with a pig?

Fired from the zoo, apparently.

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The Pink Gorilla

An married couple are out driving home through the country one night when their car breaks down. There was a farm house nearby, so they decided to see if they could find some help. While the husband was talking to the farmer, the wife asked if she could use the man's restroom. The farmer said "Sure thing. Up the stairs, third door on the right. But whatever you do, do NOT touch the big pink gorilla through the door at the end of the hall."

The woman agreed that she wouldn't touch the gorilla and headed up the stairs. After she had finished her business, she started towards the stairs, but her curiosity got the best of her. She quietly went through the door at the end of the hall and found herself face to face with an enormous pink gorilla in a cage, fast asleep. She figured it couldn't hurt to poke him just once, so she slowly reached into the cage and touched his shoulder. Immediately, the gorilla's eyes snapped open, he ripped the door off of his cage, and began to chase the woman. She ran down the stairs, past her husband and the farmer, and out the front door. As she ran through the field outside, she stumbled and fell, and the gorilla closed in. He loomed over her and she watched, horrified, as he reached an enormous hand towards her and said

"Tag, you're it!"

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Tribal leader selection

The leader of a tribe is soon stepping down and hence holds a selection for a new leader. He decreed,

"Whoever manages to finish this 10 barrels of strong whisky, extract the sore tooth of this raging gorilla and fuck my daughter until she can take it no more will be the new leader of the tribe!"

One man stepped forward.

He finished all 10 barrels without spilling a drop, wiped his mouth on his sleeve and entered the tent where the raging gorilla was kept. The gorilla could be heared roaring ferociously and pounding the ground furiously for hours. Finally the tent stopped shaking and the man walked out.

"Now, where is this girl with the sore tooth?"

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A gorilla walks into a bar

and says "I'd like a toddler on the rocks, please"

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What do you call an army of gorilla soldiers?

Boko Harambe.

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Why do Gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers

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Roses are red, Violets are blue

Gorilla shot at Cincinnati zoo

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I offered my Muslim girlfriend a bite of my gorilla sandwich but she shook her head and said...

"That's haram, bae."

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An 800 pound gorilla walks into a bar...

he sits down and the bartender looks at him nervously and says, "What'll it be?"

The gorilla says, "I'll have a Manhattan."

The bartender makes him a Manhattan, hands it to him, says "That'll be 14 bucks," and watches him take a drink. He stares nervously for a minute then says to the gorilla, "Sorry to stare, but you know...it's just not something you see every day."

The gorilla takes another drink and replies, "I agree. $14 is a bit much for a Manhattan."

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Why do gorillas have such large nostrils?

Big fingers

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

... Because they got big fingers.

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At The Zoo

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?"

The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."

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Tarzan of the apes

.. was fighting a lion in Africa. He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his dick. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed.


They gave him an eye of an eagle, an arm of a gorilla, and an elephant's trunk for a dick.


Two weeks later a chimp stopped by and asked Tarzan how his new parts were.


Tarzan said "Eye make Tarzan see far, Arm make Tarzan strong, but Tarzan no like new Wee-wee".


The chimp asked "Why not?".


Tarzan replied "It keeps picking weeds and shoving up Tarzans ass".

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Did you hear the joke about the gorilla?

Apparently, it's not for kids.

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Pick up line: Girl, do you run a Gorilla exhibit at the zoo?

Because I want to drop a baby in you.

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What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?

You-Rang-a-Tang?

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I saw a gorilla on a tyre swing at the zoo the other day...

I thought, wow that looks fun, I'll buy one for the kids! But it makes the tree in my garden look scruffy and it keeps chucking shit at the neighbours.

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

cause they have big fingers

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Can we PLEASE...

stop beating a dead gorilla.

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A man and wife are having a stroll in the zoo

A husband and wife having a stroll in the zoo. Gorilla starts to get a hard on as he sees the wife. Husband says,"Lift your skirt and tease him." Ape goes mental. " Now get your tits out !" Ape goes berserk ! Husband opens the cage and throws his wife in. "Now try telling him you've got a fucken headache!"

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What do you call a fight between a human and a gorilla?

A harumble.

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Paddy Irishman goes to the Zoo

Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500?". Paddy replies, " Ok, I will on 3 conditions:

1st, I'm not going to kiss it.

2nd, my family must never know.

3rd, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"

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A Gorilla walks into a pub

And asks the barman for a pint of bitter. The barman pulls him a pint, and says, "That'll be £6.50 please".

The gorilla takes a sip of his pint, and the barman says to him "You know, we don't get that many gorillas in here..."

The gorilla gulps down his beer, and informs the batman, "Well I'm not surprised at those prices..."

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Tree Gorilla [NSFW]

One morning a man walks out on the back porch to have his morning coffee and looks up to see a gorilla in the tree in his back yard. He runs inside and calls animal control. A short time later the animal control truck shows up and the officer climbs out along with a half blind pit bull. The guy tells him where the gorilla is and the officer assesses the situation then goes out and returns from the truck with a pair of handcuffs and a pistol. Handing these to the guy, he explains that he will climb in the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on until he falls out of the tree, then the dog will immediately grab the gorilla by the testicles, at which time the home owner should quickly handcuff the gorilla. The home owner then asks, "But then, what's the gun for?" The animal control officer replies, "If I fall out of the tree first, you shoot that fucking dog."

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So there's a child and a gorilla...

Well there WAS a gorilla.

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What do you call an albino gorilla?

Honkey Kong

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they got big fingers.

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We didn't elect Harambe for president

But we still got a gorilla in office

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Why do Gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.


My FAVORITE clean joke, by far.

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A priest....

A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?"

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Hey girl, are you a gorilla exhibit?

