The Best 69 Good Jokes

Following is our collection of Good jokes which are very funny. There are some good dodgy jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these good slavery puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one


I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la

Top Good Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore good improve reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean good horrible dad jokes. There are also good puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.


He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil


Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches

C and C++ walk into a bar...

After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.

A man goes on a date

Friend: 'How did your date go?'

Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'

Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'

Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'

What's the difference between an actress and a hooker.

That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

How did Jesus get in such good shape?

Crossfit

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
-

I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

Good ol'e USA

18: can I buy a bottle of wine?

USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible

18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?

USA: we encourage it

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, I have good news and bad news.

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It's a pretty good ยต-boat.

What's a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bedโ€ฆ

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

How can you tell good cops from bad cops?

Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?

He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?

Very good, she replies.

And what happened to my present?

Which present? she asks.

The one I asked for - an Italian girl!

Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

They said i couldn't be good at poetry because i'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."

PS: it was a beam of light.

PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed Trump Sucks in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

Joke from my 12 year old why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it!

Please don't ban me

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

The teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his.

It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

If life gives you lemons...

Apply it on your hair, it's good for preventing dandruff.

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.

At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive

At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time

At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1st guy:T..this is the wrong hotel

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Thats why I always intend bad things.

I used to assume that if a chef is fat, it means that their food is good.

Then I learned: Never judge a cook by his blubber.

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees

Because they're very good at it.

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

William Shatner just discontinued his line of ladies lingerie

Apparently Shatner Panties was not a good choice of name!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the good good samaritan jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working good two good old boys piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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