JokoJokes

Good Listener Jokes

103 good listener jokes and hilarious good listener puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about good listener that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Good Listener Short Jokes

Short good listener jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The good listener humour may include short meaning listener jokes also.

  1. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
  2. Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people. They already have enough on their plates.
  3. A Comedian in Russia. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
  4. Job Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I guess my biggest weakness is I am not always a good listener
  5. Sony created two new stereos. One has good bass for black people to listen to rap music. The other has good treble for white people to listen to country.
    Those are two stereo types.
  6. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin and communism The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
  7. When I was at the diner tonight my waitress had a black eye. When I ordered I ordered real slow because apparently she don't listen so good.
  8. while out today at a restaurant... my waitress had a black eye. so when i ordered i made sure i talked verrrryyyy slowww obviously she wasnt a good listener.
  9. I'm not a racist.... guy: I'm not a racist, but you look good today.
    girl: Thanks... but that wasn't racist at all.
    guy: I know, I said I wasn't racist. You never listen.
  10. My girlfriend's been listening to a lot of books on tape lately. She's going to get very good at measuring, wrapping and recording things.

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Good Listener One Liners

Which good listener one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with good listener? I can suggest the ones about listen and good audience.

  1. My neighbours listen to good music Whether they want to or not
  2. Why are mountains so good at listening? Because of all the Mountaineers!
  3. My neighbors listen to good music every night. Whether they want to hear it or not.
  4. My wife said yesterday... That I don't listen to her..I said: OK, sounds good
  5. Why is the NSA such a good listener? Because they know where you're coming from.
  6. Why can a woman never be a good DJ? They will never listen to Logic or Reason.
  7. Why Are Germans Such Good Listeners? They have 5 Ihrs.
  8. You have been listening to a presentation by me, Stephen Hawking Good night and God bless
  9. What is the proper expression of gratitude when someone calls you a good listener? "Huh?"
  10. What music is good to listen to while having a snack? 8 a bit music.
  11. I haven't listened to Kanye's most recent album yet but... Its Bound 2 be good.
  12. I was listening to Nirvana the other day. They were pretty good until Kurt lost his head.

Good Listener Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about good listener you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tolerant jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make good listener pranks.

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.


One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know.
I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.


He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy.
Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about",
Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch".
Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?"
Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having s**... over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room".
The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch.
This gives Little Johnny a good idea.
Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed.
Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!"
His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee
listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks
on wood for good luck. He then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Best knock knock joke ever.

Three brothers age 92,94 and 96 live in a
house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath,puts his
foot in and pauses.He yells down the stairs,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back,"I don't know,I'll come
up and see."He starts up the stairs and pauses,
then he yells,"Was l going up the stairs or
coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table
having coffee listening to his brothers.He shakes
his head and says,"I sure hope I never get that
forgetful."He knocks on wood for good luck.He
then yells,"I'lI come up and help both of you as
soon as l see who's at the door."

Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...

so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 s**... it, 1 l**... it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one s**... it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think

A man visits his doctor, complaining of hearing voices in his leg.

The doctor asks if the man has seen his psychiatrist, but the man insisted, "You are the family doctor, you are the only one that I trust with this."
The doctor uses his stethoscope on his patient's knee. He hears "Hey, hey doc, can you lend me 5 dollars?"
The doctor is alarmed, but continues to check. He next listens to the ankle and hears, "Doctor, do you think you could spare me 10 dollars? I'm good for it!"
Finally, the doctor listens to the patient's shin and hears, "You look like the reliable type, do you think you could spot me 20 dollars?"
The doctor sighs, and tells his patient the bad news. "Well, it seems your leg is broke in three places."

One night the Pope is saying his bedtime prayers...

