gonna Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious gonna puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for Β£250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Joe replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've spent it already.'

Joe said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with it?

Joe said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't flog a dead horse!'

Joe said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Joe said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at Β£5 apiece and made a profit of Β£2495.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Joe said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his Β£5 back.'

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A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

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Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

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A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

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My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

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I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

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What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They're both thinking, Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!

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Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: Let me see your driver's license.

Driver: What's that?

Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,

I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.

(

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I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

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If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna change my name to mitochondria...

I want everyone to know I'm the powerhouse of the cell.

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The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

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A man sees a lady with big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

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I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

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I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

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Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '

**WHACK**...**she spanks him**

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

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My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

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What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?

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A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.

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A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

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Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

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Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

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So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..

"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.

God responds "An arm and a leg."

Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

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For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats

I'm gonna miss tumblr

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I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume


"So you're gonna buy it?"

"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

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A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin"

The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed

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A man goes to a bar and meets an escort...

... after talking to her for a bit, he asks her, "Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?"

"$50," She says.

"$50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!" He replies.

"Come over here," She says. "See that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.

"Wow, that looks pretty expensive." He says.

"I bought that purely off $50 handjobs." She replies.

The man thinks to himself, "Hell, they must be pretty good." So he gives her $50, and sure enough, best one he's ever had.

He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says, "Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blowjob?"

"$500." She says.

"$500? That's fucking ridiculous." The man replies.

"Come here. See that house on the hill?" she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.

"Wow, that looks extremely expensive." he says.

"I bought that off of $500 blowjobs." she says.

So following suit, the man gives her $500, and sure enough, it's the best blowjob of his entire life.

On the third night, he returns once more. "Alright," He says. "No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some pussy?"

She replies, "Hell, if I had a pussy I'd own this town!"

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Two guys are playing golf.......

The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.

So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."

He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"

To this he replies, "Small world."

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A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.'

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A young cowboy walks into the saloon.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

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With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village..

The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.

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my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"

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A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.

The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"

The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.

The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"

The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.

The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."

And the farmer shot him.

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The Barbershop

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says:
"You're gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know", she says... "I'm gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard."

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Roses are red, Cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)

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My "classic" joke.

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!"
So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!"
The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?"
The bartender says, "Yeah.."
The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?"
The bartender says, "It's across the road."

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Doctor: I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop masturbating.

Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"

Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.

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Before it starts...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started!

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Me and my wife, we have decided that we don't want kids.

They are not gonna like it.

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I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.

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Judas: CΒ΄mon Jesus weΒ΄re gonna be late for last supper

Jesus: The what??
Judas: The supper.. weΒ΄re gonna be late for supper.

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Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the President: Sir ...

President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie?

Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir.

President: Rick?

Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.

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A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

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A redneck sees another carrying a sheep under each arm.

So he asks him, "you shearing?" The other answers "nope, gonna fuck 'em both m'self."

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I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

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What do a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my Mom is gonna kill me."

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a man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.........

Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?

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My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

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Today I was offered sex by an 18 year old female...

Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

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Two Irishmen have a bright idea...

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy,

"I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: "Paddy, go home. You've gone mad."

So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.

"Where do you think you're going?" asks the foreman.

"Well, I can't work in the friggin dark!" said Murphy.

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A husband calls up a hotel's manager from his room..

..Husband : Please come fast , I was having an argument with my wife and she says shes gonna jump out of the window.
Manager : Sir, I am sorry I can't help you , this seems to be a personal issue.
Husband : You asshole, this is a maintenance issue. The window isn't opening.

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I was pissing against a wall when I remembered an old Indian saying

Hey, asshole, if I catch you pissing on my wall again I'm gonna kick your ass.

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TIL that Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you Up

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A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs down off the railing and give the dude one of the most amazing experiences of his life. When it's over, he's completely dazed. "That was incredible!" he says. "Why the hell is someone as gorgeous as you with such... *talents* trying to kill themselves anyway?"

"It's my father. He disowned me."

"But why!?"

"For dressing up as a woman."

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A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"

Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

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This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is lucky he takes it to vegas. Put it all on 00 on roulette. Doing so the man hits it for a million. So he rents the presidential suite and they bask in the hot tub for a while and lay on the bed. The man says wow, you've done so much for me I wish there was something I could do for you. The frog says kiss me so he soes and poof! The frog turns into a beautiful 17 year old girl and I swear to god that's how she got there your honor.

