Good Neighbor Jokes
58 good neighbor jokes and hilarious good neighbor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about good neighbor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Good Neighbor Short Jokes
Short good neighbor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The good neighbor humour may include short bad neighbor jokes also.
- My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted... "For goodness sake, keep it down!"
- I ran over my neighbor's cat the ither day.. And I felt really bad about it so I told her that I will replace her cat. She said "that's all well and good but how are you at catching mice?"
- My neighbor and I are good friends so we decided to share our water supply. We got a long well.
- What does a wife and a tin roof have in common? You better nail both of 'em good or they'll end up at the neighbor's house.
- Free to Good Home: Small terrier, cute and cuddly but barks constantly. If interested, I'll hop the neighbor's fence and get him for you.
- At first I was upset when a drug dealer moved in next door, but now.. Let's just say he puts the "GHB" in "good neiGHBor"
- I've been bored lately so I decided to take up fencing. My neighbors said they will call the cops if I don't put it back. My monk also said it's good for my Karma for reposting.
- A favor for a neighbor is a good deed. A favor for a favor is quid pro quo.
A favor for SpongeBob's neighbor is squid pro quo. - Kelly and Ron Kelly: A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays two days, and comes back on Friday. How is this possible?
Ron: The horse's name is Friday, right?
Kelly: Correct, my good neigh-bor - Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there... ...and they called the cops when your wedding reception ran past 10:01 PM.
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Good Neighbor One Liners
Which good neighbor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with good neighbor? I can suggest the ones about neighbour and door neighbor.
- A horse moved next door to me yesterday. I heard that they make good neighbors.
- My neighbors listen to good music every night. Whether they want to hear it or not.
- Did you know fences make good neighbors And bad neighbors make good fertilizer.
- I thought my neighbors were good people But then they got a wifi password
- Like a good neighbor . . . . . . stay over there!
- Like a good neighbor, StateFarm is...
- The s**... was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Good Neighbor Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about good neighbor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean neighborhood watch jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make good neighbor pranks.
Peter approaches the gates of Heaven.
"Knock knock," says Peter.
Miraculously, someone answers him.
"Who's there," a voice in the distance asked.
"God," says Peter.
"God who," asked the voice?
"GOD d**... open these gates!
I've been a good neighbor, loved my wife and lost my virginity, twice!"
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
20 reasons why chocolate is better than s**...
1. you can *get* chocolate.
2. 'if you love me you'll s**... it' has real meaning with chocolate.
3. chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. you can safely have chocolate while driving.
5. you can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. you can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7. if you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate doesn't mind.
8. two people of the same s**... can have chocolate without being called n**... names.
9. the word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. you can have chocolate on top of your worktable or desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.
11. you can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. you don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. with chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. you can have chocolate any time of the month.
16. good chocolate is easy to find.
17. you can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. you are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. when you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.
20. with chocolate, size doesn't matter.
Farming advice
A farmer notices that her neighbor produces a lot of big tomatoes every year, so she asks him what his secret was. He says that he walks n**... every morning as the sun raises. The next harvest he checks up on his neighbor, and asked if she had good tomatoes this year. She says, I walked around the garden n**... every morning as you said but not that many tomatoes, but the cucumbers surely got big this year.
Oh no!
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have s**... with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob sighs and says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel
Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel.
"I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."
"I'm sure if there was one, it would have been used by now, Finklestein."
"No, no, no. I say we invade the United States."
Mr. Moskowitz almost chokes on his drink. "Invade the- what possible good do you think that could do for us! We would be absolutely destroyed if we declared war on them!"
My. Finklestein's face lights up. "Ah-hah! That's all part of the plan! We would be in such a terrible state that the U.S. would have to give us aid in order to rebuild ourselves! Now, we have modern U.S. technology, and if our neighbors would never attack us while the U.S. is occupying us!"
Moskowitz thinks about this for a while. Is the plan so crazy it might actually work? "Phah," he says. "With our Jewish luck, we would *win* the war."
A man goes for a jog...
...as he passes the tennis courts he finds a tennis ball in the gutter. He picks it up and it seems to be a good find, so he puts it in his pocket and continues his jog. As he approaches home, he sees his next door neighbor outside watering the lawn. He stops to say hello and they start chatting. However, throughout their conversation the neighbor keeps looking down suspiciously at the bulge in the mans shorts. Finally the man tries to reassure his neighbor, "dont worry," he says, "it's just a tennis ball."
"Oh my goodness!" exclaims the neighbor, "I am so sorry. I had tennis elbow once, and I thought THAT was bad!"
An Engineer is standing outside of work on Monday morning...
...when his cubical-neighbor pulls up on a brand new motorcycle. "Wow Bill, sweet bike, when did you get that?" he asks his friend.
"It was the weirdest thing," Bill replies, "my old VW was broken down on the side of the road yesterday, and this gorgeous woman pulls up on this motorcycle."
"She gets off the bike, and starts just taking off her clothes and throwing them in a pile, and finally, when she's completely n**..., she looks at me and says 'Take what you want.'"
"Well," his friend remarks, "you made a good decision. The clothes almost certainly would not have fit you."
The bull
A farmer is driving his tractor through his field when he spots his neighbor's five year old walking an enormous bull with a leash.
"Hey sweety! Where are ya headin' with that big bull?"
"Hiya Mr. Johnson! Imma takin' it to Maynard's t'mount his cows."
"Good, good... but cantya daddy go instead?"
"Naw, Mr. Johnson... the bull has t'go."
Praying For Nothing?
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
My wife convinced me to try some roleplay.
