golfing priest Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious golfing priest puns

Why do Catholic priests like golf?

Because most of the holes are under 18.

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A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day..

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will strike you down."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fucking missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will strike you down."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuck, I missed". The priest said, "That's it god will certainly strike you down."

Suddenly, the skies darkened, thunder boomed and a bolt of lightning came down...but it hit the priest. From the heavens a deep voice said, "Oh fuck I missed".

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A man and a priest are playing golf.

The man hits the ball but it goes wide, landing far away from the hole. "Damnit, missed!" he shouts angrily. The priest turns to him and says, "if you swear like that, one day god will strike you down"!

The mab ignores him and tries for another shot. Once again he misses and once again he shouts "DAMN, MISSED"! At this point the priest is getting pretty annoyed himself. He reminds the man; "seriously, if you keep swearing like that, God will strike you down".

For the third time the man lines up a shot, swings, and misses completely. "DAMN MI....!" he begins before a bolt of lightning flashes down from the sky and hits the priest, killing him instantly! As the man looks around in shock a voice booms from the heavens; "DAMN, MISSED!"

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An old priest goes golfing

An old priest goes golfing one sunny afternoon with a young priest fresh out of seminar. The old priest carefully places his ball on the tee, concentrates, and strikes beautifully. However, the wind blows the ball off course and it falls into the rough.

"That goddamn wind!" says the old priest. The young priest turns to him, horrified.

"Sir, you shouldn't swear like this... Remember, God said unto Moses *Thou shalt not take the name of Lord thy God in vain.*"

The old priest mumbles a half-hearted excuse and shuffles off to find his ball. He positions himself, checks his grip on the club, and strikes. The ball heads straight toward the hole... then gets blown off course again.

"That GODDAMN wind!" yells the old priest.

The young priest grows pale. "Sir," he pleads, "you really shouldn't swear like this." But the old priest is already walking toward the brush where his ball landed.

He reaches it, and strikes it a third time. The ball gets blown off course yet again and lands right in the middle of a pond.

"THAT GODDAMN WIND!!" screams the priest, throwing his club away in a fit.

"Sir," the young priest begins, but then there is a mighty flash in the heavens, and the young priest is struck dead by lightning.

The old priest falls to his knees. "God," he asks, "why did you smite this poor young man instead of me?"

A booming voice echoes through the sky : "That goddamn wind..."

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A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.

On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.

When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.

The farmer is furious and screams: "Goddammit I missed".

The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".

On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.

When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.

He screams "Goddammit I missed"

A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.

Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "Goddammit I missed"

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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

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A Lawyer and a Priest Go Golfing

A lawyer and a priest tee off on the first hole of their game. The lawyer screws up his swing and exclaims "Damn! Missed!" The priest warns him, "You should not say such things under the eyes of the almighty." The lawyer shrugs this off as they continue. On the next hole the lawyer makes another terrible shot, "Damn! Missed!" he exclaims once again. Once again the Priest warns him, "You risk invoking the wrath of God if you continue your blasphemy sir."
They arrive at the third hole and once more, "DAMN! MISSED AGAIN!"
Suddenly the sky darkened with clouds, the temperature dropped to a chill, and before either golfer could comment on it, a lightning bolt from the heavens blazed down and fried the priest to a crisp. The lawyer then heard a deep, loud voice from beyond the horizon, "DAMN, MISSED."

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So a priest and his friend play a round of golf.

The friend misses a short putt and exclaims, "Oh shit! I missed." The priest then responds, "Watch what you say! God will strike you down!" Later on in the round the friend misses another short putt, once again exclaiming "Oh shit! I missed again." The priest says back "I warned you before! If you say that one more time God will strike you down!" On the final hole, the priest's friend for the third time misses a short putt and shouts, "Oh shit! I missed!" "That's it," says the priest, "I warned you." Immediately afterwards a huge bolt of lightning comes out of the clear blue sky and strikes the priest. A loud, booming voice erupts from the heavens and says "Oh shit. I missed."