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TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

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If Donald Trump gets elected president...

there's gonna be hell toupΓ©e.

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I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot

I was annoyed because I was gonna eat that later...

And now it's gonna taste like carrot....

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Roses are red, cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

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Judas: C'mon Jesus, we're gonna be late for the last supper!

Jesus: The what??

Judas: ...the supper, we're gonna be late for supper...

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A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.

The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."

A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"

The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."

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Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.

A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"

The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years."

The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."

The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"

The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."

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Bobby buys condoms

Bobby walks into a drug store to buy condoms but couldn't find them. He tells the pharmacist "I'm going to need a dozen condoms?". The pharmacist replies "Sure thing. Big night tonight?" With a chuckle and a smile the Bobby said "Oh yeah, I'm going to take my girlfriends virginity tonight. She's a bit too immature for me but I'm still gonna pop her cherry. Might as well wear it out before I kick her to the curb". The pharmacist shakes his head and sells the boy the condoms.

Later that night, Bobby knocks on his girlfriends door and the pretty teenage girl answers. With a big hug she says, "Come, I want you to meet my family". "This is my mother and father", the young girl said. "Hello ma'am, hello sir, I was going to take your daughter to a movie and come straight back but only if I have your permission and blessing." With a big smile the girl says "Bobby, you never told me you were such a polite gentleman". Bobby sternly looked at her and said "yeah... and you never told me your dad was a pharmacist".

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I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

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An average person has sex 300 times a year.

The next 10 days are gonna be sick.

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The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if i wanted to donate 2$ to end world hunger, i was like HELL YEAH!

I had no idea we were this close! I'm gonna be a god damn hero!

Joke by Matt Donaher

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I learned a few things today.

1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill.

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The egg said to the pot of boiling water....

It's gonna take a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning

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I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

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What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em

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There was a farmer who had three daughters

There was a farmer who had three daughters and all of his daughters were going on their first dates at the same time. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, decided to meet their suitors at the front door with his shot gun.
Some time went by, the first suitor arrived and the farmer answered the door: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer thought this on was ok, so he let them go.
The second suitor arrived and the farmer answered the door: "Hi my name's Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer thought this one was ok too, so off the two kids went.
The third suitor arrived and the farmer answered the door: "Hi my name's Chuck" and the farmer shot him.

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What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?

Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once

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Just before my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time...

I told her I was gonna give her 9 inches. Just as long as she was willing to take 3 inch payments

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Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of the math class...

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

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A man with a gun walks in to a bar...

He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"

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What do broccoli and sex have in common? NSFW

If you were forced to have it as a child you're gonna hate it as an adult.

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

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So, i wanted to know what my weight was.

'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.

But how am i supposed to see the numbers?

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A schoolboy rescues President Trump

A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.

The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.

"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.

A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.

Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.

*(

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A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy

A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy.

"Hello mister, i'll be at my new girlfriends house for dinner today... you know.. become acquainted with her parents and so on. After the dinner though, i'm probably gonna have some sexy time my girlfriend. You know the deal.
So is there something you could suggest me?

"Well.. i'd suggest some... condoms?

"Well.. uhm.. sounds cool.. I.. will take some"

As he is about to leave the pharmacy he stops and returns.

"Wait a second. You know... her mum... she's hot af... and maybe i could assort some.. you know.. sexy time with her as well.
You know what.. ima take some more condoms."

Later at the dinner the young man is completely silent and is just looking at the table.

His girlfriend says.

"If i'd known you're gonna be all silent and stuff i wouldnt have invited you to this dinner!?"

The young man then answers:

"If i'd had known your dad is a pharmacist i wouldnt even be here."

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Rick Astley will lend you any of the Pixar films in his collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you Up.

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What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."

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I guy walks into a bar...

Inside he sees a girl that he thinks looks hot. He walks up to her and starts to talk, then stops. The girl is confused and asks "Were you going to say something?" The guy smiles and says "I was gonna tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long." He sits down next the girl. The girl. Begins to say something but stops. The guy asks if she was going to say something. The girl smiles and says "I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."

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My boyfriend and I both drive Hondas.

He's got one of those boxy ones, and mine is a mid-size sedan. And neither of us has our own place, so we mostly end up just having sex inside the car. His is a little bigger, so we usually use his.

