Good Luck Jokes

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his.
They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.
After some time, one said to the other, "If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck."
"Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee."
His friend agreed that was bad luck.
The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."
"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"
"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye."
"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?"
"No, that was the first day I had my hook."

Two little kids are in hospital beds next to each other. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.”
“Cool,” says the second kid.” “What are you in here for?”
“A circumcision.”
“Whoa!” exclaims the second kid. “Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.”

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee
listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks
on wood for good luck. He then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Presurgery discussions

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy!
I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year.

Peeing in the Flowers...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

A young man is getting married...

...and is very nervous about consummating his marriage. He was raised in a very conservative and religious setting, like his bride-to-be, and is a v**... (as is the bride). He decides to ask a friend of his who has more experience for advice on what he should do.
The friend gives him details on how to do the deed, wishes him luck, and sends the groom off to his wedding.
The next day, the friend calls the groom and asked how everything went.
"I guess it went ok, but to be honest I didn't really enjoy it all that much. It didn't feel nearly as good as I thought it would."
"Huh..." answer his friend. "Well how about your bride? Did she enjoy it?"
"I think so... but again I'm not really sure. She didn't really say anything during the act, but I did notice that her toes would curl up every time I would t**...."
"Ummmm... you did remember to take off her pantyhose first, right?"

The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel

Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel.
"I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."
"I'm sure if there was one, it would have been used by now, Finklestein."
"No, no, no. I say we invade the United States."
Mr. Moskowitz almost chokes on his drink. "Invade the- what possible good do you think that could do for us! We would be absolutely destroyed if we declared war on them!"
My. Finklestein's face lights up. "Ah-hah! That's all part of the plan! We would be in such a terrible state that the U.S. would have to give us aid in order to rebuild ourselves! Now, we have modern U.S. technology, and if our neighbors would never attack us while the U.S. is occupying us!"
Moskowitz thinks about this for a while. Is the plan so crazy it might actually work? "Phah," he says. "With our Jewish luck, we would *win* the war."

Several hundred years ago...

Several hundred years ago, two rival villages would meet annually to compete in a religious ceremony. Both villages would send forth their strongest, fastest male to compete against the other - which involved climbing up a cliff to claim a cross-shaped stone. Legend had it that the cross, a symbol of luck and fertility, would bring good fortune on whichever village owned it.
The day came, and each village met at the cliff.
"Our representative, Tom Smith, is young and fit, and will surely bring us the symbol." claimed the first mayor.
"No, our fighter, Tom Jameson, is faster and stronger! The symbol is ours!"
The race began. Both men scrambled up the cliff side at an equal pace, eventually reaching the top at the same time. Both grabbed the cross simultaneously, each trying to wrestle it from the other.
"The symbol is ours!" cried Tom Smith.
"No! The symbol belongs to our village!" shouted Tom Jameson.
Both edged closer and closer to the cliff face, and in one violent motion, both Tom's and the symbol fell over the edge, smashing into the rocks below.
BA-BOOM-CHSSSHHH

Rabbi and Priest

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and the future. "What position do you see yourself in a couple years from now?" asked the Rabbi to the Priest. "Well, actually, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" ask the Rabbi. "Well, I could become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, if I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible to become a full Bishop" said the Priest. "Okay, then what?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest, beginning to be a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get frustrated, but replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right place at the right time and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" continued the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest, "What do you expect me to become, God?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Which tire was flat?

Two students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to blow off the (calculus, I believe) exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the prof that they got a flat tire and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.
Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.
The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test, sure that they have gotten away with fooling the professor. However, when they turn to the second page they discover that they really haven't.
The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tire was flat?"

The tale of two gnats

So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does.
"Well," says the beat up gnat, "My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker's mustache, and if holding on while he's riding faster than everyone else, it's the bar brawls that'll nearly do you in. This is the first time I've gotten a chance to think about it and I need to move."
The other gnat pats him on the back and exclaims, "Well you're in luck, because I know how you can upgrade big time. Do you see that airport over there? Go over there and slip underneath one of the flight attendant's dresses and nestle in their p**... hair. It's warm, it's safe, if you aren't itchy she won't get rid of you, *and* you still get to see the world."
Enlightened, the beat up gnat thanks him and flies straight over to the airport.
One year later, the gnat goes on vacation to the same spot and sees the same gnat from before, beat up as like he was the first time. He flies over and asks him what happened.
"Well," the beat up gnat starts, "I did just as you said, and by golly you were right. For the longest time I felt like I truly had a good home. Then one day, it was suddenly bright, I feel crushed, I heard lots of screaming, and the next thing I knew I was in some biker's mustache."

A couple has a child, but it comes out as only a head...