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A sailor and a Priest go golfing

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed."

Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck'n missed again."

The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuck…"

The priest said, "That's it god will certainly punish you."

Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".

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An engineer, a doctor and a priest are playing golf

There is an old joke about an engineer, a priest, and a doctor enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.

The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.

The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.

And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?"

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forgive me father for i have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.
"this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.
"No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.
"Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore"
"Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"
The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

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A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.

St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"

God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"

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A priest and a nun are golfing...

The priest misses a putt and yells " dammit I missed!" The nun tells him not to swear because God won't approve of it. On the next hole the priest hits a bad shot and yells once again " dammit I missed" and the nun tells him," don't swear anymore or the sky will open up and God will strike you down" . On the next hole the priest once again messes up and once again yells "dammit I missed!" At that point the sky opened up and the nun gets struck by lighting. The priest looks up with astonishment and from the sky he hears " dammit I missed!"

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Golf jokes today is it? Here's mine

A three-man group, a doctor, a priest, and an engineer are playing a golf course on a beautiful summer day. After a few holes they realize the group ahead of them is progressing incredibly slowly; the doctor flags down the groundskeeper and asks "What's taking them so long? I've got patients to see this afternoon!"

The grounds keeper explains, "Well, we had a fire in the clubhouse a few years back. A group of firefighters was able to save it, but they lost their sight in the blaze. Since then, we allow them to play for free whenever they like."

The doctor responds, "That's terrible! I'll speak with the ophthalmologists I know, perhaps one of them can help these poor men."

The priest nods before adding, "I'll keep these men in my prayers and see about getting donations from my congregation for the families"

The engineer looks at the doctor, priest, and groundskeeper and asks, "Why can't they just play at night?"

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A man goes to confession...

Forgive me Father for I have sinned...

"Go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway"

"And this is when you swore?" asked the priest.

"No Father, my ball the ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.

"This must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.

"No Father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" the man continued.

"Ahh I see" says the priest "This must have been the point where you swore"

"Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from it's mouth and landed two feet from the hole"

The priest pauses for a few seconds "You missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

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A minister, priest, and a rabbi....

Are all playing golf for money... They decide that they should give some money to their respective churches, but are unsure as to how to do it.

The priest gets an idea....walks over to the ball drop area, stands inside the circle and says, "I'm going to throw my money into the air. Whatever lands INSIDE this circle, I'll give to my church."

The minister, then goes over, stands inside the circle and says, "Ok. When i throw my money into the air, whatever lands OUTSIDE the circle is what I'll give away".

The rabbi then goes over to the circle, gets his money out, and says, "I'm going to throw my money in the air, and whatever God wants, He'll keep!"

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A priest, a doctor, and a mathematician...

are playing golf, and they notice that the group ahead of them is playing slower than any group they've seen before. So when the owner of the course walks by, they ask why the group ahead of them were going so slowly. The owner says, "Oh, this is a group of volunteer firemen who lost their sight while saving our course from a raging fire last year; we let them play for free."
The priest says, "I'll have my congregation pray for them."
The doctor says, "I'll do my best to get them a good surgeon."
The mathematician says, "Why don't they play at night?"

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A man enters a golfing tournament...

... but he is terrible at golf. However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course. He says to the man,
"I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry."
The man agrees.

After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name.
The man says:

"Father Smith" as he adjusts his priest's collar.

(A priest joke with 100% less pedophilia!)

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A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister go golfing

They're all discussing what to do with the donations from their congregations. How much should they keep and how much should they give back to God.

The Priest says: "Let's draw a circle and throw all of the money up in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle we give to God and anything that lands outside we keep."

The Minister says: "No, whatever lands outside the circle we give to God and anything that lands inside, we keep."

Then the Rabbi says: "Guys, I've got it! We throw all of the money in the air and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

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A priest is playing golf with a sailor.

The sailor uses salty language each time he misses. "Goddammit, I missed!"

The priest warns him not to curse in God's name.