...when God Himself comes down from heaven to listen to them. Then, sitting on the Pope's bed, He says, "Listen, you've been such a good Pope and devoted follower that I'm going to grant any wish you'd like."
The Pope is overcome with emotion, and for a little while he can't think of anything to say, but then he confesses to one thing that really gets to him. "As you know, God," he says, "I'm very attached to my country of origin. And one thing that really irritates me sometimes is all those s**... Polish jokes."
"No problem," says God magnanimously. "From this moment on, there shall be no more Polish jokes." Smiling, He says, "Listen, I have to be getting back to heaven, but before I take off, is there anything else I can do?"
The Pope thinks and thinks, finally coming out with it. "M&M's, " he pronounces.
"M&M's?" says God. "Gee, I've always thought they were harmless enough, melting in your mouth and all that...but I'll be glad to abolish them if it really means a lot to you."
Well you see," says the Pope, "I'm not getting any younger, and it's getting harder and harder to peel them."

I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player,

I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three
wood. I thought it was s**... but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room

The Perfect Husband.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: Hello?
WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes.
WOMAN: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only Rs. 25,000. Is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: Rs. 55,40,000.″
MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing… the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs. 1,95,00,000″
MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of Rs. 1,50,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 45 lakhs if it's really a pretty good price.
WOMAN: Ok. I'll see you later! I love you so much!
MAN: Bye! I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

The elementary class was learning about addition...

The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"

Two mexicans are walking in a desert....

and are extremely thirsty and hungry, and are out of food and water. As they continue on their journey to reach their homeland, Carlos says to Juan in broken english, "I don't think we es going to make it, Juan." Juan replies, "We must keep trying Carlos, we es got no choice."
As Carlos and Juan approach a big hill of sand in the desert, Carlos immediately smells bacon. "Juan!!! You smell that? Smells like.... Bacon!!!!" Carlos replies reluctantly, "How could you just, smell bacon out here? Make no sense Juan." Juan replies, "Es a bacon tree! I can tell!" Carlos replies, "No Juan, es a mirage!! Es messing with your mind!"
Juan would not listen. "Ok Carlos, your choice." Juan proceeded to climb the hill, while Carlos waited down at the bottom for him, knowing that this was way to good to be true.
As Juan disappeared from Carlos's view, Carlos heard many gunshots. Terrified and confused, he didn't know what to do. Slowly, he saw Juan climb, with gunshot wounds, over the edge of the hill. "Carlos, don't go up there!!"
"Es no bacon tree." "Es a.... Es a hambush."

A man arrives in heaven.

He's met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who consults his book and tells the man that his sins weigh almost evenly against his righteousness and the angel is having a hard time deciding whether to let him into heaven.
"Listen," says St. Peter. "Tell me of a selfless act you performed to convince me you are truly good."
So the man says, "Well I was driving across the state one time and I saw a group of bikers dragging a screaming woman off road, away from her car. I pulled over and ran to them shouting to let her go."
"Well that certainly was brave," said St. Peter. "When did you do that?"
"About five minutes ago."

Strange music

In Vienna, the great composer Mr. Beethoven had recently died and been buried in the city cemetery, with much mourning by the Viennese citizens.
A few nights after the burial, the town drunk is stumbling on his way home through the cemetery. All of a sudden he hears some very strange-sounding music wafting up from Beethoven's fresh burial plot. Terrified, the man runs through the streets, screaming about ghosts in the graveyard.
Pretty soon he's gathered quite a crowd around the grave, all muttering to each other about devils and ghosts. Finally one man makes his way to the front of the crowd, squats down by the grave, and listens.
"Why... that's Beethoven's Ninth Sympony, but... it's playing backwards!" He listens some more. "There's his Eighth Symphony, also backwards! ... And the seventh.... sixth..."
Finally he stands up and addresses the crowd. "My good people, you have nothing to fear. This is simply Mr. Beethoven decomposing."

It was my first time riding a plane...

I was so nervous, and it was showing I was very uncomfortable...
A good-looking stewardess, approached me and asked if I was feeling okay, and If I needed anything. I said no, I was fine, it was my first time riding a plane and was just nervous. She smiled and said, "Ah perhaps you should listen to some music", then she walked away.
So I took out my phone, and played A7x in full blast, which disturbed everyone around me, as I did not have any earphones. Again the flight attendant approached me and asked,
"Would you like some headphones?"
I looked up to her at amazement and shock and said,
"yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
(end)
ba-dum-tiss
I'll see myself out

Any good chemistry jokes?