Recently, however, he's been wanting to experiment a little bit, and he's saying we should try some things out while having sex on top of his car, instead of inside it.

But if I'm gonna have sex with my boyfriend in a way that's out of his Element, it will have to be on my own Accord.

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Little Tony

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."

The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?

Little Tony shakes his head and says

"No, he minded his own fucking business!"

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White guy goes to prison... (NSFW)

To his dismay, he's put in a cell with a very large black man. After a few moments of silence, the black man says in a deep, booming voice, "There's one thing we gotta get straight right now if we're gonna be in this cell together. We gots to figure out who's gonna be the husband and who's gonna be the wife. I'll let you decide."

The white guy is shaken, and thinks for a moment through all of the ramifications of his decision. Finally he says, "Okay, I'll be the husband."

The black guys says, "That's fine with me. Now get over here and suck yo wife's dick."

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A farmer wanted to buy a new rooster to breed with his chickens...

The farmer's old rooster was getting up there in the years, so he buys a new one.

The old rooster looks at the new rooster and sizes him up. "Look, sonny, I'm willing to hand over the whole henhouse to you, but you gotta prove yourself to be strong and quick. I'm gonna run, and if you can catch me, it's about time for me to retire."

The young rooster thinks it over and agrees to the contest. The old rooster runs fast, but the young rooster runs faster. Just as the young rooster is about to catch up, though -- BANG!

The farmer fired a gun, killing the young rooster. "Damn it, I bought another gay rooster!"

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Two soldiers are walking through the desert...

And a scorpion crawls up on one of the Tim's leg and stings him right in the dick. Johnny calls the base and asks to talk with the medic. He tells him what happened to Tim and asks what the best course of action would be. Since the base is far away, the medic tells Johnny that he has to suck the venom out of the wound before it spreads. Tim asks: "What did the medic say?"
Johnny says: "He says you're gonna fucking die"

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch man playing the piano

So the guy walks up to the bartender and asks where did you find a guy that's a foot tall and can play the piano?

Bartender: I wished for him

Guy: yeah, like I'm gonna believe that

Bartender: no seriously, here you make a wish

So the bartender hands the man a magical genie lamp, and all of the sudden a million ducks appear out of nowhere.

Guy: what is this I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks

Bartender: and you think I wished for a 12inch pianist.

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A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."

The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?"

"Rustling."

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Two girls are walking home after a night out…

Both of them are busting to go to the toilet so they decide to go in the cemetery. One wipes with her panties then throws them away, the other wipes with a wreath of flowers off one of the graves.
The next day their husbands are talking at work….
"I'm gonna have to start keeping an eye on my wife, she came home last night with no panties on"
"That's nothing, mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying 'We'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station'"

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What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking,"Mom is gonna kill me".

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I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

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Hitler walks into a bar...

The bartender does a double take but doesn't say anything at first. "This cant be!" the bartender thinks to himself. Finally he decides to bring it up.

"Hey man, I don't want to bother you," says the bartender, "but you look *just* like Hitler."

"I am Hitler," says the fuhrer. "I'm back. And this time, I'm gonna kill eight million Jews **and** three rodeo clowns."

"Three rodeo clowns?" asks the puzzled bartender.

Hitler says "see? No one gives a fuck about the Jews."

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A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus

The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to suck on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."

An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"

Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."

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A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.

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I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

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So two condoms walk into a bar..

.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"

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Rick Astley is such a nice guy

He'll let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up!

He's Never Gonna Give You Up

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An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams...

An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams. He falls madly in love with her and decides that he is gonna marry this girl...but first he needs to introduce her to his mother.

So he calls his mother, "Ma, I've met the one. I met the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want you to met her, but since you think you know me so well I'm gonna bring 3 girls home and I want you to try to figure out which one I'm gonna marry"

So that Sunday the man brings 3 beautiful women to dinner. They enjoy the meal together and the mother starts to clean up the dishes. The son follows her into the kitchen and confronts her, "So ma, which one of these girls am I gonna spend the rest of my life with? Which one of these girls am I gonna marry?"

"The one in the middle," says the mother

The man is shocked, "That's the one! I gotta know how you knew, ma?"

"Outta the three girls, that's the one I don't like"

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According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

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A black family of 5 lives by a magical river that turns black people to white people...

...when you swim across it. First the mother jumps in and swims across. When she comes out she turns white.

She yells to her husband, "Honey, it worked! Swim across!"

