Good Jokes
174 good jokes and hilarious good puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about good that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good joke? Check out this article for the best halloween, april fools, and kid-friendly jokes to improve your comedic repertoire.
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Funniest Good Short Jokes
Short good jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The good humour may include short nice jokes also.
- When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
- My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
- Trump tests positive for COVID-19. He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.
- My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
- Son In iraq I killed 15 people. Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one - Joke from my 12 year old why do you never see elephants hiding in tree? Because they're so good at it!
Please don't ban me - I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
- Antiwork did an interview on fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub It didn't work.
- Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
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Good One Liners
Which good one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with good? I can suggest the ones about cool and pleasant.
- I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
- How can you tell good cops from bad cops? Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
- I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine. It's a pretty good µ-boat.
- Schrodinger took his cat to the vet. The vet said, I have good news and bad news.
- A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
- Your mum is so slow It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke
- How did Jesus get in such good shape? Crossfit
- Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet? Because the others are Not-Cs
- I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried Onions was a good dog
- Today I quit drinking for good now I only drink for evil
- What do you call a woman who's really good at darts? Amy
- My deaf girlfriend just told me, We need to talk. That is not a good sign.
- Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under? A: Because deep down they're really good people.
- I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil
- How do fortune tellers greet each other? You're good, how am I?
Know Any Good Jokes
Here is a list of funny know any good jokes and even better know any good puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm sick of you guys posting dumb wordplay in here for awards and upvotes. Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
- What do you call a belt made out of lobsters? A waist of good seafood
I know it's bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share - My daughter just got me good… I said, Did you know you can always see your own nose and your brain just ignores it? She said yeah because it NOSE it's there
- I wrote a poem. I dig.
You dig.
She digs.
He digs.
They dig.
We dig.
Now I know it's not a very good poem, but it's pretty deep. - Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people. They already have enough on their plates.
- My girlfriend dumped me for an indian At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows
- Complementing a mustache should be a good thing I don't know why she took it as an insult.
- Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus". Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".
- I don't know if Gabe Newell would be a very good president. But at least there won't be a world war 3.
- A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie, and mom's maiden name.
Then login and read all their emails.
Have A Good Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny have a good day jokes and even better have a good day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish But today is opposite day so it's all good
- I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
- I'm being attacked by Russian hackers! Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.
- What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida? About 3 days
In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida, - Today's a really good day... 10/10
- When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive... It's a good thing my brother told me about it
- My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
- My boss told me to have a good day So I left.
- My boss said, "Have a good day"... So I went home.
- I messaged my ex on the day before my exam. I asked if she had any good cheating tips
Got Any Good Jokes
Here is a list of funny got any good jokes and even better got any good puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
- Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you. - Just got a bike for my wife. It was a good trade.
- I met a girl at a club the other night who said she'd show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside... She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.
- I just got the new iPhone for my wife All things considered a pretty good trade.
- A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news? The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'
- What has 2 wings and 1 Arrow ? A Chinese telephone
Wing
Wing
Arrow?
(posted this last year got some good feedback) - I got a puppy for my daughter... Good swap if you ask me.
- I just got an iPhone 7S for my wife I thought that was a good trade
- My friend at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and said he didn't feel too good the next day I told him, "What do you expect from taking two Johnsons at once?"
How To Tell Good Jokes
Here is a list of funny how to tell good jokes and even better how to tell good puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Tonight, while telling my grown children some dad jokes, my 34 y/o son hit me with… What's the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!
- I was telling jokes at a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.
- I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.
He still won't tell me who's a good boy. - A lot of my friends tell me I'd look good in a straitjacket But I don't think I could pull if off
- When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...
- How do you tell the difference between good Comedians and bad ones? The Bad ones Punch up the screwline.
- I was digging in the woods and found a chest filled with gold coins I ran back home excitedly to tell my wife the good news.
Then I remembered why I was digging in the woods. - Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes? Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.
- My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants
- The son to his dad * Son - Dad at last i lost my virginity-
* Dad -OH! so good son, i am proud of you, come on, sit here and tell me-
* Son -I don't think i could sit for a while
Laughable Good Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about good you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean awesome jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make good pranks.
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
A good percentage of my friends are n**......
0% of my friends are n**..., and thats a good percentage.
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.
He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's m**...?
His ears.
Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!
My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**......
A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**.... Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...
"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Arrested for being too good in bed!
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
People compare Trump and h**... all the time, but there is one major difference.
h**... was good at making speeches
C and C++ walk into a bar...
After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"
A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...
I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm s**...".
Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.
A man goes on a date
Friend: 'How did your date go?'
Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'
Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'
Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'
What's the difference between an actress and a h**....
That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.
A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.
She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.
My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.
And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
-
-
Good ol'e USA
18: can I buy a bottle of wine?
USA: no that's i**... & irresponsible
18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?
USA: we encourage it
My wife put on a s**... cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.
After a short trial, I was found not guilty.
Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
What's a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind
My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made three j**... and a vase and they're lovely.
A girlfriend is like a good US president
I'd love to have one
A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad
I guess it will be 5050
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
So I was having s**... with this woman...
I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.
Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!
Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
They said i couldn't be good at poetry because i'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 j**... and a vase and they are lovely.
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
R.I.P. dad
My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:
"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."
___________________
It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State
Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
A college engineering student shows up with a new bike
"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this g**... her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."
I said, "Tell him, he's b**... good. I don't have any kids
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
Why does Shaggy always let s**... roll their joints?
Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but s**...'s doobies do
My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective
I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way
I encountered a m**... at a bar last night
although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake？
t**... isn't a good name for a c**....
Didn't the real t**... horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?
A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.
The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?
The judge says, That is correct.
And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?
No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.
The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven
When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"
St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."
The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?"
St. Peter responds, "We added up your client billing time sheets."
For extra cash consider robbing s**... offenders.
Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.
Only downside is politicians usually have good security.
