Good I Hope Jokes
102 good i hope jokes and hilarious good i hope puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about good i hope that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Good I Hope Short Jokes
Short good i hope jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The good i hope humour may include short mean i hope jokes also.
- Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree? Because they stick.
I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life. - I really hope the new 'It' movie is as good as the original.. Because those are some big shoes to fill.
- You know why you should never ask a dog for an estimate on something? Because it's always ruff...
- The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial... I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!
- I was reading the book "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. It wasn't as good as I hoped it would be.
- We hoped for a good clean World Cup Final. But instead we got a Messi one.
Congrats to argentina. - I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress" My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time.
And that it's useful.
And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me. - There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy... He was hoping for a rash of good luck.
- I need someone good with photography to brighten all my images for me. Hoping you'll do it for the exposure.
- Two windmills walk into a bar... They had a good moment.
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Hopefully there's some engineering joke lovers out there :)
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Good I Hope One Liners
Which good i hope one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with good i hope? I can suggest the ones about good news and thank god.
- I decided today that I want to have kids I hope they taste good
- How do you say 'direction' in pig Latin? Hope you had a good one!
- I hope everyone has a Good Friday. Jesus certainly didn't.
- A haiku I wrote This is a haiku
I wrote it all by myself
Hope it is good - I just finished my exam on communism I really hope I get good Marx
- I hope you're into yoga, cause you're going to get a good stretch tonight.
- I hope you're having... ...a good Friday
- Hopefully next August will be good The last one was a bit 08/15 in my opinion
- I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.
- I played dead in front of my cat. I heard him say: 'I hope to good you aren't like us.'
- Good things come in small packages Or at least I hope
- Good thing Steven Harper lost Hopefully he wont harp-on about his loss...
- I'm about to have s**... with my second cousin. Hopefully she's as good as the first one.
- They should call it 'dim all' Cause it's not just **sum** of **dim** that tastes good.
Good I Hope Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about good i hope you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean glad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make good i hope pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a b**.... B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.
"What’s the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home… I just want her to stay with you guys."
Best knock knock joke ever.
Three brothers age 92,94 and 96 live in a
house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath,puts his
foot in and pauses.He yells down the stairs,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back,"I don't know,I'll come
up and see."He starts up the stairs and pauses,
then he yells,"Was l going up the stairs or
coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table
having coffee listening to his brothers.He shakes
his head and says,"I sure hope I never get that
forgetful."He knocks on wood for good luck.He
then yells,"I'lI come up and help both of you as
soon as l see who's at the door."
A forester and a Lawyer die...
So a Forester and a Lawyer die and go to heaven. They're greeted at the gates by their guide. He motions for them to follow and leads them down a beautiful, gold washed path. At the end of the path they reach a solid gold mansion, glittering in the sun. The Guide turns to the Lawyer and says,"This is where you will spend eternity. We hope it's to your liking." The Lawyer thanks him profusely and enters the mansion.
The guide motions to the Forester and they move on down a beautiful cobble street. They keep going. They pass by giant Victorian neighborhood and still keep going. They pass a regular suburb, then a trailer park, then shacks. Finally they end up on a barely visible dirt path where they reach a lean-to. The guide says,"This is where you will spend eternity. We hope you like it."
The Forester stops the guide and says,"Why do I get the lean-to? I was good my whole life. I never did anything bad. Why does the other guy get a solid gold mansion?"
The guide looks shocked as he replies,"Sir, we get Foresters all the time. That was the first Lawyer we have ever had."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
A man left a letter for his wife on the dining table
The letter read:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset...I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dream evening
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman double"? "Whats that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter t**...," she said. "Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life. She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some men are discussing the meaning of life...
Some men are sitting around discussing the meaning of life.
One turns and asks the others, "If tomorrow all your loved ones found themselves at a f**..., gathered around your casket, what would you want to hear them say?"
One starts off saying, "I hope they would say I was a good father and husband".