The father jumps in and swims across and he too turned white when he got out.

They then say come on kids! The three kids jump in and realized that they don't know how to swim.

The mother says to the husband, "Are you gonna jump in and save them?"

The father responds and says, "No fuck those n***ers!"

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My Jewish friend told me this one

Two Jewish guys are walking along when one notices a sign on a Catholic Church that says, "Convert to Christianity and we'll give you 100$." The one says "should we do it?" and the other guy says "NO! are you crazy?" The first guy replies, "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars.... I'm gonna do it!" So he walks in the church, and then a while later he comes back out. The friend says, "Well? Did you get the money?" Then the other says, "Oh is that all you people think about?"

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Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey.

Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".

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The next person to show me that dress...

...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

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Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy...

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

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Too Much to Drink

It was getting late one night when the bartender at a pub decided he'd have to cut one of the regulars off.

*"You've had too much to drink Jeffrey. I've got to stop servin' ya."*

*"Aye, it seems I have. Besides, the wife's probably gonna be mad I drank too much again. I should get on home"* replied Jeffrey.

At which point he tried to get up off his barstool, but immediately fell to the floor. ***SMACK*** After another attempt to get up, Jeffrey fell to the floor once more. ***SMACK***

*"Do ya need some help there Jeffrey?"* said the bartender. *"No no, I'll be fine. I only live across the road!"* responded Jeffrey as he crawled drunkenly across the pub floor.

It took Jeffrey quite a while to get to the door of the pub. He tried to get up and walk once more, but he fell back to the ground just as hard. ***SMACK*** Eventually, after much struggle he made it across the street and into his apartment.

The next day he woke up with a splitting headache, and it was clear is wife was not pleased.

*"Ya got piss drunk again last night, didn't ya Jeffrey?!?"* she barked.

Jeffrey sighed, and then responded *"Yes dear, I did. I'm so sorry! How did ya know?"*

To which his wife snapped back *"The pub phoned this mornin'. Ya left yer damn wheelchair at the bar again!"*

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A midget on the bus.

So I'm riding on the bus and this midget comes on and sits beside me.

After a couple of stops, the driver slams on the brakes and the midget slides off the seat, so I grab him by the arm and sit him down again.

Next stop, the same thing happens so again I grab him by the arm and sit him down.

By the fifth stop, the same thing happens and I'm irrirated so I grab him and say: "Hold on tight you dumb midget or you gonna keep sliding off the seat".

He turns around and says to me: "My stop was 5 stops ago, I've been trying to get off the bus you sunabitch".

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Dad: "Son, if you don't stop masturbating you're gonna go blind."

Son: "I'm over here Dad."

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A man saw a lady with big breasts.

He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000 ?". She agreed, so they went to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, " Aren't you gonna bite them?". He replies, "No, it's too expensive!".

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I'm deathly afraid of elevators

I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them

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A nun was out for a walk...

...when a black van pulls up beside her. A man jumps out and drags her into the van were he proceeds to rape her. When he's done he stands up beside her and asks:
- So what are you gonna tell your sisters when you get back?
- I will tell them the truth. That a horrible man attacked me and raped me twice.
- Twice? the man asks.
- Yes. the nun replies. If your not in a rush of course?

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My doctor told me to avoid trans fats.

I'm really gonna miss tumblr.

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What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you're gonna hate it as an adult.

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Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.

"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.

"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."

And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."

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My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

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$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

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A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"

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One hell of a day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

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Paddy and Murphy

...are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home". So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

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Rick Astly will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one...

He's never gonna give you "UP".

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I let my blind friend borrow money

He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...

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A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night

.
The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.

The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe.

The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.

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So did y'all hear OJ Simpson is going to get remarried?

He's gonna take another stab at it.

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An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.

"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

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A generic slightly racist one! (use it with any minority).

A guy goes to a club in Germany with a t-shirt that says:

Turks have three problems

Immediately a Turk comes up and says:

-- What's that supposed to mean, on your t-shirt? You looking for trouble?

-- See, this is your first problem. You are too aggressive. You start quarrels for nothing.

-- Oh yeah? Let's go outside.

They go outside, and the guy brings a bunch of his compatriots for support:

-- There's five of us. What are you gonna do now, jerk?

-- This is your second problem. You cannot deal with your shit alone, you always have to bring your girlfriends about.

