Golfing Husband Jokes
58 golfing husband jokes and hilarious golfing husband puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about golfing husband that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Golfing Husband Short Jokes
Short golfing husband jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The golfing husband humour may include short golfing wife jokes also.
- A woman gives her husband a cup of tea... And he notices it tastes like dirt.
Angry, he asks, what kind of tea is this?
Golf tee
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Golfing Husband Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about golfing husband you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean golfing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make golfing husband pranks.
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Mary. Mary.”
“Is that you, Fred?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**..., I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have s**..., I bathe in the sun, and then I have s**... twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then s**... pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have s**... until late at night. The next day it starts again.”
“Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”
“Not exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”
A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course.
He said to his wife, "Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window."
His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house.
He said, "Oh no! We had better go ask how much it's gonna be."
So he and his wife go up to the house and see the door open.
They went inside and saw the golf ball lying next to a broken glass bottle.
A man walks up and says, "Thank you!"
The husband said, "I'm sorry about the..."
And the man interrupts, "Oh don't worry about the window. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see, I'm a genie. So you get one wish and your wife gets one, but, in return, you have to give me one."
The husband asks for $100 million.
The genie says, "Done."
The wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars.
Genie says, "Done."
"Now, my wish is to have s**... with your wife because, you know, I've been trapped in that bottle for so long."
They agreed since their extravagant wishes had been granted.
And so the genie has s**... with the man's wife, not just once but many times.
When they're done, the genie asks the wife, "How old is your husband?"
She answers, "33."
And, the man said, "And he still believes in genies?"
Reincarnation.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is s**... after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**..., breakfast and then it's off to the golf course then I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun, then have s**... a couple of more times."
"Then I have lunch (You'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon."
"After supper it's back to the golf course again, then it's more s**... until late at night, where I catch some much needed sleep, and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...! I'm a rabbit in Arizona!"
A husband and wife are out golfing...
So a husband and wife are out golfing, on their favorite course by an old abandoned farm. On the 14th hole, a par 4, the husband hooks his shot way to the left, landing near the doors of a big barn. Just as he's setting up to hit it around the barn, his wife stops him and says,
"Wait, honey, how about I just open the doors, and you can just chip it right through straight toward the green?"
The husband agrees, and the wife opens the doors for him and stands to the side. He then lines up his shot, takes it, and the ball ricochets off the barn and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.
...
A few years later, the husband is out golfing on the same course with a friend of his. On that same 14th hole, he hits his shot to exactly the same place near the barn. Just as he's about to hit his second shot around the barn, his friend says,
"Wait, how about I just open the doors and you can chip it right through toward the green?"
The husband replies "Nah, last time I tried that I shot a bogey."
A middle aged couple had gotten their tax return . . .
and they were arguing over how to spend it. The husband wanted to spend it on a new set of golf clubs, while the wife insisted they use it to buy a new dishwasher. Seeing they were getting nowhere, the husband suggested, "All right, let's make a bet. Whoever has the hairiest chest gets the money. Deal?"
"Deal!" said the wife. She then promptly lifted her skirt, removed her p**... and said smugly, "I win!"
"That's not a chest!" insisted the husband.
"Oh no?" said the wife. "Before we got married it was your hope chest. Since we've been married you've used is for your tool chest. And if I don't get that dishwasher, it's going to be a community chest!"
The Perfect Husband.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: Hello?
WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes.
WOMAN: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only Rs. 25,000. Is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: Rs. 55,40,000.″
MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing… the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs. 1,95,00,000″
MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of Rs. 1,50,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 45 lakhs if it's really a pretty good price.
WOMAN: Ok. I'll see you later! I love you so much!
MAN: Bye! I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :
Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :
They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.
Man: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 wish for myself.
Tom: I want a billion dollars!
Wife: I want a house in every country of the world. ??
Genie: Done. Done.
Tom : And what is your wish genie?
Genie: Well, since I haven't loved a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.
Tom said: Emm Ok! You're getting us a lot of money. I guess I don't mind. ??
The genie took the wife upstairs and slept with her for two hours.
After it was over he asked her: How old is your husband?
Wife answers: 35.
Genie: Really? And he still believes in genie stories
A couple are in bed...
Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."
"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would have to."
"What about playing golf, would you play golf with him?"
"I love golf, so sure, I would play golf with him."
"Would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
A woman returned home from a round of golf.
Her husband asked how it went. She replied, "Well, OK, but I got stung by a bee." He responded, "Where did it sting you?" She said, "Between the first and second hole," whereupon he exclaimed, "I told you your stance was too wide!"
If I die...
If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"No. She's left-handed."
s**... After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is s**... after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**.... I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**... a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more s**... until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.
A husband and wife are playing a round of golf..