The next says "I want them to say I was not only successful, but a kind and generous man too".
"I'd want them to say", says the last man, "Hey look, he's moving!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is sick and tired of having bad relationships...
She's had the worst of the worst. Men who would run out on her, beat her, and men who were downright terrible on bed. In an attempt to better future relationships she decided to give online dating a try.
She filled out her profile and specified she was looking for a good hearted man who would never leave or a**... her who was also an efficient lover. It wasn't long after she had posted her profile that she was getting replies. She met with a few of them, but none of them felt like they truly met her requirements.
She was about to give up hope when she had a knock at her door. She opened it to find a man with no arms, and no legs there waiting.
"i'm here about your dating ad," he said.
The woman, who could barely believe what was in front of her replied, "you've got to be kidding me!"
Before she could slam the door the man interjected, "before you turn me away, hear me out. I've got no legs so I couldn't possibly run out on you and I've got no arms so I couldn't possibly hit you."
Still not convinced the woman asked, "oh? And how are you in bed with no arms or legs?"
"honey, how do you think I knocked in the door?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny's Father
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a b**.... B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Granny's boyfriend
A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom b**... her boyfriend."
The Polite Way to Pee
a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
Good deli related jokes?
I posted last night but it was really late. I got a couple pretty good responses though, but I'm trying again now in hope of a bigger turnout. So if ya got a good joke about a deli or the meats and cheeses sold in them let me know. Cheesier the better, pun completely intended.
Clubbing
I never have a good time going out to clubs. I can't seem to hit on any girls. All my friends pay to get in and hopefully leave with a one night stand. I pay to stand for one night.
The hiker and the shepherd.
A hiker is walking through the countryside, and he sees a shepherd with a flock of sheeps.
He asks the shepherd:
- Hey, good friend! How much wool do the sheeps give?
- The white ones or the black ones?
Confused, the hiker says:
- The white ones...
- About 7 kilos of wool per season.
- And the black ones?
- They too, they too.
- And how much milk do the sheeps give?
- The white ones or the black ones?
- ... the white ones.
- About three liters per week.
- And the black ones?
- They too, they too.
The hiker is starting to feel annoyed by the shepherd and says to him:
- Why do you always answer me with "the white ones or the black ones"
whenever I ask you about your sheeps?
- Well, sir. Because the white ones are mine.
- Ahhhh... and the black ones?
- They too, they too.
(I hope it makes sense. English it's not my first language and I tried to translate it as accurate as possible).
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Big Chief
There once was a great Native Village Chief, named Akimbe, living in the peacefulness America had to offer. One day, he fell victim to an awful stomach ache, so he decided to consult the village Medicine Man.
"Big Chief no f**...!" Said the Chief.
"Take this herbal remedy" said the Medicine Man. "It will clear you of your problems".
The next day, the Chief returned to the Medicine Man, frustrated saying: "Big Chief no f**...!"
The Medicine Man doubled the dosage and sent the Chief on his way.
The next day, the Chief returns to the medicine man, furious. "BIG CHIEF NO f**...!"
Afraid, the Medicine man gives the Chief the most potent remedy he has, hoping to clear him for good.
The next day, the Chief's wife pays a visit to the Medicine Man:
"Big f**..., no Chief!"
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
An act of Kindness....
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as expected, gladly accepted the offer, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop."And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me.
"Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
A Bosnian Joke
Mujo is the husband.
Fata is the wife.
Fata has to go to the doctor.
After an hour the doctor comes out of the room and starts a conversation with Mujo.
Doctor: Mujo, I have some bad news... Fata doesn't look so good...
Mujo: I know Doctor... but She cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids!
Hope you guys enjoyed this joke, I did.
My friend tells me she's sitting on the board of the local chapter of Rotory Club.
I just hope they have good cushions..
Table manners
Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
Cheeky
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
I have Tindr hair....
