Good Deeds Jokes
35 good deeds jokes and hilarious good deeds puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about good deeds that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Good Deeds Short Jokes
Short good deeds jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The good deeds humour may include short good deed jokes also.
- When a Gamestop employee dies and goes to Heaven... Do you think God says "Well you have 3,000 good deeds, but I'm only gonna give you credit for 14 of them."
- No good deed goes unpunished Like the other day when I gave up my seat to this old, frail lady, only to lose my job as a bus driver.
- As a good deed, I carried an old lady's groceries home today. The salami was good, but I didn't like the instant soups.
- A favor for a neighbor is a good deed. A favor for a favor is quid pro quo.
A favor for SpongeBob's neighbor is squid pro quo. - Got arrested for doing a good deed How come people can donate a kidney and get praised as heroes, but when I donate 5 I get arrested.
- As a good deed, I leaned over and hugged someone who looked disappointed. The guy at the u**... didn't seem to appreciate it, though.
- I think h**... doesn't get enough credit for the good deeds he did Tbf he shot one of the most evil persons to ever live
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Good Deeds One Liners
Which good deeds one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with good deeds? I can suggest the ones about good karma and goodness.
- I did a good deed Can I have some Karma?
- What do you call killing a furry? A good deed
Good Deeds Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about good deeds you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kindness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make good deeds pranks.
At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.
The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.
The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.
"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.
Everyone present turned their gazes to the dean, who was illuminated by a faint halo.
A colleague whispered, "Tell me something."
The dean, who had gained eternal wisdom, sighed and said, "I should have chosen eternal riches."
My good deed for the day
In the line at Walmart there was a little old lady in front of me, $73 of shopping but her card was declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and you've got to help out so I helped her put it all back.
I did my good deed for the day
I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.
She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
My good deed for the day.
This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn't want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
No good deed goes unpunished
I ran into a friend of mine who looked roughed up, with a shiner and an arm in a cast. I was aghast and asked him what happened.
He: Dude, don't ask. I was on the bus, minding my own business, when the gal sitting next to me stood up as her stop was approaching, and I noticed her skirt was stuck in her buttcrack. Thought I'd do her a favor and pull the skirt back out, but she punched me in the face.
Me: That s**..., yo! What's with the arm?
He: Oh, that was for trying to make peace by pushing the skirt back in .
This joke is translated from georgian.
A teacher is having a lesson about good deeds.
She teaches the kids to help people cross the road and such.
The next day a group of kids go over to the teacher and one of them says:
Hey teacher, Me, Zach, Andy, George, Tom, John and Luke helped a lady to cross the street.
The teacher asked:
Why so many of you?
The kids answer:
She wasnt crossing.
A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband
"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.
Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.
After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."
"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."
World War 2
Man: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done?"
Man: I harbored Jewish people in my basement to keep them safe from the Germans."
Priest: "That's not a sin. That's a good deed."
Man: "But I have been charging them one dollar a night until the war is over."
Priest: "That's perfectly okay."
Man: "I haven't told them the war is over."
A man dies and meets St. Peter at the gate.
St. Peter greets him, and tells him he can enter heaven on one condition. He must share one good deed he did in his life time. The man says, I was driving down the road, when I say a gang of bikers bullying this little girl. I went up to the leader, punched him and told them to leave the poor girl alone. St. Peter this amazed, and asked him when all of this happened. About 5 minutes ago replies the man
A Carnival worker and a woman get married
The couple, being good Christians never have relations until their wedding night. As the woman ends up finally seeing the Carney's room, notices that he has shelves and shelves of stuffed animals.
They finally do the deed. As they are laying there exasperated, she, panting, asks her husband So how was it? He replied You may have any animal off of the 2 shelf.
A feller from Arkansas went to Tennessee.
While he was there he met a girl and they fell in love. Eventually they got married and went on their honeymoon. They are about to do the deed when she tells him she is a v**..., that she has saved herself for him. He gets flustered and doesn't know what to do, so he gets up and goes back home to ask his parents what to do. After explaining about his new bride being a v**..., his father says, "You done right. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for you!"
Went shopping this afternoon.
Good deed done today.
This afternoon at the Morrisons check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change and she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive.
She didn't want me to help her but I insisted...................and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
Have a great Christmas! :)
Old lady on the bus
There was an old lady who would ride on the bus every day. Every time she would get off the bus she would hand the bus driver a handful of almonds. The bus driver appreciated the old lady's good deeds however one day he asked her why she gave him a handful of almonds every time she got off the bus. She stated that she had no teeth therefore she could not eat them. Confused, the bus driver asks her why she had the almonds in the first place. Her response was "i like the chocolate around them"
I was such an ugly baby...
I was such an ugly baby...My Mom was pushing me in a pram one day and was so upset with folk's reaction to her ugly baby. She sat down on a park bench and the tears began to flow. A kindly stranger noticed her tearfully rocking the pram and decided to do a good deed. He bought a large ice cream and handed it to her. 'Listen, dear,' he said, 'I know you have problems, you don't have to tell me what they are, but hopefully this will cheer you up.' My Mom smiled through her tears and accepted the ice cream. The kind stranger returned the smile then held out his other hand and said, 'And here is a bag of nuts for the monkey!'
