Howlingly Hilarious Good Excuse Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women.
His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them.
Great says his mate, what is it!
Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
On the day of my big job interview I woke up late.
Frantically I threw on a suit.
"OH NO!" I thought. "MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn't there to help me, and for the life of me, I did not know how to tie a tie!"
I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.
"Excuse me sir," I said to the crossing guard, "I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!"
"Sure," said the guard, "just lie down on this bench."
Well if someone was going to help me I wasn't going to ask any questions.
After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
"Well in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down." he replied.
"What was your previous job?" I asked incredulously.
"I ran a morgue." was the reply.
May I have a piece of gum?
Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have s**.... Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have s**... right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."
The Polite Way to Pee
a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
Out on the Town
A man is standing n**... on a street corner.
A cop walks up and tells him "Sir you can't be doing that here unless you have a good excuse, I am going to take you to jail."
Yes Sir I have a good excuse. I was at my girlfriend's apartment... we started drinking... next thing you know she jumps up and says... "Lets get n**... and go to town. "
I guess I beat her here.
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"
"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, j**...?"
A guy has a wasps nest in his garage
He goes to the hardware store and finds a can of spray that says it's for hornets, so he finds an employee just to check if it'll work on wasps.
"Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?"
"No sir, it kills them."
A Man to a lady sitting next to him in flight.
Man: "Which perfume do you use ? It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife."
Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."
Looks like Subway finally has a good excuse for their footlongs being less than 12 inches
Anything under 12 is better for Jared.
At my trial the judge asked me how i justified using force to get women to sleep with me...
Apparently "Because I'm a Jedi" wasn't a good enough excuse
Table manners
Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
You can explore good excuse sir reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean good excuse how to come up with good dad jokes. There are also good excuse puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Kevin is woken up for school.
Kevin is woken up by his mother.
"Rise and shine, Kevin! Time to go to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to get up."
"No, you're getting up now, no excuses."
"Name me two good reasons for why I should get up now and go to school.."
"First of all: You're 54. And second of all, you're the principal!"
*Source: Hamburger Abendblatt issue #124*
Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?
Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?
-
No, not a soul, actually.
-
Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!
A man at a f**... Interrupts the priest and says, "Excuse me, do you have the WiFi password?"
The priest stares at him and says, "Good God man, have some decency. This is your mother's f**...!"
The man replies, "Is that all lower case?"
Two scientists walk into a bar
The first one says "I'll have some H2O"
The second one says "I'll have some water too, but you do realise you don't have to use the chemical term outside if the lab, right?"
The first scientist excuses himself to the bathroom, where he cries for a good give minutes, saddened because his m**... plan failed
A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic.
Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.
What's a good excuse for peeing in the shower?
Those things happen naturally when you are taking a dump
Stigmata:
*not* a good excuse for calling in sick to work, it turns out.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship steering wheel between his legs
Bartender: Excuse me good sir but I believe you have a steering wheel stuck between your legs.
Pirate: Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrhhhh it's drivin' me nuts!
A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.
"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."
I unexpectedly had a good time today.
I was sitting next to a blonde on the train and as my station was coming up I said;
"Please excuse me, I'd like to get off".
A cop lights me up for speeding
Im driving down the road and a cop lights me up
So I took off and made him chase me awhile..
Finally I give up and pull over.
The cop walks up and says, "Look, its the end of my tour, Im tired,
I dont feel like doing paperwork, If you give me a good excuse, Ill let ya go"
So I say "Last week my girl left me and ran off with a cop,
I thought you were trying to bring her back"
A guy knocks on an old ladies door
He says excuse me, I think I've killed your cat I just ran over it in the street but I'd like to offer to replace it. She looks at him and says how good are you at catching mice?
Doctor: Your night grinding isnt good
Me: Excuse me! But ive never had a man complain before!!!
Good pickup line.
Two male flies are buzzing around the farmyard when they spot a female fly landing on a fresh pile of cow dung.
The one fly says, "Wow, she is cute! I'm going to try to talk to her, wish me luck."
He swoops down, lands right next to her and says, "Excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?"
My boss is mad that I was late to work today
I guess having a flat tire isn't a good excuse when you work from home.
A policeman pulls over a guy for speeding
The officer walks up to him and says "look buddy, its 16:50 on a Friday night and I knock off in 10 mins. I really don't want to be filling in paperwork so tell you what? Give me a good excuse for speeding away from me, and I'll let you go. The man thinks for a second and says "my wife ran off with a cop last week. I was afraid you were trying to give her back "
"Have a nice weekend, sir!"
Having a big nose isn't a good enough excuse to not wear a mask.
Take me for example. I still wear underwear.
Always making up excuses isn't a good thing.
I wish i could explain why but i have broken my finger.
My friend said he hasn't had s**... because he's a child of God.
I said mate, that's not a good enough excuse. Jesus was a child of god and he still got nailed.
A professor was starting to read and grade the immense stack of term papers on his desk....
....when a young man approached his desk.
Here's my paper, sir, said the student.
I'm sorry, young man. That paper was due yesterday, and I do not accept late submissions.
Well, excuse me, sir, the student said, haughtily. Do you know who I am?
No, I do not, replied the professor.
Good! the student answered gleefully, as he hastily stuck his paper into the middle of the stack and beat a hasty retreat.
"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"
"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."
"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, s**...! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"
"That ain't my dog."
A customer is at a sporting goods store.
Customer in sporting goods store: Excuse me, do you sell cockroaches?
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
Customer: I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
An old war general is at a banquet by himself
A young woman says to her friend
"He looks lonely, I wonder how long it has been since he has been with a woman"
She walks over to him and says "excuse me when was the last time you had s**..."
He replies 1955. She replies i will change that for you. They have s**... and she is amazed how good he is. After s**... she says "I can't believe how good you are after all this time." He looks at his watch and says "its only 2230."
A woman goes into a restaurant for her lunch break.
She sees a man sitting at a table, alone with his bowl of tomato soup. Politely she asks him: "Excuse me, sir, is this seat taken? Mind if I join you?" He answers: "No problem, ma'am. But I have to warn you, I'm a very messy eater!" She smiles and sits down, and says: "Then it was a good idea to wear a red shirt when eating tomato soup, wasn't it?" He answers: "Nope, I'm NOT wearing a red shirt..."
A man is returning to his seat in the movie theater after visiting the toilets.
"Excuse me," he says to the lady sitting beside the aisle, "Did I step on your foot when I went out?"
"Yes you did," says the lady angrily.
"Oh good," says the man, "that means I'm in the right row."
A Saudi woman goes into a doctor's clinic
Doctor: Mrs Saud there's some good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Pardon me. Miss Saud, there's some bad news for you.