It's messy, dry, and I swipe it to the right hoping for good looking results.
I work in the hole punching business. You can call me at 1-800-448-2-463.
I always leave a good first impression!
PS. I work for a printer\publisher and thought of this one while I was punching holes today. I hope the punchline isn't too convoluted.
A man is sued and goes to court...
A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:
"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"
"By all means sir"
"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"
"Of course not, that's crazy"
"Thank you your honor"
The man then turns to the woman and says:
"Have a good day madam"
And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom
(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)
Rabinowitz: Whatcha reading?
Rabinowitz: Whatcha reading?
Topper: Great Expectations.
Rabinowitz: Is it any good?
Topper: Its not all I hoped for.
Hot Shots Part Deux.
Best joke in the movie.
Do you like Chemistry Jokes?
NaHBrO
Man I was hoping that would get a good reaction
ONaNA, what's my name?
HeHe, that joke was terrible.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Taking a nap is like s**........
It's never as good as you had hoped for but better than nothing.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
A guy is getting arrested...
... When the cop asks him "Sir, do you have any weapons on you?"
The guy flexes his biceps and says "Not unless you count these guns."
The cop rolls his eyes and said "No sir, we don't count your arms as weapons."
The guy replied "Good, I wouldn't want you to disarm me."
I came up with that one a couple of weeks back. Hope you guys don't think it's too lame.
Swimming
So i translated this Serbian joke (but i dont speak english good) hope that u will get it
Two friends are talking and one say :
-My mom married again, and my step-father is teaching me how to swim!
-So, how is it going?
-Nice! I already learned how to get myself out of the sack!
What is the official name for 1,000 dead attorneys at the bottom of the sea?
A good start.
And for 10,000 dead attorneys?
A new hope.
What happens when you permit your wife to spend extra hours with her tennis coach?
Hopefully a good reason to divorce her.
I got slapped at the club the other day
I went dancing at a local club, hoping to get a little action since it's been a while. I met this gorgeous girl and asked her to dance, a little emboldened by the alcohol. After the first song with her body so close to mine, she leans in and says "You smell good! Whatcha got on?"
I said, "Well, I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The person at the drivers license office asked me if I wanted to be an o**... donor.
I said sure, and I hope my Wurlitzer goes to a good cause.
"Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"
"Sorry Miss, my uncle got burnt"
"Goodness, nothing serious I hope?"
"They don't mess around at the crematorium, Miss"
This weather forecast extinguished my hope for a good day. They predicted 20% showers...
and 80% bathtubs.
God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
A heartbroken guy walks into his bar and orders a strong drink.
"You theem pretty upthet", the barman says, with a strong lisp, "I'm a good lithener if you wanna talk about it?"
The man swigs his beverage and tells the barman about how his wife has fallen out of love with him. He explains that he's decided to give her some room in hope that the time apart will make her miss him.
"No no, thath not the anthwer", says the barman and hands him a large bottle.
"Oh, I can't drink this", says the man, "I hate aniseed".
"It'th not for you, it'th for your wife... abthinthe makth the heart grow fonder".
I'm made out of pure dynamite!
An elder couple wakes up together and kiss each other a good morning.
After that, the man stands up, picks up his weights and starts lifting them.
The man says: "Do you see this? I'm made out of pure dynamite!"
His wife looks up, with one eyebrow lifted, and says: "Too bad about the short fuse..."
(I hope it's clear because my English isn't so great)
My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.
I asked her what she had in mind.
Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.
Sounds good to me! I said.
So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?
Well, no...
Then please wait in the waiting room
She was building up tension.
I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.
A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says I have two good news for you
The man perplexed but hopeful asks: what's the first good news?
Doctor replies, you don't have AIDS!
The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, then what's the other good news?
Doctor responds, we found a new strain of STD and they're going to name it after you!
What do Russian men say if their borscht doesn't taste as good as they'd hoped?
