Good Plane Jokes

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

There's this blonde.
She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.
The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class.
please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened.
so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on.
He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane.
They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else.
I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

A frustrated woman on an airplane. (Sexism)

A woman had just gotten onto an airplane after a very rough day. She had been fired, her boyfriend had dumped her, and now she had to sit on this irritating airplane just to get home. A quarter of the way through the flight and she's had enough. She stands up, holds her hands up in the air and exclaims loudly to the whole plane that she just wants to feel like a woman. "I just wanna feel like a woman!" A man in the seat in front of her stands up. He is tall and good looking. He starts unbuttoning his shirt and she can see that he is very strong. He finished unbuttoning his shirt, and hands it to her.
"Iron this."

Crossword Puzzle Pope

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him.
I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.
The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.
The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything, your Eminence ... What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

A plane crashes and everyone dies

And they all go to heaven. But almost everyone on this plane was either fat as can be or ugly as sin and they all had been bullied their entire lives due to this.
So god lines everyone up and says "You've all been good people but were treated terribly during life, so I will grant you one wish before you enter heaven."
The first guy thinks for a second and says "I wish I could spend eternity as a good looking man." and so god changes him into a good looking man and the guy happily goes through the pearly gates.
The second guy sees this and says "I wish to spend eternity as a good looking man!" and god obliges, but he starts to hear a faint giggle at the end of the line.
Each person in line wishes for the same thing: to be good looking. And after each wish the laughter gets louder and louder. So finally god gets to the end of the line to the laughing man and says "And what exactly is so funny?" and the guy says "I wish they were all ugly again!"

A doctor a lawyer a priest, and a young boy are on a plane when the hits turbulence and is about to c**......

There are three parachutes between the four of them. The doctor says "Well I'm a doctor and I specialize in medicine and saving lives so I think I should live", the others agree and the doctor takes the first parachute and jumps out. The lawyer says "Well I'm a really smart man basically a genius so I think I should live too", so he grabs the second parachute and jumps out. Now its the last parachute between the priest and the little boy. The priest looks at the boy and says "You know what my child take the parachute, the good lord has blessed me my whole life and you still have your life ahead of you so save yourself and take the last parachute". The little boy says "No it's all right", the priest asks "Why?" and the boy replies "Because the genius just jumped out with my back pack".

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.

All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:
Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"
Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!"
The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight.
Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
Italian: "Once"
Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?"
Italian: "Don't stop"

r**... son Jedidiah returns from college for the summer

He hops on a plane and arrives at the airport where his dad is waiting on him.
Daddy: Hey, Jed! Good to have ya back in town.
Jedidiah: Glad to be back, daddy.
Daddy: So tell me. What did ya learn there at college?
Jed racks his brain and decides on his memory.
Jedidiah: Pi r^2
Daddy: What are they teaching you in college? Pie are round!

Worlds Smartest Man, Worlds Strongest Man, a Preacher and a Boyscout

...are all on a plane and it's about to c**....
Problem is there is only 3 parachutes.
So...
The worlds smartest man grabs a parachute and says, "I'm the worlds smartest man, I can solve many problems and find solutions for the future of humanity". He jumps out the plane.
The worlds strongest man grabs a parachute and says, "I'm the worlds strongest man, I am a role model to many, and I can save many lives by just aspiring people by my physique". He jumps out the plane
With one parachute remaining, the preacher looks at the boy scout and says, "I've led a very good life my son, take the last parachute, God will take care of me"
The boy scout looks at the preacher and says, "We both can jump! The worlds smartest man grabbed my backpack!"

May I have a piece of gum?

Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have s**.... Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have s**... right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."

My flight was being served

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-p**..., so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,
Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, b**...!'

It was my first time riding a plane...

I was so nervous, and it was showing I was very uncomfortable...
A good-looking stewardess, approached me and asked if I was feeling okay, and If I needed anything. I said no, I was fine, it was my first time riding a plane and was just nervous. She smiled and said, "Ah perhaps you should listen to some music", then she walked away.
So I took out my phone, and played A7x in full blast, which disturbed everyone around me, as I did not have any earphones. Again the flight attendant approached me and asked,
"Would you like some headphones?"
I looked up to her at amazement and shock and said,
"yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
(end)
ba-dum-tiss
I'll see myself out

Flight Attendant on the Airplane

The other day I was on a red eye flight from Logan Airport in Boston to SeaTac in Seattle. The pilot got on the intercom and did his courtesy remarks: "welcome aboard, our flight will be 5 and a 1/2 hours... please relax and enjoy the rest of your flight."
After making the announcement he proceeds to talk to the co-pilot without turning off the intercom: "man, I sure could use a cup of coffee and a good lay right now."
The stewardess comes running up from the back of the plane to tell the pilot that the intercom is still on when the guy sitting behind me yells: "hey hun! Don't forget the coffee!"

A man boards a plane home after a business trip...

... and he sits next to a gorgeous blonde woman. He notices that she's reading a book called "100 Facts About s**... You Never Knew" and asks her if it's any good. She says, "Yea it's really interesting. Did you know that statistically, Native American men have the thickest p**... of any race?"
"Oh wow that's fascinating I never knew that" he says. She continues with, "Yea and did you know that statistically Polish men have the **longest** p**... of any race?"
"No I didn't know that. What's your name?" He asks.
"I'm Sandy. What's yours?" She responds.
"My name's Tanto Kowalski"

There's been a plane c**...

The police show up at one of the victims doors;
Wife: Hello, do you have any news on my husband?
Police: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid we have some good news and some bad news concerning your husband.
Wife: Well tell me the good news first, I need something to raise my spirits.
Police: Well ma'am, the good news is, despite your husband being burned to a cinder, we were able to identify your husband by his dental records.
Wife: Sweet merciful! Well what on earth is the bad news?
Police: He's got a pretty n**... cavity in his upper molar.

Trump asks a man to give an example of a tragedy

The man: Well, my cousin passed away, that was a tragedy.
Trump: No believe me that was a loss, not a tragedy.
The man: Okay well my sister tripped and sprained her ankle, that was a tragedy.
Trump: Hmm, no that was an accident.
For the third time, the man says: Okay let's say you were flying in a plane and it was shot down, that would be a tragedy.
Trump: Good! Now why is that a tragedy? .
Well, Mr. Trump, it was certainly no loss and I am sure it was not an accident!

George Bush, pope, and little school boy

Are on a plane travelling at heights. Suddenly the captain announces
"Too much weight, we need to lose some"
Unfortunately there is only one parachute.
Then Bush announces
"I am the most brilliant man in the United States, I must survive."
Therefore he c**... a c**... and jumps
But that is not enough, soon the captain announces again
"Too much weight"
The pope turns to the school boy and says
"You stay here, I am willing to sacrifice myself, after all, I have pretty good connections to heaven"
The school boy answers
"It's okay, you can take the c**.... The most brilliant man of the United States took my school bag"