Good I Hope Jokes
102 good i hope jokes and hilarious good i hope puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about good i hope that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Good I Hope Short Jokes
Short good i hope jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The good i hope humour may include short mean i hope jokes also.
- Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree? Because they stick.
I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life. - I really hope the new 'It' movie is as good as the original.. Because those are some big shoes to fill.
- You know why you should never ask a dog for an estimate on something? Because it's always ruff...
- The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial... I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!
- I was reading the book "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. It wasn't as good as I hoped it would be.
- We hoped for a good clean World Cup Final. But instead we got a Messi one.
Congrats to argentina. - I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress" My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time.
And that it's useful.
And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me. - There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy... He was hoping for a rash of good luck.
- I need someone good with photography to brighten all my images for me. Hoping you'll do it for the exposure.
- Two windmills walk into a bar... They had a good moment.
___________________________
Hopefully there's some engineering joke lovers out there :)
Share These Good I Hope Jokes With Friends
Good I Hope One Liners
Which good i hope one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with good i hope? I can suggest the ones about good news and thank god.
- I decided today that I want to have kids I hope they taste good
- How do you say 'direction' in pig Latin? Hope you had a good one!
- I hope everyone has a Good Friday. Jesus certainly didn't.
- A haiku I wrote This is a haiku
I wrote it all by myself
Hope it is good - I just finished my exam on communism I really hope I get good Marx
- I hope you're into yoga, cause you're going to get a good stretch tonight.
- I hope you're having... ...a good Friday
- Hopefully next August will be good The last one was a bit 08/15 in my opinion
- I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.
- I played dead in front of my cat. I heard him say: 'I hope to good you aren't like us.'
- Good things come in small packages Or at least I hope
- Good thing Steven Harper lost Hopefully he wont harp-on about his loss...
- I'm about to have s**... with my second cousin. Hopefully she's as good as the first one.
- They should call it 'dim all' Cause it's not just **sum** of **dim** that tastes good.
Good I Hope Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about good i hope you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean glad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make good i hope pranks.
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.
"What’s the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home… I just want her to stay with you guys."
Best knock knock joke ever..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Best knock knock joke ever.
Three brothers age 92,94 and 96 live in a
house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath,puts his
foot in and pauses.He yells down the stairs,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back,"I don't know,I'll come
up and see."He starts up the stairs and pauses,
then he yells,"Was l going up the stairs or
coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table
having coffee listening to his brothers.He shakes
his head and says,"I sure hope I never get that
forgetful."He knocks on wood for good luck.He
then yells,"I'lI come up and help both of you as
soon as l see who's at the door."
Not Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
Some men are discussing the meaning of life...
Some men are sitting around discussing the meaning of life.
One turns and asks the others, "If tomorrow all your loved ones found themselves at a f**..., gathered around your casket, what would you want to hear them say?"
One starts off saying, "I hope they would say I was a good father and husband".
The next says "I want them to say I was not only successful, but a kind and generous man too".
"I'd want them to say", says the last man, "Hey look, he's moving!"
What doctors really thinking?
- This should be taken care of right away.
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
- Welllllll, what have we here…?
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
- Let me check your medical history.
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
- We have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
- Let me schedule you for some tests.
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
- I'd like to have my associate look at you.
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
- I'd like to prescribe a new drug.
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
- This may hurt a little.
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
- This should fix you up.
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
- I'd like to run some more tests.
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
- There is a lot of that going around.
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
I was in Florida recently to visit a good friend...
and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, and left a note that read...
"I hope this helps."
I bet he felt pretty good about himself...
A man walks into the local sporting goods store with the hopes of purchasing some ammunition, as he has every Saturday for the past two months (with nothing but bare shelves), despite the recent shortage. Much to the man's luck, the store just received a large shipment of ammo that morning and he is the first customer in line. Knowing he had to take advantage of the opportunity, he buys 2,000 rounds each of .45's and 9mm's. Happy that he was finally able to find some ammo, he loads his purchase into the back of his pick-up truck and heads to the range. On the way, he stops at a gas station to fill up. A beautiful, buxom blonde pulls up next to him and notices the thousands of rounds of ammo in his truck bed. Well aware of the ammo shortage, and being an avid shooter herself, she decides to offer the man a proposition: "I couldn't help but notice all the ammo in the back of your truck," she purrs, "how about we trade some ammo for a little s**...?" The man considers her offer, knowing his previous difficulty. "Sure", he says, "what kind of ammo you got?"
Granny's boyfriend
A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom b**... her boyfriend."
The Polite Way to Pee
a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
Good deli related jokes?
I posted last night but it was really late. I got a couple pretty good responses though, but I'm trying again now in hope of a bigger turnout. So if ya got a good joke about a deli or the meats and cheeses sold in them let me know. Cheesier the better, pun completely intended.
Clubbing
I never have a good time going out to clubs. I can't seem to hit on any girls. All my friends pay to get in and hopefully leave with a one night stand. I pay to stand for one night.