She said she wanted to be a s**... mail-carrier.
She's so good at it, she even keeps delivering to the neighbor's house on accident.
Little Johnny
At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentence…
Cindy raises her hand. Yes, Cindy? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.
Very good, Cindy! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Samantha raises her hand. Yes, Samantha? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.
Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Little Johnny raises his hand. Yes, Johnny?
Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'
Can anyone use the word "contagious" in a sentence?
Julia raises her hand. Yes, Julia? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.
Very good, Julia! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Shazza raises her hand. Yes, Shazza? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.
Excellent work, Shazza! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Bruce raises his hand. Yes, Bruce?
Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'
Statistics show that one out of three of your next door neighbors could be a child m**......
Thank goodness the only neighbors I have are smokin' hot ten year olds.
Husband and wife are in bed one night...
when the doorbell rings. The wife says "I'll get it" and goes downstairs and opens the door and it's the next door neighbor. Neighbor whispers "look, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you just open your robe for me..." so the woman shrugs and opens her robe for a few seconds and the neighbor smiles and gives the woman a hundred dollar bill. Wife gets back in bed and husband goes "who was it?" And the wife says "oh it was just the neighbor." And the husband goes, "did he give you the hundred bucks that he owes me?"
An old-timer told me this so it can't be that fresh but I had never heard it and thought it was good.
A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.
My birthday present from my friendly Lesbian neighbors
So it was my birthday and I'm really good friends with the lesbian couple next door. I told them what I was wanting this year and they ended up giving me a brand new gold Rolex. I was disappointed to say the least.
I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"
Joe & Chester
Joe and Chester, two old-timers, are playing checkers. Joe says, "You know, Chester, as your next-door neighbor, I need to tell you somethin'. You should put up heavier curtains on your bedroom window."
"What makes you say that, Joe?"
"Well, sometimes at night I'll look over at your house, and I can see things I shouldn't oughta see."
"Like what?"
"Last night for instance... I looked over and could see you makin' love to your wife."
"Pffft! That shows how good your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
A man and a monkey
A man found a monkey by the side of the road, but he didn't know what to do with it. When he got home with the monkey he asked his neighbour:
-What should I do with this monkey?
-Take it to the zoo, the neighbor answered.
-That's a good idea, I'll do that tomorrow.
The next day the neighbour saw the man come home again with the monkey.
-You didn't take it to the zoo?
-Yeah, I did. Next week we're going to Disneyland!
A wife went to the police station with her next door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Wishful neighbor
A good neighbor dies and goes to heaven:
God: "Whatever you wish for i'll double that and give it your neighbor across the street"
The wishful neighbor: "Remove one of my eyes"
Little Johnnys neighbour
One day little Johnny comes home from school and his mom tells him that they are going over to the neighbors house to see their new baby. However the baby has a defect, he was born with no ears. Knowing that Johnny will say something rude his mom warns him and tells him to be polite. Johnny agrees.
Later that evening they are looking at the baby.
Johnny's mom: Wow your baby is so cute.
Johnny: Yeah he is adorable
Neighbor: Thanks we are so happy to have him. A special thing about him is that he was born with perfect 20 20 vision.
Johnny: Good because if he needed glasses he'd be f*cked
My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.
I asked her what she had in mind.
Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.
Sounds good to me! I said.
So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?
Well, no...
Then please wait in the waiting room
She was building up tension.
I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.
After summer vacation classic
All the children inn school were asked to write on the chalkboard something significant that happened over the summer.
Anne gets up and writes the word puppies on the board, and says our dog had puppies this summer. Very nice says the teacher. George gets up and writes promotion on the board, acc says my dad got a promotion. Excellent! Very significant goes the teacher. Little Johnny gets up and puts a dot on the board. The treachery looks at out and says Johnny what's that dot why is it significant? He good it's not a dot, it's a period, I'm not sure why it's significant but my sister missed hers and my dad shot our neighbor and went to jail!
A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.
Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have s**... with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two w**... in this house.
A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having s**....
The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man
"Where's the good stuff!"
The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."
Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"
The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word contagious . Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
- Susan?
- I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!
- Very good. What about you, Johnny?
- Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it's gonna take the contagious!
Neighbor in my apartment was b**... on my door at three in the morning.
Good thing I was up playing my drums.
With your thoughts
One day, Hablu suddenly grabbed his wife and started beating her a lot! Surprised, everyone stopped Hablu and asked-
Neighbor: Why are you beating your fiance ?
Hablu: I don't think she is a good woman!
Neighbor: How do you understand?
Hablu: Don't talk anymore! I see my friend talking on the phone and ask, who do I talk to? That friend answers, with your thought!
If you s**... at playing the trumpet...
...that's probably why.
My neighbor who had horrible jokes passed away this week. This was one of his favorites. Enjoy a good (bad) pun in his memory.
Heard at work today
When you see 20 cars in your neighbor's driveway, and you're thinking about calling the cops. Go over there and ask for a glass of milk. You know why? Because milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth. Minding your own business.
My neighbor's yard is so vibrant and colorful.
Good thing I switched his w**... killer to MiracleGro.
My neighbor. She's single. She's shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?
I quickly replied, Nope, I'm free!
Great she said. Can you watch my dog?
A man wins a neighborhood door prize.
it's a toilet brush, and a week later, some of the guys invited him him to their weekly poker game. While there, one of them asks, "Hey Ollie, how's that toilet brush, the one you won from us neighbors?" Ollie responds, "Well, it works real good, but I prefer toilet paper."
Missing
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children. "The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children. "The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back? "