Laughable Good Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
A good percentage of my friends are n**......
0% of my friends are n**..., and thats a good percentage.
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
You can explore good improve reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean good horrible dad jokes. There are also good puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.
He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
C and C++ walk into a bar...
After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"
A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
A man goes on a date
Friend: 'How did your date go?'
Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'
Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'
Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'
A lot of women actually turn into good drivers
So if you're a good driver watch out.
My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.
And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
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I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.
The vet said, I have good news and bad news.
I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.
It's a pretty good Β΅-boat.
What's a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind
A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad
I guess it will be 5050
β
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Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bedβ¦
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
How can you tell good cops from bad cops?
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag
Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
They said i couldn't be good at poetry because i'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 j**... and a vase and they are lovely.
Trump tests positive for COVID-19.
He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State
Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once
Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime
A college engineering student shows up with a new bike
"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this g**... her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
Joke from my 12 year old why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it!
Please don't ban me
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."
I said, "Tell him, he's b**... good. I don't have any kids
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
Why does Shaggy always let s**... roll their joints?
Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but s**...'s doobies do
My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective
I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way
I encountered a m**... at a bar last night
although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awakeοΌ
Your mum is so slow
It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke
t**... isn't a good name for a c**....
Didn't the real t**... horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?
Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub
It didn't work.
For extra cash consider robbing s**... offenders.
Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.
Only downside is politicians usually have good security.
I'm sick of you guys posting dumb wordplay in here for awards and upvotes.
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.
This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back
Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.
Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.
Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.
Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.
(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)
Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.
A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.
As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!
Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising up on its hind legs, it puts its paws together, and says
Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to receive.
I asked my wife why she married me.
I asked my wife why she married me.
She said Because you are funny.
I said I thought it was because I was good in bed.
She said See? You're hilarious!
Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.
"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."
"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.
"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."
"That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad the news?"
The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount of our best weapons and munitions have just been captured, sir."
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I wasn't suited to be a tailor.
The muffler factory was just exhausting.
I couldn't cut it as a barber.
I didn't have the patience to be a doctor.
I wasn't a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.
The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance was too draining.
I got fired from the cannon factory.
And I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
War
A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.
Well, answered the Priest, That's not a sin.
But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed. The Dutchman said.
The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.
The Dutchman exclaimed Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.
What is it son? ask the priest.
The Dutchman whispered Do I have to tell him the war is over?
I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?
So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine
Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan
Son: Dad you were a cook.
Dad:Never said I was a good one
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under?
A: Because deep down they're really good people.
I've never been good at chess.
Unlike my Czech mate.
Why does a marriage proposal always sound good?
Because it's got a nice ring to it.
I hit two good balls out golfing today.
I stepped on the bunker rake.
Why do retired Nazis make good animal doctors?
Because they're all Veteran Aryans.
I was told, I would never be good at poetry, since I'm dyslexicβ¦
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase⦠and they look very nice, if you ask me.
A banana a day they said was good for cleaning the colon
It was a week before I realised you have to eat them
A man comes to see a urologist...
"When is your earliest urination in the day and how regular is it"? - the doctor asks him.
"Every day, at exactly 8:00, I urinate" - the man responds.
"That's good. How about defecation? Any obstruction"?
"Every day, at exactly 8:10, I defecate, without any obstructions whatsoever" - the man responds.
"That's good, too. But why did you come to see me, then"?
"Because I don't wake up until 9:00"!