The sailor misses again. "Goddammit I missed!"

The priest cautions him again.

The sailor misses a third time. "Goddammit I missed!"

The skies open up and the hand of God casts down a bolt of furious vengeance which completely obliterates... the priest.

The sailor looks up into the sky.

A booming voice from heaven says "Goddammit, I missed!"

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The Priest who couldn't swear!

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the 1st hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, Hoover! under his breath.

On the 2nd hole, Father Murphy's ball went straight into a water hazard. Hoover! again, a little louder this time.

On the 3rd hole, a miracle occurred, and Father Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! Praise be to God!

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. Hoover!
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said, Hoover.

It's the biggest dam I know.

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A carpenter and a priest were playing golf...

The carpenter swings, and misses. He yells "God damn it!"
The priest rebukes him "Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain!"
The carpenter just waves him off, and swings again. And misses. "God DAMN it! Missed again!"
The priest exclaims "The Lord might strike you down with lightning for that!"
The carpenter just laughs him off and swings a third time. "**GOD DAMN IT! MISSED AGAIN!**"
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning comes down from the clear blue sky and turns the priest into a puff of smoke. A deep, booming voice comes down from above.
"GOD DAMN! MISSED AGAIN!"

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A priest and a nun are playing golf...

The priest is on the putting green and is an avid golfer. He lines up his shot and swings...and the ball goes far left.

"GOD DAMMIT!" shouted the priest.

The nun, horrified, says "Father, you can't do that, that's offensive". And the priest, looking down, apologizes and asks for her forgiveness.

Once again, he walks up to the ball, lines up his shot, swings, and once again the ball misses the hole. "GOD....DAMMIT!" screamed the priest as he threw his putter on the ground.

"Father!" said the nun, "You are taking the lords name in vain, that is a sin. You are a representative of the church you musn't do that.

And once again the priest says "Sorry. Forgive me".

"Well just try to let it not happen again" said the nun

The priest grabs his putter, lines up his next shot, misses, and screams "GOD DAMMIT!"

The nun cries out "Father! That is enough! You are commiting a sin you are personally offending me, you are taking the lords name in vain. Never do that again"

The priest says "You're right, if I say that again, may the lord strike me dead"

And after a nod of approval from the nun, the priest takes another swing, misses once again, and screams "GOD DAMMIT!"

Just as he says it clouds swell overhead and a powerful bolt of lightening comes down and strikes the nun dead. And the priest heard this big booming voice say....

"OH, GOD DAMMIT!"

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A man and a priest are playing golf...

... the man is putting and misses his shot. "God damnit, I missed," the man says.
The priest tells him to not take the Lord's name in vain, or God would strike him down.
The man swings and misses again.
"God damnit, I missed."
The priest, again, reminds him that God would strike him down, if he uses the Lord's name in vain.
The man swings and misses a third time. He says, "God damnit, I missed."
All of a sudden, there's thunder and dark clouds fill the sky over the golf course. A flash of lightning strikes down from the heavens and hits the priest. A deep voice coming from the clouds says, "God damnit, I missed."

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A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf.....

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.

The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.

The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.

And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?"

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a priest and a golfer are playing golf...

On the first hole, the priest gets a hole in one.
The golfer, wanting to show up the priest, tries to get a hole in one too.
He hits the ball. It goes and goes. But it stops right in front of the hole.
"Damn it! I missed!" yells the golfer.
"Sir, if you say that one more time, God will strike you down." warns the priest.
They keep playing and soon the golfer forgets the priests warning.
On the 18th hole, the priest gets another hole-in-one.
Naturally the golfer tries to get one well.
He hits the ball. It goes and goes. But it stops right in front of the hole.
"Damn it! I missed!" yells the golfer.
"Sir, I warned you!" growls the priest.
Dark storm clouds gather, a giant hand extends from the sky. Lightning flashes!
When the world returns to normal, the golfer looks next to him and sees a little pile of ash where the priest was.
And, up in heaven, god yells:"Damn it! I missed!"