Cuz I wanna drop a kid into you.

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A man walks into a bar...

As he steps in the tender noticed a big gorilla on his shoulder. Clearly taken aback he asks, Whoa man! Where'd you get that thing? To which the ape says, oh I just brought him in from outside for a drink.

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A gorilla walks into a bar.

He's not the smartest gorilla, but ignorance is bliss at the zoo.

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Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?

Under the gorilla.

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What's the difference between a dead baby and a dead gorilla?

There aren't any dead babies at the Cincinnati Zoo.

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What do you call a North Korean Gorilla?

King Kong Un


(From my younger brother).

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My girlfriend might be a gorilla...

Everyone is always taking their dicks out for her.

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My chemistry teacher told me to write 1000 words on acid

I tried, but my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

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Gorillas see us how we see aliens, skinnier, smarter, less hair

Or you might call them Asians

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The Cincinnati zoo is putting in a new shooting range for it's employees.

Ooh, sorry I misread that. They are just getting a new gorilla.

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Lurker for a while, encouraged by another first time post involving a gorilla...

Two gorillas are sitting in their habitat after hours. Bored as hell, one gorilla looks at the other and says, "Hey, I bet you a week's worth of bananas that I can go into the lion's cage, sodomize him, and then get away unharmed." The other gorilla says, "You're on! Even if you get caught, it's going to be well worth the watch." The first gorilla rips open the door, climbs into the lion's den, and gives him the business. The lion wakes up and chases the gorilla as fast as he can for an animal that had just been raped. The gorilla and lion tear through the zoo, the lion slowly gaining on the tiring gorilla. The gorilla ducks behind the guard's shack, climbs in a window, puts on a hat and pretends to read the newspaper. The lion busts in the door and asks, "Hey Security Guy, have you seen a gorilla come through here?" The gorilla stifles a laugh and replies, "You mean the one that fucked the lion in the ass?" The lion, mortified, replied, "Shit. It's in the papers already?"

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Whats worse then beating a dead horse?

Shooting a gorilla

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What do you call a kid who falls into a gorilla enclosure?

Zoolander

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Who Told The Gorilla That He Couldn't Go To The Ballet?

The Zoo worker at Cincinnati Zoo.

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It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes

Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.

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A Muslim Couple decided to spend their day at the zoo.

They stopped at the Gorilla enclosure.

The Girlfriend then said, "The baby gorilla is soooo cute, I want to kiss it"

The Boyfriend then said. "No! That is Haram bae!!"

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A gorilla dies of old age at the zoo.

His name wasn't Harambe.

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Well, look on the bright side...

At least they won't be talking about that gorilla anymore.

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Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Coz' they got big fingers!

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How do you make gorilla stew?

You keep it waiting

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What did the muslim guy say to his girlfriend when she was about to eat gorilla meat?

"That's haram, bae."

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A Gorilla Walks Into a Bar

the bartender looks at him and can't believe what he's seeing so he goes up to it.

The bartender says:

Can I help you?

G: yeah I'll have a martini please and thanks!

So the bartender makes the gorilla his martini.
He gives the gorilla the martini and in exchange the gorilla gives him $20.

The bartender thinks to himself, he can't be that smart he's a gorilla! So he hands the gorilla a dollar in change.

B: you know we don't get gorillas in here that often
G: for 19 bucks a drink I'm not surprised .

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What did the straight male gorilla say after he fucked a human male to death?

No homo

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Don't let the Australians' defeat in the Emu War distract you from the fact that...

the Americans lost to Gorilla Warfare.

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A muslim and his wife are chatting during dinner

Wife: Did you hear about the gorilla that got shot in the zoo?
Husband: Wait what are you eating?
Wife: Pork
Husband: Thats haram bae.
Wife: Oh so you did hear about it

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Please help me find the joke that goes with this punchline

So, for the longest time I thought I made this up, until one day someone else told me they too forgot a joke with the same punchline.

I wouldn't even have believed it except he said the ending before I told him what it was.

The ending of the joke is something just like:

> The next day the headline read "Man killed by flying green gorilla dick"

What's the rest of it?

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Gorilla Problem

A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls. The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. You know how to use this? he asked. I do, she said, but what's it for? The warden replied, Well ….. sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing. Shoot the gorilla? No, he answered, the dog.

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Muslim officials denounce gorilla warfare

Calling it "absolutely harambe"

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Hey baby, if I were a gorilla exhibit

I'd let you drop a kid in me.

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An 800 pound gorilla walks into a bar...

...the bartender, weary of the gorilla, says "what'll it be?"

The gorilla says, "I'll have a Manhattan."

So the bartender serves him up and says, "That'll be $14," and goes back to wiping glasses.

A minute or two later, after thinking about it, the bartender then says to the gorilla, "You know, I gotta say, its kind of odd...I mean, this is not something you see everyday."

The gorilla takes a sip of his drink and says, "I agree, $14 is a bit much for a Manhatten."

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What does the Cincinnati gorilla story tell us?

It's the first time that black-on-black crime made national (even international) news.

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Where do gorillas work out?

The jungle gym

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What does a gorilla brush his teeth with?

A toothbrush.

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Did you know that gorillas prefer doggy style?

It makes my job as an ape sperm collector a real pain in the ass.

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Do you know why gorillas have such big nostrils?

Have you seen their fingers?

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Harambe memes have lost their popularity since the election...

People's attention moved away from the death of a gorilla to the election of an orangutan!

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Did you guys hear about the new porno about the Gorilla?

It's called Harambe's Out for Dicks

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A Gorilla walks into a bar....

He takes a shot. His name is Harambe.

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What are the best Gorilla puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Gorilla? Well, here are the best jokes about Gorilla to have fun with.

Joko Jokes