On the 18th hole the husband slices his ball to the right and lands in front of a barn. The husband asks his wife to open up the barn door so he could hit it through the barn and onto the green. The husband then shanks his shot, which hits his wife in the head and immeidately kills her.
5 years later the man is approached by his buddies who want him to get back into golf. The man hesitantly agrees. They end up playing the same course as the incident and the man hits his drive to the same spot on the 18th hole. One of his buddies says "I can go up there and open up the barn door, so you can hit it through onto the green". The man slowly and emotionally replies "I can't, I just can't. Last time I tried to hit that shot..... I got a triple bogey"
After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...
The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.
The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.
The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".
"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."
My grandpa told me this one.
So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..."
The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."
Cheating for "Good" Reasons
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
Today, I got up early...
...put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
She sleepily replied, 'I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that stuff?'
A man takes his wife golfing
They always go together every Sunday for the past 25 years of their marriage
One Sunday they got to the 9th hole and the woman stops her husband and says "Honey, we've been together 25 years and I trust you with all of my heart. With that being said, I haven't been completely honest with you during this relationship."
The wife goes on and eventually explains to the husband that she was actually born a man.
The husband is in shock and walks away in anger after hearing the news.
Finally the husband returns after thinking long and hard about what he had just heard and says to his wife: ......."You mean to tell me all of these years you've been hitting from the women's tees?!"
A Husband Wonders How His Wife Would Move On If He Died
One day, a husband is wondering what his wife would do if he suddenly died.
"Darling," he says. "If I was to suddenly die I don't want to feel like you could never find love again."
His wife shakes her head. "Oh, it would be difficult at first but I think I would manage."
The husband thinks for a moment and asks, "would you let your new man use my things?"
"Which things," asks the wife.
"Hmm. What about my aftershave - you know, the one you really like. Would you let him use that?"
The wife thinks for a moment. "Yes, I don't see why not."
"Ok," says the husband. "What about my CDs. Would you let him use those aswell?"
Again the wife pauses for a moment before answering. "Yes, I can't see that would be a problem."
The husband nods in agreement. "Yes, that's fine. But what about my golf clubs? Would you let me use those too?"
The wife answers without pausing this time.
"Oh no darling, of course not. He's left handed."
A husband gets home after playing golf.....
And his wife asks how it went to which he replies "It went very well, except when I hit that goose on the 8th hole" The wife then replies "How many strokes is a goose?"
Cheating Golfers
An old married couple were golfing one day. On the first hole, the husband stopped mid-swing and broke down. "I can't take it any more, I have to tell you! 20 years ago, just before we were married, I cheated on you with your best friend Sally!" His wife said, "Oh, why even bring that up- it was so long ago. I forgive you sweetheart". The husband was relieved, and they continued the game. On the 18th hole, his wife stopped her s**... mid-swing as well, and broke down. She said, "I have something to confess as well. 25 years ago, before we were married, I had gender reassignment surgery. I was born a man." Her husband throws a tantrum, and is carrying on all over the tee box when he yells out, "This whole time, FOR ALL THESE YEARS???! You were playing from the Ladies tees?!?!"
Bad weather
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday, it didn't matter what kind of weather it was. He was hooked
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my s**... husband went golfing."
A couple are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary....
A couple are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary when the husband asks his wife if she's ever been unfaithful.
"Three times," answer the wife. "Remember when you needed money to start up your business and no one would give you any? Well I slept with the bank manager to secure you a loan."
"You made that sacrifice for me?" asks the astonished husband. "That was wonderful of you. What was the second time?"
"Remember that operation you needed that no one would perform because it was too dangerous? Well, I slept with the surgeon so he'd do it."
"Oh my God," says the husband. "You saved my life. And what was the third time?"
"Well," says his wife, "Remember when you wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 52 votes short...?"
A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...
...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."
Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me.
An older man is feeling a bit under the weather and goes to see the doctor.
His wife comes along, and after a full physical and a battery of tests, the doctor meets the two of them in his office. He makes small talk, tells the man he is fine, and then asks to speak with the wife privately. After the man leaves, the doctor turns to the wife and says, "Your husband is gravely ill. He may make it, but in order to get there, you've got to treat him well, spoil him, give him whatever he wants to eat, let him play golf whenever he wants, let him watch all the football he wants, make sure he doesn't have any stress at all, and most importantly, give him s**... whenever he wants it."
The couple leaves, and as they are driving away, the man turns to his wife and says eagerly "Well, *what did he say?*"
After a long pause the wife looks at him and says, "You're gonna die."
A dad puts his little girl to sleep...
And the girl says, "Goodbye Grandpa" and the dad asks why she said grandpa, the girl replied, "I don't know it just felt right".
The next day the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence.
The dad puts the girl to sleep and a few months later she says, "Goodbye Grandma" and the dad went along with it.
The next day the grandma died and the dad thought that she knew who would die next!