They go home and place the head on their living room table, where they care for it, feeding, teaching, and entertaining it. For twenty one years they do this.
Then, on the child's twenty-first birthday, the father decides that he wants to take his son out for a drink, so he moves the head to his car and drives it down to the bar.
There, the father tells the bartender to give him two shots. After downing one, he raises the second glass to his son's lips, and the head downs the beer in just a second. Suddenly, a torso appears below the head.
"Bartender! Gimme another shot!" The father yells excitedly. After downing that one as well, the rest of the body appears, and the father is ecstatic.
"Bartender! Gimme one more shot for good luck and to celebrate!" The father yells, amazed at this unexpected sequence of events. As the first bit of alcohol reaches the son's lips, he vanishes completely.
The father, distraught, doesn't know what to do. The bartender shakes his head and says, "Should've quit while he was a head."

Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a Protestant minister are talking in a bar.

They bet each other that they can convert a bear to their religion. At dawn the next day, they meet at the edge of the forest and wish each other luck before setting out. At the end of the day, they meet each other again on three separate stretchers. The priest is all beat up. He has a broken arm and a black eye. "The bear put up a good fight", he says, "but he's coming to church on Sunday to get baptised". The minister is in worse shape than the priest. He has two black eyes, a broken arm, and a broken leg. "It was tough," he says, "but I got the bear to join the church choir, singing baritone." The rabbi is in the worst shape of the three of them. He has two black eyes and all his arms and legs are broken. "In hindsight," he says, "I guess I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

A couple of hippies are sitting on a park bench...

...when a pair of nuns walks by, one of them on crutches and with most of her leg in a cast. The more outgoing of the two hippies asks, "Oh man! What happened? Are you okay?"
The hobbling nun responds, "Yes, my son. I slipped and fell in the bathtub and broke my tibia. The doctor says I'll have the cast off in two more weeks."
"Far out, man. Well, good luck and, uh, God bless?"
She replies, "Thank you, my child," and they continue on their way.
When they're out of earshot, the first hippie asks the other, "What's a bathtub?"
"How would I know, man? I'm not Catholic."

Bruce Springsteen...

after a long successful life finally dies and goes to Heaven. St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Bruce! We're so glad you're finally here! God's a big fan, you know."
Bruce, of course, is flabbergasted. "Really?"
"You bet! In fact, he's arranged to have the whole E Street Band reunited up here for you."
"The old band? That's great! I've missed those guys so much."
"Not only that," St Peter goes on, "there's a bunch of other guys who can't wait to jam with you. Lennon and McCartney have written some songs for you, Les Paul has built a new guitar for you, and Beethoven thinks you could use another keyboard player in the band. He's got his hearing back now, you know."
Bruce can't believe his good luck. "This really is Heaven! Is there some sort of catch?"
"Well," says St Peter, "God has a girlfriend, and she thinks she can sing..."

Two students go skiing..

Two students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to blow off the (calculus, I believe) exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the prof that they got a flat tire and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.
Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.
The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test, sure that they have gotten away with fooling the professor. However, when they turn to the second page they discover that they really haven't.
The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tire was flat?"

Einstein, Pascal and Newton were playing hide and seek...

...Einstein was counting, Pascal found a pretty good place to hide but Newton didn't have any luck. Einstein had almost finished and since Newton didn't had a hiding place gets a piece of chuck and draws around him an one meter square. Einstein turns around and saw Newton.
Einstein: "Ha! You're Newton, I found you!".
Newton: "I'm not Newton,you're wrong".
E: "Yes, you are. I know you pretty well. I see Newton!"
N: "Yes, you see Newton but what else do you see?"
E: "That you are standing on a square with approximately one meter side"
N: "OK, so what's newton over meter squared?"
E: "Pascal?!"
N: "There you go! You found Pascal!"

Two 12 year olds are in the hospital...

Two 12 year old boys are in the hospital, both on gurneys waiting to be wheeled into surgery. The first boy says to the other, "What are you here for?"
 
The second boy says, "I'm having my tonsils removed."
 
"Oh, I had my tonsils removed a few years ago. It wasn't that bad, and I got lots of ice cream after."
 
"So what are you here for?", asks the second boy.
 
"I'm getting a circumcision."
 
"Oh geez, good luck. I had mine done when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for 12 months afterwards."
 
Credit goes to my Finance professor, who told this joke as his opening statement for his retirement banquet speech.

Once upon a time there were three sisters.

Once upon a time there were three sisters aged 96, 94, 92 and they all lived together. One night the oldest sister ran a bath and put one foot in and stopped. "Was I getting in or getting out" she yelled. The 94 year old said "I'll come upstairs and see". She walked up the stairs and stopped halfway. "Was I going upstairs or coming down"?
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea. She shook her head and said "I sure hope I don't get as forgetful as them" and knocked on the table for good luck.
Then she said "I'll come up and help you as soon as I see who's at the door".