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
My daughter is a good girl
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
This was the first dirty joke my mom ever heard -said when she was 16 by my grandfather who loved a good joke.
A old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful young woman in a dress walking towards him. As he approaches her, a gust of wind blows her skirt up over her head. Frantically she pushes the fabric back down into place and turns a little red from embarrassment. Not wanting to cause further distress and hoping to make light of the situation, the old man calls out, "Airy, ain't it?"
Angry, the woman yells back, "What did you expect?? Feathers?!"
A women is cheating on her husband we she hears him returning. "Quick hide!"
The man desperately darted around the room looking for somewhere to hide. Before he could find a good hiding space it was too late, the husband was already making his way up the staircase. Losing all hope the man hid in the bathroom. As soon as the husband arrived in the room he told his wife he going to have a shower, before she could stop him he had swung open the bathroom door, exposing the cheater. He was looking all over the room up, and down. "Who are you?!" asked the husband. "Pest Control", replied the man. "Pest control?!" "for what pests?" "Moths", replied the man. "Then why are you n**...?" The n**... man patted himself up and down, starred back and said "the b**...!"
A Bosnian Joke
Mujo is the husband.
Fata is the wife.
Fata has to go to the doctor.
After an hour the doctor comes out of the room and starts a conversation with Mujo.
Doctor: Mujo, I have some bad news... Fata doesn't look so good...
Mujo: I know Doctor... but She cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids!
Hope you guys enjoyed this joke, I did.
My friend tells me she's sitting on the board of the local chapter of Rotory Club.
I just hope they have good cushions..
Table manners
Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
I have Tindr hair....
It's messy, dry, and I swipe it to the right hoping for good looking results.
Discussing Funerals
Three men are sitting around drinking coffee when a pastor comes up to them. "Men, I want you to think about when your life ends. What would you people to say about you at your f**...?"
The first man thinks a bit and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good family man. That I provided for my wife and children."
The second man thinks and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good Christian. That I read the scripture and lived for the Lord."
The third man says, "I hope they say 'Look! He's moving!!'"
I work in the hole punching business. You can call me at 1-800-448-2-463.
I always leave a good first impression!
PS. I work for a printer\publisher and thought of this one while I was punching holes today. I hope the punchline isn't too convoluted.
A man is sued and goes to court...
A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:
"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"
"By all means sir"
"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"
"Of course not, that's crazy"
"Thank you your honor"
The man then turns to the woman and says:
"Have a good day madam"
And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom
(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)
Rabinowitz: Whatcha reading?
Rabinowitz: Whatcha reading?
Topper: Great Expectations.
Rabinowitz: Is it any good?
Topper: Its not all I hoped for.
Hot Shots Part Deux.
Best joke in the movie.
Do you like Chemistry Jokes?
NaHBrO
Man I was hoping that would get a good reaction
ONaNA, what's my name?
HeHe, that joke was terrible.
Taking a nap is like s**........
It's never as good as you had hoped for but better than nothing.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
A guy is getting arrested...
... When the cop asks him "Sir, do you have any weapons on you?"
The guy flexes his biceps and says "Not unless you count these guns."
The cop rolls his eyes and said "No sir, we don't count your arms as weapons."
The guy replied "Good, I wouldn't want you to disarm me."
I came up with that one a couple of weeks back. Hope you guys don't think it's too lame.
Swimming
So i translated this Serbian joke (but i dont speak english good) hope that u will get it
Two friends are talking and one say :
-My mom married again, and my step-father is teaching me how to swim!
-So, how is it going?
-Nice! I already learned how to get myself out of the sack!
What is the official name for 1,000 dead attorneys at the bottom of the sea?
A good start.
And for 10,000 dead attorneys?
A new hope.
What happens when you permit your wife to spend extra hours with her tennis coach?
Hopefully a good reason to divorce her.
I got slapped at the club the other day
I went dancing at a local club, hoping to get a little action since it's been a while. I met this gorgeous girl and asked her to dance, a little emboldened by the alcohol. After the first song with her body so close to mine, she leans in and says "You smell good! Whatcha got on?"
I said, "Well, I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it."
The person at the drivers license office asked me if I wanted to be an o**... donor.
I said sure, and I hope my Wurlitzer goes to a good cause.
"Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"
"Sorry Miss, my uncle got burnt"
"Goodness, nothing serious I hope?"
"They don't mess around at the crematorium, Miss"
This weather forecast extinguished my hope for a good day. They predicted 20% showers...
and 80% bathtubs.
I'm really good friends with all 26 letters of the alphabet
But I'm hoping to get to know you better.
God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
I'm made out of pure dynamite!
An elder couple wakes up together and kiss each other a good morning.
After that, the man stands up, picks up his weights and starts lifting them.
The man says: "Do you see this? I'm made out of pure dynamite!"
His wife looks up, with one eyebrow lifted, and says: "Too bad about the short fuse..."
(I hope it's clear because my English isn't so great)
The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.