A bus filled with politicians was driving on ....
.... The country road on campaign trail. Suddenly on a turn the bus veered off and hit a tree with great force. A farmer nearby rushed in, and seeing the scattered bodies proceeded to bury them with dignity.
Police arrived in few hours and proceeded to question the farmer.
Police: "Good deed you did there. So all of them died huh?"
Farmer: " You know how these politicians are. Some of them kept lying that they were alive but I'll be d**... if I believed them again"
A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.
Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.
Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of h**...'s Angels stormed in and started wrecking the place. Then they scooped the woman off of her bar stool and started throwing her around and terrorizing all of the other guys there."
Saint Peter asks, "And what did you do?"
"Well, first I went outside and kicked their motorcycles over, then I went back in and found the biggest, ugliest, meanest one of them I could. Slapped him in the face, then snatched one of his earrings out and said, 'Listen up. Either you and your friends clear out of here and leave that woman alone or you're going to have to deal with me'."
Clearly impressed, Saint Peter asks, "When did this happen?"
"About five minutes ago."
An old farmer, back in times of kolkhoz
lives his life peacefully until one day he realizes he doesn't feel as good as usual. He proceeds to visit a local doctor, old friend of his. Doctor makes standard check and finds nothing. He tells farmer to drop his pants for further inspection and as farmer does so the doctor sees farmer is not wearing any underwear. He tells him to get a pair of underpants "They are *cleanliness* and *warmth*, you will feel better!" Farmer takes the advice and gets back home to continue plowing field. He continues doing so, until he needs to take dump. He stops his tractor, heads to side of field near some bushes. As he has used, he drops the pants, sits and does his deed. After he is done, he pulls pants back and turns around get rid of his accomplishment he sees nothing but clear ground. "Wow, **cleanliness** indeed!" - he thinks.
The farmer heads back to resume working, sits down and says- "Ah, and finally there is the **warmth**."
Pearly Gates
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of k**... Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the k**... Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
A young couple had been dating for a while but hadn't yet done the deed...
A young couple had been together for several weeks but had not yet had s**.... Alexa, the girl, says to her boyfriend John, "we can have s**... if you can make a good impression on my parents over dinner."
John gets so excited, it being his first time, that he runs straight to the pharmacy to pick up condoms. Because he had never done this before, he consults the pharmacist on which brand he should get. They talk a while about which brands are best for what, given his size, how much s**... he's planning to have, how k**... it will be, etc. Eventually John decides on the Family Pack, figuring it covered all his bases.
John arrives at Alexa's house that night and he, Alexa, and the parents sit down for dinner. Alexa's father asks John if he'd like to say grace. John nervously bows his head and goes on and on thanking the Lord for the dinner, thanking Alexa's parents for their hospitality. He prays for a good ten minutes and, even after he had finished, he keeps his head bowed throughout the entire meal.
As he is getting up to leave, Alexa comes up to him. "That was great honey. I think you made a great impression on my parents. Your grace was lovely, I never knew you were so religious!" To which he replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."
A young man is getting married...
...and is very nervous about consummating his marriage. He was raised in a very conservative and religious setting, like his bride-to-be, and is a v**... (as is the bride). He decides to ask a friend of his who has more experience for advice on what he should do.
The friend gives him details on how to do the deed, wishes him luck, and sends the groom off to his wedding.
The next day, the friend calls the groom and asked how everything went.
"I guess it went ok, but to be honest I didn't really enjoy it all that much. It didn't feel nearly as good as I thought it would."
"Huh..." answer his friend. "Well how about your bride? Did she enjoy it?"
"I think so... but again I'm not really sure. She didn't really say anything during the act, but I did notice that her toes would curl up every time I would t**...."
"Ummmm... you did remember to take off her pantyhose first, right?"
Hans and Jervaise....
A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral?
Now Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Jervaise with vile green hairy-lip squid.
Irish p**...- An old joke but still good!
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a p**......."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a p**... dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
Good Deeds
Professor walks in to the classroom.
Professor: Greetings students, today we are going to talk about good deeds! I'm going to ask each and everyone of you to tell me a good deed that you might have done over the past month. Derpet! we'll start with you!
Derpet: Well, I helped an old lady cross the street the other day!
Profesor: Very good Derpet! Derpson, your turn!
Derspon: I gave some money to a homeless guy yesterday.
Profesor: Excellent! Derp, what about you?
Derp: I prevented a beating and a r**...!!
Profesor: MY GOD!! that is amazing Derp!! how did you manage to do such a thing!? 0_0
Derp: I persuade her!
Three Christian boys live in a church.
One day the boys say, "Pastor! Pastor! We have done no bad deed." The pastor replies, "Very good. Now each of you are granted one bad deed." One boy comes back and says, "Pastor! Pastor! I broke a car window." The pastor tells him, "Go to the back, pray, and drink some holy water." The second boy comes back saying, "Pastor! Pastor! I punched a woman in the face." The pastor replies, "Go to the back, pray, and drink some holy water." The third boy comes in and says, "Pastor! Pastor! I peed in the holy water!"