The Best 31 Good Excuse Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Good Excuse jokes. There are some good excuse sir jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these good excuse goody puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Good Excuse Jokes and Puns

A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women.



His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them.

Great says his mate, what is it!

Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

May I have a piece of gum?

Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have sex. Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have sex right then and there.

The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."

The Polite Way to Pee 

a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 

The teacher fainted...

Good Excuse joke, The Polite Way to Pee 

Out on the Town

A man is standing naked on a street corner.
A cop walks up and tells him "Sir you can't be doing that here unless you have a good excuse, I am going to take you to jail."

Yes Sir I have a good excuse. I was at my girlfriend's apartment... we started drinking... next thing you know she jumps up and says... "Lets get naked and go to town. "

I guess I beat her here.

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"

"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."

"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, jackass?"


A guy has a wasps nest in his garage

He goes to the hardware store and finds a can of spray that says it's for hornets, so he finds an employee just to check if it'll work on wasps.

"Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?"

"No sir, it kills them."

A Man to a lady sitting next to him in flight.

Man: "Which perfume do you use ? It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife."

Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."

Good Excuse joke, A Man to a lady sitting next to him in flight.

Looks like Subway finally has a good excuse for their footlongs being less than 12 inches

Anything under 12 is better for Jared.

At my trial the judge asked me how i justified using force to get women to sleep with me...

Apparently "Because I'm a Jedi" wasn't a good enough excuse

Table manners

Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

Kevin is woken up for school.

Kevin is woken up by his mother.
"Rise and shine, Kevin! Time to go to school!"

"But mom, I don't want to get up."

"No, you're getting up now, no excuses."

"Name me two good reasons for why I should get up now and go to school.."

"First of all: You're 54. And second of all, you're the principal!"

*Source: Hamburger Abendblatt issue #124*

You can explore good excuse indignant reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean good excuse goodbye dad jokes. There are also good excuse puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?

Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?
-
No, not a soul, actually.
-
Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!

A man at a funeral Interrupts the priest and says, "Excuse me, do you have the WiFi password?"

The priest stares at him and says, "Good God man, have some decency. This is your mother's funeral!"

The man replies, "Is that all lower case?"

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first one says "I'll have some H2O"
The second one says "I'll have some water too, but you do realise you don't have to use the chemical term outside if the lab, right?"
The first scientist excuses himself to the bathroom, where he cries for a good give minutes, saddened because his murder plan failed

A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic.

Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.

What's a good excuse for peeing in the shower?

Those things happen naturally when you are taking a dump

Good Excuse joke, What's a good excuse for peeing in the shower?

Stigmata:

*not* a good excuse for calling in sick to work, it turns out.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship steering wheel between his legs

Bartender: Excuse me good sir but I believe you have a steering wheel stuck between your legs.

Pirate: Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrhhhh it's drivin' me nuts!

A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.

"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."


I unexpectedly had a good time today.

I was sitting next to a blonde on the train and as my station was coming up I said;

"Please excuse me, I'd like to get off".

A cop lights me up for speeding

Im driving down the road and a cop lights me up
So I took off and made him chase me awhile..
Finally I give up and pull over.
The cop walks up and says, "Look, its the end of my tour, Im tired,
I dont feel like doing paperwork, If you give me a good excuse, Ill let ya go"
So I say "Last week my girl left me and ran off with a cop,
I thought you were trying to bring her back"

A guy knocks on an old ladies door

He says excuse me, I think I've killed your cat I just ran over it in the street but I'd like to offer to replace it. She looks at him and says how good are you at catching mice?

Doctor: Your night grinding isnt good

Me: Excuse me! But ive never had a man complain before!!!

Good pickup line.

Two male flies are buzzing around the farmyard when they spot a female fly landing on a fresh pile of cow dung.
The one fly says, "Wow, she is cute! I'm going to try to talk to her, wish me luck."
He swoops down, lands right next to her and says, "Excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?"

My boss is mad that I was late to work today

I guess having a flat tire isn't a good excuse when you work from home.

A policeman pulls over a guy for speeding

The officer walks up to him and says "look buddy, its 16:50 on a Friday night and I knock off in 10 mins. I really don't want to be filling in paperwork so tell you what? Give me a good excuse for speeding away from me, and I'll let you go. The man thinks for a second and says "my wife ran off with a cop last week. I was afraid you were trying to give her back "

"Have a nice weekend, sir!"

Having a big nose isn't a good enough excuse to not wear a mask.

Take me for example. I still wear underwear.

Always making up excuses isn't a good thing.

I wish i could explain why but i have broken my finger.

My friend said he hasn't had sex because he's a child of God.

I said mate, that's not a good enough excuse. Jesus was a child of god and he still got nailed.

A professor was starting to read and grade the immense stack of term papers on his desk....

....when a young man approached his desk.

Here's my paper, sir, said the student.

I'm sorry, young man. That paper was due yesterday, and I do not accept late submissions.

Well, excuse me, sir, the student said, haughtily. Do you know who I am?

No, I do not, replied the professor.

Good! the student answered gleefully, as he hastily stuck his paper into the middle of the stack and beat a hasty retreat.

"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"

"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."

"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, SHIT! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"

"That ain't my dog."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the good excuse alright jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working good excuse thankyou piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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