"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.
My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.
I asked her what she had in mind.
Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.
Sounds good to me! I said.
So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?
Well, no...
Then please wait in the waiting room
She was building up tension.
I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.
A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says I have two good news for you
The man perplexed but hopeful asks: what's the first good news?
Doctor replies, you don't have AIDS!
The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, then what's the other good news?
Doctor responds, we found a new strain of STD and they're going to name it after you!
A Florida man was arrested for stealing a truck filled with $75,000 worth of Campbell's soup
I for one hope this guy goes away for m'mm m'mm good.
I went to my first kick boxing class tonight...
Hopefully, I'll be able to quit boxing for good this time.
He got his name, how exactly?
In the movie Rocky , it's explained by our hero, the reason why you would call a left handed fighter, a southpaw - reason being that this one left handed fighter from the south, would point his left paw to the south, reminding the audience that he was a southern boy.
That's all good and fine, I just hope mr. Eastwood didn't get his name in a similar way...
Police are reporting that they have just located a truck of stollen goods
Though they are not hopeful that anyone will come forward to claim the German fruitcake.
Me: Knock, knock
Friend: Who's there?
Me: UPS!
Friend: UPS WH—
Me: *runs away as fast as I can
Being an engineer is tough
It really felt good, when I had made mathematics my 'x'.
I thought I had finally been set free from all of her problems.
But now Engineering fuchs me everyday.
I miss math now, really hope she can help me once again.
(If you're reading this, math, please come back to me.
I beg you)
This one time someone asked me to tell them a pun.
They wanted to have a good laugh, hopefully.
So i searched and thought of 10 puns for them, and told them each one.
But alas, no pun in ten did.
A king fighting along side his army...
'How many of them are there?' asked the king from his captains
'About twenty thousand of them, my lord' said the captain.
'Fine, hand my my red cape then'.
The captain confused asked 'Why the red cape my lord?'
'So If I get wounded in battle the men will not see me bleed and thus they wont lose hope'.
'Good idea, sire'
The battle was long but in the end the king came out victorious.
Suddenly enemy reiforcements are seen in the distance.
The king asked again, how many enemy soldiers were advancing to their position.
'Over tenthousand strong, my lord' said the captain.
'Ah.. Well hand me then my brown pants' said the king
How does Fox News greet it's watchers?
Good afternoon folks, I hope you've been doing alt-right!
A woman is talking to a marine...
A woman is talking to a marine that she thinks he is uptight, so she aks him when the last time he had s**... was. He said 1957. She said wow, so she convinced him to have s**... with her and she said that he is still good for it being 1957 when he last had s**.... He said i hope so, it is only 2100!
What do you call it when you're scheduled for a rap battle, but your opponent just isn't as good as you hoped for?
A diss appointment.
A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday
She drops hints to her husband:
"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."
The husband nods knowingly. So for her birthday, he buys her a scale.
And that's when the fight started...
I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me.
He was as good as his word. The f**... is Thursday.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires
An Arrogant Boss
The secretary saw that her boss' zipper was open when he walked out of the bathroom.
Hey boss, "Your garage door is open."
The arrogant boss walked real close to her and said, "I hope you got a good look at my Ferrari."
The witty secretary quickly said, "No, but I did get a glimpse of a small scooter with two deflated wheels."
Looking Good
Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks.
At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven't changed in 20 years."
"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."
A father was walking with his curious daughter.
She pointed to the sky and asked "Daddy, why is the sky blue?
He replied "Hmmmm. I don't really know."
A few minutes later, they passed a tree. She asked "Daddy, how do trees grow?"
He replied "Errrr... good question. I don't know."
Seeing a dog, she asked "Why do dogs bark?"
He replied "Um, I'm not sure."
She looked up at him and said "Daddy, I hope you don't mind me asking you all these questions?"
He replied "Not at all, if you don't ask, you won't know."
Smokey the Bear says "Only YOU can prevent wildfires!"
Half the world is burning right now.
*I hope you feel good about yourself.*
[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 p**... of the same pattern and color to his wife.
Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my p**....
Husband : Which people?
(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)
My last internship interview
Interviewer: I hope you have manners. We sacked the last guy for disrespect. He compared me to a bird
Me: Wow, I can never do that ma
Interviewer: Good. So you're here for the mentorship program?
Me: Yes ma, take me under your wing
Interviewer: Get out of my office
How to impress women
A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why did you bring them to the bar?" the bartender asks. "To be honest I was hoping to meet women," the guy replies. "I hear they love foreign axe scents."
Cute repartee from "Dr. Katz"
The good doctor is between clients, and Laura, the administrative assistant, walks into his office. Dr. Katz is lying on his patients' couch and this surprises her.
"I've just never seen you on the couch before," she says.
"Well," Dr. Katz says, "I was just in a reflective mood, and I wondered if the couch might do for me what I hope it does for my patients."
"I see," says Laura. "Would you like me to sit in your chair and doodle and pretend to care?"