A ketone and a primary amine walk into a bar and yell "Let's get Schiff based!"

Why couldn't the hemiacetal maintain a healthy relationship with his family?
He wasn't very stable and was never seen without alcohol.

An organic chemist wanted to reduce a ketone, but not the adjacent aldehyde. His partner suggested that he treat the aldehyde with ethylene glycol to form a cyclic acetal in order to protect the aldehyde from reduction, but he did not listen. He proceeded with the reaction, and both the ketone and aldehyde were reduced.
"This s**...," says the chemist. "I really wanted that aldehyde."
His partner says "Well, if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it."

Winter weather emergency

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." And the power goes off.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

Three Elderly Sisters

There were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.
One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.
The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"
The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister's shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.
Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

So the Polish guy found an ocean cruise for only $100...

His friend warned him that it was too good to be true, but he didn't listen. They sailed in the late afternoon, and right around dusk, someone conked him on the back of the head, took his wallet and dumped him overboard. Seeing a fellow passenger in the same predicament, he asked "Do they serve dinner on this cruise?"
The fellow replies "They didn't last year!"

Armenian Radio

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon.
Then, what is a horizon?
We're answering: Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.
**And another one for good measure.**
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?
Both guarantee freedom of speech.
We're answering: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.

Three Sisters...

Three sisters of age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

One last time

On a flight from London to New York, a lightening strike takes out an engine.
The pilot calmly announces "Ladies and gentleman, due to storm conditions we have lost an engine. Please dont worry, the remaining engine is fine and we will be landing at JFK in about 90 minutes."
20 minutes later another bolt of listening takes out the remaining engine and the powerless aircraft is losing altitude.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, we have lost our remaining engine, it doesn't look good, we are losing altitude and will fall into the Atlantic in approximately 10 minutes. May God have mercy on us all."
Upon hearing this, the chief stewardess bursts into the cockpit "Captain is it true?!" She says.
"Afraid so Cindy." He says.
She looks at him and tears off her blouse "Captain, before we die, make me feel like a woman one last time."
The pilot rips off his shirt, gives it to the stewardess and says to her "Here you go, iron this."

A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.
Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of h**...'s Angels stormed in and started wrecking the place. Then they scooped the woman off of her bar stool and started throwing her around and terrorizing all of the other guys there."
Saint Peter asks, "And what did you do?"
"Well, first I went outside and kicked their motorcycles over, then I went back in and found the biggest, ugliest, meanest one of them I could. Slapped him in the face, then snatched one of his earrings out and said, 'Listen up. Either you and your friends clear out of here and leave that woman alone or you're going to have to deal with me'."
Clearly impressed, Saint Peter asks, "When did this happen?"
"About five minutes ago."

Two bums

Two bums are walking down the rail road tracks.
b**...#1 turns to the other and says: "just last week I was walking down these same tracks, and I found a bottle of whiskey. I stayed drunk for a week, it was the best week ever!"
b**...#2 listening intently replies: "that's nothing man, I was walking down these same tracks last week and I found a lady, we had s**... over and over, it was the best week ever!"
b**...#1 asked: "did she give good head?"
b**...#2 replied: "no, I never found her head"

Clean English jokes, you must laugh!!!

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If Igive you two bottles of beer, and twobottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home!

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

A guy walks into a bar...

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n**... or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-a**... love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

I hate listening to music during s**......

There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.

Screw anyone

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

A teacher asks a student a question.

Teacher: If I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have?
Student: Seven.
Teacher: Listen carefully. If I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have?
Student: Seven.
Teacher: Okay, how about I put it this way. If I give you two apples, then two more apples, and then another two apples, how many apples do you have?
Student: Six.
Teacher: Good, you get it! So if I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have??
Student: Seven.
Teacher: Why the heck seven??
Student: Because I already have a cat!

Do you have a private part?

A woman hears someone knock at the door. She opens to see and a man asks, Do you have a private part?? She slams the door in disgust. The next day she hears a knock, opens up and it's the same man. He asks the same question the woman slams the door again.
Her husband gets home she tells him what happened for the last two days. The husband says to her, Honey I'm taking tomorrow off to be home just in case he shows up again.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and the husband says, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to see where he is going with this. The man asks the same question, Do you have a private part? Yes! replies the woman. The man replies, Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's own alone and start using yours? .