"Still beet tho"
A Florida man was arrested for stealing a truck filled with $75,000 worth of Campbell's soup
I for one hope this guy goes away for m'mm m'mm good.
I went to my first kick boxing class tonight...
Hopefully, I'll be able to quit boxing for good this time.
He got his name, how exactly?
In the movie Rocky , it's explained by our hero, the reason why you would call a left handed fighter, a southpaw - reason being that this one left handed fighter from the south, would point his left paw to the south, reminding the audience that he was a southern boy.
That's all good and fine, I just hope mr. Eastwood didn't get his name in a similar way...
Police are reporting that they have just located a truck of stollen goods
Though they are not hopeful that anyone will come forward to claim the German fruitcake.
Me: Knock, knock
Friend: Who's there?
Me: UPS!
Friend: UPS WH—
Me: *runs away as fast as I can
Being an engineer is tough
It really felt good, when I had made mathematics my 'x'.
I thought I had finally been set free from all of her problems.
But now Engineering fuchs me everyday.
I miss math now, really hope she can help me once again.
(If you're reading this, math, please come back to me.
I beg you)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Egyptians are on a first date together.
They decide to go to a nice restaurant and begin finding out about each other. As the evening progresses, it seems that they don't like or do a lot of the same things. Bummed that it doesn't look like this first date is a success, they decide to walk to get some ice cream in the hopes to finish off the evening on a good note. As they were walking, both let out a really loud f**.... Awkwardly they stare at each other and laugh when they realized what just happened.
I guess they both realized they had that toot-in-common.
This one time someone asked me to tell them a pun.
They wanted to have a good laugh, hopefully.
So i searched and thought of 10 puns for them, and told them each one.
But alas, no pun in ten did.
How does Fox News greet it's watchers?
Good afternoon folks, I hope you've been doing alt-right!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is talking to a marine...
A woman is talking to a marine that she thinks he is uptight, so she aks him when the last time he had s**... was. He said 1957. She said wow, so she convinced him to have s**... with her and she said that he is still good for it being 1957 when he last had s**.... He said i hope so, it is only 2100!
What do you call it when you're scheduled for a rap battle, but your opponent just isn't as good as you hoped for?
A diss appointment.
A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday
She drops hints to her husband:
"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."
The husband nods knowingly. So for her birthday, he buys her a scale.
And that's when the fight started...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me.
He was as good as his word. The f**... is Thursday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Arrogant Boss
The secretary saw that her boss' zipper was open when he walked out of the bathroom.
Hey boss, "Your garage door is open."
The arrogant boss walked real close to her and said, "I hope you got a good look at my Ferrari."
The witty secretary quickly said, "No, but I did get a glimpse of a small scooter with two deflated wheels."
Looking Good
Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks.
At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven't changed in 20 years."
"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."
A father was walking with his curious daughter.
She pointed to the sky and asked "Daddy, why is the sky blue?
He replied "Hmmmm. I don't really know."
A few minutes later, they passed a tree. She asked "Daddy, how do trees grow?"
He replied "Errrr... good question. I don't know."
Seeing a dog, she asked "Why do dogs bark?"
He replied "Um, I'm not sure."
She looked up at him and said "Daddy, I hope you don't mind me asking you all these questions?"
He replied "Not at all, if you don't ask, you won't know."
Smokey the Bear says "Only YOU can prevent wildfires!"
Half the world is burning right now.
*I hope you feel good about yourself.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 p**... of the same pattern and color to his wife.
Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my p**....
Husband : Which people?
(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My last internship interview
Interviewer: I hope you have manners. We sacked the last guy for disrespect. He compared me to a bird
Me: Wow, I can never do that ma
Interviewer: Good. So you're here for the mentorship program?
Me: Yes ma, take me under your wing
Interviewer: Get out of my office
How to impress women
A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why did you bring them to the bar?" the bartender asks. "To be honest I was hoping to meet women," the guy replies. "I hear they love foreign axe scents."