Several weeks later, the dad puts his girl to sleep and the girl says, "Goodbye Daddy" and the dad freaked out when he left the room.
He stayed at the office until midnight jumping at every sound he heard. When he came to his house at 1am and crawls into the bed, his wife says
Wife :: Why were you at work so late?
Husband :: I had a terrible day..
Wife :: What happened?
Husband :: I don't want to talk about it.
Wife :: Well, you won't believe the day I had! My golf pro died right in front of me during golf lessons!
Edit : Formatting
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: **"Anyone know whose phone this is?"**
Husband has 6 months to live
Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"
She says she supposes so, eventually.
"Will he sleep in our bed"?
She says of course he will.
"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"
"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."
A man goes out to play golf...
...while his wife waits at home. He promises to be back by five.
Five'o'clock comes and goes and the husband hasn't come back yet. Gradually, the hours tick by and no sign of the husband. The wife is about to go looking for him when the front door opens and the husband shuffles in.
The wife is worried sick.
"Where have you been? You said you'd be home by five, it's now eight'o'clock!"
The husband replies with, "I'm sorry I'm late, but my friend Harry had a heart attack today in the middle of golf."
The wife is shocked.
"Oh dear! That's awful!"
"I know! All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."
s**... After Death
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.':
'Is that you, Steve?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**... I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**... a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more s**... until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly . I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'
A couple walk Into the clubhouse after a round of golf.
The pro asks "how was you round?" The husband says "it was good but my wife got stung by a bee". "Where did she get stung?" "Between the first and second hole". The pro says "well her stance was too wide."
Marriage jok
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
A man returns home from the golf course...
His wife asks him why he no longer plays with j**..., a long-time friend. He replies:"Would you enjoy playing with a swearing, rude cheat?"
His wife says "No, of course not".
Her husband answers:"Well neither does j**..."
A woman was out at the golf course...
...with her friends for a day and came home. Her husband asks, "So, how did it go?" "Terrible!" she replied. "I got stung by bees!" "Oh no! Where?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes!" The husband shakes his head and says "I've been telling you that your stance was too wide."
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf has for men.
Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions like, "Why did you hit the ball into the trees?"
Wife asks husband, if she dies will he remarry?
I don't know... yeah I probably would i guess.
What about the house? would you sell it?
No he says, I like our house.
What about our bed, would you buy a new one?
No I like our bed and would keep it.
Ok, the wife now asks, what about my golf clubs?
Would you let your new wife use them?
No way he says, she's left handed.
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his golf clubs.
The judge looks down at her and asks, "How many times did you hit him?"
The woman replies, "Eh, five..? Six..? Put me down for a five."
Scottish Obituary
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the Obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The Editor informs her that there is a charge of one dollar per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read: 'Fred Brown died.' "
Amused at the Woman's thrift, the Editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read:
'Fred Brown Died - golf clubs for sale.' "
Today I woke up early
I quietly put on my clothes, made coffee. I took my golf clubs and went slowly into the garage. I put the clubs in the car and pulled the car out of the garage under torrential rain.
The road was totally flooded and the icy wind blew at 50 km per hour. I went back to the garage, turned on the radio, and heard that the weather would have lasted all day.
So I went back home, took off my clothes and quietly slipped back to bed. Slowly I approached my wife and, holding her, I whispered in her ear: "the weather outside is horrible!"
Half asleep she replied: "Yes I know …Can you believe my dumb husband went out to play golf!"
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, why not?"
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
A husband and wife are checking out of a hotel
Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"
Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"
Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."
Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, and we didn't go to the spa!"
Receptionist: "I understand, sir, but it was there if you wanted to."
The husband pulls out $100 and hands it to the receptionist.
Receptionist: "excuse me, sir, but you're $300 short"
Husband: "The cost for sleeping with my wife is $300"
Receptionist: "I did not sleep with your wife!!!"
Husband: "I understand, but she was there if you wanted to."
Ladies at the Golf Course
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club, when a n**... man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stare in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, "He is definitely not my husband." The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, "He is not mine either." After a very considered inspection, the third finally says, "He's not even a member of this golf club.
A man dying of cancer asks his wife if she will re-marry...
Wife: I suppose I will
Husband: Do you think your next husband will drive my truck when I'm gone
Wife: Well, the truck is an asset to the family and helps get chores done so I think so yes.
Husband: That makes sense... what about my clothes? What will you do with them?
Wife: Well, I'd probably donate them to a church or goodwill I think. Maybe I'll keep a shirt or two for their sentimental value.
Husband: Yeah, of course donating them is probably best... what about my golf clubs? Do you think your next husband will use those?
Wife: Of course not, he's left handed.
The Golf Cheat
Wife: Why are you hanging around the house so much? You used to be out on the golf course 3 or 4 times a week!
Husband: I don't have anyone to play golf with.