I've been listening to dead and bloated all morning

The other members of STP are pretty good too

Baseball in Heaven

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."

I saw my waitress had a black eye so I ordered really slow

Since she's obviously not good at listening.

A great place in Denver for Asians to get married, listen to good music, and eat is...

Wed Woks

My gay friend got s**... today.

I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen.

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

A man walks into a bar..

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n**... or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-a**... love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

What I find most s**... in a girl is her personality

Girl: Oh good, cus I have several of those!
Guy: Uh... what?
Girl: _Shh!_ don't _listen_ to _her!_

Translated Indian joke: Don't speak while you're eating.

Husband & Wife dining in a hotel:
Hubby: I wanna tell you something.
Wife: It's not good manners to talk while eating.
.
(After Eating)
Wife: Now tell me.
Hubby: There was a cockroach in your Biryani !!!
Moral:
Listen to your Husband once in a while

I was such an ugly baby...

I was such an ugly baby...My Mom was pushing me in a pram one day and was so upset with folk's reaction to her ugly baby. She sat down on a park bench and the tears began to flow. A kindly stranger noticed her tearfully rocking the pram and decided to do a good deed. He bought a large ice cream and handed it to her. 'Listen, dear,' he said, 'I know you have problems, you don't have to tell me what they are, but hopefully this will cheer you up.' My Mom smiled through her tears and accepted the ice cream. The kind stranger returned the smile then held out his other hand and said, 'And here is a bag of nuts for the monkey!'

How many cats?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Johnny's Seven Cats

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!

I tried training for the Samaritans once.

But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.
-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could show him that he is actually a pretty funny lad and has reasons to continue living. (I'm 100% serious!!)

Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Here's for all the farmers out there. Why don't potatoes make good listeners?

Because they always spud in!

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 jokes and another 2 jokes, and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Twelve."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two jokes, and another two jokes and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Twelve."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two jokes, and another two jokes and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Twelve!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get twelve from?!"
Johnny: "Because I would repost them!"

Turns out it's not always a good idea to listen to your favorite music in the car.

Toe-tappers in school parking lots become a lot less fun.

A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them

"Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll give you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.
The brunette loses at the 100th step. The red head loses at the 500th step. The blonde makes it to the 999th step and begins to laugh hysterically . God asks her "You were so close, why did you laugh?"
She replies "I just got the first one."

I've been listening to a lot of Johnny Cash songs translated into German.

I just love a good country-style umlaut.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Peter: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Peter: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Peter: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Peter: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Peter, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Peter: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

My grandfather predicted that the titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

I listened to a Kesha and Mackelmore song today...

It really brought back the good old days

Two Boll Weavels

There were once two brothers that happened to be boll weavels. They lived in Nashville, TN and both loved country music. One brother desired more than just to destroy crops and listen to the radio, so he learned to play guitar. He got so good, he became a successful country music star. Fame and fortune were no longer a stranger to him.
His brother went to school, where he met his wife, and became a CPA and found a modest job at a local tax firm. The locals often say he is the lesser of two weavels.

I've already got a freaking dog!!!

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 dogs and another 2 dogs and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two dogs, and another two dogs and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two dogs, and another two dogss and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking dog!"

Get Your Own Dirt

God was once approached by a scientist who said, Listen God, we've decided we don't need you anymore. These days we can clone people, transplant organs and do all sorts of things that used to be considered miraculous.
God replied, Don't need me huh? How about we put your theory to the test. Why don't we have a competition to see who can make a human being, say, a male human being.
The scientist agrees, so God declares they should do it like he did in the good old days when he created Adam.
Fine says the scientist as he bends down to scoop up a handful of dirt.
Whoa! says God, shaking his head in disapproval. Not so fast. You get your own dirt.

The five secrets to happiness (a Man's guide):

1. Find a woman who can make you laugh
2. Find a woman who can cook
3. Find a woman who really listens to you
4. Find a woman who is good in bed
5. Make sure these four women do not find out about each other