-- What? You're screwed!

They pull out knives and start to close in aggressively.

-- And this is your third and biggest problem. You bring knives to a shoot-out.

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I was gonna make a joke about Sodium and Hydrogen

but NaH

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My credit card was stolen today

I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.

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Two jews are walking past an evangelical church...

When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"

Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these goyim out of ten grand!"

"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get sucked in and you lose your faith?!"

"Don't worry, Strausman. Once a Jew always a Jew. I'll say *I am found,* I'll do the dunking thing, I'll accept Jesus, badabing badaboom, and Ill walk out with $10,000!"

So Goldberg goes in and an hour later walks out to a worried Strausman. "So? Did you get the ten grand?"

"You jews, all you think about is money!"

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Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.'

We laughed about it. Then my wife said, 'Don't make the same mistake I did.'

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A Banana and a Vibrator are sitting on a bedside table

the banana says "I dont know why YOU'RE shaking, she's gonna fucking eat ME"

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An innocent man is given a life sentence. (NSFWish)

The guards take him to his cell, where he finds out that his bunkmate is about twice his size, with a mean mug and a menacing demeanor. As the innocent man is settling in, the inmate says, "Alright, since I'm feeling generous today, I'm gonna give you the option. You wanna be the wife or the husband in this relationship?" The innocent man, somewhat relieved, says, "Well sir, if it's all the same to you, I would much prefer to be the husband." The inmate replies, "Fine by me. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick"


Sorry for the grammar and such... I tried.

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Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Ok.

Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.

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A man walks into a store to buy condoms

He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"

Wife: What's so special about them.

Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.

Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?

Husband: The gold one of course!

Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

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The Bear hunter

There was a guy and he was out in the woods hunting. He was walking through the bush and he spotted a bear, so he aimed at the bear - shot - walked over saw no blood no fur no bear! So then he feels a tap on his shoulder he turns around and it is the bear, "Did you just try to shoot me?"

"Well yeah"

"Well seeing as you tried to kill me I'm gonna have to rape you!"

So the bear does his business and leaves! The guy is really mad so he goes to the city, buys an even bigger gun and goes out looking for the bear. He sees it takes the shot - walks over no blood no fur no bear! Then he feels a tap on the shoulder it is the bear again!

"Did you just try and kill me again?"

"Yeah"

"Well now i have to rape you again!"

So the bear did his thing and left! The guy was really mad, went back to the city and found the biggest gun he could! He went back, found the bear took a shot - walked over no blood no fur no bear. The guy then feels a tap on the shoulder!

"You aren't in this for the hunting are you?"

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A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter says: Nothing special, we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die."

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Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!

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I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

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The lion and the fox

A lion and his wife lived in a cave, and everyday there was this fox who would come sit in front of the cave and start making fun of the lion and teasing him: "You call yourself a king? You're nothing but a pussy who's afraid of his own shadow. If you're a real lion come out here and fight me! Oh, you think you're so fierce, you sissy!". The lion's wife would get so annoyed "Why are you letting him get away with this? If you're not gonna do something about this, I WILL!", and the lion would say "Just ignore him, he's a freaking fox, he's not worth it, just let it go".

One day, she felt that she couldn't take it anymore, and decided to handle the situation by herself. She came out of the cave and started running after the fox. The fox ran and ran, but the lioness was close on his heel. He entered a pipe and got out on the other end. When she tried to get in, she got stuck, so the fox came from behind and fucked her in the ass.

The lioness went back to the cave, angry and frustrated. The lion looked at her and said: "So... He took you to the pipe didn't he.."

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A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand

The man yelled at the top of his lungs

"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"

The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied

"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"

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A son asks his father, Dad, what's a dilemma?

Well, Son, imagine you were lying in bed, naked, and, to one side, is a beautiful, young, nude woman, and, to the other side, is a very muscular, gay man; who ya gonna turn your back on?

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Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Horny as hell he says, "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off the intercom!"

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom...

'I think it's about time we started swearing', says the 7 year old. 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast - 'Oh, shit Mom, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops bitch'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know, but it sure as shit won't be fucking Coco Pops'.


Kinda old but i only just heard this one, gold.

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A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office

The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."

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For Halloween this year, I'm gonna be a dish.

Because bitches do dishes.

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What are the best Gonna puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Gonna? Well, here are the best jokes about Gonna to have fun with.

Joko Jokes