W: Why don't you play with Bob, you always used to?
H: Bob? HA!! Would you play with someone who demands retakes of every poor tee shot, kicks your ball into the rough when he thinks you're not looking, fudges his scorecard, and swears and throws his clubs when it's not going his way??
W: That's dreadful, of course not!!
H: Neither will Bob.
A married couple go golfing every year for their anniversary.
During their 50th anniversary outing, the husband says, "Honey, I love you very much but I have to be honest with you. Early in our marriage I had an affair. It was strictly s**..., and it ended quickly."
His wife smiles and forgives him, but after a couple holes says, "Since we're confessing old transgressions, I should tell you that before we were married... I was a man."
The husband pauses, then becomes furious. He throws his hat to the ground, turns beat red and paces around. Finally he says, "You mean to tell me I've let you tee off from the women's tee all these years for nothing!"
An old married couple is laying in bed one night
And the woman turns to the man and says, "we're both old so one of us is going to die soon, but if I die first are you going to remarry?"
The man says, "No no, I will never remarry you're the only one for me."
But the wife insists and she says, "no I want you to remarry if I die, but the next question is will you take down my pictures after you remarry."
The husband says, "How could I? I would want to keep your memory on until my dying days.
But the wife isn't satisfied and she asks one more question,
"Would you give her my golf clubs?"
And the husband says, "Of course not she's left handed."
Husband goes golfing every Saturday morning with the same f**....
But he's always home by 2 o'clock so his wife puts up with it.
This one Saturday, 2 o'clock comes and goes. Three, four, five; still not home.
Finally at 6 o'clock he comes staggering through the front door. He's dirty, he's sweaty, he looks totally exhausted.
His wife exclaims, Oh my God! What happened to you?
Honey, it was terrible! There we were on the first tee and Harry fell over dead from a heart attack.
That's terrible! she said.
Tell me! he says. All day long, it's take a shot, drag Harry! Take a shot, drag Harry!
A couple decided to get married after only dating for a few weeks
As they came to the bedroom to consummate the marriage, the husband looked into his wife's eyes:
Honey, I haven't been completely honest. I am a golf addict. I think about golf all the time, I dream of golf and every chance I get I'm going to go and have a round.
OK said the wife. As long as we're being honest, I have something to tell you too.
Go on said the husband tentatively
I'm a h**... .
That's OK said the husband. You've just got to make sure you keep your left arm straight and your head down longer.
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep...
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep.
He turns on the lights and begins tying them each to a chair.
Before he can grab the wife, the husband yells: "Honey, my birthday presents! Use them!"
The woman nods in agreement and rips open her top to reveal a pair of enormous, symmetrical plastic h**....
The husband yells: "No! I meant the golf clubs from last year!"
Old old married couple was out golfing
The husband was about to putt and he stopped. He looked at his wife of 50+ years and said he needed to confess something.
40 years ago I had an affair and I'm so very sorry and I regret it every day.
That's okay said his wife. It was a very long time ago and we've had a wonderful life together.
It was her turn to putt and she stops. Turns and looks at her husband. I just want you to know that before we were married I was a man.
Her husband get very angry and yells. You son of a b**...! You've been hitting from the ladies tee's for 50 years!
If I die first, will you remarry, asks the wife.
I'm in good health so why not, says the husband.
Will she live in this house
Its all paid for so yes.
Will she drive my car.
Its new so yes.
Will she use my golf clubs.
No, she's left handed.
The police were called to a crime scene.
They found a woman with a b**... golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.
She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"
Cop "How many times did you hit him?
Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"
Bee sting
A husband and wife are out playing golf. At the turn, they decide to go in for a drink and bag of chips. The golf pro looks at them and asks, how'd you hit 'em? The woman replies, good, but I got stung by a bee between the first and second hole.
The pro looks at her and says, then your stance is too wide.
Husband says to his wife.
Husband: If I died would you date another man.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs.?
Wife: Definitely not.
Husband: Is that because they are personal to me.?
Wife: No it's because he is left handed...
Husband chatting to wife.
Husband says to his wife.
Husband: If I died would you date another man?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him move in to our house?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs?
Wife: Definitely not.
Husband: Is that because they are personal to me?
Wife: No it's because he is left handed...
The producer to his wife, an actress:
Producer: "Darling, will you marry again if I die?"
Wife: "I assume so, dear."
Producer: "Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"
Wife: "Yes, he would be my husband after all.
Producer: "Would you give him my golf clubs too?"
Wife: "No, he's left-handed."
n**... man on a golf course
A foresome of ladies came across a man n**..., asleep in the bushes on their course. His hat was sheild in his face. Not my husband! says the first lady. The second and third repeat this not my husband refrain. The final lady approaches the man. She hmms and haws … then says Not my husband, but worse yet, he's not even a member of our club