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A man went to a priest..

"Father, I have sinned.". "Go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

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A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Monk

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk go golfing. After a few holes they decide to get down to business. They're trying to figure out how much of their money they should donate to the church. How much should they tell their members to give?


After much debate the Catholic Priest says, "let's draw a circle around the cup and throw all of our money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give that percentage to God. It is his will.

The Buddhist monk says, "I like that idea but why don't we donate everything that lands outside the box instead?"

The Rabbi looks at both of them and says, "Why don't we throw the money in the air and let God keep what he wants?"

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A nun and a priest

A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!".
The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again.
On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".

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Priest and nun playing golf.

A priest and a nun are playing golf. The nun, on the first course, swing and hit the ball, right in the hole at the first strike. The priest hit the ball and threw it around. "Fxxx! I've missed!" said the priest. The nun glance at him and disagrees, moving the head. On the second hole, same scene: the nun succeded at the first strike, the priest threw it in the woods and started yelling: "Fxxx! I've missed!". The nun started complaining. Third hole, and following same exact scene. The priest shouts: "Fxxx! I've missed!" louder and louder. After another couple of holes, the nun said: "Enough! Stop dirty talking! If I hear you once more, may the sky strike you with a lightning!". The priest is very sorry and keep playing in silence. On the last hole, the nun scores in one strike. The priest threw the ball in a sand bunker and yelled: "Fxxx! I've missed!". The sky open itself and a enormous lightning strikes... the nun! From above the priest heard a voice: "Fxxx! I've missed!"

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A man goes to confession to tell the priest he used a terrible word.

The priest asks him what happened.

The man says he was playing golf and hit a beautiful drive, but it sliced into the woods.

The priest asks, is that when you said the bad word, and the man says , no Father, the ball hit a tree and ricocheted out of the woods but went into a sand trap and the priest says oh, I see, so that's when you said the bad word and the man says no father, the ball hit a rake and bounced onto the green within a foot of the cup

And the priest slaps his forehead and yells DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT!

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A priest and a minister were golfing...

...when the minister swung and hit a rabbit with his shot. They both went up to the rabbit and saw that it was dead. Then the priest takes a small bottle out of his pocket and pours the contents onto the rabbit. Immediately the rabbit wakes up and hops away.

The minister says "Wow, I've never seen holy water do that!"

And the priest says, "That wasn't holy water... it was hare restorer."



Credit to my priest told this joke this morning.

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An engineer, a doctor and a priest were playing golf.

A foursome was playing ahead of them and each man had his own personal ball spotter lining them up and then taking them to their ball.

The game was moving extremely slow and the men were starting to become annoyed.

The head golf pro showed up to see how the men were doing. The priest, being curious asked the pro what the deal with the men was.

The pro answered that the four men were firefighters that lost their eyesight in the clubhouse fire the year before. Because of this they get to play for free and get their own caddies.

The priest hearing this was saddened and said he would pray every night for the men.

The doctor then said that we would do everything in his power to find a way to get these men's eyesight back to them.

The engineer then asked the pro why the men can't play at night.

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A Catholic priest, a Baptist priest, and a Mormon priest are sitting in a bar

So a mormon priest, a baptist priest, and a catholic priest are sitting in a bar. The catholic priest says "I have six kids now, I have a basketball team". The baptist priest says "I have eleven kids now, I have a football team". The mormon priest says "I have 18 wives now, I have a golf course"

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A Catholic priest and a Rabbi were catching up over lunch.

After talking for hours about faith, devotion, and drama in their congregations, the rabbi says, "I need to get going, but we should continue this conversation sometime over a game of golf. How does next weekend sound?"

The priest likes the idea and says, "Perfect! We can bring some altar boys to caddy for us then, and once we get drunk we can fuck 'em."

The rabbi, confused, says, "Fuck em? Outta what?"

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What are the most funny Golfing Priest jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Golfing Priest? Well, here are the best Golfing Priest dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Golfing Priest pick up lines to share with friends.

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